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My Girl Friday

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, June 25, 2014, 02:22:03 PM

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EK WAFFLR

I love you, Roger. This is brilliant!
"At first I lifted weights.  But then I asked myself, 'why not people?'  Now everyone runs for the fjord when they see me."


Horribly Oscillating Assbasket of Deliciousness
[/b]

The Good Reverend Roger

(interlude)

Sheila looked at her sister Sara.  "This has to be the stupidest contract ever."

"I'm in it for the ride, not the cargo", Sara said, "All of these runs are the same for me.  It's the thrill of the chase, not the results of the run that matter."

Sheila watched as their 'cargo', an unconscious middle-aged bald guy, was carried up the cargo ramp of the sisters' panzer.  "Still", she remarked, "this guy is a known asshat and is wanted by EVERY jurisdiction we're going to cross.  I don't know if I trust him inside the armor with us."

"No worries, I spiked his coffee with harmine.  He's in his own little world right now, probably with 4-dimensional entities jamming probes up his business, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do."

"If he gives us any shit, I'm ejecting him."

"Um, the cargo bay hasn't got any ejection seats."

"I didn't say he'd get a seat.  I'd just eject him."

The sisters finished their walk-around, and got in the panzer, Sheila in the driver's hatch, and Sara in the turret.  Sheila started the quad Rolls Royce jet engines, which sprang to life with a banshee howl, and the panzer lifted off the ground on its cushion of air...Then shot away from the service crew, accelerating to 200 MPH in less than 6 seconds, the ground effect of the 70 ton vehicle smashing vegetation and insufficiently-aware small animals completely flat.

20 minutes  later, Sara spoke into her throat mike.  "New Mexico border coming up in 30 seconds.  I have one radar showing 10 miles to the North, probably state police.   Let's back off and reduce our rooster tail, eh?  We're making a lot of dust."

"Teach granny how to suck eggs", Sheila laughed, slowing the panzer down to 80 MPH.  At what seemed like a crawl, they paralleled the highway leading from Amarillo to Roswell, then headed cross country to Alamagordo.  When they were 5 miles past the city, every threat alarm on the board lit up.

"Shit, Sis, I've got multiple radars right on top of us.  No way we're gonna evade.  Arming anti-radiation missiles."

"Damn", Sheila replied, "those things cost a fucking arm and a leg."

"Not as much as being dead.  I have 5 helicopters coming in from all points.  Someone knew we were coming."

Sara stopped talking and concentrated on her task.  The AI would handle the aiming and the actual firing of the missiles, but the timing required human intuition.  If she didn't wait long enough, the choppers could simply turn off their radars and evade the missiles.  If she waited too long, the first chopper or two in range would drop a train on the panzer.

At the last possible second, she fired.  Four of the missiles drew contrails across the sky, ending in a fireball that had been a chopper.  One, however, corkscrewed straight up into the sky, never tracking on its target.

"Damn.  Cheap California shit.  Sheila, take evasive action. "

Sheila threw the panzer into a 4 G turn, accelerating as fast as she dared push the engine.  300 MPH.  Then 400.  She caught a glimpse of an explosion through one of her vision blocks, as the remaining helicopter narrowly missed the panzer with a Hellfire missile.

The helicopter, a surplus Hind D from the old Soviet Union, was unable to keep up, and gradually fell behind...But the sisters knew that they couldn't outrun it's radio.

"We're gonna take a little detour", Sheila told her sister, "Through White Sands."

"Dammit, it'll take a week to decontaminate the panzer."

"Our other option is to face about a million state cops and bounty hunters at the Arizona state line."

"You know, this would have been a hell of a lot harder if this was still one country.  At least the states don't cooperate anymore."

"If this was one country", Sheila replied, "We wouldn't have this kickass job."

"Oh, boy.  Jackass is waking up back here."

"If he gives you any shit, kick him in the head a few times.  Our contract says we get him to Tucson 'alive', not 'pretty'.  He doesn't need all those teeth."

"Hah."

Sara looked at her panel.  It was hot outside, in both senses.  110 degrees, and enough radiation to cause real damage with just a momentary exposure.  She suddenly felt better about not cutting any corners with 3rd party filters.

Behind her, the renegade 'holy man' was mumbling to himself, as he wiggled fitfully in the restraints of the acceleration couch the women had strapped him into. 

But Sara wasn't interested in that.  Her threat panel was lit up again.

"Crap.  We're being targeted again."

"Out HERE?  From who?"

"Looks like orbital shit.  Rods from God.  This one's all you, Sis."

Sheila began a wide turn.  30 miles above the panzer, a rain of depleted uranium shafts, 'rods from God' made a minute adjustment, unerringly tracking the panzer.

20 miles.  10.  5.

When they were one mile up, Sheila cut her engines and grounded the panzer.  Shock cushions sprang out, like old fashioned air bags.  Still, both sisters were knocked halfway out by the impact.  3 miles ahead of them, the horizon lit up like an atomic bomb had gone off, as the rods struck the ground at mach 13.  The shock wave arrived 30 seconds later, reactivating the cushions just as they finished retracting.

Sara looked back at their cargo.  He was unconscious again.

"Is that asshat alive?" Sheila asked.

"Yeah, he's farting, so I guess so."

Sheila restarted the engines, and accelerated toward the cloud of dust and debris ahead of them.  The impact of the rods themselves would shield the panzer from any further satellite shenanigans. 

Three hours later, they set down in Tucson.  A medical team removed the 'holy man', and the sisters were paid off.  As far as they were concerned, the job was complete.

They were wrong.

(to be continued)
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

Bald guy?  HOLY MAN??


look out, things are about to get meta.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

I love this. I love how FUCKING WEIRD it is.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 30, 2014, 05:09:32 PM
Bald guy?  HOLY MAN??


look out, things are about to get meta.

You'll see more of Sheila and Sara, but not more of the bald guy.  He was put in for comic relief.  Maybe.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 30, 2014, 05:10:37 PM
I love this. I love how FUCKING WEIRD it is.

And no weaseling out with multiverse stuff (which I became shamelessly addicted to at the end of Nessies).  This will all be explained as the story moves forward, in a rational manner.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

Where do I get a panzer?
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 30, 2014, 05:14:52 PM
Where do I get a panzer?

The Future Corporation™ is selling them at a bargain they aren't allowed to advertize on the interbutts!
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

P3nT4gR4m

Fuckin HIMEOBS. ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT. IT SHAKES THE BABY!!!  :fap2:

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on June 30, 2014, 06:13:44 PM
Fuckin HIMEOBS. ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT. IT SHAKES THE BABY!!!  :fap2:

:lulz:

How the hell did I forget that?
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

I was assuming you didn't forget, at all.

Luna

I think I want to have Friday's baby.
Death-dealing hormone freak of deliciousness
Pagan-Stomping Valkyrie of the Interbutts™
Rampaging Slayer of Shit-Fountain Habitues

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

Quote from: The Payne on November 16, 2011, 07:08:55 PM
If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

Quote from: Nigel on March 24, 2011, 01:54:48 AM
I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

Quote
"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."

The Good Reverend Roger

#57
Part 5 - Friday's in the Closet

After closing herself in the closet, Friday heard the same old voice talk to her.

"He's getting a closer to understanding what is going on, exactly."

There was a knock at the door of the closet.

"Go away", Friday said.

"Excuse me?" the voice asked, sounding a little shocked.

"Not YOU, jackass.  Anyway, you were saying?"

"I was saying that he's very close to understanding what exactly is going on.  Once he figures out what happened to Horne, we can move things along."

"Well, it's about time.  I don't think waiting to find out how Horne got killed is actually necessary.  I think you're just being too cautious."

"There is no such thing as 'too cautious' right now.  Years of planning went into this, not to mention a pile of money that would make Bill Gates weep.  And your little visit to Horne Enterprises couldn't possibly have been undetected.  Finally, it has come to my attention that Hamish's friend at the police department, Sergeant Ahmad, has recently been bringing in a little too much income for a police sergeant."

"I should kill him, just in case."

"No, that would be a bad idea.  It would tip off the people that own him that you know you're being watched.  Instead, I just want you to arrange some security.  Body guards."

"But who can I trust?"

"A couple of panzergirls just rode into town.  They are idle while repairs and decontamination are performed on their vehicle.  Sara and Sheila Highsmith are their names, and you'll find them at Murphy's Bar tomorrow night at 5 PM.  They will of course demand cash up front.  You will find a briefcase with ten thousand dollars in it at the usual place."

"PANZERGIRLS?  That's AWESOME!"

"Yes, quite.  And one more thing...Please try to restrain your more violent dating habits.  It is getting increasingly difficult to clean up your mess."

"I can't help it if men disappoint me.  My heart gets broken, and then I break them right back."

The voice sighed.  "I know, Friday, I know.  But please just try to keep the bloodshed out of sight?"

"Okay."

"Promise me, Friday?"

"I promise I will not kill any of them in public.  Happy?"

"It will do."

"It will have to.  And I have one more thing for YOU to consider."

"Yes?"

"If anything happens to Hamish, I'll take YOU on a date.  If you know what I mean.  And I think you do."

"That sounds like a threat, Friday."

"It's a warning.  Now fuck off, I am going to smash my brain flat with drugs and get some sleep."

But the voice was already gone.  Friday got properly stoned, and drifted off to sleep, dreaming of unicorns and puppies.  And mayhem.


(more today)
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

YESSSS!  I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON!

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on July 01, 2014, 03:43:35 PM
YESSSS!  I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON!

Two more chapters today, including one partially written by Lauren Rae, the girl whom Friday is modeled after.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.