Roger's Kitchen

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Baked Potatoes

Equipment needed:
Aluminum foil (0.024 mm - 0.016 mm thickness), cut in 12 in x 12 in squares.

1 shallow bowl (plastic, ceramic, or glass are all acceptable)

1 baking sheet (aluminum or stainless steel construction) lined with aluminum foil.

Protective hand coverings rated for use at 400 degrees Fahrenheit or higher

1 brush with plastic bristles (DO NOT use a brush that is also used for cleaning dishes, teeth, or toilets)

1 4 in non-serrated knife ("paring" knife)

1 standard kitchen oven

Ingredients:
Raw Potatoes (may use Russett, Red Bliss, Yukon, or other varieties of potato that average 1 lb weight)

1-2 tablespoons olive oil

Dried, powdered garlic, paprika, and dill (optional)

Table salt (NaCl)

Fine ground black pepper

Process:

1. Open oven door and inspect the interior.

2. Remove any foreign objects, such as raccoons or lasagna pans from last night. If aluminum foil is found lining the bottom of the oven, consult with the kitchen foreman.

3. Adjust shelving to meet the following specifications: top shelf at least 6 inches below heating element, bottom shelf at least 4 inches below top shelf, or at lowest setting.

4. Close oven door

5. Set oven to heat to 350 degrees Fahrenheit

6. Scrub potatoes with approved brush or thumbs under cold water until no dirt remains. While scrubbing, inspect for dimples and black spots.

7.  Using paring knife, carefully remove any "eyes" or rotten bits. If more than a small amount is rotten, dispose of potato and begin again from step 6.

8. Store clean potato on baking sheet.

9. Repeat steps 6-8 until desired quantity of potatoes are scrubbed and cleaned of undesirable bits.

10. In shallow bowl, combine oil and spices. Solution should contain significant particulate, and will take on a reddish color if paprika is used.

11. Ensure that aluminum foil squares are prepared: 1 square per potato.

12. Roll potato in oil and spice solution, ensuring an even coating.

13. Place potato at the center of one side of the aluminum foil square. Roll foil around the potato, then fold the open sides up. Foil should completely encapsulate the potato.

NOTE: In the event that the potato is insufficiently encapsulated by a 12 x 12 in square of foil, you may substitute a 18 x 12 rectangle of foil.

14. Repeat steps 12-13 until all potatoes are coated in solution and foil.

15. Put on protective hand coverings.

16. Open the oven door.

17. Place potatoes one at a time on the top shelf of the oven.

18. Place baking sheet on the bottom shelf of the oven.

19. If any potatoes are not directly above the baking sheet, rearrange them.

20. Close oven door.

21. Allow potatoes to cook for 45 - 60 min.

NOTE: During this time other dishes may be prepared. If other dishes require use of the oven omit baking sheet and use second dish to collect any drippings.

22. Open oven door and check potatoes for doneness. If potatoes fail doneness check, close oven door and wait 5-10 minutes, then check again. Repeat as necessary.

Approved methods for checking potato doneness: squeezing potato while wearing protective hand coverings (done potatoes will squish somewhat); stabbing potato with a fork through the foil (done potatoes will puncture with minimal force); examining potato for dents from the shelf.

23. After establishing doneness, turn off oven.

24. Using protective hand coverings, remove potatoes from oven.

25. Close oven door.

26. Still using protective hand coverings, remove potatoes from foil.

27. Let rest 3-5 minutes.

28. Split potato skin and serve.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I'd say that no one could screw this up, but I know better.

Oh, ye of little faith.

I shall report my triumph in the morning.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This is going to be fantastic!

[Pæs]

Process:

1. Place pan on stove top with base of pan facing downwards towards source of heat

2. Activate heat under pan to medium intensity, place oil/butter into center of pan immediately. NB: This requirement of immediacy is not so strict that it requires a special device for releasing the oil/butter at the exact moment the heat is applied.

NOTE - Each stove will be slightly different, each pan heats up at different rates.  Repeat cooking process to familiarize but do not attempt to cook multiple eggs on multiple elements to accelerate learning process until you are a certified Level Three User.

3.  Observe oil / butter with face at a safe distance (1foot or more). Keep non-face body parts out of the pan also.  When butter is melted completely, or oil has spread more freely (no more than 1 minute, depending on thickness of pan and intensity of the stove being used), proceed to step 4.

NOTE - Fire hazard - Do not remove attention from kitchen area with heat under oil.  Deactivate heat before leaving kitchen or diverting attention more than briefly.

4.  pick up egg, strike on edge of pan to produce ligth cracking in shell surface without entirely compromising structure.  Move egg over heated oil/butter.  Gently pull at shell to enlarge crack, allow egg to drop from shell onto oil/butter but not from a great height (less than 15cm/6 inches is optimal).  Discard shell.

NOTE - Biohazard - Raw egg may harbor disease.  Discard shell and rinse hands promptly.  Do not use un refrigerated or compromized food product.  Momentary diversion off attention to attend to this is acceptable, but resume attention on cooking pan immediately.

[Pæs]

Paes,

Trying to identify all possible sources of danger and failure. A fool's mission.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I don't want to talk about this tonight. 

Details tomorrow.  FUCK.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Oh, dear.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Oh, dear.

It's Goddamn uncanny.  It's like a fucking pharaoh's curse.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Fuck this shit, trying again.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Fuck this shit, trying again.

You can do it, Roger!!

[Richter]

Well crap.  I am equally affeared and excited.

Other- thanks for the props - Like QG did - POST YOUR OWN!

Process:

1. Place pan on stove top with base of pan facing downwards towards source of heat

2. Activate heat under pan to medium intensity, place oil/butter into center of pan immediately. NB: This requirement of immediacy is not so strict that it requires a special device for releasing the oil/butter at the exact moment the heat is applied.

NOTE - Each stove will be slightly different, each pan heats up at different rates.  Repeat cooking process to familiarize but do not attempt to cook multiple eggs on multiple elements to accelerate learning process until you are a certified Level Three User.

3.  Observe oil / butter with face at a safe distance (1foot or more). Keep non-face body parts out of the pan also.  When butter is melted completely, or oil has spread more freely (no more than 1 minute, depending on thickness of pan and intensity of the stove being used), proceed to step 4.

NOTE - Fire hazard - Do not remove attention from kitchen area with heat under oil.  Deactivate heat before leaving kitchen or diverting attention more than briefly.

4.  pick up egg, strike on edge of pan to produce ligth cracking in shell surface without entirely compromising structure.  Move egg over heated oil/butter.  Gently pull at shell to enlarge crack, allow egg to drop from shell onto oil/butter but not from a great height (less than 15cm/6 inches is optimal).  Discard shell.

NOTE - Biohazard - Raw egg may harbor disease.  Discard shell and rinse hands promptly.  Do not use un refrigerated or compromized food product.  Momentary diversion off attention to attend to this is acceptable, but resume attention on cooking pan immediately.

I had not considered these!   
I wasn't so much about idiot proofing the process, since that only goads life into providing a finer idiot.  TGRR is a man of the science, and knows basic lab safety.  A framework I had hoped to build on.

Nonetheless, I still wish to see this immediate butter - droppign device you posit myself!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Fuck this shit, trying again.

NOOOOOO!!! Give it some time, for the love of god! Some time to heal!

[LMNO]

Roasted Chicken Thighs (basic)

Ingredients:

- 4 skin-on, bone-in Chicken Thighs.  They should each be as large as a normal man's fist, or approximately the size of the hearts of your enemies.
- Salt
- Pepper

Tools
- Standard oven
- Roasting pan.  Do not use a baking sheet.  A roasting pan is usually metal, with sides that slope upward, so as to prevent any juices or liquids from spilling off on the bottom of the oven.
- Aluminum foil.

Directions:

Open oven door.

Place the oven rack in the middle position in the oven, as per standard operating instructions.

Close oven door,

Turn oven on, and set the temperature to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.

Listen to "Time Machine" by Robyn, and then listen to "Blood Buzz Ohio" by the National.

Line the bottom of the roasting pan with one layer of aluminum foil.

Place the chicken thighs, skin side up, spaced evenly, on top of the foil which is lining the roasting pan.

Wash your hands.

Sprinkle the salt and pepper so the majority lands on the skin of each chicken thigh.  Normally, I'd say "to taste", but in this case I'd say that you should use no more than 1/16 of a teaspoon per seasoning per thigh.

Open oven door.

Place the roasting pan on the oven rack in a manner that the chicken will stay inside the roasting pan and not drop to the bottom of the oven.

Close oven door.

Listen to "212 (featuring Lady Jay)" By Azalia Banks, "Sinful Nature" by Bear In Heaven, "High School Lover" by Cayucas, "Grown Up" by Danny Brown, "Fineshrine" by Purity Ring, "Don't Play With Guns" by The Black Angels, "Born to Die" by Lana Del Rey, and "I Fink U Freeky" by Die Antwoord. 
(Alternatively, you could listen to the first nine tracks of The Spider Project.)

Open oven door.

Using protective handgear to prevent burning your skin, remove the roasting pan (and the chicken which at this point should be still in the roasting pan), and place the roasting pan (and the chicken within), to an appropriate heat-resistant resting area.

Using tongs, or a spatula (both of which has only been used for cooking, and both have been cleaned since last use), remove the chicken thighs to a (clean) plate.

Listen to Elton John's live version of "Sixty Years On" from the 17-11-70 album.

The chicken is now ready to serve and eat.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM.

[EK WAFFLR]

 BRILLIANT