Vent

[trippinprincezz13]

Read it, or don't, let it sink the bottom, I don't know. I just needed somewhere to spew my brain for a minute.

End of my rope. For today, for now, I don't know. Tough winter for me. Not in the sense of anything actually happening, just emotionally - which makes it worse because it's pointless. It's finally getting nice out and I'm trying to drag myself back into a good mood, but it's not working well. I don't think I can let myself be happy. I try to relax, go out with friends, or take some time just for me, and I start worrying about what I haven't done yet, what I'm always too tired to do, what I *might* be forgetting to do, so how dare I stop. I go out with friends, have a great time, but minutes after walking through the door at home, I'm thinking about what stupid/awkward/annoying things I must have done and what they're probably saying/thinking now that I've gone, they must just spend time with me out of pity, why do I even bother, why do THEY even bother. I know it's probably not true, but try telling that to my brain. I hear the nice things they say, I hear them asking me to come out. But I don't often believe it. Hell, I can barely post here without second guessing everything I say and feeling like I'm intruding somewhere I don't belong. 

And I'm just so tired, and if I'm not tired, I get sore, or overwhelmed, and can't do anything anyway. I am on edge constantly, and if I catch myself relaxing for a moment it comes back even stronger because WHAT AM I FORGETTING or SOMETHING HORRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW. Worst is that I know to an extent I take it out on those around me - distancing myself from most and being less patient with those closest to me. There were 5 ants in the kitchen this morning and I completely lost it. Really, it was the ants and EVERYTHING ELSE, but that's the straw that broke the camel's back this morning. Almost flipped out on my boss over the phone after getting to work after he asked me to do something I've done to the extent I can several times and am at the point where his input is needed. Luckily I kept it along the lines of "I already did this. I need x in order to go any further" but there's a good chance any other job would have sent me home.

On top of my imaginary problems, my boyfriend's grandfather has been in the hospital, and is likely dying. My last grandparent died when I was in 6th grade, I haven't dealt with the death of a family member for a while - not that there's any good way to deal with it. His great-grandfather died shortly after we started dating and I went to the funeral, but while I felt sad for my boyfriend and his family, I had never met him, so it didn't affect me too personally. But he's always been real close with his mother's parents, particularly his grandfather, and 8 years later I've gotten to know them well too. So I'm worried about his grandfather, worried about how my boyfriend is handling this, worried about his family (including his grandmother, who has Alzheimer's and is taken care of by his grandfather), worried about my father, who is up there in age (WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS) and worried about how my mother will deal with my father's eventual passing, as she is a good deal younger (WHY). Then berating myself for my other anxieties because they don't even compare to this, even if that doesn't stop them from making me any less crazy.

So here I am sitting in a pile of self-loathing, watching my to-do and filing piles at work barely move, worrying about the piles of everything that will be there when I get home, and all the anxieties and "what-ifs" swarming around that.

I did climb a mountain yesterday with friends. That was a lot of fun. But then today happened.

[LMNO]

The winter has been like four months of February™.  It has absolutely sucked.

You're going to be ok.  That's not to be dismissive, it's the only thing I really can say.

Virtual hugs, etc.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Sounds like a spot of depression (the first bit).

And the second bit sucks.  I am sorry to hear that this is happening.

[Junkenstein]

Seconding Roger.

Possibly of use, have you seen the Sapolsky lecture on depression? I would strongly suggest watching this as I suspect it will help in unexpected ways. More unsolicited advice available on request.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

[Suu]

Sounds like a spot of depression (the first bit).

And the second bit sucks.  I am sorry to hear that this is happening.

I'm going to also agree with Roger. It's not like there's been an abundance of sun in New England for months. Getting outside is a good idea. Keep it up, seriously.

[trippinprincezz13]

The winter has been like four months of February™.  It has absolutely sucked.

You're going to be ok.  That's not to be dismissive, it's the only thing I really can say.

Virtual hugs, etc.

Yea, I have my ups and downs (like, I suppose, most normal people), and the anxiety is a near-constant, but this winter absolutely crushed me. And, while it's nothing new in New England, going from "oh look at this one glorious, warm, sunny day" back to "Oh God is still freezing and dark out" kind of punches that happiness back down.

And no worries about dismissiveness. While there is maybe a fine line separating the two, things like "you'll be ok" and "it's going to get better" are more reassuring than "Don't be sad. Be happy!" While I know the latter is still said with the best of intentions and maybe a bit of lack of understanding (if I don't know why I'm sad how is anyone else supposed to), it can be a bit frustrating. And my boyfriend will say, "what mess? The house looks fine", when all I can think/say is "ALL the things! Everywhere! Can't you see!" And I feel bad, because I know he just wants me to happy, but sometimes I can't see past my own anxiety/depression and get frustrated with him.

Sounds like a spot of depression (the first bit).

And the second bit sucks.  I am sorry to hear that this is happening.

It may well be/likely is. I was treated (counseling & meds) when I was younger (late teens/touch of the early 20s), but I got out of an abusive relationship, mended the relationship with my parents (low self esteem also played a big part, but those things didn't help). And I thought things have been going fairly good overall, with only a few episodes here and there. But, it always seems to be lurking, particularly with regard to my interactions with other people. The ever-present anxiety helps to reinforce that when I can't live up to my probably unrealistic expectations. Anxiety > Depression  Paranoia>Depression Depression>More Depression. The fatigue and lethargy are unbelievable and unbearable and I could be related (at the risk of TMI, along with the near-nonexistent sex drive). I know exercise is also an important thing to maintaining energy, and I hope the sun and warmer weather will help with that, but it's hard to think of exercise at the times when it feels almost physically impossible to move off the couch/stay awake (on top of the "why bother). My doctor had me tested for low vitamin B and such last year and didn't notice anything unusual and I'm due for more bloodwork now (fatigue and malaise it says), but haven't found/made the time for that yet.

And thank you, I don't know how to handle his grandfather's health on top of that. And, of course, I feel guilty for all my issues when this is going on, causing me to bottle up, which just results in more crazy spilling everywhere. I know he's trying not to think about it, but I know it's really bothering him. And while there were some improvements as of Easter when they went to go visit, his grandfather's also resigned himself to the fact that he's dying, which doesn't really help with the whole recovery process. I know the best I can do is be there for him, but it never feels like enough.

[trippinprincezz13]

Seconding Roger.

Possibly of use, have you seen the Sapolsky lecture on depression? I would strongly suggest watching this as I suspect it will help in unexpected ways. More unsolicited advice available on request.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

I haven't but I'll check it out when I get home. As long as the unsolicited advice isn't "well, just magic away the sadness with happiness, silly pants", a bit of suggestion wouldn't hurt. And I know that trying to stay positive can be a factor in one's overall mood, but if it was as easy as "be happy", I'd probably be doing it right now.

Sounds like a spot of depression (the first bit).

And the second bit sucks.  I am sorry to hear that this is happening.

I'm going to also agree with Roger. It's not like there's been an abundance of sun in New England for months. Getting outside is a good idea. Keep it up, seriously.

I'm trying, I love being outdoors and want to be in better shape. Just doing to try to keep forcing myself outdoors and hope that the warm weather will help. I do wish my street had sidewalks, since there's not much of a "side of the road" and people just fly down that road with little regard for the people that are walking. And walking around the apartment complex gets boring after a while, though at least it is OUTSIDE. There are parks and woods and such nearby I can go walking, but sometimes it'd be nice to just go out for a walk without having to drive to go for a walk.

Thanks again, everyone. It helps    Just being able to spew that out helped, since I have an unhealthy tendency to bottle things up and let them stew until it erupts everywhere (I was nearly inconsolable for a while the other night because I was too tired to make broccoli & cheese soup for dinner)

[trippinprincezz13]

And commence meltdown at work after not getting client to sign something he was supposed to after I asked if he was supposed to wait for my boss to get back in to go over paperwork with him and he insisted he was not (he was). Boss asks what's wrong. "Stress" Is it here? "No" At home? "No" Well something's going on that you're not telling me. "Nope, just crazy, been like this for years. I'll be fine tomorrow." (Not in those exact words but essentially the same gist, which still doesn't help, but I have no time or desire to go into my mental health backstory with my boss).

FML

[The Good Reverend Roger]

And commence meltdown at work after not getting client to sign something he was supposed to after I asked if he was supposed to wait for my boss to get back in to go over paperwork with him and he insisted he was not (he was). Boss asks what's wrong. "Stress" Is it here? "No" At home? "No" Well something's going on that you're not telling me. "Nope, just crazy, been like this for years. I'll be fine tomorrow." (Not in those exact words but essentially the same gist, which still doesn't help, but I have no time or desire to go into my mental health backstory with my boss).

FML

Perhaps you should introduce him to your good friend HIPAA.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_Insurance_Portability_and_Accountability_Act

[Luna]

I find, "I appreciate your concern, I'm taking care of it." comes in handy.  I'll give him bonus points for making sure he didn't have an HR issue handle (like kicking somebody's ass for upsetting you).

Hang in there, and remember that there are people if you need help.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Depression is a fuck of a thing. It's strongest asset is it's ability to sap your will to fight it. Like sleep but totally shite and serving no discernible purpose. Fighting it isn't just possible, it's crucial. Lot of strategies out there. Grab a handful and muster the will to use them.

Sometimes I feel like while I'm moving I'm outrunning it but it's still there, chasing me down like a rabid bear. The minute I stop, I'm fucked. So I keep going, keep lying to myself about how cool I am, how strong I am, how everybody loves me. It may be pile of steaming horseshit but the part of my brain I need to convince is pretty fucking gullible.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all this, TPZ... I really hope it starts to lift for you soon. The worrying and "what I might be forgetting" sounds really familiar and can be an early stage of an OCD episode, if you're prone to such things.

I'm not usually big on recommending drugs or supplements, but I've beed taking 5-HTP for about two years now and it does several things for me that are very noticeable; it keeps the OCD at bay, it helps to stave off my seasonal affective disorder and generally stabilizes my mood, and it helps me with my insomnia without making me groggy during the day. And it's cheap, in the vitamin section. It might be worth looking at, if you can take stuff like that.

The best part is that it seems to help stop that hamster-wheel of worry from spinning endlessly.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

That sounds like a daily nightmare, TPZ.

I consider untreated chronic anxiety to be a grave health threat and urge you to take it as seriously as cancer. If you haven't taken a gander, please see Nigel's Robert Sapolsky total fawning fangirl thread for some of the best research on stress that has been done to date.

The good news is that anxiety disorders are fairly treatable, but sometimes that takes a little sorting out in terms of what works for you.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I am not a "scientist", TPZ.  I am not a "doctor".  I cannot offer "studies" and "peer-reviewed research" (*ptooie*).  But I CAN say, as your spiritual adviser, that there are three things that have consistently worked for me:

1.  The Nigel Method.  Go out and take a walk.  Sounds like you have this one in hand.  Continue.

2.  Be horrible to people that are horrible to people.  This is far more refreshing than it might seem.

3.  Irresponsible firearms use and/or poor driving. 

[trippinprincezz13]

I find, "I appreciate your concern, I'm taking care of it." comes in handy.  I'll give him bonus points for making sure he didn't have an HR issue handle (like kicking somebody's ass for upsetting you).

Hang in there, and remember that there are people if you need help.

And commence meltdown at work after not getting client to sign something he was supposed to after I asked if he was supposed to wait for my boss to get back in to go over paperwork with him and he insisted he was not (he was). Boss asks what's wrong. "Stress" Is it here? "No" At home? "No" Well something's going on that you're not telling me. "Nope, just crazy, been like this for years. I'll be fine tomorrow." (Not in those exact words but essentially the same gist, which still doesn't help, but I have no time or desire to go into my mental health backstory with my boss).

FML

Perhaps you should introduce him to your good friend HIPAA.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_Insurance_Portability_and_Accountability_Act

Except for the full time paralegal when I first started as part time, and a handful of part time filing assistants along the way, I make up the entire office staff. So while the question was probably initially asked out of concern, the fact that he kept pushing and tried to infer things about my personal life, pisses me off to no end. While over the years I've worked here, overall things have been ok, there have been a few times where I've been creeped out. And on top of that, I don't like to appear vulnerable around people that have previously weirded me out. I suppose that should probably throw up some red flags there, but then I second guess myself as to whether I'm misinterpreting things. One specific thing I mentioned to my boyfriend he agreed seemed pretty weird, and told me to let him know if something else comes up. While I get mostly get along with him in a professional setting I also realize I don't care for him much as a person based on his attitude towards/about others. I'm not quite sure he realizes who he's talking to when he expresses those opinions.

Went off on a tangent there. Overall, I'm feeling much better today, but I would prefer to see and talk to him as little as possible.

And thanks on the bolded. While I'm mostly the person that quietly hangs out in the corner and occasionally pipes in with conversation, I really enjoy this diverse little group and respect the opinions, insights, stories and such I've read from everyone over the years. Thus, my perhaps a bit TMI vent here but it was also because I trust/appreciate (?I can't think of the right words at the moment, so just insert warm, mushy feelings here) the input of  you guys.