Vent

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I find, "I appreciate your concern, I'm taking care of it." comes in handy.  I'll give him bonus points for making sure he didn't have an HR issue handle (like kicking somebody's ass for upsetting you).

Hang in there, and remember that there are people if you need help.

And commence meltdown at work after not getting client to sign something he was supposed to after I asked if he was supposed to wait for my boss to get back in to go over paperwork with him and he insisted he was not (he was). Boss asks what's wrong. "Stress" Is it here? "No" At home? "No" Well something's going on that you're not telling me. "Nope, just crazy, been like this for years. I'll be fine tomorrow." (Not in those exact words but essentially the same gist, which still doesn't help, but I have no time or desire to go into my mental health backstory with my boss).

FML

Perhaps you should introduce him to your good friend HIPAA.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_Insurance_Portability_and_Accountability_Act

Except for the full time paralegal when I first started as part time, and a handful of part time filing assistants along the way, I make up the entire office staff. So while the question was probably initially asked out of concern, the fact that he kept pushing and tried to infer things about my personal life, pisses me off to no end. While over the years I've worked here, overall things have been ok, there have been a few times where I've been creeped out. And on top of that, I don't like to appear vulnerable around people that have previously weirded me out. I suppose that should probably throw up some red flags there, but then I second guess myself as to whether I'm misinterpreting things. One specific thing I mentioned to my boyfriend he agreed seemed pretty weird, and told me to let him know if something else comes up. While I get mostly get along with him in a professional setting I also realize I don't care for him much as a person based on his attitude towards/about others. I'm not quite sure he realizes who he's talking to when he expresses those opinions.

Went off on a tangent there. Overall, I'm feeling much better today, but I would prefer to see and talk to him as little as possible.

It doesn't matter how many employees there are.  He isn't allowed to inquire about your health unless he can show cause (ie, performance degradation, etc).

[trippinprincezz13]

Depression is a fuck of a thing. It's strongest asset is it's ability to sap your will to fight it. Like sleep but totally shite and serving no discernible purpose. Fighting it isn't just possible, it's crucial. Lot of strategies out there. Grab a handful and muster the will to use them.

Sometimes I feel like while I'm moving I'm outrunning it but it's still there, chasing me down like a rabid bear. The minute I stop, I'm fucked. So I keep going, keep lying to myself about how cool I am, how strong I am, how everybody loves me. It may be pile of steaming horseshit but the part of my brain I need to convince is pretty fucking gullible.

This is the truth. I'm usually pretty good at distracting myself, but there are definitely times where it catches up with me and as much as I try to tell myself "go do stuff", there are just no fucks to be found, not even buried deep in the couch where all the lighters and coins wind up. The occasional paranoia/self-doubt when it comes to the people around me doesn't help either. And the "fake it til you make it" attitude definitely can be a help, I just have to work on not confusing that with "bottle everything deep down into a pocket of sadness until everything comes bursting out at once because you spilled a little milk".

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all this, TPZ... I really hope it starts to lift for you soon. The worrying and "what I might be forgetting" sounds really familiar and can be an early stage of an OCD episode, if you're prone to such things.

I'm not usually big on recommending drugs or supplements, but I've beed taking 5-HTP for about two years now and it does several things for me that are very noticeable; it keeps the OCD at bay, it helps to stave off my seasonal affective disorder and generally stabilizes my mood, and it helps me with my insomnia without making me groggy during the day. And it's cheap, in the vitamin section. It might be worth looking at, if you can take stuff like that.

The best part is that it seems to help stop that hamster-wheel of worry from spinning endlessly.

I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but it is a feeling that has come up more often. I figured it was part of the "generalized anxiety", but I have been known to turn around and go home because I didn't "watch" myself lock the door so I don't think that I did (it's always locked when I go back) or have to fight to keep heading to my destination because I am convinced something horrible is going to happen just because I left the house.

I do remember you talking about 5-HTP once, I believe in relation to this sort of issue. My boyfriend was taking it for insomnia for a bit so we may still have some at home. Usually I can barely stay awake by the end of the day, but I could be worn out from worrying all day. I did know he mentioned he did like the fact it helped him sleep without that "Nyquil" effect in the morning. Do you usually take it in the morning? It is worth trying at least. I have an anti-anxiety medication that I take as-needed, but I try to save that for REALLY bad days (I probably should have taken it yesterday), and a month's prescription can last me up to a year. I would like to see if the 5-HTP can maybe help regulate/stabilize things, at least, as you said, slow down that hamster on his wheel.

[trippinprincezz13]

That sounds like a daily nightmare, TPZ.

I consider untreated chronic anxiety to be a grave health threat and urge you to take it as seriously as cancer. If you haven't taken a gander, please see Nigel's Robert Sapolsky total fawning fangirl thread for some of the best research on stress that has been done to date.

The good news is that anxiety disorders are fairly treatable, but sometimes that takes a little sorting out in terms of what works for you.

It's not terribly fun, I can say that. It would be nice to be able to relax without feeling guilty or worried. I've noticed that my body is almost always completely tense and I unconsciously seem to clench my jaw most of the time. (My doctor said it is like a German Shepherd's, haha). To an extent I've gotten used to all the buzzing in my head, which isn't a good thing, but when the buzzing stops, that's when I start waiting for the other shoe (that probably isn't there) to drop. But you are right, I have found myself concerned about the long term affects of this, physically and mentally. When I was at the doctor recently, she mentioned there was a "stronger" prescription she could give me, but it would be a daily thing, and we both agreed I would like to try to hold off on that if possible. With spring & summer coming, I am going to work on OUTSIDE more, give the 5-HTP a shot and see how things go.

I will definitely check out that thread too (looks interesting!) along with the video Junkenstein posted. Yesterday when I got home, my boyfriend was out early, so I helped him bottle his beer and a few other productive things, along with talk, so that helped distract/put my mind at ease for a bit. Thank god he is really understanding and supportive of me with all this, but that is not something I want to push. I am feeling a bit better today, though.

[trippinprincezz13]

It doesn't matter how many employees there are.  He isn't allowed to inquire about your health unless he can show cause (ie, performance degradation, etc).

You are absolutely right. My work performance wasn't exactly tip-top yesterday, but it's also definitely not a pattern. *Shockingly* assertiveness is not one of my strong suits, but is a big thing I need to work on. Desperately. Of course, today I'm level-headed enough to address it, but yesterday not without flying off the handle, though I guess that would have gotten the point across. My tendency to avoid confrontation doesn't help. If there's an even a mention of yesterday today, I am prepared to nip that in the bud and state why it was wrong and made me uncomfortable. But if it isn't, I'm not sure if I should bring it up and address it anyway. I'm guessing the answer is probably yes. I should probably stop worrying so much about other people's feelings and be concerned about my own health & privacy.

Thank you again, everyone. I tend to feel guilty venting/complaining about this, but I really appreciate all the advice and support everyone has offered here. 

[Reginald Ret]

It doesn't matter how many employees there are.  He isn't allowed to inquire about your health unless he can show cause (ie, performance degradation, etc).

You are absolutely right. My work performance wasn't exactly tip-top yesterday, but it's also definitely not a pattern. *Shockingly* assertiveness is not one of my strong suits, but is a big thing I need to work on. Desperately. Of course, today I'm level-headed enough to address it, but yesterday not without flying off the handle, though I guess that would have gotten the point across. My tendency to avoid confrontation doesn't help. If there's an even a mention of yesterday today, I am prepared to nip that in the bud and state why it was wrong and made me uncomfortable. But if it isn't, I'm not sure if I should bring it up and address it anyway. I'm guessing the answer is probably yes. I should probably stop worrying so much about other people's feelings and be concerned about my own health & privacy.

Thank you again, everyone. I tend to feel guilty venting/complaining about this, but I really appreciate all the advice and support everyone has offered here.

That.
Same here sister.
Not this.

I hope you get better and better at handling your own idiosynchrasies.

[Junkenstein]

I haven't but I'll check it out when I get home. As long as the unsolicited advice isn't "well, just magic away the sadness with happiness, silly pants", a bit of suggestion wouldn't hurt. And I know that trying to stay positive can be a factor in one's overall mood, but if it was as easy as "be happy", I'd probably be doing it right now.

"Staying positive" has rarely dragged me out of many depressions. Historically, what has worked for me, and what I suggest to you in all seriousness, is a trip to a wreckers yard with a crowbar.

You see, when I get depressed, there is usually a great deal of underlying anger. Beating the living shit out of a car is a fantastic workout, highly therapeutic, and most places will probably let you do it for a fiver if you turn up at the right time and explain that you're pissed off about losing your car in an accident and would like to smash the shit out of that one there that looks just like it. Pretty much every town or city in the UK has such a place, usually quite a few. I imagine you could probably find one within half a dozen phone calls if you don't want a wasted trip. It's easy to arrange and cheap is the point I'm getting at here.

If you've never smashed a car windscreen in before, the first time is a magical experience.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

If you've never smashed a car windscreen in before, the first time is a magical experience.

THIS.  It's like heaving a brick through a plate glass window.  It makes a hell of a racket, and the people inside run around like rats in a firestorm.

[Junkenstein]

It truly is the simple things in life that make it worthwhile.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

It truly is the simple things in life that make it worthwhile.

Yes.

AND SHIT LIKE THIS:

[LMNO]

One of the reasons I play drums. A somewhat socially acceptable way of hitting things with sticks, repeatedly.  Hard.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

One of the reasons I play drums. A somewhat socially acceptable way of hitting things with sticks, repeatedly.  Hard.

And nobody sees you do it! 

[LMNO]

 

[trippinprincezz13]

I am not a "scientist", TPZ.  I am not a "doctor".  I cannot offer "studies" and "peer-reviewed research" (*ptooie*).  But I CAN say, as your spiritual adviser, that there are three things that have consistently worked for me:

1.  The Nigel Method.  Go out and take a walk.  Sounds like you have this one in hand.  Continue.

2.  Be horrible to people that are horrible to people.  This is far more refreshing than it might seem.

3.  Irresponsible firearms use and/or poor driving.

And didn't mean to overlook this post. But these do all sound very therapeutic  The walking thing definitely seems to be a big help. I'm gonna try to keep pushing that more this season even if it means just dragging myself out when there's no one else around. I do need to give people (that deserve it) what for, rather than stewing and letting it make me feel bad. Every so often I've been able to summon the Wrath, but not often enough. People that are horrible to other people really are on the top of the list of my most hated things, so I probably should let them know more often.

Massachusetts barely tolerates responsible firearm use, so I would have to venture to his mom & stepdad's farm in not-quite-middle-of-nowhere-but-close-enough New Hampshire, but I get the sentiment behind it. I really would like to learn how to firearms better since the few chances I've gotten to shoot have been fun.

[trippinprincezz13]

I haven't but I'll check it out when I get home. As long as the unsolicited advice isn't "well, just magic away the sadness with happiness, silly pants", a bit of suggestion wouldn't hurt. And I know that trying to stay positive can be a factor in one's overall mood, but if it was as easy as "be happy", I'd probably be doing it right now.

"Staying positive" has rarely dragged me out of many depressions. Historically, what has worked for me, and what I suggest to you in all seriousness, is a trip to a wreckers yard with a crowbar.

You see, when I get depressed, there is usually a great deal of underlying anger. Beating the living shit out of a car is a fantastic workout, highly therapeutic, and most places will probably let you do it for a fiver if you turn up at the right time and explain that you're pissed off about losing your car in an accident and would like to smash the shit out of that one there that looks just like it. Pretty much every town or city in the UK has such a place, usually quite a few. I imagine you could probably find one within half a dozen phone calls if you don't want a wasted trip. It's easy to arrange and cheap is the point I'm getting at here.

If you've never smashed a car windscreen in before, the first time is a magical experience.

If you've never smashed a car windscreen in before, the first time is a magical experience.

THIS.  It's like heaving a brick through a plate glass window.  It makes a hell of a racket, and the people inside run around like rats in a firestorm.

Anger/frustration often contributes to or results from the anxiety and depression without any real outlet, tends to build up too. This just sounds amazing and has been something I have thought about, as it would not be fun to replace broken things in my house and/or explain to my boss why the phone and computer screen are now the same entity. I always thought there should be "therapeutic destruction" places for this sort of thing, and it never occurred to me that this could actually possibly be done at a junk yard. I may have to delve deeper into this.

One of the reasons I play drums. A somewhat socially acceptable way of hitting things with sticks, repeatedly.  Hard.

And nobody sees you do it! 

That is true though. I imagine it helps a lot to have an outlet to release pent up frustration/anger/anxiety/[insert feeling here].

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I am not a "scientist", TPZ.  I am not a "doctor".  I cannot offer "studies" and "peer-reviewed research" (*ptooie*).  But I CAN say, as your spiritual adviser, that there are three things that have consistently worked for me:

1.  The Nigel Method.  Go out and take a walk.  Sounds like you have this one in hand.  Continue.

2.  Be horrible to people that are horrible to people.  This is far more refreshing than it might seem.

3.  Irresponsible firearms use and/or poor driving.

And didn't mean to overlook this post. But these do all sound very therapeutic  The walking thing definitely seems to be a big help. I'm gonna try to keep pushing that more this season even if it means just dragging myself out when there's no one else around. I do need to give people (that deserve it) what for, rather than stewing and letting it make me feel bad. Every so often I've been able to summon the Wrath, but not often enough. People that are horrible to other people really are on the top of the list of my most hated things, so I probably should let them know more often.

Massachusetts barely tolerates responsible firearm use, so I would have to venture to his mom & stepdad's farm in not-quite-middle-of-nowhere-but-close-enough New Hampshire, but I get the sentiment behind it. I really would like to learn how to firearms better since the few chances I've gotten to shoot have been fun.

Yanno, you might look into the SCA thing with Luna & Richter.  Beating mortal hell out of each other with sticks is very theraputic.