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Messages - Malaclypse the Tertiary

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Apple Talk / We used to be a community
« on: November 20, 2005, 02:26:16 am »
I don't know... I'm starting to see a sort of "natural order" to this place.
Or at least- everyone plays their part consistantly.

One thing I do know. Telling them to change won't do jack shit.
In fact, beating them with a two by four wouldn't make anyone here change.

We is strong willed/thick headed bastages round here

Apple Talk / We used to be a community
« on: November 19, 2005, 02:33:52 am »
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy

I catch hell for trying to be overly clear too, so I don't worry about it either way.

That's the spigot Eldora.
Keep that hell-mitt well oiled.
I do.

Principia Discussion / How did you find Eris(and what did you do to her )
« on: November 19, 2005, 01:14:59 am »
Okay- you asked for it...

from Los Frupanishads, The New Testapoop-
pgs 83-88

The Birth/Rebirth of Fruerisia
-The Revolutionations of John (Dillinger)-

Just before the century and millennium turned over on the great odometer, when
robots could barely walk, before the paranoia wave and the persistent war- right around the time Tim Learys head was being cryogenically frozen-

There came to Peru a Miracle.

On the great marked plains of Nazca Peru, Saint Cale of Rugburn, then a humble anthropologist,
was enlightened by a vision. A tremendous light descended from the sky and a
roar of thunder with it.
In the great descending light was a face; and this face was so terrible to the mind of
Saint Cale that he was broken and fell on his face with uncontrollable laughter. The vision
then retreated and Saint Cale eventually composed himself.
The following night, he along with his colleagues, Saint Alexalanis the Cartographer
and Malaclypse the Tertiary, traveled back to the place of the experience, awaiting
After a good long wait, and a bit of napping the holy vision returned. The light
and the thunder came down, and there again was the face. Its gaze set upon them and
this time its mouth opened and it cried out
And the wholly syllable roared across the plains and straight up the mountains.
The three pilgrims were instantly broken, and like before they collapsed on their
faces,. Laughing like Hyenas. But when they again stood the light was still there. They
gazed up and saw as a great golden snake coiled about the face, wrapping it like a mask.
snake protected them from the horror of his face and yet is was brilliant in of itself.
Then, as if from nowhere, a tall, upright platypus appeared unto them.
I am the Platypus... I come to you, gentlemen, as the voice of the God FRU. He has
shown you his true face- he has spoken his true name, and you are not dead. Thus you are
worthy to be apostles of laughter.
Take Ye this lone graven image of FRU. It is enough of his true visage to give out a non
lethal laugh-trip. Use it carefully, and show it only to those who are worthy. And when
initiate them you shall mark them with the sign of the coiled serpent; and this shall
the mark of FRU.
He said all of this and then he exploded.
When the smoke cleared Cale, Alexalanis, and Malaclypse found themselves alone
on the desert plain, save for the graven image, sitting nearby. They took the image and they
placed it in a box one of the had on them and they called it The Ark of the Convenient. Then the
three declared themselves Keepers of the Sacred Graven Image, (KSGI) and they set out to find
Victoria the Baptist, who was yelling strange things in the wilderness.
When they found her she was yelling at her congregation, which was St. John Dillinger,
also called Kenneth. The three went unto her and asked to be Baptized. But Victoria and John
insisted, No, no, no! You must baptize us! And so they compromised and the five of them
baptized each other with the markings of Fruerisia and there was much rejoicing, (yaaay!)
Thus imbued with spectacular purpose, the KSGI set out and for three years
they ran amok, causing havoc and winning converts. Then after three years the powerful
spirit of Apathy came over Saint Cale of Rugburn and he retired from the cause.
Shortly thereafter, Alexalanis set sail to Antarctica to map the Moloch Glacier. He was never heard
from again, and was presumably lost to the Pacific. Along with him on the boat was the Sacred
Graven Image. John Dillinger, (Kenneth) then split from the movement and founded The <BR>
Anglican Church of Fru in London, while Victoria the Baptist just sort of lost touch.
And so Malaclypse the Tertiary found himself disheartened, and unsure of his purpose. One day
he shoved his belongings into pocket and started walking north.
He wandered up through the jungles of Central America, crossed the Panama canal on a
made of driftwood, and finally strolled up into the desert of Mexico. There he hoped
that the ancient pyramids would present another vision, but none did.
After failing at the pyramids, Malaclypse the Tertiary went into a dirty
bookshop; hoping for some none-too-holy visions. The shop was old, as was the clerk,
who wanted to show him a picture of a lady and a Shetland pony. Mal declined and went
to peruse.
After a time he stumbled across a horrifying black thing at the bottom rack of the
transvestite section. All of his reason told him to ignore it, but a small yellow worm,
coiling about on the cover made him curious. He picked it up and out fell several thousand
golden worm- they had eaten most of the book.
He read what he could; something Disco... Chaos.... Nonsense
.... Chimp..... Then he found a page almost intact- It was marked as 53 The Brunswick
Shrine. He read of the sacred bowling alley and of the pilgrimages to San Francisco.
Good enough! He said- and he set out for the Bay.
Legend tells of how he levitated over the U.S. border patrol in the guise
of a blue plastic shopping bag. Although Ive heard Jorge Salinar tell of how he smuggled
Mal3 over in his trunk for fifty American dollars.
When he reached a road sign emblazoned with Welcome to Los Angeles
he stopped and heaved his left shoe into a ditch. This was no real loss though, as he had
lost his right shoe in Tiawana, but it seemed to have some ritual significance anyway.

Chapter Enrique.

How our hero Malaclypse the Tertiary comes to the Sacred Brunswick Shrine and
finds Lord Omar Kyamm Ravenhurst.

For Three days Mal3 wandered barefoot through the streets of Los Angeles. Then
at 11:00 pm on a Tuesday he turned a corned and beheld Barneys Brunswick Bowling
Eureka! He cried. I have arrived.
He tip-toed into the bustling den of smoke and clattering and walked towards the
back, where the tables were. He was hoping for another sign. At one table, he saw a large,
old chimp drinking coffee.
This seems familiar. He said, and walked over to introduce himself. When he
looked again, he saw that the chimp was wearing cloths, and was, in fact, an old man.
Youre not the chimp. Said Mal
Oh Im not, eh? replied the man.
Oh Im sorry, said Mal I was looking for some people- some kind of chaos
philosophy and disco appreciation club; do you know if they still come here?
Why? Are you one of them? Demanded the old man.
What? No. I dont even really know who they are. Said Mal
Good, then youre safe. Said the man. Sit down and order yourself some coffee.
My name is Saint Lord Omar Kyamm Ravenhurst.
Wait- I do know you said Mal.
Crap! said Lord Omar well its too late now; if youre here to kill me then
youre here to kill me.
What?... said Mal
Never mind. Said Lord Omar. Tell me your name Mr. Barefoot-hasnt-showeredin-
Nine months said Mal T My name is Malaclypse the Tertiary.
What? You pirated his name? said Omar.
Excuse me? replied Mal T
Malaclypse the younger, the other old coot; the dead one. You stole his name.
I honestly never knew his name said Mal The copy of your holy book that I
found was truly holy! That is, festered with worm holes and barely legible- I only by
chance found your name. And I swear that I came about my own name honestly enough.
The little gold worms? replied Omar, yeah weve seen them before... but go
The name derives, Malaclypse began, From my days as a cart hauler in the salt
plants at the South end of the Dead Sea. There, amongst the Israeli workers I was
nicknamed Malachyp... a Hebrew colloquial for salty ; I altered the ending for the sake
of American tounges. The tertiary ending comes from my well practiced ability to exist in
three separate realities simultaneously, thus becoming tertiary.
Curiouser and curiouser said Lord Omar. My Mal derived his name from
the Old Greek malac which meant soft. And he was the younger because of the ancient
sage Malaclypse the Elder who wandered the ancient world.
Strange indeed for I have never heard of him either! said Mal.
So tell me my coincidence ridden friend, said Omar, What brings you to my forbidden
table, other than blind fate and dumb luck.
My story begins in Peru said Mal. And then he told his tale of the wholly visions.
He told of the experimental cults and their eventual disintegration; of the loss of friends
and of hope. Finally he told of his long pilgrimage North towards nowhere in particular.
When he finished Lord Omar sat quietly for a time. Then Omar said
Hokey Smokes man, dig this, itll flip your mind.
And he recounted to Mal T the foundation of Discordianism. He spoke of his own
visions, of the writing of the book; quoting bits here and there. He told him of the
movement, and of the Goddess, and of the holy men and women. Lastly he spoke of how
Malaclypse the Younger had died, in his way; by walking out over and across the Pacific
Ocean., never to be heard from again.
And after that everything just went to
hell in a bucket. Omar finished.
A bucket? asked Mal.
A hand basket doesnt imply enough
intensity. Said Lord Omar.
I see. Said Mal.

Important Interjection. It has been widely rumored in Germany and abroad, that the
astounding coincidences implied in this meeting are the result of Mal T aging backwards
through time, like Merlin. This enabled him to be a great sage in the ancient world, but
in the present, as he nears his birth, he seems to start forgetting things. Then he rediscovers
them and goes around whistling about how swell and novel these tired old ideas
It has also been implied that Malaclypse the Tertiary is actually the young form of
Malaclypse the Younger, and that they are both forms of Malaclypse the Elder. Some say
that the name actually will be invented for the first time in the year 2098, when he will
be officially un-born.
The official Beurocractic Er-An-Eristic council would like to state for public record
that two of these things are absolutely true and one is a deadpan lie.

Meanwhilst, back at Yonder Bowling Shrine.

Saint Lord Omar Kyamm Ravenhurst
11. The real live old co-founder of the faith/unfaith. Really.

Malaclypse the Tertiary
-As the young usurper.

Cue here-

So here we are two holy men with nothing better to do than slum around
a bowling alley. Said one.
Either this is planned, or its ridiculously bad luck.. said the other and
If Fru is the God of Laughter, than Eris, Goddess of Discord, is his mother.
Said the first in reply.

Just then the lights fell dim and everything went silent.

Try not to think thoughts.

The two holy men, young and old respectively, looked about the room in awe. Around
them bowlers were frozen into akward statues, falling pins, hovered, ignoring gravity. Tim
had stopped. They looked at each other and became keenly aware that once again, something
interesting was going to happen.
They looked up to see the Chimp and the Platypus standing side by side, befurred
like two Atlantean meleks.
Gentlemen! They said, their voices in unison(which was, of course,
rather spooky.)
There is no Problem. The twin mammal said.
There is no solution. Nothing was ever wrong.
Isnt that hilarious.
As they ended a wall on the far end of the room came crashing down. Then the
walls started falling one by one. Some inward, some outward; and some strait down like a
car window. And all this while the ceiling and the frozen alley remained unmoved.
Then the ceiling went tearing away, revealing an immense black void where the sky
should be, swirling like the belly of creation itself. Then the Earth tore itself out from
under the building and plummeted away into the blackness.
The rectangular bowling alley hung in the cosmic empty like a great divine chess
board. There was a quiet whistling and a cold wind that blew through the two men. And
it blew their minds.
They gazed up and saw a brilliant light, emerging from the great fold of the void.
The light exploded and filled the sky and from its center emerged three golden forms.
They saw the Goddess; resplendent in her glory. Her hair flowed out like symphonic
rivers of compassion. Her form curved like infinity and her eyes held deep pools of universal
She stood upon a great Golden Goat, whose horns were the sun and the moon, and
whose eyes were Pickards moon and Sputnik. In her right hand Eris held a golden apple
(Acapulco) her sigil. And in here left hand she grasped the left ankle of a dangling baby
boy. She swung him gently and he swayed giddily. His face was covered; masked by a
golden coiled serpent, chasing its own tail.
And beneath the mask shone a terrible light. Its thin rays seared the fabric of time-
space as they crept out.
Then the Goddess Eris Spoke.
Know ye the this oh upright Chimps of Faith. ...
I am Eris Kallisti Discordia. I am Chaos and Objection; Devils advocacy and
dumb luck; shit and shinola..
Know now that this is my son the immortal Godchild FRU. Know him for
he can be your salvation. He is not my only begotten son, but he is my finest begotten
son, and that is the point.
Also the conception was somewhat less than immaculate- but I shall reveal this
later. My main point is that Fru now sits at my Left hand!
Then the Great Goddess raised her apple high into the air where it ignited.
The smoke fumed from it and poured into the void, swirling around like the arms of
a galaxy.
The Golden Serpent mask now uncoiled and the furious face of Fru now
shone in its honesty. And the small mouth opened and the Godchild cried out
The irreconcilable eyes tore through the hearts and minds of Omar and Mal and
they were suddenly broken and fell on their faces in unbridled laughter.
The laughter grew deeper, until the muscle spasms took over and they convulsed on
the floor, gasping for air. The cackling swept through their bodies pushing out everything
that had ever been. In the turmoil Ego was lost and conciseness was reconstructed. Their
minds went to and fro and back again
And then they found Xanadu.
Then a snap and a whizzing sound and they were once again in their chairs at the
bowling alley. Around them pins crashed and bowlers did little dances. A growing bustle
slowly filled the room.
The two shaken men looked at each other; then Mal turned his gaze and Omar his
to follow, over to the near wall where the Chimp and the Platypus were leaning, each with
a cigarette in one hand and a half-empty beer in the other.
The two creatures looked up lazily.
That was that. Said the Chimp, solo this time.
Weve about used up the exploding gag. Said the Platypus,
Then he and the Chimp turned and walked through the wall.
Once again Mal T and Omar looked at each other.
A lot of fun, those guys. Said Mal.
Everlasting and unavoidably so it would seem. Said Omar.
The two intrepid pioneers rested and recounted the experience to each
other. The vision had been clear and both knew that it was now time to talk bureaucracy.
Chapter: End it already! (Part 1 of 5)
Bureaucracy immediately rears its big ugly head.
The Movement must be restructured. Said Mal T, You and I, we can build it
You go ahead with my blessing. Said Omar, Im taking my retired ass
home to get some sleep. Im to old for all this HuJu.
Fair enough. Responded Mal T.
Well rename ourselves The Grand Unified Fruerisian Assembly. Said Lord
Omar ... And go ahead and have my congregation, if you can find them, or want to
I will do my very best unless I decide to give up! declared Malaclypse the Tertiary
Swell. Said Omar Then by the wholly power of the Sacred Apple Corpse and the
Authority of The Keepers of the Sacred Chao, and by the scruple of Malaclypse the Younger
I anoint you the Omnibenevolent Polyfather of Virginity in Gold Nuevo.
I humbly accept this tremendous yet imaginary burden. Said Mal. And Thus I
declare you to be Co-Refounder of the faith/unfaith. King Kong Immortalis!
I most ungraciously accept. Said Omar.
This went on for a time and each named the other a great many things and many,
many parodicly formal gestures were made.
And then in the spirit of Martin Luther, Patron Poo Bah of religious
reform, (and namesake to Dr. Marin Luther King Sr. and Jr.)
11. they sat down and concocted 95 pretty good points regarding the failures of the
POEE and their ideological rightness (ha!) Of their campaign.
Thus the 95 Pretty Good Points were writen, but coffee was spilled and
90 of the points were lost, being written on napkins.
Then Malaclypse the Tertiary declared that should nail the remaining
napkin to the front door of the Cabal of Malaclypse the Younger, again in the spirit of
Luther. Lord Omar informed him of was the Joshua Norton Cabal, and that it was located
in Mal 2s pineal gland, which was across the Pacific with the rest of him.
Then I will go to the shore where he stepped off, Mal T said, and I will bring a
little boat, with a little sail. I will pin the napkin with the 5 PGPs to the little mast and
I will pace a hammer and a nail in the boat. Lastly I will write a short note to Mal two,
asking that if he is alive and has received this, could he nail this napkin to the back of
his own head.
Lord Omar was stunned. Brilliant. He said, standing, I now know That
I am leaving this strange baby, this lifes work of mine, in the proper grubby little hands.
I have to go now he continued, My home, my prison awaits me. But I will be
sure to mail you Holy writings that come to me on this matter, in case youre going to
write a book too. You can pick them up in the Central branch Post Office in Roanoke, VA
under the name Skippy Dippy.
And if you ever need to speak to me again in person, just bury $5,000 U.S. dollars
in a shoebox in your backyard. I will call you within three days.
Goodbye Lord Omar, Malaclypse said, It has been very strange indeed.
It certainly has. This reminds me of what Three Ears, my Lakota Shaman mentor
told me on his deathbed.
What was that? Asked Mal.
He said Maybe being a Shaman wasnt such a great Idea after all. Lord
Omar finished.
Bitter and Poignant responded Mal, Almost anticlimactic... The perfect note to
end the conversation on.
Right on man. Said Omar.
Then he turned and ran out of the bowling alley as fast as he could. He crashed
through the double exit doors and almost smashed intro a small family. Then he
vanished. Malaclypse cleared out as well and made his way to the ocean. There he made
good his promises and sailed his little boat. He knew that if Mal the Younger were still
alive that he would find it somehow.
And then he walked out into the city to spread around some of the weirdness
which was now broiling about in his head.

Apple Talk / We used to be a community
« on: November 17, 2005, 08:00:58 pm »
Where the hell was I when we were talking with our genitals?

Can we go back to that?

Apple Talk / Metal
« on: November 16, 2005, 04:09:04 am »
I like Tom Waits.

The piano has been drinking...
not me.
not me.
not me.

Apple Talk / 1000 Talking Pictures
« on: October 03, 2005, 05:54:10 am »
Don't make me shove my Keanu Reeves Sperm-cicle up your ass!

Apple Talk / Attention NOOBS- Ignore Rev. Rodger
« on: October 03, 2005, 05:19:54 am »
oh- my bad

habit and stuff.

Apple Talk / Attention NOOBS- Ignore Rev. Rodger
« on: October 03, 2005, 03:17:04 am »
ignores the other misanthrope

Apple Talk / Attention NOOBS- Ignore Rev. Rodger
« on: October 02, 2005, 07:12:35 pm »
That's not the Omar I knew...

not nearly clever enough.

Principia Discussion / ATTN: ignore malaclypse the tertiary
« on: September 26, 2005, 11:03:54 am »

stabbies heal

Principia Discussion / ATTN: ignore malaclypse the tertiary
« on: September 26, 2005, 10:57:07 am »
Verthaine- I do mean it. And thank you for being reasonable.

I sincerely and humbly apologize to all parties for any offense

I'm not just tired of fighting. I'm tired of cutting myself off/ being cut off from what good is in the charachters (I mean that in a good way) on this board.

... Moving on...

Principia Discussion / ATTN: ignore malaclypse the tertiary
« on: September 25, 2005, 07:13:07 pm »
Fights have to end sometime.

Who fucking cares who started it. I'm offering a hatchet (to everyone)- bury it with me, or ram it back into my skull- your choice.

Principia Discussion / ATTN: ignore malaclypse the tertiary
« on: September 25, 2005, 07:02:16 pm »
Quote from: Horab Fibslager

reaks of bullshit (Gnostic Gosphels)

all gosphels reak of bullshit. All of them are second hand at best. That's the way it is with the Buddhist sutras too.  It doesn't matter if they're real or not. What matters is if they have something good to say.

Quote from: Horab Fibslager

i'm generally a pretty nice guy,

If that's true than let's just stop fighting already.

I'm not a moron. I'm a human being. And you are too.

Principia Discussion / ATTN: ignore malaclypse the tertiary
« on: September 23, 2005, 08:29:06 pm »
Horab- they're called the Gnostic gosphels, or the Nag Hammadi scrolls.
They were unearthed in 1945 in Egypt- and they were writen before 300 ad by the Gnostic church- who were all wiped out by the Roman Catholics.

right- Jesus would never say we should be nice to each other- that would be so against his charachter

and... oooh! Threats of violence. Oh wait... it's from Cain.

I guess that's probably to be expected from a guy named Cain

(pay no attention to me, I'm really, really full of myself.)

Principia Discussion / ATTN: ignore malaclypse the tertiary
« on: September 21, 2005, 12:16:29 pm »
Well it is true that I would win the dick sucking contest

And the pussy eating contest- and the asshole eating contest- and the ball licking contest- and the toe sucking contest-

and any other contest involving my mouth pleasuring a part of another persons body.


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