New Moon

[East Coast Hustle]

it does, however, give me an idea for trolling the "missed connections" section of CL.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

it does, however, give me an idea for trolling the "missed connections" section of CL.

It just opens so many doors...

[Cain]

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

[Suu]

http://chud.com/articles/articles/21684/1/THE-DEVIN039S-ADVOCATE-WHY-BREAKING-DAWN-MUST-BE-MADE-INTO-A-MOVIE/Page1.html

Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns (this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book), and Edward is afraid to fuck his new bride. The reason: he's super strong and she's just a human - Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex type of situation here. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her - and knocks her the fuck out, leaving her badly bruised.

The baby in Bella's belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella's ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it's making me laugh and laugh and laugh.

In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his fucking teeth. It's like something out of XTro, for the love of God. It's so horrible it's brilliant, and this scene alone is why I remain firm in declaring that David Cronenberg must direct Breaking Dawn. This is surely his movie.

That page was AMAZING.

The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn't want to fuck the baby right off the bat, he can't stand to be away from it and visits everyday. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he'll love her forever. So one day he's going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he see as a bloody newborn. Romance is not dead, it's just being abused by insane Mormon writers.

[Cainad (dec.)]

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

Hurg... urp... ungkghhhhg...


HLUUUUUURGHGGHGL!

[P3nT4gR4m]

Okay so given that the original was the lamest, most emo, fuck all to do with actual vampires, trite piece of gut-wrenchingly mills & boon  ugly shit that was ever committed to celluloid, is there any reason I should piss my bandwidth and another couple of hours of my life down the toilet watching a DVD rip of the sequel?

Other than the fact that, judging by the trailer I've seen, the werewolf CGI is even more amateurish than the sparkly skin bullshit they did in the first one?

I'm not sure if that's a selling point but it's the best I could come up with - "Twilight pt2 - with new and improved depths of really shitty FX"

I'm just assuming that none of the actors have learned anything about acting since their first outing so Tim Curry-esque knuckle biting will prolly be the order of the day. We have a shitty, sparkly, obviously the work of a retarded epileptic baby - postfx shot of fucking edwooard or whatever his stupid ass name is, standing next to a tree - which one looks more wooden?

Answers on a postcard.

[Cain]

Because it's so bad, it's hilarious.  It's like Troll 2, only with a multimillion dollar budget.

I've seen the actors act alright in other things, I think they just hate their characters that much it shows through on the screen.

[Salty]

The author got her English degree from Brigham Young University. I suppose that doesn't make her vampires Mormon, but that doesn't stop me from telling everyone that they, in fact, are.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Because it's so bad, it's hilarious.  It's like Troll 2, only with a multimillion dollar budget.

I've seen the actors act alright in other things, I think they just hate their characters that much it shows through on the screen.

Judging by the script I'd be prepared to accept that defense of their acting skillz. Hard to imagine anyone staying awake even thinking about such bullshit, let alone actually saying it out loud, with something resembling a straight face.

On a more positive note Inglorious Basterds was kinda cool and Gamer, despite suffering from some kinda verhoven-robocop overkill at the beginning turned out not too bad. I aint got the patience for "so bad their good" movies. The only time I'd want to talk about this is to slag off a fan for liking it and I think the effect is better if I don't watch the fucking thing, that way you get the whole "yeah but you need to watch it to understand how awesum it is" evangelical trip to assist my mission of dragging them into complete emotard meltdown.  

[Cain]

The guy who plays Edward Cullen, on his character:

"It's weird, but girls always seem like that. Being a guy, you always just look at girls and think, 'why are you with that guy?'

"With virtually anyone the nice guys always seem to come last. You always get weirdos like Edward who seem to attract women for some reason.

"If Edward wasn't a fictional character and you met him in reality he is like one of those guys who would probably be an axe murderer or something."

[Cait M. R.]

He added: “I had no idea people could get so obsessed. But it’s not scary - it’s amazing. People just project their idea of my character on to me and they just seem to assume that I’m the same, when in reality I’m not.”

Tryingnottopisspeopleoffese for "My fans are a pack of retards!"

[Cain]

Yeah, he said that after saying something else about the fans being crazy which everyone took to mean "please, save me from these psychotics", so definitely covering his ass there.

[LMNO]

http://chud.com/articles/articles/21684/1/THE-DEVIN039S-ADVOCATE-WHY-BREAKING-DAWN-MUST-BE-MADE-INTO-A-MOVIE/Page1.html

Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns (this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book), and Edward is afraid to fuck his new bride. The reason: he's super strong and she's just a human - Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex type of situation here. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her - and knocks her the fuck out, leaving her badly bruised.

The baby in Bella's belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella's ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it's making me laugh and laugh and laugh.

In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his fucking teeth. It's like something out of XTro, for the love of God. It's so horrible it's brilliant, and this scene alone is why I remain firm in declaring that David Cronenberg must direct Breaking Dawn. This is surely his movie.

That page was AMAZING.

The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn't want to fuck the baby right off the bat, he can't stand to be away from it and visits everyday. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he'll love her forever. So one day he's going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he see as a bloody newborn. Romance is not dead, it's just being abused by insane Mormon writers.

Cronenberg.  Or Lynch.

[Cramulus]

the oatmeal produces some very humorous articles these days:

http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

[Freeky]

That was awesome.