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I Live in America

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, October 18, 2012, 05:50:36 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

October 18, 2012, 05:50:36 PM
I live in America.  Most of you may think that America is a great big nation between Canada and Mexico.  This is incorrect.  America is a house in Oro Valley, AZ.

It looks like a rich person's house.  It is essentially a smallish McMansion.  3600 square feet on the first floor, 2000 on the second floor, cathedral ceilings, the works.  However, if you look a little deeper, it's made out of "stick and stucco", a cheap foundation, and rotten plumbing made of a horrible plastic that cracks if you look at it funny.

And in America, I hire a guy that comes by and spreads horrible poison to keep unwanted, lesser inhabitants out of the house.  This allows me to have it all to myself.

I rent the place, which is also American as hell.  It's a bit more than I can afford, but that's a problem TOMORROW, and TODAY I get to sit in this gargantuan house and enjoy the things that my money or credit brings me.

My landlord doesn't care about anything.  That's kinda cool.  As long as he gets HIS, he doesn't care WHAT goes on.  The neighbors complain, and he makes soothing noises at them, and then forgets all about it.

So there you have it.  America in a nutshell.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#1
October 18, 2012, 05:51:56 PM
I am told that other peoples' Americas are different, but I can't see past the gate at the end of the street, so I just fart a bit and go back to my mindless consumption.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#2
October 18, 2012, 05:58:18 PM
That was pretty awesome.  I must try to find time to tell you about MY America.

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
October 18, 2012, 05:59:37 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 18, 2012, 05:58:18 PM
That was pretty awesome.  I must try to find time to tell you about MY America.

I am told that other people have America.

I am in fact told that for about 80% of people, America isn't even pretty on the OUTSIDE, like my America is.  I find this rather difficult to believe; why would anyone choose to live in a non-pretty America?
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Juana

#4
October 19, 2012, 12:14:35 AM
Your house is almost six times the size of mine. I can't even imagine what you do with all that space.


Anyway, my America is a university, which is pretty nice. Decent library, decent instructors, and a decent education if you ignore the weird little sea in which we sit. It's full of concentrated poverty, but its ignorable if you don't look down when paddle across to my America. It's ignorable if you don't listen to the scratching on the bottom of the boat. I'm not sure if it's sea creatures trying to claw their way into the boat or just the hull scraping over their bones.
Sometimes I think about looking down, but I never do. I don't want to know.
"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."

Sano

#5
October 19, 2012, 01:07:02 AM
MY America is a continent. Some weird guys at the north keep using the name to describe themselves, which is weird because there are a lot of other people in America. Arrogant weirdos, I think. Plus, they speak funny. South of that people speak a bit less funny, and me and my country do not speak funny at all. But then everyone around it thinks we are the ones speaking funny. Go figure.  :?
Everything comes to an end, reader. It is an old truism to which may be added that not everything that lasts, lasts for long. This latter part is not readily admitted; on the contrary the idea that an air castle lasts longer than the very air of which it is made is hard to get out of a person's head, and this is fortunate, otherwise the custom of making those almost eternal constructions might be lost.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#6
October 19, 2012, 01:18:50 AM
I live in America. My America is a story-and-a-half house that was once billed as a "classic old-Portland bungalow", with one tiny bathroom and one giant kitchen that's the biggest room in the house. It's not a huge house by modern standards, but for 1909 it has rooms and rooms and rooms... more than enough rooms for me and my  three kids, so I rent one to a guy. I owe more on it than I'm worth, but less than it's worth, so it comes out OK, I guess. Except that the mortgage payments add up to more than my annual financial aid. Most places, I hear, a house like this might go for a third of what I'm paying. Not here, in the prettiest little city in the Pacific Northwest.

In my America working hard wasn't cutting it, so I quit to go to school. Problem is, grants and student loans and State aid aren't enough to pay for this house, so I still work part time... but that's not cutting it either. Plus, to keep my loans and grants and aid they have me jumping through so many hoops that what could have been productive time is eaten up with bureaucracy. So I have to work extra hard, all the time, nights and weekends, trying to make make make enough product to pay the bills. But it isn't selling anymore. A girl just can't catch a break, not even with a 3.6 GPA. So my backup plan, if it comes to that, is to stall foreclosure long enough for me to graduate.

In the meantime, I nailed a piece of plywood over the rotting porch floorboards of my America.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Q. G. Pennyworth

#7
October 19, 2012, 02:25:13 AM
Everyone smiles a lot in My America. Everyone in My America is doing JUST FINE THANK YOU and wants to show you pictures of cats being adorable at things. Everyone in America is better than average. Nobody ever fights. It's a crime to have a bad day in America, so no one ever does. Sometimes someone gets sick, but they'd better POWER THROUGH IT and GET SHIT DONE because America don't stop for no one, and if you're not running to keep up you're falling behind and you don't want to fall behind because then you start to see around those corners that you're not supposed to look at where you can see the cracks in the stairwell to the basement where the drywall's rotting and pieces of it jump like Chinese factory workers, notice the shoddy patchwork cement holding together the crumbling stone foundation slapped together in another century by someone who didn't have a solid grasp of geometry or civil engineering but no one wants to complain and one time I heard someone got too far behind in the bathroom and the whole ceiling fell down on their head. Everything's fine here, move along.

Don Coyote

#8
October 19, 2012, 02:36:32 AM
My America is full of kids that that get hurt, but won't get help. My America is full of broken people that didn't need to be broken. my america is full of people who won't listen because they can't back down, can't look weak, can't quit.

My America is full of kids with brightly colored clothes and hair, who just want to pass the next midterm.

My America is full of people who are always right, especially Always RIGHT, that don't want to share with anyone else.

My America is full of people who should just get a job, and of course that means signing your life away to maybe be blown up by people you don't understand, for things like Everybody's America, except Yours.

My America sometimes smells like CLP and cordite and hot brass.

My America?

Richter

#9
October 19, 2012, 02:47:54 AM
I live in America.  America is sharing an apartment with a Puerto Rican, a Lesbian, a non pregnant white girl, and 5 felines, among other minorities.  It is in one of the city's pet "Nice" places, where for once City Hall and the Mob have agree that good business is good, and stopped messing people up for a few bucks when they would willingly spend twice that the next day.  It is a RARE display of sanity.  I keep the nastier segments of the population at bay, as always, by being large, white, and crazy.  The neighbors think I carry out contracts, or am a reincarnation of Roger Williams.  That's fine, since I KNOW that H.I.M. Joshua Norton's long lost disaffected grandson lives in the house behind me.  I work a job in finance that I have held onto despite the undulations of the finance job sector, and drive horrible contraptions around to strange destinations.  I watch all of this with vague bemusement, since I am certain it will fly apart at the seams sooner than later.  I will then tuck my head down, and get drunk for two days, while the foolish expend their ammo.  I will then emerge with a clear head, knowledge, and direction.  And so I shall build my Empire.
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

P3nT4gR4m

#10
October 19, 2012, 11:10:02 AM
I live in a suburb of America. It's called England. The part I live in used to be called Scotland but they banned that name in 86, along with trade unions and individualism.

My ambition, as dictated to me by the holy cathode ray tube, is to be famous on teevee. To this end there are cameras everywhere, watching my every move. If I'm lucky I get my own show. If I'm not I get captured, doing something only the rich and famous are allowed to do.

I work in a bile production facility. I can feel it rising in my throat, as soon as I walk in the the doors in the morning. As far as I can ascertain, this is why I'm here.

God bless America.

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

Phox

#11
October 19, 2012, 02:23:37 PM
I live in America.

A little red house, two stories tall, that was really a nice place in the 1920s. Now it looks kinda like a patchwork of plywood and paneling.

A little town with no real diversity, 'cept maybe the pile of bones buried under that miner statue.

Fields all around growing food that I never see after it's been harvested.

People frivolously going about their business which largely consists of going to wal-mart and pretending that the mine shafts running under the town aren't really subsiding all that much.

The Good Reverend Roger

#12
October 19, 2012, 03:12:48 PM
My America is full of steam leaks, rotten acid lines, weird electrical fluctuations, and loose bolts.

No.  I'm not talking about my job.  I'm talking about my country.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#13
October 19, 2012, 03:13:47 PM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on October 19, 2012, 12:14:35 AM
Your house is almost six times the size of mine. I can't even imagine what you do with all that space.

A couple of rooms are closed off.  The rest is there so we can get some running space when we bounce off the walls.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

EK WAFFLR

#14
October 19, 2012, 03:49:26 PM
I live in a cheap copy of America, where you can get your coca colas, big macs and 7/11 bits and pieces, and where the most important life goal is to be famous and/or rich; but you get stuff that is very UnAmerican, like free healthcare, decent unemployment welfare etc. DOn't worry though, they are trying to save us from that.
My personal copy is a basement apartment filled to the brim with useless doodads, and Apple products and empty Monster cans.
"At first I lifted weights.  But then I asked myself, 'why not people?'  Now everyone runs for the fjord when they see me."


Horribly Oscillating Assbasket of Deliciousness
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