The Further Crimes of Dark Empress Nigel, part 1

[Doktor Howl]

Ever wonder why nobody in Oregon has ever caught a Sasquatch?  It's simple, really...They all fled down here.  By ones and by twos, they all fled down to the Catalina Mountains, where they stand the risk of being shot by blind & over-eager javalina hunters.  This is largely considered a good trade off.

The reason for this is that it is fall, again, and we all know what that means.  Dark Empress Nigel has the sickness again, and is "hiking" in the woods, wearing fuck all except for a 3 foot knobby strap on she calls "Mick Jagger".  She sings as she runs, and she drives the Sasquatches before her, squealing and roaring in terror.

"Worst family reunion EVER", one said to me, adjusting his adult diapers.  "I mean, here you are, checking up on your descendant species, and this one grabs you and makes your ass the size of the Lincoln Tunnel.  While singing Clauda Rogers tunes.  It's fucking horrible.  But at least it's not so bad as what she did to the poor old Loch Ness Monster.  The poor bastard."

But what are you gonna do?  What can you say to an Empress?  No, the worlds crypto-flora will just have to learn to run faster, or suffer permanent prolapse.  I live in dread of her discovering the chupacabra.  Or Bat Boy. 

History will not treat the Dark Empress well.  She lives to fast, running on too lean of a fuel mixture.  It's only a matter of time before she starts eyeballing NFL players and firemen.  The horror.  The horror.

Okay for now,
Dok

[LMNO]

I love it when Dok gets in one of his moods.

[Doktor Howl]

Accidentally took 2 sleeping pills last night.

[Luna]

Holy fuck.

[Scribbly]

They wash up on the shores sometimes, you know. Those poor, pitiful beasts. The ones who are so desperate that they plunge over the bridges and, eventually, into the ocean.

Waterlogged and drenched, I'm told that in some countries they wash up alive; propelled by fear (and sometimes, other... things) to keep their heads above water longer than you would think possible, but here in the UK the distance is just too great for most. The truly desperate ride on makeshift rafts lashed together from things best left unthought of, all stinking hair and faeces, they come to our shores crying for asylum from the horrible things they've seen in their flight away from the Dark Empress.

... And then BadBeast eats them.

Well, what can you do?

[Doktor Howl]

Badbeast is bad, there is no doubt about that.  He is a vicious descendant of the Picts, and he'll eat anything he can beat 2 falls out of 3.

But he pales in comparison to LMNO, who - when the meat craving is on him - goes to a ranch in Montana, wearing stainless steel dentures.  There he runs the field at night in rubber clothes, hauling down cattle and feeding.  The locals, of course, are scared shitless, and blame it on cattle mutilations...Nobody wants to be the one to rat LMNO out, and besides, the local police are likely in on it.  Then he comes to PD and shows us only the pictures taken during the daytime, for which I thank God.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

It's not my fault... they just don't know what's good for them, you know? It's just a bit of sport, a little girlish fun. Besides, once the leaves start to turn and that wonderful smell is in the air, I just get an itch. I can't help myself, really.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

I love it when Dok gets in one of his moods.

This.

I also wish I could move my scalp like that guy in the gif.

[Doktor Howl]

It's not my fault... they just don't know what's good for them, you know? It's just a bit of sport, a little girlish fun. Besides, once the leaves start to turn and that wonderful smell is in the air, I just get an itch. I can't help myself, really.

It was all just for a laugh, I know.  But you have to remember that they are primitives, almost Texans, and don't know what's in their best interests.  So they run and they run and they run, allllll the way to Tucson, where they get run over by some jackass in a Camaro - for they still drive those, here, much to our embarrassment - who has Bad Company blaring on his 8 track deck, and his mullet flying in the breeze, looking rather like the ape man he just did a hit and run on.

And then animal control comes by and says "WTF?", and it's all explained away as mutant javalinas from out Benson way.

[Freeky]

Dark Empress Nigel's forays in the forest, and the effects they have on the world at large, is proof positive of global warming AND divine creation.

[Doktor Howl]

Dark Empress Nigel's forays in the forest, and the effects they have on the world at large, is proof positive of global warming AND divine creation.

Once we all lived in the forest, and nobody lived anywhere else.  We were forced to flee our homes, though, when Dark Empress Nigel decided that we were fucking up her feng shui.  Those of us that were quick, that could run, that had stamina, made it to the mountains, where we are - at least for the moment - safe.  The slow, the elderly, the complacent?  All eaten by her feral hipsters.  I can still hear their screaming, when I'm up late at night.  It sounds like coyotes, only coyotes don't add "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALIVE" to their yipping and screeching.

Some fools still dream of one day returning to the forest, to live as we were meant to live.  What they don't realize is that the forest has been turned all twisty and sideways by the influence of the Dark Empress, and if they go back, the shamblers will get them.

No, it is safer to stay up in the mountains, and tend our shrines to Bob Seger.  He keeps us safe...Or safer, at any rate.  At least until the lowlanders run out...But hopefully, I'll be dead by then, and my ungrateful spawn can face the hideous end that awaits them.  Ye shall know when the end is near, when you hear a sweet voice singing "The Ace of Spades" by Motorhead, as she strides up the slopes.

Amen.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Damn.

[Freeky]

Dark Empress Nigel's forays in the forest, and the effects they have on the world at large, is proof positive of global warming AND divine creation.

Once we all lived in the forest, and nobody lived anywhere else.  We were forced to flee our homes, though, when Dark Empress Nigel decided that we were fucking up her feng shui.  Those of us that were quick, that could run, that had stamina, made it to the mountains, where we are - at least for the moment - safe.  The slow, the elderly, the complacent?  All eaten by her feral hipsters.  I can still hear their screaming, when I'm up late at night.  It sounds like coyotes, only coyotes don't add "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALIVE" to their yipping and screeching.

Some fools still dream of one day returning to the forest, to live as we were meant to live.  What they don't realize is that the forest has been turned all twisty and sideways by the influence of the Dark Empress, and if they go back, the shamblers will get them.

No, it is safer to stay up in the mountains, and tend our shrines to Bob Seger.  He keeps us safe...Or safer, at any rate.  At least until the lowlanders run out...But hopefully, I'll be dead by then, and my ungrateful spawn can face the hideous end that awaits them.  Ye shall know when the end is near, when you hear a sweet voice singing "The Ace of Spades" by Motorhead, as she strides up the slopes.

Amen.

And then mine eyes did see the Dark Empress striding up the side of the mountain, the hell breezes blasting fiery about her face and hands, and my pance did become full.  And the Dark Empress did grin and expose her teeth of sharks, and did motion with her hands as if playing an infernal instrument of death, and did say "der nanernanernanerna ^DERNANER_NANER der nanernanernanerna ^DERNANER_NANER"

[Doktor Howl]

Dark Empress Nigel's forays in the forest, and the effects they have on the world at large, is proof positive of global warming AND divine creation.

Once we all lived in the forest, and nobody lived anywhere else.  We were forced to flee our homes, though, when Dark Empress Nigel decided that we were fucking up her feng shui.  Those of us that were quick, that could run, that had stamina, made it to the mountains, where we are - at least for the moment - safe.  The slow, the elderly, the complacent?  All eaten by her feral hipsters.  I can still hear their screaming, when I'm up late at night.  It sounds like coyotes, only coyotes don't add "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALIVE" to their yipping and screeching.

Some fools still dream of one day returning to the forest, to live as we were meant to live.  What they don't realize is that the forest has been turned all twisty and sideways by the influence of the Dark Empress, and if they go back, the shamblers will get them.

No, it is safer to stay up in the mountains, and tend our shrines to Bob Seger.  He keeps us safe...Or safer, at any rate.  At least until the lowlanders run out...But hopefully, I'll be dead by then, and my ungrateful spawn can face the hideous end that awaits them.  Ye shall know when the end is near, when you hear a sweet voice singing "The Ace of Spades" by Motorhead, as she strides up the slopes.

Amen.

And then mine eyes did see the Dark Empress striding up the side of the mountain, the hell breezes blasting fiery about her face and hands, and my pance did become full.  And the Dark Empress did grin and expose her teeth of sharks, and did motion with her hands as if playing an infernal instrument of death, and did say "der nanernanernanerna ^DERnaner_NANER der nanernanernanerna ^DERnaner_NANER"

This is why all of our houses, etc, are painted beige and white.  The color of airports.  The color of "here to go", just passing through.

We know we'll have to run, again, and so we prepare ourselves psychologically by embracing supermodernism.  There is no permanent home.  There is only a stop to rest for a minute or a century, and then it's time to run, run like buffalo being herded over a cliff.

And when the aliens finally come to study us, they will find two kinds of human remains...The ones that have been gnawed on, and the ones in big piles at the bottom of cliffs and strip mines.  And they will wonder two things:  First, what happened to these people, and second, did you just hear a noise by the aft hatch?

Eventually, they will stop sending rescue missions, and their database entries will say:

EARTH IS A DEAD WORLD

They won't even have myths about us.  They'll just try to forget that they ever picked up our TV broadcasts, and they will not sleep well at night.

[Freeky]

And when it comes to pass that even the elder gods approach the dead planet, they'll gaze upon the destruction and be impressed.  Then they shall encounter Nigel herself and sayeth amongst themselves, "Dude, this chick is FUCKED UP.  Let's get out of here."  And then they'll flee to some other planet where the horrors are none so powerful or terrifying.