THIS JUST IN: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED

[navkat]

Dude, I fucking love Christmas. That it's a Pagan-cum-Christian holiday that got RE-RE-hijacked for the purposes of gluttony and hedonism pleases me to no end.

Yeah, man...keep "Christ" in that shit: it's funnier that way.

I get all my shopping done by the end of October and then spend the rest of Nov - January just people-watching and enjoying the sights and smells. No bags, no sweating-chilly-sweating. No pushing old ladies out of the way for the last purple Meeba in Zellers or Target. If I see something cute for my punkin and I have the money, I'll snag it and put it in his pile. Otherwise, it's lounging around, eatin Auntie Anne's pretzels, sniffing all the lotions in Bath & Body Works and just generally being a infuriatingly relaxed, slowpoke barricade in the middle of Books A Million, paging through every, single, fucking item on the "EXCITING NEW FICTION JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS" section. "Yeah, bitch, if you want the New Stephen King for your nephew, you're gonna have to walk around the store to the other side of this aisle. I'm reading.

I love having an excuse to lavish my son with magic and tell him fantastic lies about diabetic old farts in suits made out of the fur of Polar Bears who dyed it red and then had to shave it off and get real jobs. I like telling him Santa only does the commercials for diaBEEtus supplies because he has bills to pay the other 364 days of the year.

I love telling him shit like: "The elves no longer make the toys...FUCK NO! You think they know how to do that shit anymore? Elves can't put together a Zhu Zhu pet or a Nerf gun! Santa sub-contracts all that stuff out to Mattel and whatnot. All the elves do is keep track of the Administrative shit like the naughty/nice lists, answering Santa's fanmail, request forms and all the times you eat your dessert and throw away your lunch in school. Oh what? You thought I didn't know? I get an audit list every year from Santa. It's required in accordance with the Yukon Holiday Industry Fairness And Accountability Act of 2003. If you get coal, you're entitled to a copy of your Credit report and an appeal. Just don't count on getting an answer anytime soon, the Canadian government is slow as poo and all that stuff has to go through Mississauga. I hear it takes two years.

What's that? No, I can't do that, the elves in the IT department get mad if you send extraneous emails or ask silly questions. They might just "misplace" your file and then you won't get anything for Christmas because Santa won't know you exist."

Y'all just aren't doin it right.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I quit celebrating Christmas about 11 years ago. I have hated it since I was a kid, and when I split with my first baby-daddy I just figured it would be easier if I took Winter Solstice (as Yule) and he kept Christmas. So now, we have a big dinner with a lot of friends and a couple of presents, and he gets to have the whole Christmas experience. And all the pressure. Funny thing is, the kids look forward to Yule even more than they look forward to Christmas. Fewer presents, yes. But also less pressure, and way more fun.

[Luna]

Trying hard not to think about major holidays this year.  Especially Thanksgiving and Christmas.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Dude, I fucking love Christmas. That it's a Pagan-cum-Christian holiday that got RE-RE-hijacked for the purposes of gluttony and hedonism pleases me to no end.

Yeah, man...keep "Christ" in that shit: it's funnier that way.

I get all my shopping done by the end of October and then spend the rest of Nov - January just people-watching and enjoying the sights and smells. No bags, no sweating-chilly-sweating. No pushing old ladies out of the way for the last purple Meeba in Zellers or Target. If I see something cute for my punkin and I have the money, I'll snag it and put it in his pile. Otherwise, it's lounging around, eatin Auntie Anne's pretzels, sniffing all the lotions in Bath & Body Works and just generally being a infuriatingly relaxed, slowpoke barricade in the middle of Books A Million, paging through every, single, fucking item on the "EXCITING NEW FICTION JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS" section. "Yeah, bitch, if you want the New Stephen King for your nephew, you're gonna have to walk around the store to the other side of this aisle. I'm reading.

I love having an excuse to lavish my son with magic and tell him fantastic lies about diabetic old farts in suits made out of the fur of Polar Bears who dyed it red and then had to shave it off and get real jobs. I like telling him Santa only does the commercials for diaBEEtus supplies because he has bills to pay the other 364 days of the year.

I love telling him shit like: "The elves no longer make the toys...FUCK NO! You think they know how to do that shit anymore? Elves can't put together a Zhu Zhu pet or a Nerf gun! Santa sub-contracts all that stuff out to Mattel and whatnot. All the elves do is keep track of the Administrative shit like the naughty/nice lists, answering Santa's fanmail, request forms and all the times you eat your dessert and throw away your lunch in school. Oh what? You thought I didn't know? I get an audit list every year from Santa. It's required in accordance with the Yukon Holiday Industry Fairness And Accountability Act of 2003. If you get coal, you're entitled to a copy of your Credit report and an appeal. Just don't count on getting an answer anytime soon, the Canadian government is slow as poo and all that stuff has to go through Mississauga. I hear it takes two years.

What's that? No, I can't do that, the elves in the IT department get mad if you send extraneous emails or ask silly questions. They might just "misplace" your file and then you won't get anything for Christmas because Santa won't know you exist."

Y'all just aren't doin it right.

And I'm stealing that line about keeping the Christ in Christmans 'cause it's funnier that way. 

[Cainad (dec.)]

This is why we have Moosemas.

It can happen at any time of year, whenever it's needed. And instead of presents, asshattery.