THE LITERARY EVENT OF THE CENTURY

[LMNO]

[re-jack]

Did I mention this story sound great so far?

I just want to know when the gunplay starts.

[Fizzwitz Glorypoop]

Oh, yeah. I actually meant to say, "Great story, ECH." It was a typo.

[BADGE OF HONOR]

Your name is Justin?  

You should see what his last name is.

[Fizzwitz Glorypoop]

Stain?

[BADGE OF HONOR]

Nah.  It's ridiculously boring.

[Cain]

Troof.  

I'll actually read this thread from the start one day.

[Fizzwitz Glorypoop]

How sad. I bet he cries himself to sleep about it every night.

[East Coast Hustle]

[re-jack]

Did I mention this story sound great so far?

I just want to know when the gunplay starts.

it starts when I finally stop crying myself to sleep because I have such a boring inconspicuous name.

actually, it doesn't come in until towards the end. but there will be other violence coming sooner than that.

[Fizzwitz Glorypoop]

[re-jack]

Did I mention this story sound great so far?

I just want to know when the gunplay starts.

it starts when I finally stop crying myself to sleep because I have such a boring inconspicuous name.

actually, it doesn't come in until towards the end. but there will be other violence coming sooner than that.

Excellent.

[LMNO]

Actually, your name is perfect for slipping in undetected into lists, registers, polls, voting ballots, etc...

[East Coast Hustle]

chapter 2:

Cuz picks me up around 8 in his work truck. He works for an insect extermination company whose motto is "We'll Smoke Your Roaches". This is the first time I've seen him in 10 years other than once for 20 minutes when I randomly ran into him while he was in Bath visiting my uncle and I was Christmas shopping a few blocks away. Hell, last time I saw him he was a skinny little punk who always ratted me out for smoking weed behind the house, which was more funny than annoying since my mom then had to pretend that she cared because she didn't want him to think smoking weed was OK. He turns to me.

"We've gotta make a few stops along the way. I gotta see a couple people."

"You ain't gotta lie to kick it, cuz. What you got? Anything good?"

"Yeah, but it's too expensive. And besides, you should know I'm not gonna let you pay for shit while you're here."

Good to know he's doing well for himself, anyway. After a few stops to take care of his business, we finally end up at The Old Mill, which is one of the coolest clubs in the western hemisphere, and which appears not to have changed one bit in the 10 years since I last graced it with my presence. The club has a huge parking lot split into two parts that are divided by a chickenwire fence. The lot closest to the entrance is covered in gravel, it's where most of the customers park. The customers whose business at the club involves nothing more than having some drinks and dancing or playing pool. We park in the muddy, poorly-lit back lot. Cuz has something on his mind, but before he can say anything, I hop out and make for the entrance. I've got something on MY mind too, and it wouldn't surprise me in the least if she still worked here. In fact, it would surprise me if she didn't. I have just enough time to register the presence to my left before I feel the sharp crack across my cheek that signals the disapproval of a woman scorned.

"What the fuck are YOU doing here? You get run out of Seattle by the cops or the competitors? Huh...I take it those Frenchie boys don't know you're back or you wouldn't look half that pretty. Maybe I oughtta give Darryl a call, I'm sure he'd LOVE to see you."

"Hannah, I was, uh, hoping to find you here..." Shit. That came out even lamer than it sounded in my head.

"My shift ends at 11. You'd BETTER still fucking be here when I get off, or I'll never talk to you again."

Well, that answers that. Some things never change, even after 10 years, and the fact that Hannah can't resist me in spite of hating my guts appears to be one of them. Damn, she's even more beautiful than I remember. I'd better be careful around her, cats do stupid shit for women like that, and I can't afford to get myself in any fucked up situations while I'm down here. Cuz comes over to introduce me to his boy Jake, who's got the drink-slinging duties tonight.

"Jake, this is my cousin J, from the states. Get him whatever he wants and don't even think about letting HIM pay for anything. Just put it all on my tab."

"Sure thing, bro. J, what's your poison?"

"I don't know, man." My head's still full of Hannah's perfume. "Gimme whatever he's having."

Jesus. Hennessey and Cranberry juice with a wedge of lime seems somehow morally wrong to me, but it sure tastes OK. It also tastes like I'd better be careful about how fast I drink these things.

"Hey, J! you any good at pool?"

"Nah, but I'm still better than you. Let's do it."

He catches me up on the last 10 years of island life while we're playing.

I win, handily.

"Hey, we gotta split for a while, J. We gotta go to Frenchtown and meet up with some people."

"Business or pleasure?"

"Nah, man, just meeting up with some friends. Don't worry, bro, I'll let you know when you need to have your shit together. Until then, just relax. Tonight's on me."

Did I mention that among all the things I love about St. Thomas, the legality of drinking and driving ranks high on the list? I'll probably mention it again before we're through here.

"We gotta be back to the Mill before 11, Cuz. Hannah will ave my balls if I'm not there when she gets off."

"How do YOU know Hannah, man? I've been trying to get with that for a day, bro."

"Scanlon used to date her older sister. She used to try to get me to pimp on her back in the day, but I was 16 and she was only 13. She didn't look 13, but still. Last time I saw her I was 19 and she had just turned 16. I had NO problem with that, so we hooked up. Well, turns out she was a virgin, man. I didn't even know. But you know how they get sometimes after that. Homegirl was straight sprung. Tried to get me to stay on the island instead of going home at the end of the summer, then she started talking about running away to be with me in Seattle. I should have just kept my mouth shut, she'd have realized it wasn't happening for real soon enough, but I was dumb, and laid down the situation in terms that were, well, maybe a little TOO honest. This is the first time I've seen her since then. Apparently, she hasn't forgotten what a goddamn pimp I am."

"Damn, bro. Well, we'll be back in time. I don't wanna fuck that up for you, J."

We make the turn into Frenchtown and pull up in front of Betsey's. Damn, I don't recognize a single person here, besides Betsey. She recognizes me too, runs over and fawns over me for a few minutes, which she has every right to do seeing as how she's known me since I was 4 or 5 years old. Cuz leads me over to a corner table full of people and introduces me to the posse. Drew, Scott, Jake, Tim, Eric, and Toby. I might remember half of those five minutes from now, less if one of the pair of drinks in my cousin's hands is for me. We stay long enough to get everyone together, and for Cuz to take a walk around back with a couple people (after all, when you're in the Game, it's always business), then it's back to the Mill, which should be just starting to go off right about now. After all, when the bars that bother to close don't do so until 4am, showing up to the party before midnight is not only pointless, but downright counterproductive.
It's 11:15. Hannah is sitting at the bar, talking to Bartender Jake, and she looks pissed. I try to sneak around to the side bar, make it look like I've been there all along and she just didn't see me, but she fixes me with a glare before I can slink behind the stage area to my left.

"So, thought you could sneak out on me again, huh?"

"Uhh..." Before I can get any farther, she's cramming her tongue in my mouth. That was easy.

"God damn it, Justin. How long are you here for?"

"A week. And don't get any crazy ideas this time. I have a business to get back to. A legitimate business."

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to be so bitchy when you came in, sometimes things just stay with you, you know?"

Yeah, I know, but this isn't a conversation I want to have with her right now. Jake saves me by bringing me another drink. He motions for me to come within whispering distance.

"You look like you could use a little something. Here. Be careful. It's a little better than what you're probably used to in the states. Oh, and take Hannah with you. That'll seal the deal for you, though it looks like you've probably got that one in the bag anyway. My treat. Welcome back, man. We've all heard a lot about you, you know."

I grab Hannah and head towards the bathrooms. We grab an empty stall and lock the door as she digs out a car key from her purse.

"Here, just take a little bit on the end of this. Trust me, you won't need much."

I've never been one to listen to reason, especially when it comes to recreational drug use. Ordinarily, coke isn't my cup of tea, but I am on vacation, and I do have a ridiculously hot girl in a bathroom stall with me who's all over me and the bag of blow. I scoop a good half-gram onto the car key and take it like a champ.

Mistake.

Miraculously, I manage to keep from puking, but I'm definitely holding onto the sides of the stall for support and sweating like a whore in church. Hannah has a peculiar mix of amusement and concern on her face, like a mother who has just watched her toddler skin his knee badly enough to cry about it while executing some clumsy playground ninja maneuver.

"You gonna be OK, there, stud?"

"Never been better. Holy fuckballs!"

She moves towards me with a look on her face that leaves no doubts as to her intentions.

"Hold on there, babe. I'm glad to see you too, but I'd like to wait to express my appreciation of your presence until we're in a more appropriate venue than a bathroom stall."

This is a lie. I could care less where we are, but there are other things on my agenda that need to be taken care of first, and I know for a fact that I can take care of Hannah any time I want to. She doesn't even look the slightest bit disappointed. She likes it when I play hard to get.

"If you say so, champ, but you better not fade out on me before the night is through. I've been waiting a LONG time for this."

"Don't you worry. The LAST thing I want to do is leave you hanging."

She doesn't get the joke, which is good because it's a cruel one. Coke always did turn me into an asshole. Well, more of an asshole.

As we exit the bathroom, I hear the sound of sirens and of vehicles sliding to a stop in the parking lot. I also hear the sound of a girl screaming. Scott runs by me, asks me if I know where Cuz is. I don't.

"We gotta find him. Ashley's out in the parking lot and she's going psycho. She just beat the shit out of his truck. We gotta get shit outta there before the cops get too involved."

"You go find him. I'll take care of the truck. Hannah, you got a car here?"

"Yeah..."

"Go get it started and pull around to the back lot. Meet me there. Scott, you get Cuz. Tell him I've got his shit safe with me and to meet us at the Greenhouse. Run. Hannah, we have to GO."

I give the yayo back to Bartender Jake and toss him a tip for my drinks.

"We'll be at the Greenhouse. Come by later and I'll get you back for the bumps. I've gotta go get Cuz out of some shit right now."

"Alright, we'll meet up with you there. Be safe, bro."

Good advice indeed, too bad I'm not gonna end up heeding it. I run out to the parking lot. The cops are still up by the entrance, talking to Eric and Ashley. I run over to the back lot, and while Hannah's turning her car around, I quickly go in through the obscured passenger side of the truck and grab what I need from under the seat, as well as a loaded 9mm that the cops probably don't need to find out about. I don't even wait to find out if they saw me go into the truck or not. I dive into Hannah's car and she floors it and we're out like a boner in sweatpants, headed down the hill into town.

"Damn, baby, I'm glad you're not psycho like that."

A look, one raised eyebrow.

"You don't know that."

TO BE CONTINUED...

[LMNO]

The writing talents are strong in this guy...

[East Coast Hustle]

coming from you, that's high praise. thanks.

[LMNO]

coming from you, that's high praise. thanks.

[East Coast Hustle]

It takes us a while to find a place to park. Scott and Cuz are already there when we walk in to The Greenhouse. Cuz slides another Henny & Cran across the table to me.

"It's Tuesday."

Two-fer Tuesday, to be exact. 2 drinks for the price of one at The Greenhouse tonight. Lucky for me, the events of the previous half-hour have erased all traces of previous drunkenness. I'm starting with a clean slate here.

"I hadn't forgotten. So what happened with the cops and Ash?"

He goes into more detail than I'm really interested in about their relationship drama, but the upshot is that they sent her home to cool off and since I got the stuff out of there, he didn't have any problems aside from the damage to the vehicle. I don't bother to point out that his fault or not, his boss may not look kindly on having damage inflicted on a company vehicle in the parking lot of a club 6 hours after the workday has ended. I head to the dance floor and motion for Hannah to follow.


"Hold on, baby. I gotta go do something real quick. Don't go anywhere."

Not much danger of that. She walks out of the club and around the block. I spy a really attractive brunette on the dance floor. She's obviously a tourist, and she's got the "dirty librarian" thing going for her. God, I love that look. I decide to take advantage of the fact that she's clearly uncomfortable with the two sketchy islanders that are grinding all over her and interpose myself between them and her. She smiles appreciatively and tries to make small talk with me. Blah blah blah, corporate conference, blah blah blah, boyfriend wouldn't come with her because his beer-league softball team was in the playoffs, blah blah blah, they make the drinks so STRONG here, blah blah blah. Clearly she's ripe for the picking. I'm in the middle of storing her cell number in my phone when Cuz runs up to me.

"We've got a problem."

"Hold on, dude. I'm kinda busy."

"Bro, we have a PROBLEM. Hannah's getting arrested outside."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No, and unless you've got her car keys, I'm gonna be in a world of shit if they haul her off before I get my shit out of her car."

"OK, shit, hold on. I'm sorry, darlin', it appears I have to go. We'll talk later?"

She's clearly a whole lot less impressed with me than she was 2 minutes ago.

"Sure, whatever."

Fuck it. Time to see if I can salvage this night at all. We step outside the club and there's Hannah and two large VI Police Officers standing against the side of the old Hard Rock Cafe. Scott is trying to talk to the officers and whatever he's saying is CLEARLY not helping matters any.

"Excuse me, officers. What seems to be the problem?"

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Well, I'm the guy who's date you're arresting. Since she's also my ride, I'd kind of like to know what's going on."

Hannah is freaking the fuck out - screaming, crying, and spitting all at the same time. I'm struck by how beautiful she is even when she's apoplectic.

"THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! YOU FUCKING PLANTED THAT YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!! DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME AWAY SO THEY CAN RAPE ME!!!!"

Unfortunately, she's not being unreasonable. That sort of thing happens all too often in this part of the world, but I don't intend to let it happen here.

"What exactly is she being charged with, Officer?"

"Posession of a controlled substance. We saw her coming back to the club from a corner that is known for drug sales, and when we searched her, we found this in her purse." He holds up what looks to be about a gram of coke in a little square baggie.

"You're gonna haul her off to jail for a gram of coke? C'mon, man, there's no need for that. How much for her bail? $100?"

"That's up to the judge."

"C'mon. There's no need to go through all that. $200? Is that enough to bail her out?"

I pull out a wad of bills and begin counting off two hundred dollars. A look of recognition dawns on the cop's face. Apparently, it wasn't that $100 wasn't enough, just that he was slow on the uptake.

"Yeah, that should be enough to cover it. We'll release her to your custody. And if I were you, I'd head straight home. If we have to talk to you again tonight, you're both going to jail."

Good advice. Too bad I'm not gonna end up heeding it. And besides, after everything that's already happened tonight, I am bound and determined to enjoy the rest of my first night of vacation. I put an arm around Hannah and walk her back towards the club.

"Thanks, Justin. You really didn't have to do that, you know."

"You and I both know that I most certainly did have to. Even if the cops hadn't done anything to you, the St. Thomas jail is no place for a pretty white girl. And besides, I kinda like having you around."

"I'll pay you back when I get paid on Friday. You will still be here on Friday, won't you?"

"You know it. But don't even worry about that. You can pay me back whenever, it's not gonna break me."

She stops me and kisses me before we go inside.

"You know, I wonder what it would have been like if you had stayed before?"

"Don't start that, babe. Let's just enjoy ourselves for the rest of the night."

And maybe if I'm lucky, we can enjoy each other later. We get back inside and I sneak over to the side service bar where Cuz can't see me. If he wants to buy me drinks all week when I'm flying solo, that's his business, but I'll be damned if I can't buy drinks for my date my own damn self. Dance and drink, drink and dance, until 3am rolls around. Hannah's still down to stay and dance until closing time, but Cuz has other plans.

"Hey, J, we gotta get rolling, bro. I gotta take care of some real business before the end of the night."

"Shit, man, I was kinda leaning towards going home with Hannah."

"I won't lie to you, J, these dudes I'm going to see are kind of sketchy. I'd feel a lot better if you had my back when I go in there."

"Alright. Lemme go talk to Hannah, then we'll roll. Give me 15 minutes."

Hannah drags me into the bathroom stall before I can say anything. I'm about .05 seconds from ripping her clothes off and fucking her senseless right then and there when she stops me.

"I told you those cops were lying. That bag they had was a plant. They didn't even find the bag I actually had on me. They just wanted an excuse to get a drunk white girl in the back of their car."

She pulls out a small square baggie. Jesus, I forgot how badly this island is overflowing with drugs.

"Babe, I gotta go. Cuz is waiting for me outside. He needs me to go help him take care of some things."

"You're leaving? Fuck you."

"He's blood, baby. I can't tell him no. It should only take an hour or so, where are you gonna be?"

"Well, I was going to take you back to my place, but I guess I'll go hang out with Drew and Toby."

"Alright. We'll come over to Drew's place as soon as we're done."

"Good. I might still be there. Here, here's some incentive to come find me again later."

Damn. I wonder if she'd like Maine? No time for that shit, though. I head out to the street where Cuz is waiting. Not only did he beat us to the Greenhouse, but he apparently had time to run home and switch vehicles in the process. Now we're rolling in the '02 Mustang, and this car would make the boys at Pimp My Ride proud.

"So where are we headed?"

"We've gotta go see my boy Danny, then we're going to Sky High."

"Oh."

Not what I wanted to hear. Sky High has a reputation as a place for one-stop shopping. You can get a drink, get some drugs, get a cheap hooker, and get robbed, all in the same place. The reality is usually even worse than the reputation. Definitely no place for a drunk, coked-out white boy from the states, and I am drunk. I hadn't noticed amidst all the hubbub, but a few minutes sitting down in the car makes it painfully obvious that I am what we in the industry refer to as being "tore up from the floor up." I hope all Cuz wants me to do is stand around and look menacing, because I have a feeling that actually being menacing might be too much for me to handle at this point. We pull into an alley and stop the car.

"Wait here. I gotta go upstairs and talk to Danny real quick. I'll only be a few minutes. The piece is under the seat if anything happens."

"Hurry up."

I pass the time by smoking a cigarette, something I haven,Äôt done in months. Everybody and their mother is giving me the hairy eyeball, but no one fucks with me. Cuz comes back. He looks pissed.

"That fucking cocksucker. I can't believe he tried to pull that shit with me, bro. He knows better than to fuck with NorthSide boys! Malik fucking told him not to pull his bullshit with us. He's gonna be pissed when he finds out about this. I tell you, bro, you see that little fucker, you watch your back. He's fucking shady bro, even shadier than the rest of these fucks. Let's go make me some money so we can get the fuck out of here and back up the hill."

We walk into Sky High. The hairy eyeballs from the ghetto kids outside have nothing on what I'm getting in here. Cuz may say he wants me to have his back, but I suspect that coming in with him is what's going to keep me alive and unharmed. At least the girl on stage is hot. That's a rarity for these shit-hole West Indian whorehouses. On closer inspection, she's still in braces. I guess that's one way to pay for school uniforms. I get myself a drink and grab a chair near the stage. From where I am, I can keep an eye on the door and the entrance to the back rooms and still look like I'm just checking out the T&A onstage. It takes less than a minute for the first one to approach me.

"Hey there, white boy. You wan' com' out back wid I when I ge' done widda next trick? I co' show you tings dem stateside gyuls won' even tink about doin', ya know."

"Nah, I'm set for now, honey. I'll let you know if I change my mind."

They come, one after the other. It appears to be incomprehensible to them that a white boy, a stateside white boy no less, would come in here for any other reason than to rent their services. Truth is, even if I were interested, I doubt the equipment would comply right now. Whiskey-dick and coke-dick at the same time? Anyway, I doubt Hannah would be impressed if I showed up at Drew's place smelling like three different flavors of West Indian whore. Cuz disappears into the back rooms with a big Dred and a short, fat Puerto Rican. I toss just enough dollar bills on stage to appear interested, and resign myself to nursing drinks and fending off hookers for the next little while. Just as I'm starting to zone out on the mix of Hennessey and vagina, the sound of a heated argument snaps me out of my reverie. It's coming from the back rooms, and one of the voices is unmistakably Cuz's. I stop myself from jumping up and running back there. Appearing too interested could be fatal at this point. I get up, toss a few more bills on the stage, and pay my bar tab.
I hug the wall as I step outside. I can see the car, and there's no one between it and me. The voices get suddenly louder ,they're outside now, on the other side of the building from me. Cuz's voice sounds less angry than before, and more like he's trying to talk his way out of some shit. I dash to the car and duck down between the driver's side door and the side of the building it's parked next to. Fuck. Of course it's locked. Good thing I was drunk. I can see through the window that I forgot to lock the passenger side door, but that's going to leave me exposed and vulnerable, and there's no WAY they won't see me for that long. Cuz is pleading now. No time. Fuck.
I run around the front of the car to stay hidden as long as possible, then I throw open the door and dive for the gun under the seat. As my hand closes over the grip of the gun, I whirl around, half expecting to die right there. Fucking unbelievable. They haven't even seen me yet. They didn't notice a big drunk white guy running around a car and grabbing a gun from inside of it. Clearly, these guys are not destined for upper management. It's almost too easy. I walk around the corner of the building, keeping to the shadows, and then step out right behind the smallest and lightest of the four thugs. It's not like in the movies. There's no dramatic sound of the hammer cocking, or witty one-liner as I step out. I pistol-whip him right in the temple, then grab him around the neck and use him as a human shield.

"Let him go."

One of the thugs goes for his waistband. I fire at his feet.

"Stand right here, and don't fucking move or I'll fucking kill you where you stand. Cuz, you OK?"

"I'm good, bro."

"Go start the car. Get it facing towards Dronningens Gade and leave my door wide open. As soon as I get in, you're gonna need to stomp it."

I hear him fumbling for his keys and opening the driver side door.

"Now, any of you three motherfuckers does anything besides stand still, I'm'a kill all of you right here. Got it?"

Nods all around.

"Good. If you try to shoot me, you WILL kill your friend here first, and I WILL kill at least one of you before you get me, whichever of you wants to be first, feel free to test me."

I begin to move. They don't even twitch. All the fight is out of them. They don't even shoot at us after I drop the unconscious one to the ground and dive into the car. We pull out of the alley onto the street, and head toward the waterfront.

"What the fuck was that all about, anyway?"

"Man, Danny called them before we got here and told them some bullshit. Malik got deported to Haiti or some shit, and the dude that's handling shit while he's gone is a real fuck. I guess he decided that he didn't have to take a white boy seriously. They were gonna just fuck me up and rob me for the cash and what I re-copped from Danny. You probably should have let it happen, bro."

"Yeah, well, I do stupid shit when I'm drunk, what can I say?"

"You're gonna have to keep a low profile the rest of the time you're here, J. Those boys will be looking for you, bro. You don't wanna get fucked up with them."

"Fuck them. And thanks for the concern, but don't worry about me. I'm not the one who was about to get shit-stomped by 3 Haitians and a Puerto Rican outside a shitty St. Thomian whorehouse."

"Naw, hey, bro, I didn't mean it like that. And thanks for saving my ass. But seriously, you don't wanna get involved."

"It looks like I already made that decision. Now let's get some beers and go to Drew's. My date is probably getting impatient. After all, I have been keeping her waiting for almost a decade."

"Shit, J, it's good to have you back, bro. I mean that."

"Yeah, yeah, save it for when I leave, Cuz. Especially if this isn't over yet. Now let's GO."


TO BE CONTINUED...