ITT: Things that are Holy About Payne

[Freeky]

33. He's dating pixie, who is also holy and awesome in every way.  They met here on the forum, which is the cutest thing on the gaddam planet

True fact.  And yeah it is. 

[Cramulus]

40. he's actually Canadian. Like Christ.

[Freeky]

He's Canadian and doesn't wear mukluks.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

53.  He killed Ben Franklin with one punch.

[Eater of Clowns]

The first letter of every word Payne will write in his life will spell out instructions for a symphony which, when conducted, will erase Tuesday.

Only Payne knows what happens if he dies on a Tuesday.

[Eater of Clowns]

The first word Payne spelled was chrysanthemum - his mother was only two weeks pregnant.

[Freeky]

Payne didn't have a mother.  He was born out of a she-bear, who taught him her gentle ways, and on the occasion when you have to eat someone, make sure to properly dispose of the bones so that the odd missing hiker is simply "missing" and not "eaten by bears/Payne."

[Don Coyote]

Payne leapt fully form from the exhaust pipe of a Yugo.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Payne is neither Welsh, nor from Seattle.

[Cramulus]

39. When Payne dreams, his holy little whiskers twitch, and his paws move like he's running.

[Eater of Clowns]

When Payne plays basketball, his shoes don't squeak on the court.  Indeed, they can't.

[Cramulus]

Payne plays football with a bowling ball.

And a garden hose.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Payne is capable of blowing his load while thinking about maggie thatcher.

This is proof of omnipotence.

[Freeky]

Payne makes it put the hose on again or else it gets the lotion.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Silence for the first 10 seconds or so, but then the powerful, thunderous farts start.  The volume of these rat-a-tat farts is incredible, along the lines of elk antlers clashing or a large tree cracking as it is felled.  There are rumors (unconfirmed) that local police have recorded these airbeefs at 103db.  Of course splattering sounds accompany these inhuman shit/air rumblings, and occasional a large volume of water/shit is heard to be splashed out on the floor.  The end of the BM is usually about a 45-second high pitch whiner fart, followed by 4 or 5 successive powershit deposits.  If you could put shit in those T-shirt cannons they use at sports arenas, and then shoot the shit into water at close range, then you could reproduce these splash sounds.  BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM.  You actually feel bad for the toilet after this.  All the while Payne sings Opera in response to exceptionally disgusting discharges.  The end of the experience is a muffled rubbing sound as Payne wipes with bath towels, and the occasional slapping sound as he swats the soiled towels against the bathroom wall, creating messes that populate Scottish lore regarding nightmare pub experiences.