The Snippet that escaped my writers block.

[Faust]

Within the head of the walking clockwork citadel fashioned in the duplicate likeness of man, armed with the visage of Richard Nixon, the last remnants of the worlds gentry dressed in finest finery recline in luxury. Sipping cocktails and spirits they recount tales of their conquests before they succeeded in bringing about the end of the world.
The atrocity lurches as it climbs the sheer face of a cliff, hand over hand, shoulders swaying with each movement, as above in blackened clouds so below the charred remains of the sea bed now haunted by lonesome wisps of vapour.

It is Sophia Sapphire's turn to regale her fellowship with a tale before drunken stupor takes grip and one by one beds beckon to all attending.

"Allow me to set the scene if you will, for to break the ice on this story too quickly, oh dear, the very shock to your hearts my darlings would shame the cold water below.
For it is on water that my tale is set, some years ago, sailing somewhere in between nowhere in particular and fondly remembered New York but the details are not important, a limbo in blue would be as adequate for on the open sea without sight of land your only points reference consist of the mood of the sea and the ship itself. Upon this ship of nearly three thousand souls, two closely guarded secrets were hidden, all but lost I am their sole keeper.
The first I share with you now, though I fear that it will shock you to your core. It is that I, Sophia Sapphire who was once amongst the fairest and most beautiful of them all, was more importantly....  a naive and tender young girl. This is a recount of a secret pleasure kept hidden until now, I share with you my sunken treasure; The story of my first and only love."

"Sophia Sapphire: The sleaze of the seven seas" Interjected Rex Mundy followed by a camarilla chorus of laughter.

"Now Rex, it is rude to interrupt a lady such as myself right at the beginning of her story"

"A Love story? Sophia you married half the worlds most powerful men and left them broken, and you had the other half tied around your little finger. Only one love? Your conquests are legendary, my own brother and my father drew blood over you."

"A reminder that you were the one that got away? Its such a shame I never got to be Mrs Mundy, I'd imagine it to be quite a thrill.
No, you've got me all wrong Rex, I did indeed mean Love, in all its fragile complicated glory, not sordid tales of sex or some pretty male bauble to string along. Debauchery can of course have its own charms too Rex, every persons bedroom manner is a snowflake; no two alike, your father had an incredible bedroom manner. No, this was something far more precious then that; I had love once upon a time. The word has weight, not to be tossed around casually.
Perhaps that concept is too much for you to take all at once so I'll stick to a setting you will be more familiar with.

A man walks into a bar, finds the girl of his dreams and says "Can I buy you a drink?", she says "Sure thing sugar".
She takes a drag of her cigarette  looks him up and down studying him; dusty black hair, slightly on the gaunt side, she asks "what do you do?"

He gives her a vacant fleeting smile and responds "I'm a magician, I make people disappear, Its a smoke and mirrors deal"

"Oh dear that trite old scene, so are you here for business or pleasure?"

"I've always had trouble distinguishing between the two, it's all just one big game on some level, don't you agree?", she sits silently, inscrutable. He gestures and the barman pours the pair shots in small frosted glasses.

"No, I find that notion appalling, killing for pleasure makes you a crass thug. So what high act of legerdemain am I to expect, a knife in the dark?"

"I have an unfair advantage here Ms Sapphire I must confess I know a great deal about you while you may not have been aware of my existence before tonight, My name is Tiresias Winter, pleased to meet you."

"Let me think for a moment... I know you graduated with top marks from Villia Pierrefeu and from Westminster before that but not without a string controversies attached to your record. Three of your tutors were forced to resign due to undisclosed misconduct, you had quite a taste for the older gents, they should have known better then to dally with a student, or perhaps you pressured them until they relented, putting pressure seems to be something you have a knack for. A further two reported bullying and as physical threats placed upon them by your late fathers retainers in the event that they did not give you a high grade and positive character reference. Both allegations were of course dismissed as slander.
From my own investigations I discovered certain links to at least three separate art thefts that occurred during your three separate summer breaks in France.
A year ago a mutual friend we share who offered you a unique employment opportunity representing their interests. Similarly I represent the vested interests of my client. From what I've found out so far is that you seem to be a woman of incredible strength of will who always gets what she wants so I hope  my charge which for the moment is simply to pass on a message is not lost on you; "Walk away, enjoy the remainder of this trip, have some drinks and take in the nightlife, but keep out of matters that don't concern you, or it becomes me unfortunate duty to ensure you go for a cool dip off the side of the ship and don't come back."

The girl, that is to say, yours truly, for a second, just one second was taken aback, as we all know back then it was about playing the subtle game, any implication was always between the lines, I wasn't expecting such a low, vulgar threat here of all places." Sophia dispatched another martini and ran her finger around the rim of the glass. Doktor James Saturday took this repose to reflect:

"Tiresias was always like that, he never had much time for politics or diplomacy, I'd say everyone here has at least one unpleasant experience with him. So what exactly were you doing on this ship Sophia?"

Sophia placed the glass down on the floor beside the chaise longue she was stretched out across. In a most discreet motion a waiter swiftly removed and replaced the glasses contents. Sipping at it Sophia responds

"I will get to that, eventually, at my leisure, perhaps, but that is not the point James, don't forget that this story is a love story"

"You did NOT fall for Winter! The great black widow Sophia Sapphire brought low by a common thug." Rex scoffed, arms crossed, leaning up against mahogany bannister that skirted the edge of the lounge.

"While he wasn't without a certain charm, the dark and smouldering middle eastern looks that can be so perilous for naive girls certainly weren't lost on me, there was something more to him though, he seemed incredibly vulnerable and lost despite his bravado. But did I love him?...."

"It wasn't until a multitude of years later that I ever got the full story on him, one of the bastard sons of Hassan i Sabba, trained from an early age to be ruthless bloodhounds employing the most deadly training and dark arts, once speaking to one they could track your emotional scent from across a city. Tiresias was handpicked for his outstanding accomplishments to execute only the missions of highest importance by his employer"

He had irritated me with such a crass and tacky attempt at describing me, a mistake all men seem to make; Women are not to be analysed, we are to be experienced, our actions can't just be summarised in such a bland means as men seem do for each other all the time.

"That's a very big assumption to make Mr. Winter, Firstly that you have the slightest hope of overpowering me without getting a bullet between the eyes and secondly that my intentions are anything but honourable, is it impossible to see a lady enjoying herself without the company of a man, must she have some ulterior motive for being there? For your information, I never made any of my teachers do anything they didn't want to do, I might have encouraged one or two of their advances but that is perfectly normal for a girl that age, if any pressures were placed upon them it was without my influence, it was simply the machinations of my father interfering where he wasn't wanted."

He gestured towards a diamond Trifari bracelet around my arm.
"I'm glad to see the late Maria Romanov's trinkets seeing glamour and nightlife once again, a much better place for them then a museum.

[Faust]

Bump desiring criticism, even negative feedback would be a huge help.

[Placid Dingo]

On a punctuation note generally you need to alternate your speech marks for speech in speech.

"James said 'piss off' to me!" or 'James said "piss off" to me!' Either way improves readablilty. Also, don't think you need the end quotes when continuing with the one speaker, but I'm not certain.

It seems a bit overly wordy at points. 'Succeeded in bringing about the end of the world' would make a punchier sentecne end as 'brougt about the end of the world', or 'ended the world'

Personally I'd take a knife to a lot of it. She repeats a lot. We know her name, she doesn't need to repeat it. Likewise, the repetition of the 'shock you to your core' stuff. This sounds a bit over the top, but if its part of her character you can use action to show that (another character raises an eyebrow, she arches her neck as though to heighern the drama etc)

A little more show, a little less tell would be good.

"Debauchery can of course have its own charms too Rex, every persons bedroom manner is a snowflake; no two alike, your father had an incredible bedroom manner." << This is very funny, and sets a good tone, really brings out traits of both characters. I like it.

There's no mention of violence, we only know our male in the bar is a magician when she makes the killing comment, which is confusing.

"unfair advantage here Ms Sapphire I must confess I know a great deal about you" < a little too cliched here. Also, he knows his own history, she doesn't need to tell him... the other passengers might not though - so we could have her telling them.

""Let me think for a moment... As you are aware Gentlemen, I make knowing a buisiness of mine, so I could recall a few facts about this figure... I know you he graduated with top marks from Villia Pierrefeu and from Westminster before that but not without a string controversies attached to your his record. Three of your tutors were forced to resign due to undisclosed misconduct..." < Just an example.

"dark and smouldering middle eastern looks that can be so perilous for naive girls" < Show don't tell. We can get a vivid description of our man when he's FIRST introduced.

"one of the bastard sons of Hassan i Sabba, trained from an early age to be ruthless bloodhounds employing the most deadly training and dark arts, once speaking to one they could track your emotional scent from across a city. Tiresias was handpicked for his outstanding accomplishments to execute only the missions of highest importance by his employer"" < Unless this is about to become essential information REALLY quickly, leave it to later, it doesn't advance the action here.

"He had irritated me with such a crass and tacky attempt at describing me, a mistake all men seem to make; Women are not to be analysed, we are to be experienced, our actions can't just be summarised in such a bland means as men seem do for each other all the time." < Love this part! The last sentence could be more punchy though, 'as men seem content to do', etc.

"I'm glad to see the late Maria Romanov's trinkets seeing glamour and nightlife once again, a much better place for them then a museum." This is a great line, because it brings up all the other mysteries; Who is Maria Romonov, and how do they BOTH know her. Good hook.

That's me for now, hope it's helpful. I don't mean to be harsh, just trying to be thorough.

[Faust]

That's exactly what I needed thank you.
Very helpful on all fronts. The part I feel the need to defend is the over the top and largely wordy introduction, It was a deliberate choice to set the tone in an overly decedent/ornate and meandering style to match these group of people, I will be switching to others later on who will have a more spartan and less relaxed pace.

One important question I need to ask is does it draw you in, would you read more of it?

[Jasper]

It has a pace and tempo and sort of not-quite-rhyming thing going on.  Very alluring, but unexpected.  Almost like walking up to a jam session and not even noticing the music until you realize you're dancing.

It's alright.

ETA:  It started that way, at least.  Then it sort of normalized as it went along.  Still liked the middle and ending.

[Faust]

ETA:  It started that way, at least.  Then it sort of normalized as it went along.  Still liked the middle and ending.

yeah the idea is the stories this crowd tell will be set in a semi normal setting and expose more details of what happens that built their set of circumstances.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

"... once speaking to one they could track your emotional scent from across a city."
^LOVED this line^

O/T query – Did you write this on paper the first time around?  I had a feeling after scrolling and reading, that I'd enjoy it more on paper – so I copypasted and printed.  Subjective, but the rhythm of the thing (and their 'ornate' speech) went from interesting to a complete pleasure once I had it in my hands.

Also, 
"She takes a drag of her cigarette  looks him up and down studying him; dusty blond hair, slightly on the gaunt side, she asks "what do you do?"
"While he wasn't without a certain charm, the dark and smouldering middle eastern looks that can be so perilous for naive girls certainly weren't lost on me..."
- These are both Tiresias?

One important question I need to ask is does it draw you in, would you read more of it?

Both.  The first for the same reason Sigmatic said, and the second (as Dingo said) because you leave off with questions.  Another example - What's the atrocity coming up the cliff face (and will it eat Rex or the waiter first)?

[Jasper]

The first line or so especially is what I'm talking about:

Within the head of the walking clockwork citadel fashioned in the duplicate likeness of man, armed with the visage of Richard Nixon, the last remnants of the worlds gentry dressed in finest finery recline in luxury.

THAT, fellow PD'ers, is WRITING. 

That took me by the hand and SWUNG me. 

[Brotep]

^haha, hell yeah


I like this, and its dreamlike character (especially because I once had a dream in which there were people watching everything through the eyes of a gigantic likeness of Richard Nixon's head). However, sometimes a piece so charms its author during the writing process that it leads to overly repetitious language.

There's nothing wrong with some repetition, but as with chess--let everything you do accomplish at least one of your aims, preferably at least two. Stephen King's advice applies: finish the piece while it's fresh in your mind, then stuff it in a desk, forget about it, and revise it later on when its effect on you has worn off.

I would read more for sure, it just needs some detached polishing.

O/T query – Did you write this on paper the first time around?  I had a feeling after scrolling and reading, that I'd enjoy it more on paper – so I copypasted and printed.  Subjective, but the rhythm of the thing (and their 'ornate' speech) went from interesting to a complete pleasure once I had it in my hands.

:theoryfap:

What's the atrocity coming up the cliff face (and will it eat Rex or the waiter first)?

Thought that was the walking clockwork citadel in the shape of a man.

[Faust]

"... once speaking to one they could track your emotional scent from across a city."
^LOVED this line^

O/T query – Did you write this on paper the first time around?  I had a feeling after scrolling and reading, that I'd enjoy it more on paper – so I copypasted and printed.  Subjective, but the rhythm of the thing (and their 'ornate' speech) went from interesting to a complete pleasure once I had it in my hands.

Also,  
"She takes a drag of her cigarette  looks him up and down studying him; dusty blond hair, slightly on the gaunt side, she asks "what do you do?"
"While he wasn't without a certain charm, the dark and smouldering middle eastern looks that can be so perilous for naive girls certainly weren't lost on me..."
- These are both Tiresias?

That was an inconsistency that occurred after a month long gap.

O/T query – Did you write this on paper the first time around?  I had a feeling after scrolling and reading, that I'd enjoy it more on paper – so I copypasted and printed.  Subjective, but the rhythm of the thing (and their 'ornate' speech) went from interesting to a complete pleasure once I had it in my hands.

Nah, word processor, I'm trying to get used to the idea of using a wp more.

[Placid Dingo]

Personally i think it becomes engaging after halfway, but I think when it's tighter it'll be more engaging.

I don't like the ornate language right at the start. I like to see an opening with more of a hook, before getting into the more flowery language. But Sig's already defended that bit, so it might just be a personal taste issue.

I don't like that build up of the story at ther start, the 'it'll shock you' stuff,

But the little mysteries we pick up (who is the guy, how do they connect, who is the love interest etc) do a good job.

[Hoser McRhizzy]

What's the atrocity coming up the cliff face (and will it eat Rex or the waiter first)?

Thought that was the walking clockwork citadel in the shape of a man.

Yup.  And the people are in its head.  I don't do funny on the internet very well.  Hell, wouldn't have been funny outloud either.  Sometimes a joke is just. that. bad.  This is one of those times (and the wrong place for it too, now that I think of it - apologies to faust).

Really like your chess analogy, btw.  I'm going to keep it in mind the next editing gig i get.


Dingo - I think you're right and it is a personal taste thing.  I didn't find the opening flowery at all.  The first 4 sentences were elegant, precise and the reason I kept reading.  Though I agree about the little mysteries.

"She takes a drag of her cigarette  looks him up and down studying him; dusty blond hair, slightly on the gaunt side, she asks "what do you do?"
"While he wasn't without a certain charm, the dark and smouldering middle eastern looks that can be so perilous for naive girls certainly weren't lost on me..."
- These are both Tiresias?

That was an inconsistency that occurred after a month long gap.

That explains it!  Here's hoping your smouldering man stays gaunt (selfish reason: I have a lovely picture in my mind of this man).

Congratulations on Sophia.  This:
"Perhaps that concept is too much for you to take all at once so I'll stick to a setting you will be more familiar with.

A man walks into a bar, finds the girl of his dreams and says "Can I buy you a drink?", she says "Sure thing sugar".
- is 100% pure diva holding court.

[Faust]

So I've been chipping away at this again. Haven't added much but I think I want to post this here because it might get me to focus on it again.

I've retouched several pieces and removed/added other things.

I've been pondering the anecdote to use to begin the group conversation, the trouble I am having is I want what's said in the group conversation to match thematically with is going on, I cant go into it too much because I want to keep certain details to myself Anyway if anyone is still interested:

[Faust]

Within the head of the walking clockwork citadel fashioned in the duplicate likeness of man, armed with the visage of Richard Nixon, the last remnants of the worlds gentry dressed in finest finery recline in luxury. Sipping cocktails and spirits they recount tales of their conquests before they succeeded in bringing about the end of the world.
The atrocity lurches as it climbs the sheer face of a cliff, hand over hand, shoulders swaying with each movement, as above in blackened clouds so below the charred remains of the sea bed now haunted by lonesome wisps of vapour.

It is Sophia Sapphire's turn to regale her fellowship with a tale before drunken stupor takes grip and one by one beds beckon to all attending.

'Allow me to set the scene if you will, for to break the ice on this story too quickly, oh dear, the very shock to your hearts my darlings would shame the cold water below.
For it is on water that my tale is set, sailing somewhere in between nowhere in particular and fondly remembered New York but the details are not important, a limbo in blue would be as adequate for on the open sea without sight of land your only points reference consist of the mood of the sea and the ship itself. Upon this ship of nearly three thousand souls, two closely guarded secrets were hidden, all but lost I am their sole keeper.
The first I share with you now, though I fear that it will shock you to your core. It is that I, Sophia who was once amongst the fairest and most beautiful of our generation was more importantly....  A naive and tender young girl. This is a recount of a secret pleasure kept hidden until now, I share with you my sunken treasure; The story of my first and only love.'

'Sophia Sapphire: The sleaze of the seven seas' Interjected Rex Mundy followed by a camarilla chorus of laughter.

'It is rude to interrupt a lady Rex, right at the beginning of her story'

'A Love story? Sophia you married half the worlds most powerful men and left them broken, and the other half were tied around your little finger. Only one love? Your conquests are legendary, my own brother and my father drew blood over you.'

'Must you remind me that you were the one that got away? Alas I regret that I never got to be a Mrs Mundy, I'd imagine it to be quite a thrill.
No, you've got me all wrong Rex, I do indeed mean Love in all its fragile incomprehensible glory, no such sordid tales of sex or a gorgeous Beau bauble to string along. Debauchery in its own way can have its own charms too Rex, every single persons bedroom manner is a snowflake; no two alike, your father had an incredible bedroom manner, enough to make a girl weak at the knees...  This however was something far more precious then that; I had love once upon a time. Love is a word has weight, it must not be tossed around casually.
Perhaps that concept is too much for you to take all at once so I'll stick to a setting you will be more familiar with.

A man walks into a bar, finds the girl of his dreams and says "Can I buy you a drink?", she says "Sure thing sugar".
She takes a drag of her cigarette  looks him up and down studying him; dark and tanned, slightly on the scrawny side but with thick fingers crowned with dirty crescent nails straddle the bar counter, a telling sign of physical labour sparsely seen amongst current company, caressing them she remarks "what do you do?"

He offers a vacant fleeting smile and responds "I'm a magician, I make people disappear... They don't come back."

"How sad, there's none more negative then a death broker, indulge my curiosity, are you are here for business or pleasure?"

"I've always had trouble distinguishing between the two, everything is a game on some level. Wouldn't you agree?"
She sits silent, inscrutable. He gestures and the barman pours the pair shots in small frosted glasses, All about them a dull drum beats, coloured lights cast hysterical dancing shadows, as overblown and insubstantial as the people casting them. A couple kiss in seclusion, laughter erupts from a crowd in a corner, tears stream from a girls face as she flees discarding drops that cool upon the floor and are forgotten.

"I find the notion tedious, violence for pleasure makes you crass at best, a toxic mind at worst. Surely there are more stimulating pursuits to be had. What kind of mystic act am I to expect? You look like you could put in quite the performance,  Could you show me your signature trick?

"Maybe I will one day, it's the knife in the dark." She pulls her hand away.

"You are a pretty little thing, but you are rapidly losing your appeal, impress this girl or hit the road Jack."

"Allow me if you will to amaze you with an act of mind reading. Your name is Sophia Sapphire, I'm Tiresias Winter, pleased to meet you.
I must confess I have come to know a great deal about you."  He rolled each finger in a ridiculous wheels on either temple, his eyes closed.

"I recall you graduated with top marks from the Institut Villia Pierrefeu the finishing school and from Westminster before that but not without a string controversies haunting your record.
Three of your tutors resigned, forcibly by some accounts, due to some undisclosed professional misconduct involving you. Personally I'd say you probably had a taste for older gents. What I cannot seem to find out is if they fell for you of their own accord or were they pressured them until they relented.
From what I've heard putting pressure on just the right spots seems to be a talent of yours. A further two professors reported bullying and physical threats courtesy of your late fathers retainers in the event that they did not give you a high grade and positive character reference. Both matters were quickly dropped and any references hushed up. Its been quite difficult getting to know you, but certain things stick out as very intriguing.
In my investigations I managed to exhume links to at least three separate art thefts that occurred very much coincidentally during your three separate summer escapades in Paris.

I've done my divining act, The Wheel, The Chariot and The Empress are yet to come, let me lay my cards upon the table. A year ago a mutual friend offered you a unique employment opportunity representing their interests. Similarly I represent the vested interests of my client.
All accounts make you out to be an incredible woman so I hope my charge which for the moment is simply to pass on a warning is not lost on you; "Walk away, enjoy the remainder of this trip, have some drinks and take in the ambiance, but stay out of matters that don't concern you, or it becomes me unfortunate duty to ensure you go for a cool dip overboard with a cut throat."

The girl, that is to say, yours truly, for a second, just one second was taken aback, I mean obviously violence is a part of our way of life but as we all know, back then it was about playing the subtle game, any implication was always between the lines, I wasn't expecting such a low, vulgar threat there of all places.'

Not only had he the audacity to threaten my life, worse still he infuriated me with such a crass and tacky attempt at describing me, a mistake all men seem to make; Women are not to be analysed, we are to be experienced, our actions can't just be summarised in such bland methods as men seem incapable of exceeding.

"Firstly, and ever so entertaining is the assumption that you have the slightest possibility of overpowering me without getting a bullet between the eyes. Secondly that my intentions aboard are anything but innocent, is it impossible to see a lady enjoying herself without the company of a man, must she have some ulterior motive for being there?  
As to my scandalous teenage years, I never made anyone do anything they didn't want to do, I might have encouraged an advance here or there however that is perfectly normal for a girl that age. If anyone was bullied about grades it was without my influence, it was simply the machinations of a father interfering where he wasn't wanted."

He made a glancing gesture towards a diamond bracelet around my arm.
"I'm glad to see the late Alexandra Romanov's trinkets seeing glamour and nightlife once again, a much better place for them then some stuffy Russian museum."

She saunters in behind him, heads gently turn from all sections of the bar to spy a look at her. Porcelain skin touched only by a pale blush upon her cheeks. Every vivid grace was a treasure,  gentle rosy sunset lips and emerald eyes sparkling with life below ebony hair. Flaunting her figure before the nightlife, wrapped in a black and white striped dress she looked like a woman straight out of a painting of Patrick Nagel's; striking, powerful.  

She slips her fingers gently across his ears and slides them in in front of his eyes.

"Hello Coco" A grudging tone bearing betrays some sort of bitter history between the two.

"Mon chérie no, it is the paparazzi here to rip out your secrets and smear them across the world. My Ty how did you know it was me?"

"I watched you as you approached, reflected in my glass."

"Spoilsport."

Perhaps you are wondering how I would ever entertain another leading female starlet in one of my stories. Well this wasn't another woman, this was The Woman. My mentor, travelling companion and closest friend, Coco Caravello, a legend in her own right, had she not rescued me from a life of privilege I would have died the slow death of boredom as just another tycoons spoiled daughter.
She had liberated me from the restrictive workings of aristocracy that can so often leave a girl powerless, and shown me how to direct the flow of events, to master and tame and enjoy it, to feel the joy of inspiring whatever notions I desired in the hearts and minds of those around me and watch them bear fruit.

She moved her hands gently down upon his shoulders, they were soft and bore thin nails with vivid pink skin below them.

"I hope you're up for dancing this evening Sophie."

"But of course my dear, however I trust he wont be joining us, what darkness did you dredge him out from?"

"He's not worth talking about, just another Leo with an over inflated ego; All those that love him make him strong, completely incapable of taking criticism,  bad company and shit in bed too." Wincing he turns to face her, opening his mouth to speak but Coco steals the opportunity.

"Vamoose Ty, I want to speak to my friend." Dejected and conceding defeat Tiresias parts company with a mock humble bow and a slight wave of his had.

"That was fabulous, not a moment ago that man threatened me and you dismiss him off just like that, what kind of dirt have you on him darling?"

"Forget him.... There's plenty to do tonight, we cannot be wasting time on the likes of him. Besides this is a great opportunity for us to have some fun, when was the last time we got to spend some quality time together?"

"I recall an Persian reunion cut short when the local constabulary took notice of us, they looked so dashing in their little uniforms and disapproving frowns. We didn't get to hang out for all that long but I still had a blast. I love Dubai it has all the vigour that is missing from the western world and enough of the sordid sensual instant gratification one would miss. The people were raw and passionate, do you remember Elizabeth Danton the opium queen?"

"But of course, the accursed liz tried to sell me into slavery after an argument, had a sharp sense of humour, sharp as a knife between the ribs."

"She has moved to The States, dropped the dope trade and opened a range of the most stylish nightclubs around, says she doesn't need the stresses of the dope running lifestyle any more. We will have to visit her after we are done here. Truth be told, the tough old bitch would have given the local dealers stiff competition if she hadn't retired.
Despite turning a new leaf she must keep her cooks busy because she sent me a small token of her appreciation for removing her troublesome brother" I placed a small stoppered jar of powder on the counter.

"A concoction of nose candy she created, specifically for loosening tongues, she tells me it creates a blissful delirium, inspiring forgetfulness and soothing aggressions but the real marvel of this toy is it increases the sexual potency in a boy so they aren't a completely lacklustre fuck while under its influence, it can even be mixed with alcohol and most other substances without any danger of death."

"Sophie, I assume it is safe to say this snake oil comes with a caveat."

"She didn't say but knowing Ms Danton the concoction probably turns their hair green."

"It sounds like fun but don't try experimenting with it tonight, I'd rather not have surprises when we can't make a quick exit."

"Agreed, so pray tell what chicanery kept you from stopping by for a visit?"

"Work. I know this will come as a shock to you but some of us have a sense of duty and tend to do more then a grudging one or two weeks a year while maintaining a life of leisure."

"You wound me, so the job, was he anything interesting or fanciful?"

"Nothing of the sort. He was a horrendous little creep, imagined himself to be a self styled supervillian, in reality he was just another asshole with an agenda."

"Oh, playing the world security game again? Being paired up with an evil genius is the pits."

"Heaven's no, I just don't like to play favourites when taking contracts, every so often I might take a job of "utmost importance to national security" for MI5 or the yanks, just so they don't get their nose out of joint should I take the odd Russian or Chinese job.
This sleaze saw himself as the second coming, had the full plethora of neuroses going for him, he saw himself as gods gift to women which made it a very easy job.
All I had to do was act swept up in awe of his personality and make him think he was the only one who cold protect me from a harsh and misunderstanding world. I had to pretend to listen to him waffle on, proselytising about how if "men of true genius and vision" would not be accepted as the worlds "guiding light" it would be better off destroyed. He wouldn't have been so insufferable if he actually had some skills in the bedroom and could keep himself from pawing at me me all the time."

"Yuck." Coco eyed up the drink on the counter before taking a small sip from it, followed by sticking her tongue out in disgust.

"Yuck is right. I locked him in his death trapped bathroom and emptied his bank accounts into mine, but the sex barely made it worthwhile. I've done one or two of these jobs before and some of these "Idealists" were terrific lays, it's the ones who want to blow up the world you have to avoid. But as the Mata Hari did say on her dying breath "Warlords are selfish lovers".

"Well this job should perk you up, its been a while since we had a good plunder together".

"Its not as fun as it sounds, the targets of the mission is industrial espionage, the payload is just some boring jars from a marine lab on the lower decks, however security is a pain down there so its not just a case of snatch and run, someone has to let us in. We have multiple options on that front though. The mark I'm going to have you working over tonight is the ships manager Adam, he is in charge of the ships overall entertainments, day to day business and most importantly ship security. In short he is one of the few people with access to what we need. He might pose a bit of a challenge for you though, his wife Evelyn is here with him."

"You clearly underestimate my abilities."

"It will be good practice for you. My target is the wealth behind operations, a colonel permanently stationed to the ship to ensure that uncle Sam's moola is spent correctly."

"I find it hard to believe that a colonel would be a fixture of a cruise ship, is there something you're not telling me Coco"

"It's probably nothing to get worried about. Officially he has been retired for years,  he's probably the workhorse type who refuses to relax and gets pawned off on a quiet job, the fact that the military is involved probably means you should be careful with whatever's in those jars, I'm sure you can be gentle enough not to blow your hand off."

"Is there anything else I should know about these two?"

"Your boy Adam is our way in here, I've had to pry information out of him in the past so I know he's a pushover, he lit up when I told him I'd be coming by and bringing a friend."

"Did you pick up any tips for me?"

" Just let him keep drinking and he will do all the work for you."

"Are you ready?"

We moved like roman legionaries, in full splendour, adorned in our battle garb, the anticipation of conquest shining from our faces, proud and powerful. Hesitant glances graze us thrown from gazelle in fear of a predator on the prowl.

Silently we sauntered over to a group sitting in a nook of leather couches.

"Well hello, Coco Its good to see you again," He's sickeningly smug, blond and attractive, but a little overweight, he obviously wasn't a very physical man but kept himself immaculately groomed, deeply vain, too much time on his hands to feed his indulgences.

"Hello Adam, its good to see you again and this must be your little woman"

"Eveline, pleased to meet you ms Caravello, I've heard so much about you from Adam, he has spoken often and kindly of you", This woman seemed somewhat naive, very warmhearted smiling at us like a schmuck, blissfully unaware that a superior predator was in her presence.

"I hope he hasn't told you anything too scandalous about me" Coco says, resting her hand on his shoulder, a fleeting laugh is shared, but I can see the seeds of confusion taking hold on Eveline's face, but she shrugs it off.
Introductions are made as I tested the waters with this whole bunch, sitting beside Eveline was a friend of hers who Coco obviously had mentioned, an aspiring painter from Boston, he was a very quiet and reserved boy, nervous even of all our company, I recall writing him off as insignificant as soon as I had seen him.
Deeper still into the nook was the marine biologist Johanna Dee, a very perplexing woman, widowed and strong willed, saying few words, each measured out exactly as if they were dissecting tools. I could tell she was incredibly bored with our company and was simply here out of some unknown duty or perhaps just to be seen.
Past her sat the colonel, something was amiss between the two, each sat facing others almost back to back a cold divide separating them,
The colonel was brutish, with cold and cruel little eyes his face almost in a constant sneer.
I found myself thinking something was amiss; between his unpleasant demur and Johanna's inscrutable cold austere the pair made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. But for whatever veiled tension existed between the two their detest for Adam was plainly visible on their faces. I realised I was sitting in the company of a powder keg of people who hated each other very thoroughly but were stuck with each other for reasons I could not yet deduce.

[Triple Zero]

I forget, did you tell me about writing this when we were in Amsterdam? Maybe I'm confused but there's a blip in my memory going off. Anyway, the excerpts from the people that gave feedback made me want to read the whole thing. The second version, of course. But, not right now.