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INTEROFFICE MEMO: attn Mangrove

Started by hooplala, November 19, 2012, 05:31:46 PM

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hooplala

4661:BYOB63:44
November 21(?) 2012


SSOOKN Interoffice Memo

TO:  MANGROVE
       SSOOKN Chief Clinical Sub-Director of Directions

CC:  LMNO
       SSOOKN System Operating Director

FROM:  HOOPLA
           SSOOKN Institute of Apathy


SUBJECT:  Operations Status Update



I made the date listed above up, I've long since ceased caring how the official Discordian Dating System works, if you think I even bothered to look at the SSOOKN manual, well, your optimism amuses me. 

Did I make it clear on my admission interview that irony annoyed me?  I think I did.  As the head of the Institute of Apathy it was my understanding that my duties would be minimal; this has been far from the case - particularly as of late.  As you are well aware, the Apathy Institute was flooded with a sea of young women this past summer after the news of the scandal between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison reached its high-water mark - if I hadn't been tossing each application into a folder I never planned to look at ever again I'm really not certain how I would have kept up with the influx.  It took me weeks to ignore the Clearasil in the carpet enough to be able to get back to my regular shiftlessness and general ennui - unacceptable, as you can well imagine.  Well further imagine this: just as things were returning to their former state of inaction and listlessness, this brou-ha-ha between Disney and George Lucas erupts. Jesus hopped-up Christ on a unicycle.  Fortunately I thought to lock the doors before those hoards came banging on the doors - and now this TWINKIE NONSENSE?  Mangrove, I need more men.  Or women.  Or children.  Or seeing eye ponies, I don't give a shit, but I cannot handle all this apathy on my own - I don't care enough.

PLEASE SEND REINFORCEMENTS BEFORE DECEMBER 21 2012 DOESN'T HAPPEN.  People will snap.  I am not shitting you.

-HOOPLA
SSOOKN Institute of Apathy
"Soon all of us will have special names" — Professor Brian O'Blivion

"Now's not the time to get silly, so wear your big boots and jump on the garbage clowns." — Bob Dylan?

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
— Walt Whitman

Mangrove

Quote from: Hoopla on November 19, 2012, 05:31:46 PM
4661:BYOB63:44
November 21(?) 2012


SSOOKN Interoffice Memo

TO:  MANGROVE
       SSOOKN Chief Clinical Sub-Director of Directions

CC:  LMNO
       SSOOKN System Operating Director

FROM:  HOOPLA
           SSOOKN Institute of Apathy


SUBJECT:  Operations Status Update



I made the date listed above up, I've long since ceased caring how the official Discordian Dating System works, if you think I even bothered to look at the SSOOKN manual, well, your optimism amuses me. 

Did I make it clear on my admission interview that irony annoyed me?  I think I did.  As the head of the Institute of Apathy it was my understanding that my duties would be minimal; this has been far from the case - particularly as of late.  As you are well aware, the Apathy Institute was flooded with a sea of young women this past summer after the news of the scandal between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison reached its high-water mark - if I hadn't been tossing each application into a folder I never planned to look at ever again I'm really not certain how I would have kept up with the influx.  It took me weeks to ignore the Clearasil in the carpet enough to be able to get back to my regular shiftlessness and general ennui - unacceptable, as you can well imagine.  Well further imagine this: just as things were returning to their former state of inaction and listlessness, this brou-ha-ha between Disney and George Lucas erupts. Jesus hopped-up Christ on a unicycle.  Fortunately I thought to lock the doors before those hoards came banging on the doors - and now this TWINKIE NONSENSE?  Mangrove, I need more men.  Or women.  Or children.  Or seeing eye ponies, I don't give a shit, but I cannot handle all this apathy on my own - I don't care enough.

PLEASE SEND REINFORCEMENTS BEFORE DECEMBER 21 2012 DOESN'T HAPPEN.  People will snap.  I am not shitting you.

-HOOPLA
SSOOKN Institute of Apathy

AUTOMATED RESPONSE
Hello caller/writer/dearest/facebooker/tweeter/tweaker etc (delete as appropriate)

Thank you for your interest in OtzCorp, the Internet's leading supplier of phony Qabbalah based solutions to life's mundane mysteries. Please note, your correspondence may be monitored for training purposes or perhaps even really creepy purposes. Still, you can worry about that when you get to the user survey section.

Your query has been forwarded to a team of Analysis Scrids. Unfortunately, they come under the jurisdiction of the SSOOKN Institute of Apathy which means, when you can be bothered, you must motivate them to answer your own question. Formerly, the Analysis Scrids were headed up by some two bit, fly by night company based in Scotland. Originally, we planned to off shore the jobs to Asia, but not only are Scrids hard, intelligent workers, they are also delicious.

Anyway, that's by the by and nothing for you to concern yourself with. To address your points:

a) I'm glad my optimism amuses you. You know what amuses me? Ziggy cartoons. That aside, the SSOOKN manual is sorely out of date, incomplete, incoherent and probably incontinent too. Thus, it is the perfect religious scripture of the future.

b) I am sorry your work load has increased. Blame Obama. It's not his fault, it's mine, but why give up a good thing? You are not working harder because of the slow, inevitable wheels of stealthy Communist tyranny.You're working harder because I'm a dick.

c) Kristen Stewart is a gift to your department. If she can't be arsed to have more than one facial expression, I am at a loss to understand why you can't make better use of her in the Apathy Division.

d) Flooded by a sea of young women?. Is this like binders of women or something else?

e)  The Disney/Lucas hook up is perfect and here's why. The studios will produce more Star Wars movies, each more terrible than the last. The die-hard fans will wail, moan, gnash their teeth and rend their Cosplay garments....but they will still see these movies. And they will buy these movies when they are released on DVD even though they suck. They will buy the computer games made from these movies and most important of all, they will eat at restaurants with merchandising tie ins. What kind of restaurants? Why ones that sell deeply toxic, nutrition less GARBAGE of course! And then they will get fat and sluggish and BOOYA...APATHY RESTORED.

f) Twinkies. Hmmmm........twinkies.

g) I've spoken to our staffing manager. She said she will loan you the inter departmental Beagle but only for a couple of days (week max) and on the provision that said Beagle gets a Kong toy filled with dog yogurt and gets to stay up late to watch Letterman. That's the best I can do with this budget, take it or leave it. It's not that we're short of money, it's that I've filed for bankruptcy but still want a really big Xmas bonus.

In the unlikely event you can find LMNO because he's still bitching about that 'witness protection' and 'in mortal danger' nonsense, please inform him that he's not collected his pay checks since 2006. Also, see if he still has my weed whacker.

In the likely event that you will run into future problems, please read 'The Secret' and ask the Universe(tm) to give you everything you so richly deserve.

Ciao baby,

Mangrove



What makes it so? Making it so is what makes it so.

Suu

Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."