ITT I make LMNO cry

[Cain]

Punk Rock started in the late 1990's with the help of forefathers xblink-182x, writing the first popular punk song, "Funky Cold Medina", which is still known as the most punk song ever written. However, it should be noted that the aforementioned have little to do with punk proper, and everything to do with stupid fucking white middle-class American fuckwits getting "punk'd" by fat, kiddy-fucking record executives who are far, far more intelligent and malign than the little cock wipes who are buying this shit will ever be.

With said help from MTV, punk has become a larger movement in recent years, reaching out to angst-filled white teenagers who hate their parents. Punk is also sometimes accompanied by music. Music however is secondary to the true punk, as going to shows and looking cool has now taken a front seat in the punk rock lifestyle, a lifestyle which revolves around speaking out about how you hate the corporate pigs and just want to be different and rebel, whilst in the process looking like a bigger dick and buying all your super expensive dick head clothes from the same corporations who you cry about when they fuck you up the arse.

Oh, and some shit happened in the 70's, but that's not really important.


Some shitty bubble gum, super dooper, mister pooper punk bands that suck flaming dog balls are My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy and Limp Bizkit, among others. Some of the most totally RADDEST anarchist punk bands (back from when punk was young and full of life and it wasn't a bunch of dipshits screaming and trying to look tough for their extremely gay, gay lovers who are oh-so gay.) are The Clash, The Ramones, Crass, Mindless Self Indulgence(lol wut?), The Sex Pistols, the BNP, Combat 18, Sex Shotgun, Super Sex Bazooka, and so forth. They would write songs about shitting your pants, drinking too much, and doing inappropriate amounts of drugs during the teenage pregnancy you received in your daze of idol worship. But then they all died over 100 years ago in a horrific tragedy when a grocery store crushed them and their guts popped out of their eyes like anarchists. Underground bands such as Dead Kennedys and Operation Ivy however, dont know how to play their instruments and don't deserve as much recognition as musical gods like Sum 41.

Some people might tell you that bands like Green Day, Good Charlotte, Avril Lavigne and Blink 182 aren't punk. These people are horribly mislead, because everybody knows that true punk involves being a puppet for a major record label that will use you to sell anything but music.

For some reason, punks now are almost all Communist or anarchist. Despite this, they like to copy the Sex Pistols and wear Nazi armbands to look "risqué" and are nearly all middle class. Punks are also against W, but unlike everyone else can be found making death threats toward him (or anyone else with a hint of right-wing or centrist beliefs) at regular intervals, since by buying the CDs of companies who finance Bush's government punks like to believe they really make a difference.


Some argue that punk is the greatest troll in music history ever, as it has inspired outrage among the humorless, created a subculture whose members (even the elite ones) are pretty much laughed at IRL, caused 16 year old girls and 13 year old boys to rebel against The Man by spending over $900 on pieces of shit from Hot Topic a.k.a The Man (see Irony) and made it really hard to take rock and roll seriously

Being punk in our modern era constitutes a great number of actions. These actions include, in random order:

   1. Proclaiming the immaculate glory of fucktard bands such as the Misfits (from that cartoon, Jem!) and Rancid, despite having an i-pod filled with gay ass bands such as Blink 182, Boxcar Racer (the bastard stepchild of Blink 182's Tom Delonge) and Good Charlotte and Angels and Airwaves [which is blink 182 undercover]
   2. Masturbating to Iggy Pop with furries.
   3. Dying your hair and preening in front of the mirror for hours so that it looks perfect, while loudly proclaiming to everyone that you don't care what other people think of you.
   4. Demand rights from a government you seek to destroy.
   5. Wear concert tees of concerts you never went to.
   6. Go around making anti-Avril Lavigne websites and drawings on the basis that "OMG SHES SUCH A POSER!!1111" and then proclaim your love for My Chemical Romance.
   7. Find another punk a year younger than you and berate them endlessly for 'jumping on the bandwagon'.
   8. And from a true punk: "punks just wear ties. it doesn't matter what gender you are"
   9. Oh screw it. Just follow the crowds and do everything the other punks do.
  10. Dress like your normal friends most of the time but put on special clothes to proclaim how punk you are at gigs and shortening your name to just the first letter, eg. Jordan becomes J
  11. ????
  12. PROFIT!!


Life cycle of a Punk

   1. Poser: This punker may have just found Blink 182 on MTV, or may have just learned about his first less famous punk band from the internets. A punk in this stage will reveal himself by speaking constantly of the same three punk groups, Hot Topic, and what color his hair is this week.
   2. Punk Rocker: After so long floundering as a poser, the punk begins to understand. Teh government is evil. Anarchy is the way of the future. Down with government! These punkers know of at least five local punk outfits and dozens of hardcore big-name acts.
   3. Intelligent Punk: Overexposure to an anarchist point of view compels a long-term punk rocker with the notion that anarchy is best executed through communism. Reasonably speaking, every nation on earth needs the largest possible government to enforce the banishment of all government. Intelligent Punks preach Marxism and fiery indignation toward whoever Michael Moore filmed his last documentary about. Many ebay their leather jackets and turn vegan at this stage. Their selection of music more closely resemebles the college radio charts found in Rolling Stone magazine.
   4. Yuppie: After failing to abort at least one child, many punkers put the college education that daddy paid for to good use. They find work for a big company that lets them listen to anti-corporate punk rock on their iPods. Their lifetime of political ideology can be summed up in the single pro-Democrat or anti-W bumper sticker which their homeowner's assocation allows on each minivan or SUV. These punkers speak fondly of the Ramones in an attempt to remain non-offensive, and follow their children to Simple Plan concerts on the weekends.

[LMNO]

I was doing ok, holding back the tears, until:

4. Yuppie: After failing to abort at least one child, many punkers put the college education that daddy paid for to good use. They find work for a big company that lets them listen to anti-corporate punk rock on their iPods. Their lifetime of political ideology can be summed up in the single pro-Democrat or anti-W bumper sticker which their homeowner's assocation allows on each minivan or SUV. These punkers speak fondly of the Ramones in an attempt to remain non-offensive, and follow their children to Simple Plan concerts on the weekends.

Also:

Oh, and some shit happened in the 70's, but that's not really important.

[AFK]

 

[Cain]

stfu guys, I'm listening to Funky Cold Medina and no-one can convince me its the most PUNK RAWK SONG EPHAR!

[AFK]

pfft, everyone knows the Goo Goo Dolls are moar PUNK!

[LMNO]

You know what's sad?


The Goo Goo Dolls actually used to be a punk band.


True story.

[That One Guy]

Cain, that was masterful. I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats^tm!

[AFK]

You know what's sad?


The Goo Goo Dolls actually used to be a punk band.


True story.

I know.  I used them as an example because I'm a bitter ex-GGD fan.  In fact, I still remember this review of "A Boy Named Goo" in RIP magazine (heh, appropriate name that was).  Anyway, the reviewer at the end said something like, "and The Goos show no sign of selling out."  pfft.  I bet that tard is picking the Jags this weekend. 

[East Coast Hustle]

I'm picking the Jags this weekend.

[LMNO]

It's Taylor and Jones-Drew, isn't it?


Or do the chance they'll win make better odds?

[Cain]

  Anyway, the reviewer at the end said something like, "and The Goos show no sign of selling out."  pfft.  I bet that tard is buying a Jag this weekend. 

Fixed for complete and utter lack of ability of music review magazines to punish people who are totally wrong.

[AFK]

well RIP pwned themselves by focusing too much on the Hair Metal scene.  They tried to transition to the grunge scene, but no dice. 

[Darth Cupcake]

I laughed, I cried, I shivered as the cold hand of reality fondled the back of my neck.

Egad.

[Random Probability]

meh.

I still don't get the whole hot topic thing.  We used to just get a pack of the cheapest plain white t-shirts from Kmart and attack them with Marksalot pens with random band names or whatever. (it didn't matter since it was unheard of for a shirt to survive more than ten minutes in the pit).

I miss Jodie Foster's Army, Fang, the Morlocks, MAD, Reagan Youth, GBH, and all the rest...

[Penumbral]

Overexposure to an anarchist point of view compels a long-term punk rocker with the notion that anarchy is best executed through communism.