Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)

[rong]

my ground is non-zero. That's why it hurts to walk

those were great - but please to explain this one?

[Zenpeanut]

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 raped 6 and made him promise not to tell.

[Requia ☣]

Cain: Where the fuck did you get the Nate & Lever joke?

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Bump.

[-Kel-]

skeleton walks into a bar
orders a beer and a mop.


WonkWonk.

Yonk!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.


Q:  Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs?
A:  They don't commute

These are fucking hilarious!

[Vene]

Good lord Idem, how did I miss that post?

[AFK]

Trekkie Geek #1 "Hey, have you heard the rumor about Brent Spiner being gay?"

Trekkie Geek #2 "No.  But that would explain why he is advertising a Data entry position." 

[Apikoros II]

I am so glad I came back..... Not only do I Love bad Jokes... I know Millions:

1. What is the difference between Natasha Richardson and Natasha Richardson jokes? Natasha Richardson jokes will grow old. (I originally heard the joke as Eric Clapton's son... Insert your fave dead celebrity and it keeps working!)

2. What's brown and found in kid's pants? Michael Jackson's Hand

3. This Priest and kid are walking deep into the woods. It keeps getting deeper and darker, and they keep going further inside. Finally, the kid says, "Father, I'm scared" The priest replies "Think about me, I gotta walk out of here alone!"

4. This Priest and Rabbi are talking and a little boy walks past. The priest says, "Let's Screw Him!" and the Rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

5. What's better then winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded

6. These 2 priests are peeing and one looks over and sees the second priest has Nicotine patches all over his penis. He says, "Say, is that working for you?" and the second priest replies, "Yah, I'm down to 2 butts a day"

Now, I am going to give you some out-dated topical humor jokes:

1. Who are the 2 most famous people shot in the head in a theater? Abe Lincoln and the guy in front of Pee-Wee Herman

2. Where are the Challenger Astronauts buried? All over Florida

3. Did you know that Christa McCauliffe had dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders

4. What's the difference between Ronald Reagan and the Apple IIE in the White House? The Apple IIE has a memory and a colon

5. What is Pee-Wee Herman's Favorite Baseball team? The Expos (Dated on SO MANY LEVELS!)

6. What's white and runs down bathroom walls? George Michael's latest release

Ahhh, Me Love JOKES!

[Richter]

This is a joke / urban legend from my hometown.  The moral and sentiment is "Well, SHIT."

The punchline:
"...and they Shot the Dog."

There's this young teenage girl who's parents are out of town for the weekend, and she has her boyfriend over to hang out.
Like any hot blooded young couple, they are taking the opportunity to do the Nasty on the couch.

It should be mentioned that this is the parent's new couch.  A new, pristine white, cloth couch. 

Oh yeah, they're doing it anal too.
As they finish up, the aforementioned abused sphincter is a bit fatigued form the vigorous action it has just endured, and there is a loss of control.
On the Couch.  On the new, pristine white, cloth couch.

Well, needless to say, the rest of the weekend involves  the young couple trying every cleaning product in existence to remove the brown staining, but nothing does the trick, this stain is not going anywhere.  The girl's parents come home, notice the stain, and ask what happened to the couch.
Our young heroine is dumbfounded.  She can't admit her carnal sins to her parents, so she stammers out the first feasible thing.
"The Dog did it."

Her parent's don't say anything to her, and don't raise any fuss.  Much to her surprise, they only put their bags away and go out to the kennel in the back yard. 
And they shot the dog.

[fomenter]

This is a joke / urban legend from my hometown.  The moral and sentiment is "Well, SHIT."

The punchline:
"...and they Shot the Dog."

There's this young teenage girl who's parents are out of town for the weekend, and she has her boyfriend over to hang out.
Like any hot blooded young couple, they are taking the opportunity to do the Nasty on the couch.

It should be mentioned that this is the parent's new couch.  A new, pristine white, cloth couch. 

Oh yeah, they're doing it anal too.
As they finish up, the aforementioned abused sphincter is a bit fatigued form the vigorous action it has just endured, and there is a loss of control.
On the Couch.  On the new, pristine white, cloth couch.

Well, needless to say, the rest of the weekend involves  the young couple trying every cleaning product in existence to remove the santorum stain, but nothing does the trick, this stain is not going anywhere.  The girl's parents come home, notice the stain, and ask what happened to the couch.
Our young heroine is dumbfounded.  She can't admit her carnal sins to her parents, so she stammers out the first feasible thing.
"The Dog did it."

Her parent's don't say anything to her, and don't raise any fuss.  Much to her surprise, they only put their bags away and go out to the kennel in the back yard. 
And they shot the dog.

fixed

[Richter]

Might not have been santorum.  You may note, the myth never specifies who's pitching / catching.

[fomenter]

   does it matter? santorum definition http://www.spreadingsantorum.com/  it (the myth) doesn't mention lube so i guess it might just be shit...

[Richter]

I'm not going to look it up at work, but I was under the impression it was a frothy mixture of both fecal leakage and semen.
If it's just shit / lube, then your fix is correct.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

EWWWW, it was funny till y'all detailed it to gross....