News:

"Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they find, they will be disturbed." - Jesus

Main Menu

Cainad for President 2012

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, February 13, 2012, 06:50:10 PM

Previous topic - Next topic
Print
Go Down Pages1 2 3
User actions

The Good Reverend Roger

February 13, 2012, 06:50:10 PM
Okay, I think we've squeezed all the funny out of the GOP "frontrunners".  The time has come to announce Cainad as the dark horse candidate for the republican nomination.  It's too late for him to file, of course, but not too late for him to win.  The convention can nominate anyone they like, after all, and America is ready for his bullshit.

I've done some thinking on this, and I have a platform that most people can get behind.

1.  The Common Sense Mallet.  This would be an actual mallet, wielded by the Attorney General, that would be used to pound stupid people into jelly.  Not EVERY stupid person, of course...That would take forever, and where would you start?  No, I'm thinking Donald Trump for starters, and then further targets to be chosen by a secret team of White House advisors.

2.  A ban on piss jugs.  For real.  There's no menace to America so bad as a piss jug hurled from a speeding 18 wheeler.  You're just driving along, minding your own business, and then BANG!  A gallon of piss comes flying through your windshield, and takes your head clean off.  Horrible.

3.  Mind Your Fucking Business.  Gay marriage bother you?  Don't look.  Someone got an abortion?  Who cares?  Gays in the military?  What else is new?  This plank would also involve having all AM radio jocks strapped to the front of cannons and sent to glory.

4.  A Nationwide Ban on Diabetics.  Nuff said.  Wilford Brimley, GTFO!

5.  The annexation of Toronto.  If Canada can't play nice with its college students, it shan't be allowed to have them.

6.  The Sale of Alaska to Russia.  That way, Sarah Palin really COULD see Russia from her front porch.

7.  TV Improvement.  All TV producers will wear electrodes attached to their bits.  When enough watchers register disapproval, they'll receive a 40,000 VDC shock to their happy place.

8.  Fuck Free Trade.  The utter repeal of NAFTA and everything like it.

9.  Dismantle the Stock Market.  If you want money, go to work.  No more free ride.  Brokers will be retrained to work as jizz moppers at the Broadway Street peepshow in Tucson, AZ, where they can finally do some good in the world.

Suggested VP:  ECH.  This will make Cainad assassination-proof.

Cabinet: 
AG - Professor Cramulus.
HH&S - Iptuous
Commerce - LMNO
NSA - Cain
Education - Garbo
Interior - Triple Zero
Defense - Pixie
Energy - Bootsy Collins
State - Me.  Because I love people.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

AFK

#1
February 13, 2012, 06:53:56 PM
Dibs on ONDCP!

And where do I sign to get a bumper sticker? 
Cynicism is a blank check for failure.

Cainad (dec.)

#2
February 13, 2012, 07:29:59 PM
I am more than honored to accept this nomination; I am in fact piddling myself in pure ecstatic glee.

I believe that This Great Nation has the strength to swallow any form of batshittery. I will work tirelessly to exhaust your appetites for delusional, morally bankrupt politicking. With my elite team of depraved hooligans infesting every single position I can put them in, we can bring This Great Nation four years of self-destructive and backwards policies that will hurl us, meteor-like, back into the Good Old Days.

I intend to be so unrelentingly corrupt that the tottering sham of a "government" we have left will be turned inside-out. Reality will have no bearing on my decisions, and the lunatic ideologies which guide my whims will change weekly.

Entire new industries will have to be created to deal with my mess. Jobs will be created purely out of the need for the general public to understand and cope with the inscrutable ruination I shall wreak. Analysis and interpretation of my administration's actions will provide material for political science majors' thesis papers for decades.

And in the end, you will love us for it. After I and my lackeys have been ceremonially lynched in the cooling wreckage of The City, there will be an entirely brand new wasteland for you to live in. In public, my name shall be a foul curse considered unfit for children's ears, but in secret you will know, "at least that fucker went and got it over with, finally!"

I shall dig you a grave, that you may find new purpose in life by struggling to climb out.

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
February 13, 2012, 07:32:33 PM
Quote from: Cainad on February 13, 2012, 07:29:59 PM
I shall dig you a grave, that you may find new purpose in life by struggling to climb out.

Um.

This is GENIUS, and too good to waste.  We need to work it into Common Walls or some shit.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#4
February 13, 2012, 07:34:47 PM
Hell yes.


AD FUNDUM.

Cainad (dec.)

#5
February 13, 2012, 07:39:59 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 07:32:33 PM
Quote from: Cainad on February 13, 2012, 07:29:59 PM
I shall dig you a grave, that you may find new purpose in life by struggling to climb out.

Um.

This is GENIUS, and too good to waste.  We need to work it into Common Walls or some shit.

Thanks, I was rather proud of that one. Once in a blue moon I get these really cool inspirations for "clinchers" that more or less justify the rest of the rant. I'd love to see people riff on it.

Elder Iptuous

#6
February 13, 2012, 07:46:26 PM
Nice. I'm on board.

The quip that Roger pointed out is your original?  that's awesome. srsly.

a point: TV improvement idea will lead to 'The Masturbation Network' and 'Ow! My Balls!' within a fortnight of enactment.  was this a goal?

you want me for H&HS?  :lol:  alrighty then.  i hope you have a good working relationship with your barber/dentist/surgeon (this will soon be a mandatory professional conglomeration, once more.)
And RWHN, what can the ONDCP do when i start reclassifying substances on a bi-weekly televised basis by means of a plink-o board?

Who's DoJ?  i'd like to make some deals.

Juana

#7
February 13, 2012, 07:47:34 PM
I would be honored to accept the education position (I have plans already, you see. Oh my, do I ever have plans), and shall work tirelessly in my state to get the word out.

CAINAD 2012!
"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."

The Good Reverend Roger

#8
February 13, 2012, 07:49:57 PM
Those WERE just suggestions.

The cabinet picks will of course be made by Baby Doc Cainad.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#9
February 13, 2012, 07:50:10 PM
As head of the department of commerce, I hereby recind the RICO act, except in the instances where it involves politicians.

The Good Reverend Roger

#10
February 13, 2012, 07:55:22 PM
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#11
February 13, 2012, 07:56:25 PM
Apologies.  I reisynd it.

Cainad (dec.)

#12
February 13, 2012, 08:10:26 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 07:49:57 PM
Those WERE just suggestions.

The cabinet picks will of course be made by Baby Doc Cainad.

I may shuffle people around, based on which drugs I've been consuming recently (incidentally, I will be taking advice on which substances I ought to be huffing to better "enhance" my leadership skills), but don't think I'm letting any of you buttjugglers off the hook. Oh no, not at all.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Don't think for ONE goddamn second that I would dare risk letting any of you freaks shirk your duty to This Great Nation. The mere thought of letting you bastards run around without microchips makes me queasy. No, I shall have no choice but to ensure that all of you will become addicted to the power I dole out to each of you. Allowing you to foster loyalties to any other source of influence is out of the question.

I am but one man, and I cannot do this job alone. Christ almighty, I have to sleep occasionally, you know? I need people on my side whom I can trust to keep fucking shit up when my imagination or willpower fails me. I need a retinue of contrarian, stubborn assholes to get Byzantine with. Things need to fall apart, and we can't risk anyone doing much of anything.

Triple Zero

#13
February 13, 2012, 10:10:29 PM
Dept. of Interior?

Hm.

This is either a piece of cake because DHS and DoJ do all the hard things that are Interior Dept tasks in the rest of the world,
OR this'll be the curse of being the "Department of Everything Else" and it's where all the shitty jobs nobody else wants to do end up.

Well, at least the Bureau of Reclamation, I got covered, I know some people, they'll keep the scary seawater away from you.

OH! I KNOW! There will be NONE of that wood crap used for building houses except for decorative purposes and supporting beams, especially when there's hurricanes. "OMG look at all the devastation!" *slap* You built your house from wood, what do you THINK would happen? And I know the perfect way of how to sell it to the public too:
See, it'll be like one of those viral marketing campaigns where over the course of some weeks they'll reveal more parts of a story. It'll start with the first little piggie that built its house out of straw ...

And Cainad, you're going to LOVE this one: You told me there was this storm and everybody was all like wtf the power's out! the land phone lines are out! everything is out! I got this great idea, I once saw it in, oh everywhere else in Western civilisation: PUT CABLES UNDER GROUND! Crazy right? I know, "why didn't I think of that?", that's what you got me for, man!

Anything else, sir?
Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.

The Good Reverend Roger

#14
February 13, 2012, 10:46:54 PM
Piss jugs, flying, hazards in the making.  You will punish the people responsible.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
Print
Go Up Pages1 2 3
User actions