Frozen Fucking Fleshlight of Doom

[Salty]

Started talking to a guy about 2 weeks ago from OKC.

He's smart, funny, confident, not in the least bit sleazy. We start chatting and I get kind of excited because I can't remember the last guy who held my interest for...any length of time whatsoever.

He's good looking, Tongan, I prefer MoC over all. Ex-marine, knows who Marcus Aureliis was, dominant type. Whooo-eeeee! Right? Yeah. Cool. Awesome.

Three days in he tells me lives in Barrow, about oh 600+ miles away. Of course. Naturally. Of course the only worthwhile man in the entire state lives the length of the state away. Cool beans. So, I keep talking to him because, shit, who else is there? Plus, as I said, kind of catch.

Not that I am really looking for love right now.

Anyway, I keep at it. But then, neeeeeeedy. How can an intelligent, articulate, successful man, the kind of man who recognizes Anthropology as mostly bullshit, the kind of man who came out before the repeal of DADT to his brothers in the Corps after he had proven himself to all of them as invaluable...how can such a man need so much god damned reassurance. Yes, I like you. YES, I like you. YES I MOTHERFUCKING LIKE YOU BUT NOW NOT NEARLY AS MUCH AS BEFORE YOU KEPT ASKING ME OR CHECKING IN ON THIS FACT.

I am loaded with things to do. My plate is full. Lots of shit to deal with. What I need is someone who can maybe make it seem like I am not completely isolated from everything I want, aside from my son. Someone who can make me forget for a few moments that my life, my career, my sanity, is on the precipice. Let's talk about something other than how sexy and handsome you think I am.

And this...this might seem like whining. Maybe it is, or looking in a gift horse in the mouth, or something but...you know, people tell me I am handsome. I don't give a fuck.

Does that sound terrible?

I don't care about that. It has very rarely ever worked to my advantage. Perhaps I do not leverage it enough. I do not have any desire to do so. Many people assume I am conceited. Nope. Don't care. Many people I am attracted to think they have no chance with me because of my looks. This annoys the shit out of me. How, exactly, do my looks determine the kind of people I am attracted to.

I understand my face affords me with some privilege that others do not possess. I am starting to see that. But what with the wall I put up, and my bad attitude, and the words that pour out of my mouth, it does me precious little good except to get leered at by men who refuse to talk to me, whether gross or not.

And ugh, god do I hate their leering. Stop. Fucking. Looking at me like that.

At any rate, I don't want to talk about how sexy you think I am all the god damned time. Rarely, in fact. It's flattering, yes. It's also very, very boring and not at all what drives me. I have a brain inside here, ya know? I really, really like to use it.

After first giving up on men when I was 17 I met this guy at a party two years later. We ended up making out and all that shit. It didn't get further than that because in between gasps for air he kept slurring "OMG he's so HOT. You're sooooo hot. You are so fucking out." makeout makeout "OMG you're so fucking hot. You're sooooo hot."

Blech.

BLEEEEEECHHHHCHHCHCCHCHCHHODOHAESPUIAWHUFE}UAWPBIFE)(UWADPBIEDAHU


JUST SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE YOU GOD DAMNED IDIOT.


AND ANOTHER THING.

THIS ASSHOLE, I HAVE MENTIONED HIM BEFORE. I MADE A MOVE BECAUSE I WAS SURE HE WAS INTO ME, AND HE FREAKED OUT ON ME REALLY BAD. I AM TERRIFIED OF HITTING ON STRAIGHT GUYS. IT MAKES ME SHAKE WITH TEH FEAR. I HATE IT. HATE IT. HHHHHHHAAAAATE.

5 YEARS LATER HE HAS HIS WIFE TELL ME HE WAS INTO ME AND HAD IDENTITY ISSUES. I REACH OUT TO HIM. I SAY WE SHOULD HANG OUT.

NOTHING FOR A YEAR. HE HAS SOME POLYFAMILY.

IT BREAKS APART. IT CRUMBLES. BEAR IN MIND HIS WIFE STILL LOVES HIM AND STAYS WITH HIM THROUGH EVERYTHING. HE IS DEPRESSED. HE FELT SUICIDAL.

HE WANTS TO HANG OUT AND HE IS SORRY HE DID NOT DO IT BEFORE.

WHEN DOES HE TELL ME THIS? THE DAY I HAVE TO TELL MY WIFE OUT MARRIAGE IS OVER. HE WILL NOT LET UP, HE WILL NOT TAKE THE HINT I AM NO LONGER INTERESTED AND DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH HIS ISSUES.

FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKCUJFDNJIODFSJONHI.

ok.

I feel a little better. That needed to get out. Thanks.

Anyway. I have given too much of myself to people who did not deserve it. I settle for no one now.

I do not have identity issues. I know who I am, as much as anyone can, and I absolutely know what I want. And I will not give in to some guy just because he knows who Marcus Aurelius was, or because he is handsome and can use his brain.

It's not enough. None of these fuckers are enough. None of them.

I got into the situation I am in today because I have compromised myself for anyone who was willing to put up with me.

No more.

I need more than that. I need to be fucking wow'd. I need someone who doesn't have to tell me they are sorry before they have even had a chance to break my heart, and I need someone who does not wave giant red flags while they bat their eyelashes at me, no matter how pretty they are.

I'd rather buy a god damned fleshlight and go through as many as needed until I can escape this frozen hell hole than put up with this horseshit.

OR KILL ME.

[Salty]

The truth is I don't even need one of those damned things.

My sex drive is so low it could win the Grandmaster Limbo Championship of the Entire Fucking Universe.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Jesus. Those guys have the worst sense of timing since teenagers using the rhythm method.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

The problem with needy people is that they can potentially be exactly what you want and need, and they can be hot and brilliant and exciting, and as soon as they start showing neediness it all screeches to a halt, because what they are demonstrating is a lack of self-actualization and a need to be fulfilled/reassured by someone outside of themselves, and you know what that means? It means A. perpetual energy suck who will never be happy with the energy that you expend on people and endeavors other than them, and B. when they are unhappy it will be YOUR FAULT.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I have also found that there is often an element of coercion to the "You're so beautiful/so great/I'm so into you/I want to be with you" being laid on too thickly too early, which is that they are fishing for reciprocity and commitment you aren't really ready to make, to make it harder for you to break it off with them. It often turns absurdly rapidly to "I was so good to you; you're ungrateful and you'll never find anyone else who will be as good to you as I was" as soon as you back off.

[Salty]

Yup.

At this point I am to wary to fall into that.

I laid it out, that I have a lot on my plate, which he already knew, and said I cannot allay his worries after already telling him I lile him.

No response.

[Salty]

Ok. So I met him. He came down for the Miner's and Trapper's Ball. It's a thing.

Anyhow, there is a slight chance I may have misjudged things, what with text and all. Though I consider myself at adept at parsing subtext through text.

Time will tell. I ain't in no rush.

All the same, that was most definitely the best date I have had with a man...ever.

[LMNO]

Good to hear!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Ok. So I met him. He came down for the Miner's and Trapper's Ball. It's a thing.

Anyhow, there is a slight chance I may have misjudged things, what with text and all. Though I consider myself at adept at parsing subtext through text.

Time will tell. I ain't in no rush.

All the same, that was most definitely the best date I have had with a man...ever.

That's promising! Awesome. I hope it all works out into something good and fun and lovely!

[P3nT4gR4m]

The problem with needy people is that they can potentially be exactly what you want and need, and they can be hot and brilliant and exciting, and as soon as they start showing neediness it all screeches to a halt, because what they are demonstrating is a lack of self-actualization and a need to be fulfilled/reassured by someone outside of themselves, and you know what that means? It means A. perpetual energy suck who will never be happy with the energy that you expend on people and endeavors other than them, and B. when they are unhappy it will be YOUR FAULT.

I fucking like this. I knew it but it would have taken me about eight or nine pages to explain to someone!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

The problem with needy people is that they can potentially be exactly what you want and need, and they can be hot and brilliant and exciting, and as soon as they start showing neediness it all screeches to a halt, because what they are demonstrating is a lack of self-actualization and a need to be fulfilled/reassured by someone outside of themselves, and you know what that means? It means A. perpetual energy suck who will never be happy with the energy that you expend on people and endeavors other than them, and B. when they are unhappy it will be YOUR FAULT.

I fucking like this. I knew it but it would have taken me about eight or nine pages to explain to someone!

Thanks!