Gilligan hated the Skipper. Let's just get that straight, right up front. He hated him with an intensity that always shocked him, almost as much as he was shocked that the fat fuck couldn't ever see that hate on his face.
The Skipper's incompetence had landed them on that fucking island 5 years back, and it became increasingly hard to hide his resentment...But he kept up the front of the loveable, dim-witted scamp, even after that time the professor made booze out of coconuts and Gilligan woke up with a sore ass. After that, every time the fat bastard called him "little buddy", it was all he could do to not shank the bastard.
But lately, Gilligan was beginning to have, you know, bad dreams. In these dreams, he was talking to the professor, who kept harping about how their clothes never seemed to wear out, and how they sure lived civilized on an island that had few resources and hadn't even been all the way explored. The prof also mentioned other things that didn't add up, and all of this began to really wear on the poor young sailor.
He tried to talk to the other castaways, but Ginger would just smile her vapid smile, and Maryanne would listen to him while looking at him like he was an idiot (Christ, stranded on a desert island with two hotties, and they both don't even know you're there). The Howells, of course, were still laboring under the delusion that they were rich, and everyone played along with the lazy fucking bastards.
The professor just smiled at him. Not the empty smile Ginger had, or the condescending smile that Maryanne had tried to hide...No, this was a small, sad smile.
"You still don't remember, do you, Gilligan?"
"Remember what?"
"The night of the wreck, kid. What do you remember?"
"Well, I remember that it was really confusing, and I thought we were goners for sure."
"Well, maybe you should think about it a little more."
That night, Gilligan dreamed about the wreck, for the first time since the disaster. The ship – boat, really – was tossed to and fro, and was making some really ugly noises. The storm got worse and worse, and then they hit the reef off the island. The Skipper hollered for everyone to abandon ship (What the fuck? That never happened, did it?), and people started panicking. A yard swung around and more or less decapitated Ginger, and the rope attached to it hit Gilligan and tangled around him.
While he was trying to free himself, the boat gave a groan and broke in half, sinking instantly. Gilligan woke up in a cold sweat at the point of the dream at which his lungs gave out as he struggled to get loose from the ropes.
As he sat up in his cot, he noticed that he wasn't alone in the hut. The professor was sitting in one of the ridiculous chairs they'd somehow managed to make while supposedly finding the things they needed to survive.
"Figured it out yet?", the professor asked, in his usual mild tones.
"I don't think I made it to shore, professor. What's happening?"
"Well, this is where you wound up, Gilligan. Well, the part of you that wasn't eaten by crabs, anyway."
"This doesn't look like heaven, professor. Or hell."
"It isn't either one, Gilligan. You see, heaven's where good people go, and hell is where bad people go. You, on the other hand, were neither good nor evil. You were a drone. You floated along in life, letting that sadistic sodomizing prick make all of your decisions. You acted dumb so that people would make all of your choices for you. So when you drowned, you weren't really fit for a proper afterlife...There wasn't enough YOU, so to speak, to qualify for either place. So you got this island. Forever."
"What? NO!"
The professor's grin changed, becoming more...plastic.
"Anyway, there's no time for this, Gilligan. You'll be late for the Luau. Maryanne even made those flower necklaces for us."
The professor walked out of the hut, followed by the shrieks and screams of the young sailor inside.
To be continued.
Holy... fuck...
I expected something juicy, but... damn... Roger gave me goosebumps.
This series is so fucking great. Horrible, but necessary.
:mittens:
beautiful in that way that makes your soul hurt.
All of the hair on my body just stood up and my nipples got hard.
Not in the good way.
That was one of the creepiest things I've ever read.
Quote from: Nigel on November 30, 2011, 05:40:38 PM
All of the hair on my body just stood up and my nipples got hard.
Not in the good way.
That was one of the creepiest things I've ever read.
Thanks, everyone. I've been trying very hard to get a few concepts across without the "regular people" filters that I usually employ.
That's fucking creepy. Especially the last three lines.
Damn, you are really hitting home with this new series Roger. I love what your doing, now I just need to get my mask back in place, the look on my face after I read this sent a co-worker running in fear.
FUCKING BRAVO!!!
I... I don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling right now.
Another homerun. Thanks, Rog.
Quote from: Doktor Zero on November 30, 2011, 08:10:52 PM
I... I don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling right now.
This, right here.
I'd say that wasn't right, but... It IS, god help me, it is...
Really great. Even though I never saw Gilligan's Island, but I kinda knew what it was about, and the story is kind enough to be explicit about the relevant details that I didn't know.
Jesus. Creepy and sad and D:. Very good, too.
I've never seen the show, but this was awesome.
The "I've never seen the show" posts are making me :cry:.
Quote from: Luna on December 01, 2011, 12:58:12 AM
The "I've never seen the show" posts are making me :cry:.
While I was supposed to be watching classic television shows as a kid, I was writing to a local zoologist asking for pointers on keeping a wolf spider as a pet, perfecting the art of throwing ants at girls without harming the insect, and spending long hours at the surrounding creeks poking crayfish with sticks.
I hardly ever got to watch TV when I was young and by the time I was allowed to, I wasn't interested.
Quote from: Net on December 01, 2011, 01:36:21 AM
Quote from: Luna on December 01, 2011, 12:58:12 AM
The "I've never seen the show" posts are making me :cry:.
While I was supposed to be watching classic television shows as a kid, I was writing to a local zoologist asking for pointers on keeping a wolf spider as a pet, perfecting the art of throwing ants at girls without harming the insect, and spending long hours at the surrounding creeks poking crayfish with sticks.
I hardly ever got to watch TV when I was young and by the time I was allowed to, I wasn't interested.
You missed out on an important experience. The trouble with writing this piece is that Gilligan's Island was AWFUL. No shit. It was the worst thing ever put on TV. Finding a way to make it horrible was like carrying coals to Newcastle.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 01, 2011, 01:44:07 AM
Quote from: Net on December 01, 2011, 01:36:21 AM
Quote from: Luna on December 01, 2011, 12:58:12 AM
The "I've never seen the show" posts are making me :cry:.
While I was supposed to be watching classic television shows as a kid, I was writing to a local zoologist asking for pointers on keeping a wolf spider as a pet, perfecting the art of throwing ants at girls without harming the insect, and spending long hours at the surrounding creeks poking crayfish with sticks.
I hardly ever got to watch TV when I was young and by the time I was allowed to, I wasn't interested.
You missed out on an important experience. The trouble with writing this piece is that Gilligan's Island was AWFUL. No shit. It was the worst thing ever put on TV. Finding a way to make it horrible was like carrying coals to Newcastle.
Part of the brilliance of your piece is that even people with passing knowledge of Gilligan's Island, like me, still will absorb the brunt of the message.
Best "Gotcha" ending since Hellraiser:Inferno
I once heard a fan theory about Gilligan's Island where they were all in Hell and each of the seven characters represented one of the seven deadly sins.
This one is much better. It makes it personal to the reader. The reader will (or should) ask himself or herself, "Is there enough of me to qualify for either place?"
I put the same theory out about Muppets on Sesame Street. Bullshit, but it starts some fun discussion.
Quote from: Richter on December 01, 2011, 02:19:41 AM
I put the same theory out about Muppets on Sesame Street. Bullshit, but it starts some fun discussion.
We need to either finish compiling those, or make more of them.
Part III is written, but won't be posted until tomorrow, for reasons involving load times, time outs, and my utter hatred of my network at work.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on December 01, 2011, 12:59:47 PM
Quote from: Richter on December 01, 2011, 02:19:41 AM
I put the same theory out about Muppets on Sesame Street. Bullshit, but it starts some fun discussion.
We need to either finish compiling those, or make more of them.
SRSLY.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on December 01, 2011, 12:59:47 PM
Quote from: Richter on December 01, 2011, 02:19:41 AM
I put the same theory out about Muppets on Sesame Street. Bullshit, but it starts some fun discussion.
We need to either finish compiling those, or AND make more of them.
Fixed that for ya...
Quote from: Fidel Castro on November 30, 2011, 04:57:26 PM
Gilligan hated the Skipper. Let's just get that straight, right up front. He hated him with an intensity that always shocked him, almost as much as he was shocked that the fat fuck couldn't ever see that hate on his face.
The Skipper's incompetence had landed them on that fucking island 5 years back, and it became increasingly hard to hide his resentment...But he kept up the front of the loveable, dim-witted scamp, even after that time the professor made booze out of coconuts and Gilligan woke up with a sore ass. After that, every time the fat bastard called him "little buddy", it was all he could do to not shank the bastard.
But lately, Gilligan was beginning to have, you know, bad dreams. In these dreams, he was talking to the professor, who kept harping about how their clothes never seemed to wear out, and how they sure lived civilized on an island that had few resources and hadn't even been all the way explored. The prof also mentioned other things that didn't add up, and all of this began to really wear on the poor young sailor.
He tried to talk to the other castaways, but Ginger would just smile her vapid smile, and Maryanne would listen to him while looking at him like he was an idiot (Christ, stranded on a desert island with two hotties, and they both don't even know you're there). The Howells, of course, were still laboring under the delusion that they were rich, and everyone played along with the lazy fucking bastards.
The professor just smiled at him. Not the empty smile Ginger had, or the condescending smile that Maryanne had tried to hide...No, this was a small, sad smile.
"You still don't remember, do you, Gilligan?"
"Remember what?"
"The night of the wreck, kid. What do you remember?"
"Well, I remember that it was really confusing, and I thought we were goners for sure."
"Well, maybe you should think about it a little more."
That night, Gilligan dreamed about the wreck, for the first time since the disaster. The ship – boat, really – was tossed to and fro, and was making some really ugly noises. The storm got worse and worse, and then they hit the reef off the island. The Skipper hollered for everyone to abandon ship (What the fuck? That never happened, did it?), and people started panicking. A yard swung around and more or less decapitated Ginger, and the rope attached to it hit Gilligan and tangled around him.
While he was trying to free himself, the boat gave a groan and broke in half, sinking instantly. Gilligan woke up in a cold sweat at the point of the dream at which his lungs gave out as he struggled to get loose from the ropes.
As he sat up in his cot, he noticed that he wasn't alone in the hut. The professor was sitting in one of the ridiculous chairs they'd somehow managed to make while supposedly finding the things they needed to survive.
"Figured it out yet?", the professor asked, in his usual mild tones.
"I don't think I made it to shore, professor. What's happening?"
"Well, this is where you wound up, Gilligan. Well, the part of you that wasn't eaten by crabs, anyway."
"This doesn't look like heaven, professor. Or hell."
"It isn't either one, Gilligan. You see, heaven's where good people go, and hell is where bad people go. You, on the other hand, were neither good nor evil. You were a drone. You floated along in life, letting that sadistic sodomizing prick make all of your decisions. You acted dumb so that people would make all of your choices for you. So when you drowned, you weren't really fit for a proper afterlife...There wasn't enough YOU, so to speak, to qualify for either place. So you got this island. Forever."
"What? NO!"
The professor's grin changed, becoming more...plastic.
"Anyway, there's no time for this, Gilligan. You'll be late for the Luau. Maryanne even made those flower necklaces for us."
The professor walked out of the hut, followed by the shrieks and screams of the young sailor inside.
To be continued.
Bump for later use.
Fuck me, how'd I forget about this one?
Jesus fuck, this piece sure packs a visceral punch.... I remembered and still a big hit to the gut...
Bump for bearman.
FUCK!
SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE!
Also lawl at the rich couple.
Quote from: Officer What's His /b/ear on December 10, 2013, 02:23:18 AM
FUCK!
SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE!
Also lawl at the rich couple.
It occurs to me that you youngins might never have actually seen the abomination known as "Gilligan's Island".
It was sort of like 1950 filmed in 1970, only the producers were all on bad crank and suffering from 4th stage syphilis.
I remember seeing some special when I was younger when they finally left the island. I think it was 2-3 hour special. My wife watched a lot of the T.V. from the "good old days". I was more into "Amen", and "Mama's Family."
Quote from: Officer What's His /b/ear on December 10, 2013, 02:27:26 AM
I remember seeing some special when I was younger when they finally left the island. I think it was 2-3 hour special. My wife watched a lot of the T.V. from the "good old days". I was more into "Amen", and "Mama's Family."
The good old days of television make "Survivor" look like Goddamn Shakespeare. Every TV producer from 1950-2000, except for Gene Roddenberry, should be shoved into traffic in their wheelchairs. Bastards.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on December 10, 2013, 02:29:03 AM
Quote from: Officer What's His /b/ear on December 10, 2013, 02:27:26 AM
I remember seeing some special when I was younger when they finally left the island. I think it was 2-3 hour special. My wife watched a lot of the T.V. from the "good old days". I was more into "Amen", and "Mama's Family."
The good old days of television make "Survivor" look like Goddamn Shakespeare. Every TV producer from 1950-2000, except for Gene Roddenberry, should be shoved into traffic in their wheelchairs. Bastards.
LUCY!!!!
Somehow I remember watching a lot of Gilligan's Island but am only 24. This is the kind of stuff they do on television in upside-down land. When we run out of hobbits and wizards, it's reruns from the 70s and curfew is imposed until the series is over.
Quote from: Pæs on December 10, 2013, 02:31:40 AM
Somehow I remember watching a lot of Gilligan's Island but am only 24. This is the kind of stuff they do on television in upside-down land. When we run out of hobbits and wizards, it's reruns from the 70s and curfew is imposed until the series is over.
Good old fashioned values!
I haven't seen any reruns of matlock, or night rider yet.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on December 10, 2013, 02:29:03 AM
Quote from: Officer What's His /b/ear on December 10, 2013, 02:27:26 AM
I remember seeing some special when I was younger when they finally left the island. I think it was 2-3 hour special. My wife watched a lot of the T.V. from the "good old days". I was more into "Amen", and "Mama's Family."
The good old days of television make "Survivor" look like Goddamn Shakespeare. Every TV producer from 1950-2000, except for Gene Roddenberry, should be shoved into traffic in their wheelchairs. Bastards.
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD I KNOW
And then you get these contemptuous fucks who are like "TV is such trash these days"
Um
Um
Um
I DARE them to go back and watch old TV. It was HORRIBLE.
Quote from: Officer What's His /b/ear on December 10, 2013, 02:32:41 AM
Quote from: Pæs on December 10, 2013, 02:31:40 AM
Somehow I remember watching a lot of Gilligan's Island but am only 24. This is the kind of stuff they do on television in upside-down land. When we run out of hobbits and wizards, it's reruns from the 70s and curfew is imposed until the series is over.
Good old fashioned values!
I haven't seen any reruns of matlock, or night rider yet.
We got reruns of both.
I remember Knight Rider because we missed our chance to get the shopping done before they boarded up the doors and started the broadcast. You'd be surprised how many common household objects are edible.
Quote from: Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies on December 10, 2013, 02:33:24 AM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on December 10, 2013, 02:29:03 AM
Quote from: Officer What's His /b/ear on December 10, 2013, 02:27:26 AM
I remember seeing some special when I was younger when they finally left the island. I think it was 2-3 hour special. My wife watched a lot of the T.V. from the "good old days". I was more into "Amen", and "Mama's Family."
The good old days of television make "Survivor" look like Goddamn Shakespeare. Every TV producer from 1950-2000, except for Gene Roddenberry, should be shoved into traffic in their wheelchairs. Bastards.
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD I KNOW
And then you get these contemptuous fucks who are like "TV is such trash these days"
Um
Um
Um
I DARE them to go back and watch old TV. It was HORRIBLE.
Nick at Night should be enshrined as a means by which to educate people on how bad the past was.
MASH. Gilligan's Island. Charles in Charge. My Three Sons. That fucking Green Acres.
And don't even get me started on Welcome Back Kotter.
MASH was particularly bad. Here's this Nurse Captain, Hoolihan, and she's trying to run a MILITARY HOSPITAL to deal with HORRIBLE WARTIME CASUALTIES.
And the heroes are all "NICE RACK, BIMBO!"
*laugh track*
Oh, and Hee Haw. :argh!:
I don't remember if I read the OP before, but wow am I glad I did now.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on December 10, 2013, 02:37:25 AM
MASH was particularly bad. Here's this Nurse Captain, Hoolihan, and she's trying to run a MILITARY HOSPITAL to deal with HORRIBLE WARTIME CASUALTIES.
And the heroes are all "NICE RACK, BIMBO!"
*laugh track*
Oh, and Hee Haw. :argh!:
And the rare occasion that she manages to chase a bit of wartime romance with Frank or someone else, manages to find someone who wants something more than to ogle and objectify her, the rest of the unit prank her and make the tent fall down to embarrass them, or set up an elaborate series of tricks such that they are both running all about the camp and always missing each other and the audience supports them. NOPE, TRY AGAIN LATER, BACK TO THE TRAUMATIC INJURIES AND DYING INNOCENCE OF SOLDIERCHILDREN.
THE MASH WIKIA HAS AN ENTIRE SECTION DEDICATED TO HER ASS: http://mash.wikia.com/wiki/Margaret_%22Hot_Lips%22_Houlihan#Rear
Dynasty:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGJ7wyTzwfw
I have no taste and i always liked MASH. But i am repeating myself.
goddamn, Roger. Did you do all five of these?
I loved MASH as a kid. But I was SIX. As an adult, the sexism is fairly horrifying.
More horrifying? It was considered progressive for the time because it had women in nontraditional roles.
Progressive. For the time.
Just let that sink in.
Laugh In.
SOCK IT TO ME.
Nice. Did this get continued?
Quote from: Junkenstein on December 10, 2013, 06:54:09 PM
Nice. Did this get continued?
There's a part III, if you search for it. And thanks to Stella, I'm gonna finish the series. Ho ho.
Yay!
Quote from: Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies on December 10, 2013, 05:01:07 PM
I loved MASH as a kid. But I was SIX. As an adult, the sexism is fairly horrifying.
More horrifying? It was considered progressive for the time because it had women in nontraditional roles.
Progressive. For the time.
Just let that sink in.
I haven't watched it in a while. So that may be an element.
Luckily I have a quite strong suspension of disbelief and near limitless faith in humanity's goodness (It is what i need to maintain my misanthropy, disappointment doesn't come from realism, you know.) I can watch Starship Troopers and like it for it's edgy mockery of propaganda. I watch Arnold Schwarzenegger fo their philosophical messages for fuck's sake. MASH is comparatively easy.
Progressive for the time is a horrible thought, I'm just glad we progressed quite a bit further.