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PI With Malice Aforethought: The Paesors

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, October 24, 2013, 03:12:48 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

#30
October 25, 2013, 04:13:39 PM
Part 6

So, we were going to the "art festival".  Well, with any luck at all, there'd be enough of a crowd that perhaps I could escape.  But in the meantime, Senor Paesor was loading backpacks on the back of his jeep.  I glanced inside one, and my blood ran cold...It was a large nail bomb.  I looked at Senor Paesor.

"What?  Party favors", he said, and laughed.

I got in the back seat, and the Paesors got in front.  I had to do something.  I felt along under the front seat with my foot...AHA!  There it was.  The Uzi.  I hooked it with my foot, and started dragging it towards me.  It was just in my grasp when the world ended.

When the crashing stopped, I was laying in the street.  The police car that had rammed the jeep was still entangled with it.  Three masked policemen where holding shotguns to my face.

"Thank God", I managed, then I guess I passed out again.

So I'm not sure why you're holding me, officers.  I was a prisoner with those maniacs.  I just want to go home to America.

The preceding is the sworn statement of accused mass murderer "Padre Roger".  The following testimony is that of Sr and Sra Paesor, two of his victims.

"We knew this guy Roger on the boards for years.  So he starts saying he'll be down our way, and could we show him the town?  We agree.  It was the worst mistake of our lives.  He held us prisoner for 5 weeks, and he killed all of our friends.  He ate Micheal."

Sra Paesor breaks down at this point.  Conversation suspended for 10 minutes.

"He shot at the police at least once, and he stacked up the bodies of our friends in the basement.  It was horrible.  I want to go home now...No, I'm going to my parent's house.  I can never go back to my house again."

The Paesors were released with a witness summons.  The facts bear out their story; they were prisoners the entire time, and took no part in any illegal activity, but rather seem to have been at the mercy of a madman.  The "Padre" is being held in a padded cell, and is still raving about an "exit visa", even though New Zealand does not and has never required an exit visa to leave the country.  We have informed the American consulate.  Matter referred to the solicitor general for dispostion.

Senora Paesor climbed into the car on the passenger side.  Senor Paesor looked across at her, and said, "We'll get through this, babe."

She leered at him.  "Shut up, pig."

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

They drove off back into the flip side of Christchurch, that Christchurch that can only be seen out of the corner of your eye, and only for a moment.  Thank God.

End
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#31
October 25, 2013, 04:15:29 PM
HAH!

Nice ending!  I was wondering how that was going to pan out.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#32
October 25, 2013, 04:25:34 PM
Whoa  :lulz:
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

The Good Reverend Roger

#33
October 25, 2013, 07:15:01 PM
If the Paesors have no objection, I'd like to repost this at Scrubgenius.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Aucoq

#34
October 25, 2013, 08:36:52 PM
That was a fucking great read, Roger.  I'll never look at a pork sandwich the same way again.   :eek:
"All of the world's leading theologists agree only on the notion that God hates no-fault insurance."

Horrid and Sticky Llama Wrangler of Last Week's Forbidden Desire.

The Good Reverend Roger

#35
October 25, 2013, 08:38:24 PM
Quote from: Aucoq on October 25, 2013, 08:36:52 PM
That was a fucking great read, Roger.  I'll never look at a pork sandwich the same way again.   :eek:

Thanks.  I can't seem to get LDW back in gear, but I want to write.  So everyone's getting one of these.  Eventually.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Pæs

#36
October 25, 2013, 10:00:49 PM
This needs to be shared everywhere. I should submit it to Tourism New Zealand.

The Good Reverend Roger

#37
October 25, 2013, 10:01:26 PM
Quote from: Pæs on October 25, 2013, 10:00:49 PM
This needs to be shared everywhere. I should submit it to Tourism New Zealand.

:lulz:

I need to clean up some SPAG and a spoonerism, but definitely going to Scrubgenius with this.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#38
October 25, 2013, 10:04:49 PM
Quote from: Signora Pæsior on October 25, 2013, 05:57:01 AM
I read this at work.

"It can't be that bad," I thought.

"Roger wouldn't do that to us," I thought.

:lulz:

Roger would do that sort of crap to his own aging & infirm mother if it cranked out a story.

:lulz:
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Signora Pæsior

#39
October 25, 2013, 10:24:03 PM
Quote from: Pæs on October 25, 2013, 10:00:49 PM
This needs to be shared everywhere. I should submit it to Tourism New Zealand.

100% PURE.
Petrochemical Pheremone Buzzard of the Poisoned Water Hole

The Good Reverend Roger

#40
October 25, 2013, 10:40:36 PM
Next one is Pixie and Payne, I think.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Payne

#41
October 25, 2013, 10:44:39 PM

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#42
October 26, 2013, 12:39:02 AM
This will surely be lovely!
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

LMNO

#43
October 26, 2013, 01:23:43 AM
What could possibly go wrong?

The Good Reverend Roger

#44
October 28, 2013, 02:14:46 PM
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
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