Swingers

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Are you living in a part of the world where the majority of swingers are black and brown? Because that would be wildly different from everything I've ever seen and heard of and would be a useful contribution to the conversation. You only bolded the first sentence, so I assume you're not arguing that the swinging scene in your area is a happy mix of straight and LGBT folks (although if that were the case, that would also be an interesting thing to talk about).

Also, what does monogamy "admit to"?

Just ignore him, he's an idiot with nothing to say.

[hooplala]

ITT: Privilege is more prevelant than you think.

What do you mean?

Also curious.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Are you living in a part of the world where the majority of swingers are black and brown? Because that would be wildly different from everything I've ever seen and heard of and would be a useful contribution to the conversation. You only bolded the first sentence, so I assume you're not arguing that the swinging scene in your area is a happy mix of straight and LGBT folks (although if that were the case, that would also be an interesting thing to talk about).

Also, what does monogamy "admit to"?

Just ignore him, he's an idiot with nothing to say.

You're right, lesson learned.

So, one of the local swinger-type groups had a thing happen where even though the whole group and the guy involved are all about informed enthusiastic consent, a new member still had a pretty rapey experience, because there's weird pressure about "fitting in."

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Are you living in a part of the world where the majority of swingers are black and brown? Because that would be wildly different from everything I've ever seen and heard of and would be a useful contribution to the conversation. You only bolded the first sentence, so I assume you're not arguing that the swinging scene in your area is a happy mix of straight and LGBT folks (although if that were the case, that would also be an interesting thing to talk about).

Also, what does monogamy "admit to"?

Just ignore him, he's an idiot with nothing to say.

You're right, lesson learned.

So, one of the local swinger-type groups had a thing happen where even though the whole group and the guy involved are all about informed enthusiastic consent, a new member still had a pretty rapey experience, because there's weird pressure about "fitting in."

Eek, that is really unfortunate.

[The Johnny]

Ive heard of connections between sex addiction and swinging, which could explain the different behaviour of poly to swinging.

If this doesnt make sense i can elaborate.

Hm that actually kind of does make a certain amount of sense.

It's very different from polyamory, and the funny thing is that as a woman who has been openly poly for the last ten years I get approached by swingers a LOT, and somehow they don't seem to understand the difference -- like, a strange inability to grasp that actually I DON'T want to have sex with everybody all the time, and that I DO want an emotional, romantic connection with my partners. I can't tell you how many times swingers have tried to recruit me for group sex, which for me is an absolute turn-off, and when I say I'm not into that they react as if I'm merely suppressing my real desires to kowtow to societal expectations, and like I just need to be worked on a little more to get me to give in to my secret inner desires. Remind you of anything?

And yeah, as it happens, every member of the swinger community I've ever met has been white, and for the most part, straight except for the standard complement of married bi girls who want to have FMF threesomes.

Like, lets go back to definitions:

Polyamory and swinging generally are under the same umbrella term of "non-monogamous", but this happens for totally different reasons.

Polyamory: Multiple loves... its a quite ambiguous definition but the core is "love for several people" which might or might not imply sex with several people (as far as ive seen it does imply a sexual interaction with several people, but the sex isnt the core, but rather the BOND that is felt for several people)

Swinging: Having a single romantic partner which is interchanged in specific settings or events with another couple for the explicit purpose of sex, with the specific rapport promoting no special bond formed that could endanger each respective romantic couple. The emphasis is preserving the romantic stability of the original couples while allowing casual sex, and from what ive seen, the more serious and methodical swingers only interact with other couples, not singles.

Now, im no expert or experienced but, i see some parallels between the swinging community and the bdsm community in which theres toxic elements that are drawn to it for the wrong reasons (oh johnny such a purist), in which they fail to respect rapport (which is there for a reason) or issues of consent (because its getting in the way of this raging boner, or something).

So what do we get? Doms that dont respect the original contract of practices or safe words, and we get people that get off of the chaos that swinging improperly provides (love avoidance, etc).

There's paralels between sex addiction and drug addiction, which in the scope of relationships in which each is respectively used as a method of avoiding intimacy and tuning out.

TLDR: The swinger method and philosophy is an interesting thing on paper, but there's a bunch of assholes doing-it-wrong^tm to create artificial chaos in their sick relationships or find it a good place to get rapey.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You're probably onto something, there. I suspect that what may tend to happen in swinger communities such as the one in Portland is that once the more boundary-crossing vibe is established, it becomes even more welcoming for people who are prone to crossing boundaries, and a self-reinforcing culture of pushiness starts to emerge in which not recognizing or respecting boundaries is normalized.

[LMNO]

ITT: Privilege is more prevelant than you think.

What do you mean?

Also curious.

It's just that the attitude of the swingers in the OP seemed to align pretty closely with how some people are completely unaware of the unspoken dynamics in a situation.

[minuspace]

Are you living in a part of the world where the majority of swingers are black and brown? Because that would be wildly different from everything I've ever seen and heard of and would be a useful contribution to the conversation. You only bolded the first sentence, so I assume you're not arguing that the swinging scene in your area is a happy mix of straight and LGBT folks (although if that were the case, that would also be an interesting thing to talk about).

Also, what does monogamy "admit to"?

Just ignore him, he's an idiot with nothing to say.

Point taken.  Have fun guys.

[Meunster]

So what exactly is a swinger?

Urban dictionary just says someone who sleeps around, but I didn't think there's communities of that.

[Roly Poly Oly-Garch]

An ex and I turned down several invitations to swinger parties from this couple. We finally accepted one to a "kid friendly" party they were hosting. Felt a bit ambushed there. Kid friendly just meant that instead of a party with swinging, it was a party about swinging. About the time the host hubby says to me, "No offense, but I've seen your girlfriend's tits," it was time to go. Very, very, much time to fucking go.

I wonder sometimes, if there isn't a great deal of overlap between malice and cluelessness.

[Roly Poly Oly-Garch]

So what exactly is a swinger?

Urban dictionary just says someone who sleeps around, but I didn't think there's communities of that.

Otherwise monogamous couples who like to have sex with other people. Differs from poly because it's pretty much just sex.   

[Meunster]

So what exactly is a swinger?

Urban dictionary just says someone who sleeps around, but I didn't think there's communities of that.

Otherwise monogamous couples who like to have sex with other people. Differs from poly because it's pretty much just sex.

That's weird as fuck. How can you enjoy sex when it's with someone you just met?

[Roly Poly Oly-Garch]

So what exactly is a swinger?

Urban dictionary just says someone who sleeps around, but I didn't think there's communities of that.

Otherwise monogamous couples who like to have sex with other people. Differs from poly because it's pretty much just sex.

That's weird as fuck. How can you enjoy sex when it's with someone you just met?

Oh, I can think of some ways. But that's not what I meant by just sex. I'm sure there's no prohibition on going bowling with a couple you swing with. Tupperware parties and the like.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

ITT: Privilege is more prevelant than you think.

What do you mean?

Also curious.

It's just that the attitude of the swingers in the OP seemed to align pretty closely with how some people are completely unaware of the unspoken dynamics in a situation.

Yeah, they seem bizarrely, almost obtusely clueless. It's often hard to believe it isn't deliberate.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

An ex and I turned down several invitations to swinger parties from this couple. We finally accepted one to a "kid friendly" party they were hosting. Felt a bit ambushed there. Kid friendly just meant that instead of a party with swinging, it was a party about swinging. About the time the host hubby says to me, "No offense, but I've seen your girlfriend's tits," it was time to go. Very, very, much time to fucking go.

I wonder sometimes, if there isn't a great deal of overlap between malice and cluelessness.

I seriously wonder that, as well. The thing with my housemate actually being LIED TO to get him to go was fucking horrifying. The whole "if I can just get them there, they'll realize they like it, once they relax a little" thing is just kind of rapey.