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For my part, I've replaced optimism and believing the best of people by default with a grin and the absolute 100% certainty that if they cannot find a pig to fuck, they will buy some bacon and play oinking noises on YouTube.

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Some notes on the PD old-timers.

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, October 15, 2012, 07:25:12 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

Due to the passage of this "time" thing (the existence of which has never been proven to my satisfaction, mind you), the "age" requirement for an old-timer has been moved from 2004 to 2006/2007.  Some notes on existant old timers:

1.  LMNO.  LMNO was a mathematician working for some shadowy government organization, until his accident in 2009.  When the leading edge of the blast was about to hit him, he mathematically proved - in his head - that he was not in fact a human, but a creature capable of surviving the blast.  Unfortunately, his proof was too good and he couldn't change himself back, afterward.  This is why LMNO is now a creature resembling a large snapping turtle on steroids, with apparent immunity to fire or overpressure conditions.  As a result, he is in constant demands in those neighborhoods where the Low People congregate.  His stud fees alone exceed the budget of the nation of Mali.

2.  Nigel.  Nigel is the first and only ziplock human being.  She can grow extra orifices at will, but closing them is sometimes a problem.  Though a tireless worker for equal rights, she has pointed out that sasquatchii are not technically human, and thus have no rights.  Her subsequent behavior is a matter of nightmare fuel up in the frozen hell that is the Pacific Northwest.  Nigel's house has many rooms, but all stand empty.  She ate everyone.

3.  Richter:  Richter is a traveling Frottage-Master whose circuit includes the entire East coast.  Richter also enjoys the fame of being the only person ever to put a killing edge on a dandelion.  His favorite color is black, and his favorite food is your dog.  If you see Richter, freeze in place and remain absolutely motionless, as he has eyes like a deer and can only see movement.

4.  Cain:  Cain Aertes is the last surviving member of the Order of the Garter, and was knighted for saving Shoreditch from an invasion from Lambeth, using only a water hose.  Cain is 200 years old, but lies about his age to troll crochet sites for hot young octagenarians.  He once killed a student with a single punch...He was never convicted, as all witnesses killed themselves to avoid having to testify.

5.  East Coast Hustle:  ECH is credited with the final victory in The Great Discordian Civil War, when he beat the old Mgt to death with his penis, inflicting ghastly toxic wounds which made 3 medical examiners retire "for health reasons".  ECH is 3 feet tall, and weighs 600 pounds, but can run like a gazelle.  I was phishing when I met ECH, and he told me "Cast away your keyboard, and I shall make you a fisher of tards."  I've been on this strange ride ever since.

6.  Faust:  Nobody knows anything about Faust, except that he will frequently post cryptic gibberish like "THE WHITE STOAT HAS BEEN SEEN AS FAR AFIELD AS SHREWSBURY!  THIS IS THE END!  ABANDON SHIP".  These prophecies are dismissed by many as typical Irish poetry, the kind you make when you drink turpentine, but I've never been too sure about that.

More to follow.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

7.  V3x:  V3x lives in Phoenix, and the resulting time dialation effects seriously affect his perceptions.  To him, we are all moving at a million miles an hour, and entire generations are born and die in the time it takes for him to blink his eyes.  As a result of his location, he's also stretched out like a ramen noodle, and has to shop at the Big & Tall.  He is also a notorious pervert, and is bent like Joe Theisman's leg.

8.  Net:  Net claims to live in Portland, but everyone there vehemently denies it.  If his shadow touches you, it sucks out your soul.  Net clings to the undersides of cars and draws sustenance from the tailpipe.  His hair grows inside out, so his brain is all furry.  He has a third nostril, which allows him the Godlike wisdom that he dispenses to the masses.  They hate him for it, and he has been outlawed in all states except Maine and Vermont.

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO


Don Coyote


LMNO

HEEEEEEEEYY, SEXAY LAYYDAYYY!
                \

tyrannosaurus vex

Quote7.  V3x:  V3x lives in Phoenix, and the resulting time dialation effects seriously affect his perceptions.  To him, we are all moving at a million miles an hour, and entire generations are born and die in the time it takes for him to blink his eyes.  As a result of his location, he's also stretched out like a ramen noodle, and has to shop at the Big & Tall.  He is also a notorious pervert, and is bent like Joe Theisman's leg.
This is why I can so easily discern the fatal trajectory along which your pitiful species has aligned itself. It is also why my comebacks seem so slow to you all. I am not slow: you are just zipping around like incredibly hard to catch bugs. You know when you see a fly in your house but can't catch it in time, but then you finally catch it 7 days later? Yeah. That wasn't the same fly.
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

The Good Reverend Roger

9.  P3ntagram:  P3nt is a Scotsman, which means he wears a skirt and eats disgusting food, and goes on all day about "Bonnie Prince Charley", as if the wretched bastard was gonna climb out of his grave and run the English out.  P3nt is involved in some watersport, synchronized swimming I think, and somehow makes a living off of it.  If you can call eating haggis and "tatties and neeps" "living".  P3nt is very active in The Church, and is considered the prime enforcer of Discordian dogma for Edinborough, and is known for throwing apostates in the Tay for their "baptism" of shit, used condoms, and dead junkies.  He is a Libra, and wants to meet a girl that has less body hair than he has.  His favorite color is "curb stomp", and he listens to The Scottish All Male Misery Choir.

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

10.  Kai.  Kai is our token born-again Christian, and he spends all day ranting against "evilution", pornography, and the base 10 numbering system (un-Godly, as the bible uses the base 20 system, ie, "three score and ten").  Kai pioneered the breakdancing circuit in Wisconsin, so they threw him out and he had to go live in Ohio.  Needless to say, this didn't go well at all and everybody died.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

11.  Hoopla.  Hoopla lives somewhere in Siberia (Toronto, IIRC), and writes Russian-style poetry for a living, under the psuedonym "Tolstoy".  These poems usually are about shame and failure, and are inspired primarily by Brian Mulrooney and Mike Harris.  When he actually needs MONEY, though, he does his little turn on the catwalk.  On the catwalk.  Yeah.  He does his little turn on the catwalk.  Hoopla is completely bald due to an accident with a food processor, the details of which will remain classified until 2054, out of an interest in public decency.  He owns 376 cats, and named them all Pierre Trudeau, out of admiration for the early Canadian author and philanthropist.  He hates the French, and visits Montreal just to shit on the curb. 
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

12.  Squiddy.  Squiddy is a bar owner in Florida.  She loves the sunshine state, and she welcomes all Floridians and tourists with a great big hug.  She likes kittens, and tatting lace doilies for beermats.  Her bar is done up as an Appleby's restaurant, because she likes the ambience that generates.  Her hobbies include ballroom dancing, badminton, and bloodsports of all kinds.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

13.  Burns.  Burns is a Goddamn alien infiltrator, and he stares at me from the monitor of my computer when it's not turned out.  He hates trees and kittens, and is known to throw overpass parties, where he and his vile cohorts drop 55 gallon barrels full of concrete onto families of 5 who are on their way to Sunday school.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Juana

"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."

Freeky

 :lulz: I can't wait until 2010 is considered old-timey.

The Good Reverend Roger

#13
14.  Reverend What's His Name:  RWHN is an infamous hacker who hasn't left his Russian cyber-bunker since 2006.  He spends most of his time spamming the White House webpage with bad puns and love sonnets to Hillary Clinton.  RWHN has a glandular disorder that means he can only move with the assistance of specially trained, buff midgets, who carry him around on a litter.  His favorite movie is Reefer Madness, and he is a founding member of the Young Republicans.  He likes rainy days and long walks in the park, but his incapability of enjoying those things has resulted in a hate so pure you can bounce lasers off of it.  He is 73 years old, and has three spleens.  He likes to be called Big Poppa.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

15.  Pope Lecherous.  PL is 10 feet tall.  He'd eat a homeless man if you dared him.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.