[Post deleted]
The New Sacraments:
1. Call the Bullshit Bullshit- It's not edgy, it's not cute, it's not a political ideology, and it is not politically correct. It is the bullshit. If you're not sure what I'm talking about look around until you see it. You'll know it when you do. Hell, why do you expect me to point it out?
2. The folly of the like- Any idea you brainlessly agree with, +1, "Like", or re-tweet you have just FUCKED. You, with a eprfectly functioning and reasoning brain, have not even deigned to digest and shit it our again in a different form. Sure, you've "Boosted the signal" congratulations, you're better than paid advertising, but worth less. If you can both to appreciate an idea, you can both to riff off of it to help it grow.
3. Make up your own damn mind - The list is never complete, the list is never pre - personalized. Tell other what you find good, and listen to what they like. Heck, if a wank at 6AM works for Johnny Parent's Basement, it MIGHT work for you too. Disregarding it out of hand because of the source is a logical fallacy. No one is ever totally wrong, or totally infallible. That's life wear a hat.
why post deleted?
"And in the 10th year, there was the schism. The Great House was split in twain. To the left was The Great Autistic Horde, Those Who Lurk. To the right were the followers of the Holy Triune, the Apostles of Stress, Rage, and Ham. The Apostles did lay about, and the Horde was defeated. The Horde did not notice their great defeat, as they were AFK, but defeated they were. And The City was burned, and all that was left was a low stone wall with the scorched emblem of a golden apple, the last mark of a defeated Goddess."
- Ars Richteria 2:15
4. To interact is Human. To passively observe is fungi.
5. It is written: You will not like everyone who has something worthwhile to say. For the medium is not the message, and many great ideas are lost because they are proposed by unlikeable people.
6. The End Times are not upon us; they happened years ago. All that is left is the Triune: Stress, Rage, and Ham.
7. The Ham God does not accept excuses. The Stress God will not even listen to your excuses. The Rage God is busy. Go tell someone who cares.
"Help us, O Lords, to sharpen ourselves. Teach us to put an edge on our craniums, so that we may 'kiss' thy foes. Lead us not into apathy, but fill us with burning WRATH. Ham feeds us, Stress wakes us, Rage sustains us. Shall we not emerge from the hills, sweeping all before us? Shall we not thump the nonbeliever? Lo, the time of REVENGE is upon us, and the albino javalina has been seen as far afield as Benson."
- Ars Richteria
8. Faith got worn out by the Sunday morning crowd. It no longer counts. Acts or gtfo.
3:1 And a rider did approach, and the air grew bright as stars, and lo, the rider did have a coat made of thousands of sequins; and the rider did call out, a mighty roar; and the rider did say "HEY, GURL!"
3:2 And the many Lurkers did tremble, and the ground shook; for the bass was mighty as it dropped.
3:3 And the rider did call out "YOU BETTER WORK." And he did make the divine booty clap; and he drank the vodka; and did not heed Last Call.
3:4 This was the beginning of the Times; and the Times were called SATURDAY NIGHT.
-The Book of Fabulous
"Implicit in the design of any prison is the method by which to escape that prison."
- Ars Richteria, 4:76
"Innocence is not 'good'. Innocence is the state of having never been tested."
- The Tucson Codex, 2:24
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 03, 2013, 03:14:27 PM
"Innocence is not 'good'. Innocence is the state of having never been tested."
- The Tucson Codex, 2:24
Ooh, I like that one.
And one of the unwashed masses spoke, saying
"But I am afraid! My contributions may not be valuable,
or I may accidentally undermine the OP in my ignorance!"
And Richter said unto the unwashed masses:
SO THE FUCK WHAT?
9. You cannot run from yourself, because the legs you are running with are part of what you're trying to escape.
10. You can fake the data all you like; at some point your hypothesis will meet up with the universe, which cares nothing for your deeply held beliefs. Nor will it care to whom you assign blame.
11. Correllation does not imply causation; correllation merely implies that two or more things are associated by something, which may include random factors.
12. An obvious assignable cause is probably wrong.
13. You can't argue with a blown fuse.
14. It is what it is; this does not imply that it is what it appears to be.
These are fantastic.
Better than the memebombs, in fact. You can't dismiss them using "clever wordplay" arguments.
"To staple scientific-sounding terms on non-scientific words or activities does not lend science to your endeavor, but it may attract gullible fools with money that refuses to stick to their own hands. 'Quantum Healing', for example, is nothing more than the means of transferring money from the stupid to the wicked. This begs the question: Which is more evil? The degradation of science, or the bilking of fools?"
- The Tucson Codex, 4:11
The degredation of Science is an unforgivable sin.
That is, if "sin" exists.
"Sin is the state in which a person exists, if he/she takes extra time out of his/her day to dump on the undeserving in some fashion. To claim that sin doesn't exist is to say that the strong commit no wrong when they victimize the weak."
- Ars Richteria, 3:22
Let he who insists that a problem does not exist because that problem does not directly affect him be hung by his toenails in the park, until he learns.
"Tyranny isn't always bad. Stupid people need governance, too. The method by which you sort out the smart from the stupid is that the smart will get mad about the tyranny, while the stupid will get mad at the smart for hating America."
- Ars Richteria, 3:32
This thread is awesome!
"For every little engine that could, there's 100 little engines that couldn't, all of whom rolled backwards down the hill uncontrollably, crashing at the bottom and spilling cargo and passengers all over the landscape like gory piles of silly string. Failure is always an option, even when it's not an option."
- Tucson Codex, 7:28
15. No matter how thin you slice it, it's still baloney.
16. Taking guff from people who exist only to give guff is not a virtue. At some point, forebearance becomes indistinguishable from timidity.
17. To define realism as pessimism is to reject empirical evidence; to define pessimism as realism is puerile.
"When the State puts so much time and effort into looking out for criminals, it'd be a terrible waste not to give them what they want. The same goes for churches looking for sinners, and beggars looking for spare change."
HAM FOR THE HAM GOD
STRESS FOR THE STRESS GOD
UNNNNG FOR THE RAGE GOD
"Thou shalt strut through the Vale, and fear no hater; for Your Library is with me, and if fuckers step thou shalt read thy bitches to filth."
-The book of Fabulous, 15:8-9
"Thou Shalt Remember What Friday Evening is For, and Keep it Holy."
- The book of Fabulous, 12:18
"This is My vodka. Drink it and get on the dance floor, hunty."
- The Book of Fabulous, 4:87
"Speed limits are for the unworthy, blunt objects for the unclean. Dance floors are for the Devine."
- The Book of Fabulous 10:17
(see wut I did thar?)
:lulz:
"Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't paranoid, too. Is it not written: The entire world operates on ancient butthurt and paranoia? Watch thy back, trust nobody, sleep with one eye open."
- The Tucson Codex 5:32
The wages of sin are pretty damn awesome. The hangover and fallout of sin suck ass. Watch out for that.
-What we learned by getting Murphy Drunk, chapter 6, line 4
Rage is like fucking a lion. Don't be shocked when everyone else lion-fucks back at you. Get ready to sort out a room of VERY pissed off cats too. Is there a point? Yes - Make sure you've got a suitable lion and a proper audience so you don't have to flee the country or get a lawyer.
-What we Learned by Getting Murphy drunk, chapter 2, line 22
Quote from: V3X on October 03, 2013, 07:43:21 PM
"When the State puts so much time and effort into looking out for criminals, it'd be a terrible waste not to give them what they want. The same goes for churches looking for sinners, and beggars looking for spare change."
If special Agent Bravo's job is to find some criminals, he KNOWS his next paycheck doesn't hinge on saying "The people obeyed the law". Hell, Torquemada figured out this shit.
Will there always be lawbreakers? Sure. Does there need to be enforcement? At some level, concievably, yes. Can people in jobs get wires crossed and go from mindful to dogmatic? All the damn time.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 03, 2013, 05:45:12 PM
The degredation of Science is an unforgivable sin.
That is, if "sin" exists.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 03, 2013, 05:48:47 PM
"Sin is the state in which a person exists, if he/she takes extra time out of his/her day to dump on the undeserving in some fashion. To claim that sin doesn't exist is to say that the strong commit no wrong when they victimize the weak."
- Ars Richteria, 3:22
"Your sins, like your sacraments, will not be your neighbor's. Knocking your neighbor's wife up isn't a loophole in this slappy. Everybody fucks up, but puttign energy into it willingly is jsut WRONG."
- Ars Richteria, post it note that fell out when the cat knocked it over.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 03, 2013, 09:21:37 PM
"Speed limits are for the unworthy, blunt objects for the unclean. Dance floors are for the Devine."
- The Book of Fabulous 10:17
(see wut I did thar?)
"Those color changing dance floors? NEVER slam dance on them. They break. Just sayin'"
- What we learned by gettign Muprhy Drunk, chapter 8, line 2
"One day, Richter was walking through The City of Hills, when he came upon a monk. The monk accosted Richter, saying unto him "All of reality is illusion". So Richter hit him with a bar stool.
The next day, Richter was again walking, and was accosted by an anarchist, saying unto Richter, "All property is theft". Richter then stole his wallet.
If Richter meets a man with no shoes, he shall take them from him. If he meets a man who has shoes, he shall give them to him.
I felt bad because I had no shoes, so Richter cut my feet off. I felt bad because I had no feet, so Richter ran me over with his car.
It can always get worse."
Ars Richteria 2:19-21
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 04, 2013, 05:01:01 PM
"One day, Richter was walking through The City of Hills, when he came upon a monk. The monk accosted Richter, saying unto him "All of reality is illusion". So Richter hit him with a bar stool.
The next day, Richter was again walking, and was accosted by an anarchist, saying unto Richter, "All property is theft". Richter then stole his wallet.
If Richter meets a man with no shoes, he shall take them from him. If he meets a man who has shoes, he shall give them to him.
I felt bad because I had no shoes, so Richter cut my feet off. I felt bad because I had no feet, so Richter ran me over with his car.
It can always get worse."
Ars Richteria 2:19-21
:mittens:
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 04, 2013, 05:01:01 PM
"One day, Richter was walking through The City of Hills, when he came upon a monk. The monk accosted Richter, saying unto him "All of reality is illusion". So Richter hit him with a bar stool.
The next day, Richter was again walking, and was accosted by an anarchist, saying unto Richter, "All property is theft". Richter then stole his wallet.
If Richter meets a man with no shoes, he shall take them from him. If he meets a man who has shoes, he shall give them to him.
I felt bad because I had no shoes, so Richter cut my feet off. I felt bad because I had no feet, so Richter ran me over with his car.
It can always get worse."
Ars Richteria 2:19-21
Can I throw this in the margins on Holy Nonsense? I'm stripping out the questionable use stuff and I have soooooooo many gaps.
ALSO THIS IS AMAZING.
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on October 04, 2013, 09:40:58 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 04, 2013, 05:01:01 PM
"One day, Richter was walking through The City of Hills, when he came upon a monk. The monk accosted Richter, saying unto him "All of reality is illusion". So Richter hit him with a bar stool.
The next day, Richter was again walking, and was accosted by an anarchist, saying unto Richter, "All property is theft". Richter then stole his wallet.
If Richter meets a man with no shoes, he shall take them from him. If he meets a man who has shoes, he shall give them to him.
I felt bad because I had no shoes, so Richter cut my feet off. I felt bad because I had no feet, so Richter ran me over with his car.
It can always get worse."
Ars Richteria 2:19-21
Can I throw this in the margins on Holy Nonsense? I'm stripping out the questionable use stuff and I have soooooooo many gaps.
ALSO THIS IS AMAZING.
If Richter has no problem with it, I have no problem with it.
I lied, it's taking up a whole page:
(http://i.imgur.com/mmugrdc.jpg)
(pending approval for publishing, of course)
:lulz:
A prospective disciple came before Richter.
"If you have no sword, go out and sell your pants to buy one. Then come back here and give it to me." the disciple was told.
The disciple came back pantless and armed, presenting the sword to Richter.
Richter looked at him dubiously, and counted to three as an act of pointless optimism. He then took the sword and stabbed the disciple in the balls.
"I trust I've made my point" he said to the other petiioners of his free time.
Their groans were the exact sound of enlightenment.
RICHTER, CAN I USE THE THING?
OH YEAH.
I'm amazed a sword can cost as much as a pair of pants.
You get get a sword for the cost of a meal. You can get a pair of pants for the same. If you care about what you're doing in either, you spent more.
Ars Richtera - footnotes
Working on a massive rant about music and the arts. Will copy here.
BUENO.
Note to young men:
You may hear some noise from these people or groups talking more about "Manliness". Like character, integrity, strength, or proper use of testosterone are some kind of fine lost art.
They're NOT.
Growing your chin pubes won't do shit.
Carrying a pocketknife won't do shit.
Suspenders, pipe smoking, bourbn drinking, gun shooting board nailing, woods walking, Jack Londoning, Melville, Kipling, Kennedy, striahgt razoring, Masons, turkish baths and Indian clubs won't do SHIT EITHER.
That little voice in the back of your head - the one that you disregard because it sounds like daddy or grandaddy - that tells you to do something because it's "Right" or "responsible" - start there.
If you don't have this voice find a role model.
Quote from: Richter on October 08, 2013, 01:07:32 AM
Note to young men:
You may hear some noise from these people or groups talking more about "Manliness". Like character, integrity, strength, or proper use of testosterone are some kind of fine lost art.
They're NOT.
Growing your chin pubes won't do shit.
Carrying a pocketknife won't do shit.
Suspenders, pipe smoking, bourbn drinking, gun shooting board nailing, woods walking, Jack Londoning, Melville, Kipling, Kennedy, striahgt razoring, Masons, turkish baths and Indian clubs won't do SHIT EITHER.
That little voice in the back of your head - the one that you disregard because it sounds like daddy or grandaddy - that tells you to do something because it's "Right" or "responsible" - start there.
If you don't have this voice find a role model.
:crankey:
:lol:
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 08, 2013, 01:08:48 AM
Quote from: Richter on October 08, 2013, 01:07:32 AM
Note to young men:
You may hear some noise from these people or groups talking more about "Manliness". Like character, integrity, strength, or proper use of testosterone are some kind of fine lost art.
They're NOT.
Growing your chin pubes won't do shit.
Carrying a pocketknife won't do shit.
Suspenders, pipe smoking, bourbn drinking, gun shooting board nailing, woods walking, Jack Londoning, Melville, Kipling, Kennedy, striahgt razoring, Masons, turkish baths and Indian clubs won't do SHIT EITHER.
That little voice in the back of your head - the one that you disregard because it sounds like daddy or grandaddy - that tells you to do something because it's "Right" or "responsible" - start there.
If you don't have this voice find a role model.
:crankey:
:lol:
Ever see a college student with a lumberjack beard try to choke down a double shot of rye, wincing at every sip? It's crap like that.
I'm still trying to put my finger on the other side of the equation
Quote from: Richter on October 08, 2013, 01:19:23 AM
I'm still trying to put my finger on the other side of the equation
(https://scontent-a-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/487981_613762992009724_1407430329_n.jpg)
Cramulus once spoke "Some people really fuck up their dicks"
There was context, we swear.
Upon reflection, how does this serve as a metaphor for the adult males life. Each one a history of the destruction of his dick.
So Spake Richter
Idiot proof anything well enough and life will oblige with a finer idiot.
Any science fiction series, written long enough, will degenerate to everything being saved by weird space sex. (Niven and Herbert, we're looking at YOU.)
Keep your hands to yourselves or you won't be allowed to have any.
Yes I'm evil, but does that make me a bad person?
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 03, 2013, 10:21:19 PM
"Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't paranoid, too. Is it not written: The entire world operates on ancient butthurt and paranoia? Watch thy back, trust nobody, sleep with one eye open."
- The Tucson Codex 5:32
Likely developed concurrent, yet independent to Richterrian Standard Operating Procedure #2
The music rants, so far:
Part 1
In The Beginning, there was The Club, and the semi-erect hominid howled and invented the drum solo on the skull of the bigger, meaner ape who was after the same female ape. That's how it all started, really. Music was born, but it was largely a collection of dull thuds and cracking rocks. It kinda sucked.
A million years went by. People behaved very badly. It wasn't because of a devil or original sin or whatever, it was because people are monkeys and monkeys are dicks. Eventually, The Gods grew weary of the dickishness, and cursed the people so that they could see their fate...Much like the cyclops, but not in
detail. No, alone among the animals, humans understood that they were on a great conveyor belt; born at one end, and the sounds of a coffin closing at the other. Everyone knew this, but you don't really
believe it until you're in your 40s.
Now, mankind had to do a couple of things in response to this curse. First, they had to survive while on the conveyor belt (this is what we call "industry" or "work" or "a job, hippie"). Second, humans had to find some sort of way to forget that horrible final noise at the end of the conveyor. This was really, really important, because humans had an instinct that told them if they paid too much attention to that noise, they'd become depressing and nihilistic, and nobody would invite them to parties.
So music, among other forms of art, was improved upon. You still had the club, of course, but you also had the bow, so people started messing with stringed instruments. Mandolins. Hurdy Gurdys. Lyres. Music
really sucked for a long, long time (and still does, if you're willing to shell out $30 to watch geeks eat mud pies at "renne faires").
At some point, a GENIUS monkey decided it might be a good idea to MIX the club and the bow. The first proto-piano was born. At this point, it was possible to make something resembling modern music. But the music was almost immediately hammered into very tight formulas by the boss monkeys (this was to be repeated forever), for ritualized dances at their palaces.
And then Punk was born. Punk was born the first time a monkey said "I like this music stuff, but I don't like it YOUR way. I'm going to do it MY way." This revolution, once ignited, spread like wildfire. Before you knew it, you had Wolfgang Mozart and Beethoven and all their pals yelling "FUCK YOU, OLD MAN! I'LL DO IT
MY WAY!" Suddenly, you had rulers paying them to make the music they WANTED to make, because - frankly - they were simply too talented to kill off.
Music was sorta better for a few hundred years. But at some point, one group of humans in North America had decided that it would be good idea if they made another group of humans do all their shit-work. They'd killed off most of the humans who were there before them (and who didn't make very good slaves at all, when you come right down to it), so they imported humans from another area. These humans had spent most of the preceding history isolated from the main groups of history, and they had their own languages, culture...and, mostly, music. Then they more or less performed forced labor for 400 or so years. This made life miserable, so they improved their music.
Then there was a not-at-all confusing war over some very confusing subjects. The slaves were freed...But by no means were they equal. They got shat upon for more than a century afterward, which caused their culture to grow even FASTER, because culture = human creativity + human misery + time. Eventually, the dominant race found out about this music.
There were two reactions. The younger of the group fell instantly in love with the music the ex-slaves produced, because their own music was sterile, basically a rehash of the awful old shit played to the kings back in the day. The older primates frowned upon this music and it was denounced from the pulpit as being immoral. This, of course, only made the youngsters want it more.
Jazz was born. You remember jazz. Good old haven't done anything since 1940 jazz. And in 1940, after a couple of decades in labor, it gave birth to the blues, which gave birth to R&B, which gave birth to rock n roll.
And with each iteration, the previous generation bemoaned the death of REAL music. Oh, the music they were talking about WAS slain, by Chuck Berry and Duke Ellington and of course Elvis Presley and The Beatles and so on...But it wasn't the REAL music that was dead, it was the stale old zombie music that the older folks didn't want to let go of,
because it now reminded them of when they were further back up the conveyor, and the horrible noise at the end wasn't as clear.It was during this time that the record companies had formed. Music existed to make more music; recording companies existed to make money. This unholy combination meant that more music WAS made, but only music PROVEN TO SELL. The results were fairly predictable. Every time something new managed to wiggle its way on stage and succeed, countless copies of it were made by competing recording contracts.
It now became necessary for the old guard to be killed in order for the new music to flourish.
And so rock gave way to heavy metal (a he-man style of music that involved wearing tights and cosmetics and singing sappy love ballads), which in turn was slain by a completely different art form, mockery (Beavis and Butthead). This allowed some loser named Kurt Cobain to drag a pack of sniveling Seattle jackasses out into broad daylight. He then shot himself, and the scene was left open again.
By this point, the descendants of the slaves had noticed that THEIR music had left them for another man. So they did Motown, which was more or less re-hashed R&B. They flailed around a bit, got lost in the disco swamp for a while, and then THEY DID IT. They went out and invented rap, which gave birth to hip hop. Hip hop pissed EVERYONE off, even - especially - the shitnecks who had claimed the title "Punk" for themselves, back in 1977, by telling EVERYONE to fuck off. Police? Fuck off. Powerful and self-satisfied white folks? Fuck off. White kids, looking to join in? FUCK OFF.
It was a hell of a time, and it was PUNK AS FUCK, and it allowed people like Chuck D to yell a lot. That yelling was kind of necessary. But, after a time, the recording companies got their hands of these guys as well.
And the recording companies knew how to take "PUNK AS FUCK" and turn it into "pop" by this point. Oh, yes.
A few other things happened, but they're basically just repeats of the stuff I mentioned above. But the end result is, every musical scene goes flat (faster if the recording companies are involved), and has to be killed to make way for the next wave. Unless you want to start thinking about that horrible noise up ahead (which ain't so far ahead, these days).
But there's always a few who don't want to let go, isn't there?
Part 2
One phenomena that has always made me laugh is when you get a bunch of people standing around arguing about which music is "authentic". What the hell does that even
mean? I mean besides the obvious message, which is "we are going to demonstrate why we are more knowledgeable than you on this subject".
Music is art, and art is almost wholly subjective. That's the whole point. There's nothing "authentic" about it...If people LIKE it and LISTEN to it, then it has accomplished its goal. This is why music critics are both wholly unnecesarry and also full of shit. If you need someone to tell you what music you should like, then you should probably just fling yourself off a cliff.
Hell, even King Crimson has fans, right? Granted, they are all themselves musicians, and they seem to like it because it lets them discuss technique and other inside shit. They're basically like a travelling engineering convention, when you get right down to it. Same with Tower of Power. And you know what? Good on 'em. There's nothing wrong with targeting your own industry. Point is, someone
enjoys it, whether or not they enjoy the music itself, or the "technique" discussions.
Now, calling something "garbage" is pretty damn arrogant. You can call it "stale", "derivative", or whatever, and be accurate. But "garbage" is imposing your personal opinion on other people. You are in essence stating that they enjoy the
wrong things, as defined by you. If nothing else, it's an insult.
"Stale", though, stale is a different matter. Art that is repetitive, that is never challenged, becomes flat. It fails to serve its purpose, which is to change your emotional state. Art cannot be static and remain art. This is WHY jazz is deader than yesterday's fish sandwich, and why pop has to have its knees shot off every few years or so.
This isn't to say that there aren't classics. People still listen to Wagner. People still listen to Elton John. People for some reason still listen to The Beatles. Reason being, some samples of genres are so good that they maintain their ability to change your emotional state decades or even centuries after they're made.
"Derivative", on the other hand, is another way of saying "influenced by" or sometimes even "copied from". Right now, country music is busy copying every pop song made in the 80s. Taylor Swift is a good example of this, as is the latest rash of male country performers.
Both derivative and stale music points toward a cultural stagnation. Nothing new is generated, nothing original exists to startle people. The reason this happens is both cultural inertia ("old Aerosmith is the only Aerosmith worth listening to", or "music was far better when I was a teen"), which is usually the voice of those that are Too Damned Old...Or it is the result of a timid recording industry (which is currently being countered by the ability of small organizations to record on their own).
Part 3
Thing about being around artists of any kind is, you're going to meet some interesting people. Back in 1985 or so, there was a joint in Chicago called The Cabaret Metro. It was an awful little shithole of a place, but I saw Lou Reed there, and Black Flag, and a bunch of other great acts. The only constant there was Jerry the Skinhead.
Jerry was this skinny little guy who bounced for the place. Bald, Doc Martins, stripey pants, suspenders, white tee shirt. And his smile. He spent the entire evening on a folding chair, watching the crowd with this horrid little smile that said "I'll be wearing this smile when I beat you to death. It won't change a bit." He scared the living blue Jesus out of all of us. There were never any fights, and that was a rough fucking crowd, even for the 80s.
The Metro wouldn't have been the same experience without him, which only goes to show that in the world of art, it's the personalities that really make the difference, even if that personality is a 2mm deep smear of glee and homicidal mania.
And it's usually personality that determines who the next big thing is. Example: Madonna vs Cindi Lauper. That contest (which wasn't bitter or even recognized, I think, at the time) determined music's direction for about 5 years or so. Cindi Lauper had a better voice, this amazing range, but she fell down flat when she allowed herself to be defined by
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun...While Madonna moved from teeny bopper to one "shock" after another. When she made the video for
Like a Prayer, her career was sealed, because EVERYONE had an opinion on her at that point. Not only the burning crosses thing, but she made suckface with Thank You Black Jesus. And everyone was like "HEY! JESUS WASN'T BLACK! AND WHY'S THAT THERE WHITE WOMAN MAKIN' KISSY FACE WITH HIM?" Pissed EVERYONE off, usually for multiple reasons. Cindi Lauper was never heard from again. Which is kind of a shame. She seemed so nice.
It's hard to remember how disturbing that video was when it came out, given that by today's standards, it was pretty small potatoes. But at the time it gave people the screaming jimjams, and
that's what most people want in their art. They WANT to hate it, to get really, really fucking angry. They WANT to be upset...Just so they can remember what an honest emotion FEELS like. And they weren't going to get that shit from The Beach Boys, that's for fucking sure. There's a band that came out of the gate stale. Wait, they get a chapter all to themselves, because they were so fucking awful. So, yeah, that's next.
Part 4
The Scum Also Rises
The Beach Boys formed in 1961, to sing to people in 1951. They WERE the 50s. Wholesomely dressed young men singing wholesome songs, and getting insanely fucked up when nobody was looking. Their music was stale, the only song they ever sang that meant anything (
Sloop John B) was an unattributed blatant rip off of a West Indies traditional song.
They sang about hot rods, surfing, and women...Nice and safe "rebellions". Absolutely sterile. They were as fucking vanilla as it gets, and catered to their audience's PARENTS, who were, after all, the ones buying the records for the little darlings. And the parents were glad to do so, because THIS:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/19/Sullivan_Beach_Boys.jpg
...Wasn't dangerous. It was SAFE. The alternative, THIS:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/ef/Chuck_Berry_1971.JPG/497px-Chuck_Berry_1971.JPG
...Didn't look quite so wholesome, so SAFE.
In fact, it is my argument that The Beach Boys and all the other Jan & Dean rip-offs were what directly led to the acid rock movement. Society had narrowed it's value of "acceptable" til it became fashionable to be a reject. Also, the Boomers had figured out that it was easier to get girls into bed with them if they were on quaaludes instead of a beach blanket.
The really SAD thing is that The Beach Boys have dragged on, zombie-like, to this very day, even after the only member of the band that could actually surf drowned.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/eb/The_Beach_Boys%2C_May_29%2C_2012.jpg/800px-The_Beach_Boys%2C_May_29%2C_2012.jpg
Make it stop. For the love of God, make it stop.
Part 5
Corporate Whores
First off, let me say that *I* am a corporate whore. I work for a multinational, and I'd be willing to bet that I actually make more money at it - for less work - than the vast bulk of recording artists. And that ain't saying much.
There's a reason that corporate music sells, incidentally. Several, really. The financial backing and technology are available to make decent studio recordings. The support in the form of songwriters, etc, is right there. And because these things are in place, the evil corporate masters can be a little choosy when it comes to basic competence in the artists in question (though this is hardly infallible).
The main reason most people who hate corporate music hate it is that it's COMMONLY AVAILABLE. Everyone knows what you're talking about when you mention them. You aren't SPECIAL, because you didn't have to go to some moldy-ass flooded basement to hear the band playing their instruments badly in a room whose accoustics are about the same as my fucking bathroom. It's hard to sound knowledgable when any damn fool can bop down to the WalMart and buy the album, right?
That isn't to say that there isn't an element of soulessness in corporate music. Typically, the best corporate music (Elton John/Bernie Taupin) have the most control over their own projects. You've got a production team whose exec has a veto, but for the most part, proven money-makers are left alone unless they're about to fuck it all up (Warrant's
Cherry Pie album was originally intended to be called
Uncle Tom's Cabin, but an exec with a better-than-usual amount of common sense put a stop to that).
But to state that ALL corporate music sucks is to state that 99.9999 of available music sucks, and to say THAT is like stapling the Brad Pitt hat directly to your skull, and pedaling your tallbike off into a glorious future of really shitty, but really
underground music.
Part 6
Art critics are basically the carbuncles of the art world. This isn't because they are bad people (though every one I've ever met has been a shitbag of enormous proportions), but rather because - like art - art criticism is market-driven. No critic ever made a name by stating the obvious (though in some cases, they don't have much choice...For example, the last 3 Star Wars flicks made).
No, they have to basically be contrarian to sell their columns, or else they have to take something everyone already KNOWS is shit, and grind the artist's face in their own poop long after doing so has stopped being useful (yes, we knew the Nickleback album was gonna suck. We knew this. Thank you for wasting our time.).
The first thing to remember about critics is that critics are failed artists. Either they tried and failed, or they didn't have the guts or the work ethic to do art...Though usually they still play at it, or talk about their latest "ongoing work" (that never actually gets completed) at parties, to people desperately trying to escape. As a result, they hate artists, and will spend hours or days trying to find a reason why any given
successful artist is crapulous. As we've seen, this will include made up definitions for standard terms, accusations of inauthenticity, and casual dismissal of anyone making money as "corporate whores", etc.
Everyone has seen the above (except for the critics themselves, of course) in action. The real question is, if I am forced to talk to an art critic - at a party, for example - what do I do? My advice at this point would be to roll up a newspaper and beat the critic to death with it. Yes, killing a man with a rolled-up newspaper takes real effort, but you and I both know the motivation to do so will overcome any considerations of time and effort. You have to be firm about this sort of thing. You have to say "NO" and then
follow through, so the other critics
understand, otherwise they'll be on your doorstep at 2 AM, with a stupid smile on their face and their pants around their ankles.
So, you know, if you want to know if a piece of art is GOOD, my suggestion is that you LOOK at it or LISTEN to it YOURSELF, and FORM YOUR OWN OPINION. If there is significant risk involved, you can send me a copy of the art and $300, and I'll let you know. This allows you to protect your family from pictures of poker-playing dogs, Puddle of Mud videos, etc. Safety first.
Thanks for compiling these!
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 14, 2013, 07:52:51 PM
Thanks for compiling these!
No problem. I felt the need to separate them from the thread about holist that I foolishly posted them in.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 07:53:58 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 14, 2013, 07:52:51 PM
Thanks for compiling these!
No problem. I felt the need to separate them from the thread about holist that I foolishly posted them in.
I SEE WHUT U DID THAR.
#6 is so true.
Quote from: Not Your Nigel on October 14, 2013, 10:39:41 PM
#6 is so true.
There was this guy, Noah Antwiler, who used to do a movie review in the back of
Knights of the Dinner Table, back in the day. He was HILARIOUSLY BAD at it, and the letters to the editor EVERY MONTH had people sticking up for him or DEMANDING that his column be removed. Every 2 months or so, there were at least 2 people who cancelled their subscription because of him.
Because of a 1-2 page column that was FILLER in the back of a comic/gaming magazine.
Critics like that are GEMS. I'd laugh my ass off every month, during proof-reading. He wasn't pretentious or arrogant, he was just REALLY REALLY BAD at dissecting a movie. The ONE time he made sense (his justifiably brutal review for the 3rd Pirates movie, long after I left), resulted in a dozen cancellations.
And he was one of the GOOD ones. He was doing it for fun, with no educational background or any work experience in film. He made bad reviews an art form of its own, though I am certain that this was only partially intentional.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 10:47:36 PM
Quote from: Not Your Nigel on October 14, 2013, 10:39:41 PM
#6 is so true.
There was this guy, Noah Antwiler, who used to do a movie review in the back of Knights of the Dinner Table, back in the day. He was HILARIOUSLY BAD at it, and the letters to the editor EVERY MONTH had people sticking up for him or DEMANDING that his column be removed. Every 2 months or so, there were at least 2 people who cancelled their subscription because of him.
Because of a 1-2 page column that was FILLER in the back of a comic/gaming magazine.
Critics like that are GEMS. I'd laugh my ass off every month, during proof-reading. He wasn't pretentious or arrogant, he was just REALLY REALLY BAD at dissecting a movie. The ONE time he made sense (his justifiably brutal review for the 3rd Pirates movie, long after I left), resulted in a dozen cancellations.
And he was one of the GOOD ones. He was doing it for fun, with no educational background or any work experience in film. He made bad reviews an art form of its own, though I am certain that this was only partially intentional.
That sounds rather lovely.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 10:47:36 PM
Quote from: Not Your Nigel on October 14, 2013, 10:39:41 PM
#6 is so true.
There was this guy, Noah Antwiler, who used to do a movie review in the back of Knights of the Dinner Table, back in the day. He was HILARIOUSLY BAD at it, and the letters to the editor EVERY MONTH had people sticking up for him or DEMANDING that his column be removed. Every 2 months or so, there were at least 2 people who cancelled their subscription because of him.
Because of a 1-2 page column that was FILLER in the back of a comic/gaming magazine.
Critics like that are GEMS. I'd laugh my ass off every month, during proof-reading. He wasn't pretentious or arrogant, he was just REALLY REALLY BAD at dissecting a movie. The ONE time he made sense (his justifiably brutal review for the 3rd Pirates movie, long after I left), resulted in a dozen cancellations.
And he was one of the GOOD ones. He was doing it for fun, with no educational background or any work experience in film. He made bad reviews an art form of its own, though I am certain that this was only partially intentional.
He's still doing a mixture of movie and game reviews. I check his site a couple times a month for new stuff.
Lots of troofpaste there. I especially like the bit about the packaged sterility of institution music. And Jazz
I am also reminded of the time the General Stuart tried to engage me in a meaningful conversation about Christianity. I started reciting the previous mentioned "Like a Prayer" to him. Each line was a response to something he'd say. I was through the chorus before he caught on.
Quote from: Richter on October 15, 2013, 01:48:08 AM
Lots of troofpaste there. I especially like the bit about the packaged sterility of institution music. And Jazz
I am also reminded of the time the General Stuart tried to engage me in a meaningful conversation about Christianity. I started reciting the previous mentioned "Like a Prayer" to him. Each line was a response to something he'd say. I was through the chorus before he caught on.
:lol:
Sort of a real-life "THE WHOLE THING" troll.
:lol:
"Never loose sight o what your condition of victory is for a given situation. It may not pay to be the last badass standing, if the game was who has more beer left after the fracas."
Quote from: Richter on October 15, 2013, 03:38:17 AM
"Never loose sight o what your condition of victory is for a given situation. It may not pay to be the last badass standing, if the game was who has more beer left after the fracas."
"When playing drinking games, play to lose."
- Chuck Kaiser (1969-1992)
Part 7
The 80s were a brutal decade. It was a decade that punched you in the face every time you turned around. Reagan and Haig, the Washington Wives, Bush sr bitching about Ice T, and BAD FUCKING MUSIC. The 80s were essentially sterile, with even the greats (Elton John, Metallica, etc) producing rehashed shit that was about as new as the boils on my ass.
There were, however, a few glimmers of light. Kirsty McColl, Don Feldman, and - of course - The Talking Heads. David Byrne was the perfect man for the 80s. While Reagan preached nuclear doom, Byrne was explaining to us that what the world REALLY needed was giant lizards stomping around and killer pyromaniac midgets. What the hell is not to love about that?
Now, while some of their tracks were pretty banal (
Stop Making Sense), you also had
Life During Wartime, Pyschokiller, and
Road To Nowhere. Like it or hate it, it was ORIGINAL. It was NEW, and a lot of thought and effort had obviously been put into it. Some of it was danceable (
Burning Down the House and
Wild, Wild Life, for example), a lot of it wasn't. But what it definitely wasn't, was a rehash of Goddamn Pink Floyd or Iron Butterfly or Bad Company, or any of the other awful museum pieces that staggered out of the 70s.
One thing that made them interesting was that you couldn't copy them. They couldn't be hammered into a template for cloning, because the genius of the band was locked in David Byrne's spectacularly brain-damaged head. They were here, we enjoyed them, they left. BEFORE THEY GOT STALE.
And that's kind of an accomplishment in itself. Know when to exit stage left, and try something new.
A lot of bands could have profited from their example in that respect.
Also, David Byrne is somehow still hot.
He's touring with Saint Vincent right now after they put out an album together.
Roger, you've mentioned you're a Lana del Ray fan - check out Saint Vincent, if you haven't yet. I think you'll like her style.
Deacon Richter's Epistle to the "Don't be a Dick" ians
OK, so you've got a catchy re-take on the golden rule. Bravo, it's catchy, and I can't hate it. Here's a few things you all should keep in mind though:
DO it right, do it all the time. Not just around your buddies. That traffic rage? loose it. Trust me here, if you're about being a laid back, cool guy with the "don't be a dick" creed, then the lost strife won't bug you much.
It isn't cosmic bargaining. Just like all the other ones. When your shit gets jacked and you're howling to the heavens; remember, they owe you nothing. You have not gotten on the good side of probability with your ways. At most, you OUGHT to be cultivating the freinds and social support to help out when stuff does go bad. THAT is the closest thing to an immediate return on "karma" this side of the grave.
That's it, have fun, and I look forward to your near-inevitable slide to dogma.
The truth that can be spoken is the only one that some of these assholes are going to hear!
Ars Richterra, the drunk3n napkin scribbles
The Whiskey Rules
1. Shots are for po'buckers in loser bars. You put the whiskey in a tumbler and sip at it. You get the taste, you get the burn, and you don't get wrecked unless you're patient.
2. Chugging whiskey should be a capital offense. Fortunately, nature designed things so that this is largely the case.
3. Whiskey is manly in inverse proportion to its price. Maker's Mark is average. Below that is chest hair, above that is guys named Trevor who somehow escaped the server room.
4. Whiskey is not designed to be mixed or adulterated with any other substance. This includes ice. Whiskey neat is the only way to maintain a state of grace. Using whiskey in mixed drinks is the road to perdition.
5. Whiskey won't cure you, but you won't care.
6. Rye is not whiskey, no matter who says so. Rye is a foul concoction that is fit only for cleaning engine parts and/or consumption by Canadians, who don't know any better.
7. You will never see a Humphrey Bogart movie in which a "chaser" is involved in any way with whiskey. This is worth mentioning, because Humphrey Bogart is the FINAL AUTHORITY on whiskey.
8. The only non-Bogart movie that took whiskey seriously was
Inglorious Bastards.
9. Proof of whiskey's superiority is that we won the cold war against vodka-drinking Russkis. End of story.
10. Whiskey makes you stupid. Of course it makes you stupid. If you didn't want to be stupid, you wouldn't be drinking toxic liquids in the first place. Stop being so fucking American™ and just admit that you're hammered.
- From
Tucson Wisdom as written by Doctor Howl, just prior to his death.
:lulz: I like #3 and #6 the best.
I will note that there is an exception to #7, which is the beer back. Not really a "chaser", it's a BACK. In Oregon, the bartenders are legally required to serve you a back on request at no extra charge. The back is usually beer, and depending on the bartender and how much they love you, it might take the form of four ounces of PBR, or a pint of decent ale.
I have one friend who walked into a bar and ordered a bourbon with a tequila back. They gave it to him.
Quote from: Not Your Nigel on October 21, 2013, 09:49:48 PM
:lulz: I like #3 and #6 the best.
I will note that there is an exception to #7, which is the beer back. Not really a "chaser", it's a BACK. In Oregon, the bartenders are legally required to serve you a back on request at no extra charge. The back is usually beer, and depending on the bartender and how much they love you, it might take the form of four ounces of PBR, or a pint of decent ale.
I have one friend who walked into a bar and ordered a bourbon with a tequila back. They gave it to him.
This custom sounds strange and foreign, and can only lead to a decline in American Values™.
Anyway, I'm gonna etch these in titanium down at Xerocraft.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 21, 2013, 09:51:35 PM
Quote from: Not Your Nigel on October 21, 2013, 09:49:48 PM
:lulz: I like #3 and #6 the best.
I will note that there is an exception to #7, which is the beer back. Not really a "chaser", it's a BACK. In Oregon, the bartenders are legally required to serve you a back on request at no extra charge. The back is usually beer, and depending on the bartender and how much they love you, it might take the form of four ounces of PBR, or a pint of decent ale.
I have one friend who walked into a bar and ordered a bourbon with a tequila back. They gave it to him.
This custom sounds strange and foreign, and can only lead to a decline in American Values™.
Anyway, I'm gonna etch these in titanium down at Xerocraft.
That is a GREAT idea!
The back is designed to slow down the rate at which people drink straight liquor, but as far as I can tell it instead serves as something to slam while you're waiting for the bartender to notice that you're ready to order again. It's like a free extra drunk nugget.
You don't have beer backs in Arizonaland?
Quote from: Not Your Nigel on October 22, 2013, 01:09:52 AM
The back is designed to slow down the rate at which people drink straight liquor, but as far as I can tell it instead serves as something to slam while you're waiting for the bartender to notice that you're ready to order again. It's like a free extra drunk nugget.
You don't have beer backs in Arizonaland?
No, the words "free drink" are typically followed by "arrrrrg", here, and then by a long arc through the air in a short room.
I feel like buying whiskey.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 21, 2013, 09:32:11 PM
The Whiskey Rules
1. Shots are for po'buckers in loser bars. You put the whiskey in a tumbler and sip at it. You get the taste, you get the burn, and you don't get wrecked unless you're patient.
2. Chugging whiskey should be a capital offense. Fortunately, nature designed things so that this is largely the case.
3. Whiskey is manly in inverse proportion to its price. Maker's Mark is average. Below that is chest hair, above that is guys named Trevor who somehow escaped the server room.
4. Whiskey is not designed to be mixed or adulterated with any other substance. This includes ice. Whiskey neat is the only way to maintain a state of grace. Using whiskey in mixed drinks is the road to perdition.
5. Whiskey won't cure you, but you won't care.
6. Rye is not whiskey, no matter who says so. Rye is a foul concoction that is fit only for cleaning engine parts and/or consumption by Canadians, who don't know any better.
7. You will never see a Humphrey Bogart movie in which a "chaser" is involved in any way with whiskey. This is worth mentioning, because Humphrey Bogart is the FINAL AUTHORITY on whiskey.
8. The only non-Bogart movie that took whiskey seriously was Inglorious Bastards.
9. Proof of whiskey's superiority is that we won the cold war against vodka-drinking Russkis. End of story.
10. Whiskey makes you stupid. Of course it makes you stupid. If you didn't want to be stupid, you wouldn't be drinking toxic liquids in the first place. Stop being so fucking American™ and just admit that you're hammered.
- From Tucson Wisdom as written by Doctor Howl, just prior to his death.
BRILLIANT.
1. They make shots in weird fucking flavors. Drinking hard liquor in a way that lets you forget you're drinking hard liquor is lying to yourself.
2. WHEN?
3. RAH.
4. RAH!
5. It's "MEDICINE". Our language does not have a sufficiently complex comprehension of "MEDICINE". The chinese concept of "Fortune" comes close.
6. Refer back to the server room guy trying to prove he has chest hair.
7. See my response to #1. If you need to drink to forget your drank you're getting something wrong.
8. YES.
9. Still not sure what to use vodka for other than brewing projects. I think it's there to keep amateurs AWAY FROM MY STUFF.
10. RRRAAHHH!
"The nail that sticks up gets the tyranids."
- Ars Richteria, footnotes.
"The squeaky wheel gets rough handling to it's lugnuts with dirty power tools"
Needs MOAR.
"T'was gaping like a pike, barbed by winged lore"
- Overheard in reading Ars Richteria, glossolalia.
I forgot how good this thread was!
Bumping for consolidation into Ars Richteria.
The two statements, "This problem isn't going to fix itself" and "Yeah, well, it's not going anywhere" are often BOTH wrong.