PI with Malice Aforethought: Tucson Edition

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Part 1

The police detective came into the interrogation room, along with a man in That Suit.  Sure enough, the cop says "This is Agent Morris from the Department of Homeland Security.  He and I are going to give you exactly ONE chance to come clean.  What the fuck happened last weekend?"

"Well, it's like this..."

Jenn and Heather had decided on a girl's night out.  No big deal, I figured Jimmy and I could play some first-person shooters or something and let the girls use my car instead of Jimmy's fucked up old truck.  Talk about a hooptie...That truck doesn't get miles per gallon, it gets gallons per mile.  Anyway.  The girls announced that we men were going to drive and fetch drinks.  Okay, no big deal, right?

I knew it was gonna be one of THOSE kinda nights, when Heather announced that Missy was coming along.  I could feel the ice forming in my guts instantly.  Missy, at first glance, is a 95 pound woman, stands about 4'10", with a nice big smile.  What that doesn't tell you is that Missy is a rabid roller derby player, the terror of the rink.  Bigger girls try to knock her over, and suddenly they're over the rail with no idea how they got there.  She wears her skates everywhere she goes.  Probably wears 'em in the shower.

Everyone met at Heather & Jimmy's place, and we had a drink before heading out.  So far, everything seemed normal, but I knew it couldn't last.  The first sign of trouble was when we went out to the parking lot to get in the car.  As we passed Missy's car, I thought I heard something...A thumping and maybe a moan from her trunk.  I stopped.

"What the hell was that?"

"Oh, nobody", Missy replied, "Nobody."

I shrugged, and we all piled into my car.  The ladies were in the back seat, and I didn't even have the car in gear before they had a bottle out.  Good Lord, I thought, this is going to get ugly.  I was right.

A half hour later, we're at the Meetrack.  The girls are going to town on the drinks, and they start feeding them to Jimmy and I. 

"Um, I have to drive", I protested.

"We'll just have your daughter pick us up later."

"Are you mad?  Have you seen her drive?"

"Shut up.  Drink."

I downed the shot, and started gasping.  "What the hell was that?"

Heather smiled.  "Whiskey AND."

"Whiskey and what?"

"Whiskey AND."

At some point later, I remember the bartender telling us to get out.  Missy slapped her, and rolled over to our table, and leaned across it towards me, leering.  "Show me", she sang, "to the next whiskey bar".

"Wat"

She slammed her shotglass down on the table and stared at me with this horrible grin.  "I TELL YOU WE MUST DIE."

Heather and Jenn were slapping some hipster around.  The hipster was begging Jimmy and I for help.

"Can't do nothing for ya, man", Jimmy said, putting his jacket on.  We had, after all, just been thrown out, so it would probably be polite to leave.  I figured we'd walk over to 4th avenue, start some trouble there.

"Club Congress", the women shouted.

"On foot?  Fuck that", Jimmy said.

"That's in the Legal District", I added, "The Grabby Girls would have us the moment we stepped off the curb."

"Do we LOOK like we're afraid of the Goddamn Grabby Girls", Jenn asked?

Oh shit.

To be continued.

[LMNO]

AH HA HA HA HA!


Awesome.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

AH HA HA HA HA!


Awesome.

For what it's worth:

Jenn = Nurse Enabler.
Heather = Sister Gothique.
Missy = Missy, the meanest 95 pounds of iron muscle you or I will ever meet.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Barhopping with a roller derby chick story FTW - ANYTHING can happen. Well, at least anything with knocking heads. 

"Oh mooooon of Alabama Arizooooooona..."

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Barhopping with a roller derby chick story FTW - ANYTHING can happen. Well, at least anything with knocking heads. 

"Oh mooooon of Alabama Arizooooooona..."

I'm gonna do a little exposition on Tucson stuff (Grabby Girls, a couple of other things).

For the 3-4 people who will be arsed to read it.   

[Junkenstein]

I'm guessing "grabby girls" is probably different to what I'm thinking.

That said, I think I'm looking forward to finding out.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Barhopping with a roller derby chick story FTW - ANYTHING can happen. Well, at least anything with knocking heads. 

"Oh mooooon of Alabama Arizooooooona..."

I'm gonna do a little exposition on Tucson stuff (Grabby Girls, a couple of other things).

For the 3-4 people who will be arsed to read it.   

F5 zombies aren't even READING anymore?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I'm guessing "grabby girls" is probably different to what I'm thinking.

That said, I think I'm looking forward to finding out.

Grabby Girls are sort of the bogeyman of Tucson. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Barhopping with a roller derby chick story FTW - ANYTHING can happen. Well, at least anything with knocking heads. 

"Oh mooooon of Alabama Arizooooooona..."

I'm gonna do a little exposition on Tucson stuff (Grabby Girls, a couple of other things).

For the 3-4 people who will be arsed to read it.   

F5 zombies aren't even READING anymore?

Who knows?  Who cares?  If they can't be arsed to even say "hello" or anything, they have stopped being "members" and have joined the ranks of the google spiders.

[P3nT4gR4m]

I've been hearing about these Grabby Girls for ages. Can't wait for this

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I've been hearing about these Grabby Girls for ages. Can't wait for this

Planning 5 chapters, one per day this week.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Barhopping with a roller derby chick story FTW - ANYTHING can happen. Well, at least anything with knocking heads. 

"Oh mooooon of Alabama Arizooooooona..."

I'm gonna do a little exposition on Tucson stuff (Grabby Girls, a couple of other things).

For the 3-4 people who will be arsed to read it.   

F5 zombies aren't even READING anymore?

Who knows?  Who cares?  If they can't be arsed to even say "hello" or anything, they have stopped being "members" and have joined the ranks of the google spiders.

Yes, and that Chinese thing that shows up at blogs and forums...Baidu or Bidet or whatever the fuck it is.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Barhopping with a roller derby chick story FTW - ANYTHING can happen. Well, at least anything with knocking heads. 

"Oh mooooon of Alabama Arizooooooona..."

I'm gonna do a little exposition on Tucson stuff (Grabby Girls, a couple of other things).

For the 3-4 people who will be arsed to read it.   

F5 zombies aren't even READING anymore?

Who knows?  Who cares?  If they can't be arsed to even say "hello" or anything, they have stopped being "members" and have joined the ranks of the google spiders.

Yes, and that Chinese thing that shows up at blogs and forums...Baidu or Bidet or whatever the fuck it is.

Baidu.

Thing is, this weird behavior, this voyeuristic behavior, is totally out of control.  I no longer consider PD my primary board anymore - and I'm not alone in this - because it's DEAD.  Plenty of people come here, but they don't DO anything, which is fucking neurotic. 

And if you complain about it, people get all pissy.  But it's gotten to the point where you may as well, because it's not like you're stopping traffic.  How could you?  Nobody says ANYTHING anymore, unless there's some kind of fight going on, and even THOSE have dried up.

This isn't PD anymore, and we should probably change the name of the board.  Maybe to "Catatonia Discordia" or "Avoidance Disorders R Us" or maybe "geocities".

Worst part is, we've dropped below the minimum mass of posts required to keep new blood, even if it does show up. Why?  Because some people are butthurt.  Some other people consider this place television.  Other people are just for whatever reason unable or unwilling to say anything.

The reasons don't matter.  What matters is that the place is fucking dead.  And my guess is, it ain't coming back.

[Payne]

Read this at work, just before the final dash to the finish wherein I can't do anything except all the jobs that have to get done at the end of the day that must all be done as late as possible.

I loved it. I think Bowie always makes a fantastic soundtrack to the beginnings of a spiraling descent into hellish madness.

Looking forward to the rest!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Read this at work, just before the final dash to the finish wherein I can't do anything except all the jobs that have to get done at the end of the day that must all be done as late as possible.

I loved it. I think Bowie always makes a fantastic soundtrack to the beginnings of a spiraling descent into hellish madness.

Looking forward to the rest!

Bowie does, but that was The Doors.