Rant 55: Flying Apples

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Rant 55
Flying Apples

,ÄúWe know you. You,Äôll be saying, ,ÄúNot me. They weren,Äôt talking about me. I,Äôm not like that. I,Äôm not a robot, and no one is my foster parent. I,Äôm my own person,,Äù is what you,Äôll say to yourself over and over and you,Äôll work yourself into a frenzy over it and do you want to know why? BECAUSE IT,ÄôS TRUE, IDIOT! You ARE deluding yourself and you know it, you just won,Äôt admit it, not even to yourself, let alone anybody else.,Äù
-from the Discordian Manifesto #3 (appearing in the AD)

,ÄúAlways contradict yourself in every speech you make. Or don,Äôt.,Äù
-Ho Chi Ho Chi Zen

,ÄúFurther experiments on this topic are encouraged.,Äù
-Tequilarius Malignatus (on the Tequila Gnosis Rite)

,ÄúEris spoke, asking with a smirk on Her face, ,ÄúDo you know why that tequila is yellowish?,Äù But we chose to remain silent, for the mighty mother-buzz of drunkenness  was upon us, and for fear of Her answer. Let her or him with confusion try not to understand.,Äù
¬-from the Book of the Tequila M??stica Cabal

Look at all the headless chickens running around pretending that THEY still have heads as THEY try to control things all the while never seeing for themselves that all their attempts only add to their loss of control. THEY hanker after the Golden Apples we are throwing into their midst because apples are good for people for one thing, and because none of THEM have any fucking clue as to who is the Prettiest One,Äîeach wanting to prove their own bobdamned self as the prettiest one. But we know who the Prettiest One is, and THEY know that we know, in as much as it can be said that THEY know anything, in as much as it can be said that THEY are not in denial, in as much as that,Äôs supposed to mean anything.

By Eris,Äôs alleged Brother Bob, if THEY can,Äôt take a joke, then THEY will take a jake,Äîmore like several jakes! We have our pineal glands, the squirrels, the chipmunks, the pink bunnies, and various groups of certain mice, along with other beings, powers, and elements, to help us in our endeavors,Äîwhether we want the help or not. And then there is Eris. Need I say more?

You know deep down inside, or wherever your heart is these days, that our Holey Operation Mindfuck is the only real War On Terror,Ñ¢ as we try to crack apart the caves of pretentious bullshit that keeps the huddled and DUMBed down masses in their cages of fear as THEY sleepwalk, and stumble zombie-like, their way towards DOOM. And you know that the only reason why we even care about that is because their DOOM may take some of the rest of us with THEM. And we can,Äôt stand for that SHIT. No fucking way are we going to sit and take that! When we find ourselves in shit storms, we pass them the fuck along, all the while tossing our delectable Golden Apples into the fray. (Sometimes it helps to have good hideouts to run back to. And at all times, it certainly doesn,Äôt hurt to have such places.)

If you find yourself in the midst of the black days of depression over the DOOM that THEY wish for you to experience, take those black days, dry THEM out, and smoke THEM up in a blaze of Pineal Glory! Hell, I,Äôll even give you a fucking pipe so that you can enjoy doing so. Remember that this whole damned place is Eris,Äôs Playground and that the Region of Thud,Äîa.k.a. our society,Äîis now our Open Air Discordian Asylum. Not only are we some of the inmates, but we are also some of the wardens, some of the guards, some of the therapists, and most of the dis-orderlies. We are the chefs baking the sweet Apple Pies of Discord and drinking the Golden Apple tinged Tequila that hits our pineal glands with mind-awakening slap of Eris Herself. (I asked Eris about all this one day while basking in a sea of confusion, and She simply told me that Mr. St. Gulik was supposed to answer my questions. Have you seen him around?)

We are the Damned ODD Things that THEY hate because we refuse to stop and fit into their neat little categories of this, that, or the other. We are ODDities who refuse to become commodities for the commodes of their global market fuck boxes. (Can you smell something burning? Don,Äôt worry. That,Äôs just probably us setting something on fire out here so we can have a bonfire to dance around in our splendid heathenanigans tonight.) We laugh at THEM and their alleged leaders because we do truly find it a funny spectacle and what makes it even funnier is that THEY take the whole damned show so seriously. Such hoots are not to be missed.

We throw the Golden Apples of Discord, because we are the Golden Apples of Discord, with KALLISTI written all over ourselves. (Okay, so maybe not all of us are that crazy, but let,Äôs just pretend for the purposes of this little rant.) We are the ones who take life,Äôs lemons and make lemonade vodka drinks for our pleasure. We are the ones who find exploding cups of coffee to be wonderful expressions of Our Lady,Äôs sweet voice. We are the reasons why the Pagans always have a good time at their camp festivals. (Then again, maybe it,Äôs just the beverages we bring with us.) We are the reason why regulars at bars are starting to avoid certain tequilas on account of the memories of exploding urinals and bright neon-hot pink colors seen in their drinks. We are the reason why your brain farts just as you are trying to talk to that attractive person sitting next to you. And if you have a day or a night of peace despite all of the discord, then you are probably one of us,Äîin that event one of Eris,Äôs agents will be contacting you shortly. Just stand still a moment.

We are everything left over when Eris got finished with ,ÄòNot-Us,Äô and we are having a grand time of it. We hail for taxis and Eris shows up with cartons of clove cigarettes and bottles of tequila. We,Äôre going out among THEM with our Golden Apples flying. And then we,Äôre kicking back in our hideouts to watch the fracas from afar. And finally, let none of us forget who the Prettiest One is.

(Bureaucracy 10th, 3170)

[~~~~Closed~~~~]

feeling ranty tonight, are we hugh?

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

feeling ranty tonight, are we hugh?

All the time.