Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Two vast and trunkless legs of stone => Topic started by: Cainad (dec.) on November 18, 2008, 03:55:20 PM

Title: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on November 18, 2008, 03:55:20 PM
This thread is for sharing the worst fucking jokes you know. I'll start.



So there's this fish in a stream, right? And he sees this fly hovering above the water, just out of reach, and he thinks, "man, if that fly would drop just a few inches I could get it."

And then there's this bear next to the stream, looking at the fish, but he can't get it from where he is. He thinks, "Man, if that fly would just drop a few inches, the fish would go for it and I could get the fish!"

Now, there's this hunter hiding in the trees on the other side of the river, and he wants to get the bear, but he can't get a good shot on it. He thinks, "Hey, if that fly drops a few inches, that fish will go for it, the bear will go for the fish, and then the bear will be in a perfect spot for me to hit it!"

And there's this mouse hiding behind the hunter, eyeing the sandwich in his pocket. He thinks, "If that fly drops a few inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go grab the fish, the hunter will move to shoot the bear, and then the sandwich will fall out of the hunter's pocket, where I can get it."

But there's this cat with his eye on the mouse, see. He knows the mouse will dart into its hole if he goes for it now, but then he sees what's going on and thinks, "Woah, if that fly drops a few inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter will drop his sandwich as he moves to shoot the bear, the mouse will go grab the sandwich, and then I'll have it cornered!"

Then it happens! The fly drops a few inches, the fish jumps to get the fly, the bear moves to snatch the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and drops his sandwich, the mouse goes to get the sandwich, and the cat springs to get the mouse. But the cat misses and goes tumbling headfirst into the river, getting completely soaked.


The moral of the story?






It takes a little more than a fly dropping four inches to get a pussy wet.




There's this middle-aged guy who's gone impotent. He decides he wants a permanent fix, rather than taking a pill every time he wants to get it on, so he undergoes this really weird experimental surgery that involves grafting the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant onto his junk.

After healing up from the surgery, he takes his wife out to a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant. The waiter takes their drink orders and leaves a basket of dinner rolls on the table.

All of a sudden, the guy feels this really strange sensation "down there." Since the place is dark and no one's around but his wife, he unzips his fly and tries to see what the hell is going on. His dick snakes out of his pants, grabs a roll, and pulls it back in to his pants. His wife gives him a sly look and says, "Could you do that again?"

He replies, "Probably, but I really don't want another dinner roll shoved up my ass."




Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says, "Wow, it sure is hot in here, isn't it?"
The second muffin says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"




What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple!

What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.




A wife turns to her husband and asks, "Why don't we fly to Hawaii this summer?"

He replies, "Because you're a cunt."




Q: What do you call an Arab who flies a plane?



A: A pilot, you fucking racist.




Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.




What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.




A rather toadish businessman has a wife who is frankly far better looking than he deserves, which consumes him with perpetual jealousy.  However, he must go on a weeklong trip for work and leave her to her own devices.  To test her fidelity, he leaves a jar of cream under the center of their bed.  Right above it under the mattress, he suspends a spoon.  He figures it will have cream on it if she has too much fun while he's away.

A week later he returns home from his trip.  His wife runs up to him in her apron, joyfully embracing and kissing him.  Filled with suspicion he scornfully turns her aside.

"I'll see just how faithful you've been, woman," and rushes to their bedroom.  He reaches under the bed and pulls out the jar.  It's filled with butter.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Cain on November 18, 2008, 04:02:01 PM
Fine sir, you force my hand.  The thermonuclear missile of bad jokes is now being launched.

---------------------------------

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had
great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a
big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell
phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family,
his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few
friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now
that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way
was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go
about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in
last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no
flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a
cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied
the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels
sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some
ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to
it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been
walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours.
That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed
a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He
figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry
creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's
close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of
these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy
and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he
can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd
forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the
night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without
water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a
little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to
walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures,
unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He
waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes
numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from
here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he
still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no
idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction
he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat
to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple
of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first,
and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating
he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed
to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid
for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever
moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds,
lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's
careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the
wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep
going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any
more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still
morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It
must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines,
if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried
in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes
his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it
hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close
enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand.
At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's
a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and
tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker
than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he
can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be
able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps,
he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body
hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like
a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it
ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face
with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute
of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now
crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -
a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what
the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees
are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Triple Zero on November 18, 2008, 04:02:04 PM
i've heard better awful jokes, but okay. thanks!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Cain on November 18, 2008, 04:02:43 PM
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."


A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Cain on November 18, 2008, 04:03:21 PM
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Cain on November 18, 2008, 04:04:18 PM
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.


Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and
then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go
see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I
have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear
that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!", he ran over the snake.

THE END.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on November 18, 2008, 04:08:36 PM
tl:dr
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Payne on November 18, 2008, 04:09:01 PM
The most awesome joke ever.

I remember I wanted to hire a hitman to take you out after I read it the first time, but about a minute later, I saw the fantastic potential for it.

~~~Payne: Remembers the 10,000 flights of stairs joke from when he was a kid.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on November 18, 2008, 04:35:12 PM
:asplode:

No words...
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on November 18, 2008, 04:51:25 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on November 18, 2008, 04:02:04 PM
i've heard better awful jokes, but okay. thanks!

Share, damn yuo!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Archduke Omni-Fap! on November 18, 2008, 04:59:31 PM
That was great!  :lulz:

Also,  :argh!:

Here's a silly one:

Once, in an inflatable land, there lived an inflatable boy who, like all the other inflatable children, went to an inflatable school. He was a poor student and easily bored, and one day during a particularly frustrating lesson, he got up and stormed out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he saw the inflatable headmaster approaching him.

Angry and panicked, the inflatable boy pulled out a pin and punctured the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. "I hate school", he thought, and used his pin on the school itself. As the school slowly deflated behind him, he ran as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home, to the safety of his inflatable bedroom.

Inevitably, his inflatable mother knocked at his bedroom door an hour later, and with her were the inflatable Police. The inflatable boy, stricken with remorse and fear, pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.

Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Sir Squid Diddimus on November 18, 2008, 05:09:51 PM
skeleton walks into a bar
orders a beer and a mop.


WonkWonk.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: hooplala on November 18, 2008, 05:16:20 PM
Two men are sitting in a bar, one is complaining to the other about how there are no decent acts anymore.  "These acts these days, I tell ya, there's no talent . . . prop comics, I mean Jesus Christ . . . that's what humor has come to?  Sticking a toilet seat around yer neck?  And lookit these magicians these days . . . sitting in a glass box under a frozen sidewalk for a week?  Where's the magic?  I just can't do it anymore, I ain't got the chops for this shit . . ."

The other man agreed.  "I haven't seen a decent act since the Gong Show went off the air."

The first man looked at the other, then went on,  "I really think it's time I packed it in.  You should see my office, stacks of resumes up to the ceiling, but do I want to even meet any of these yabbos, let alone SIGN any of them?  Christ . . . no."

The other man was about to console the first man when they were approached by the waitress who had been waiting on them for the last hour.  "I'm sorry to interrupt, but did I hear you say you were looking for an act to sign?"

The first man said, "Well, yeah, but I don't think there's anything I want to see anymore . . . I got an old fashioned streak."

The waitress smiled.  "Well, hon, I might just be able to change your mind.  I happen to be part of an act that is as old fashioned as vaudeville, in fact we're a family act.  Part Magic, part music, and part comedy."

The first man sat up straighter.  "Holy shit."

The second man said,  "A triple threat!"

"You bet your sweet bippy,"  the waitress said.  "Lemme set the scene for ya . . . Picture this . . . the stage is dark, there's a thick, luscious, red velvet curtain, which opens slightly to reveal me and my eight year old son, I'm wearing a long gown, drenched in aquamarine sequins and cubic zirconia - real classy.  And my little son is wearing a tiny tuxedo, so adorable, you should see him, just like a little prince.  He's pushing a small black box on wheels."

The second man asked,  "Kind of like a rolling suitcase?"

The waitress winked.  "Exactly like a rolling suitcase, but with secrets inside."

The first man said "I like secrets.  Go on."

"Ok,"  the waitress said, and continued,  "So, my little son holds onto my hand and we begin to sing a duet of Big Balls, by AC/DC-"

"Wait wait wait,"  said the first man.  "Just hold on for a second . . . AC/DC?  I thought you said this was an old fashioned act."

"Oh, it is,"  the waitress assured him.  "We both sing it very old fashioned, almost operatic.  You have to understand, my little boy is only eight, so his voice hasn't broken yet; it's a very heartbreaking duet.  It brings my mother to tears every time we sing it, and she lost her hearing over twelve years ago."

"Jeez,"  said the second man.  "Must be good."

"It gets better . . . ok, so at the end of the number my son opens the box to reveal my husband inside . . . My husband was a soldier and lost his legs in Iraq, so he will be naked and, obviously, without legs . . . which is good, because his part of the act needs everything to be fully visible, legs would only get in the way."

The first man asked, "Why is he naked?"

The waitress winked again.  "Let's not get ahead of ourselves here,"  she said.  "all will be revealed.  So, my son opens the box and shows his naked, legless father.  I should probably also mention at this point that his father is painted like a clown.  Ok, so he reveals his father, and his father walks out of the box on his hands -which always brings some applause from the audience, I might add- and parts my dress in the middle, revealing my glorious womanhood to the crowd."

"Gee."  marveled the second man.

"Now, it's at this point the act really gets good.  My son has got vaudeville in his blood, I'm not kidding.  My husband lays down on the stage, and my son stands over him, facing me, with his back to the audience.  My husband rips the tear-away pants from my son, leaving him standing with no pants on.  At this point I place a single ping-pong ball into my mouth, and pretend to swallow it, while my son begins to orally satisfy me."

Both men sat in silence, listening to the waitress.  "While he is orally satisfying me, my husband begins to orally satisfy our son, so you see there is a chain being formed . . . I'm sure it's obvious where this is going."

" . . . no."  said the first man.

"Ok, so while this is going on I begin to sing Great Balls Of Fire, while my son and husband hum the accompanying music, our dog is walking around on its hind legs in a tutu, and-"

"Wait,"  said the first man.  "where the hell did the dog come from?"

"Didn't I mention our dog?"  the waitress asked.

"No!"  both men said in unison.

"God, no wonder my husband usually talks to the agents, I'd forget the finale if it weren't so fabulous.  Ok, so yes, there is a dog in the act too.  It's walking around while we are singing and humming.  As the song begins to wrap up my son begins to wiggle around a bit, and then my husband follows suit and begins to wiggle around too, and as the song completely climaxes I break wind through my vagina, which is something you really have to hear to believe, while at the same time my son defecates on his father's chest, and my husband releases three pool cues from his anus.  One after the other.  Our dog gobbles up each pool cue, and takes it over to a plate filled with flash powder and drops each one in, causing a huge flash of smoke and fire, three times in all.  During the last flash, my son falls back onto his own stool, covering his father's chest, and I fall on top of him, and the dog jumps onto my back.  The force of this concussion causes all three of us to vomit at the same time, red white and blue.  The dog waves a little flag of Old Glory.  Huge applause.  The end."

"Jesus."  the first man said, after a long pause.  "That is certainly one hell of an act."

The waitress smiled, and said  "I told ya so.  Didn't I tell ya so?"

The first man asked, "What do you call the act?"

She leaned in close to the men, and whispered,  "The Sophisticates."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Richter on November 18, 2008, 05:30:49 PM
Somewhere in the warmer parts of the Pacific Ocean a cruise ship sank, and all the crew and passengers died except for three people.  Those three were all passengers from the cheap rooms, two men and one woman who managed to make it to a lifeboat.  They drifted for a day or so before washing up on an deserted island.  After landing, they soon had built a rudimentary shelter and found all the food and water they'd need to subsist indeffinietly.  Now feeling much more at ease in their new primitive paradise, they all realized how horny they were.

The two men had something of a disgareement over who would parnter with their female companion, (She cast no vote herself, not wanting to contribute to further unrest), until they hit upon a solution.  Each male would switch off weekly partnering with the woman, thus satisfying all parties as best possible under the circumstances.

No rescue attempts located them, and they lived happily on the island for two years.

Until one day the woman died.

The first week after her death was bad.

The second was worse.

The third sucked.

The fourth week, things finally got so awful, the two men had no choice any longer, and had to bury her.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Suu on November 18, 2008, 05:34:23 PM
Quote from: Richter on November 18, 2008, 05:30:49 PM
Somewhere in the warmer parts of the Pacific Ocean a cruise ship sank, and all the crew and passengers died except for three people.  Those three were all passengers from the cheap rooms, two men and one woman who managed to make it to a lifeboat.  They drifted for a day or so before washing up on an deserted island.  After landing, they soon had built a rudimentary shelter and found all the food and water they'd need to subsist indeffinietly.  Now feeling much more at ease in their new primitive paradise, they all realized how horny they were.

The two men had something of a disgareement over who would parnter with their female companion, (She cast no vote herself, not wanting to contribute to further unrest), until they hit upon a solution.  Each male would switch off weekly partnering with the woman, thus satisfying all parties as best possible under the circumstances.

No rescue attempts located them, and they lived happily on the island for two years.

Until one day the woman died.

The first week after her death was bad.

The second was worse.

The third sucked.

The fourth week, things finally got so awful, the two men had no choice any longer, and had to bury her.

:x
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on November 18, 2008, 05:42:35 PM
Quote from: Richter on November 18, 2008, 05:30:49 PM
Somewhere in the warmer parts of the Pacific Ocean a cruise ship sank, and all the crew and passengers died except for three people.  Those three were all passengers from the cheap rooms, two men and one woman who managed to make it to a lifeboat.  They drifted for a day or so before washing up on an deserted island.  After landing, they soon had built a rudimentary shelter and found all the food and water they'd need to subsist indeffinietly.  Now feeling much more at ease in their new primitive paradise, they all realized how horny they were.

The two men had something of a disgareement over who would parnter with their female companion, (She cast no vote herself, not wanting to contribute to further unrest), until they hit upon a solution.  Each male would switch off weekly partnering with the woman, thus satisfying all parties as best possible under the circumstances.

No rescue attempts located them, and they lived happily on the island for two years.

Until one day the woman died.

The first week after her death was bad.

The second was worse.

The third sucked.

The fourth week, things finally got so awful, the two men had no choice any longer, and had to bury her.

:fuckmittens:

This is the best thread I ever started.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Vene on November 18, 2008, 05:45:33 PM
Quote from: Richter on November 18, 2008, 05:30:49 PM
Somewhere in the warmer parts of the Pacific Ocean a cruise ship sank, and all the crew and passengers died except for three people.  Those three were all passengers from the cheap rooms, two men and one woman who managed to make it to a lifeboat.  They drifted for a day or so before washing up on an deserted island.  After landing, they soon had built a rudimentary shelter and found all the food and water they'd need to subsist indeffinietly.  Now feeling much more at ease in their new primitive paradise, they all realized how horny they were.

The two men had something of a disgareement over who would parnter with their female companion, (She cast no vote herself, not wanting to contribute to further unrest), until they hit upon a solution.  Each male would switch off weekly partnering with the woman, thus satisfying all parties as best possible under the circumstances.

No rescue attempts located them, and they lived happily on the island for two years.

Until one day the woman died.

The first week after her death was bad.

The second was worse.

The third sucked.

The fourth week, things finally got so awful, the two men had no choice any longer, and had to bury her.
(http://www.britsuperstore.com/acatalog/Febreze_Classic_1_Litre.jpg)
Problem solved.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Golden Applesauce on November 18, 2008, 05:46:18 PM
Cain, there are no words.

Where on earth did you find that?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Iason Ouabache on November 18, 2008, 05:46:59 PM
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 18, 2008, 06:00:44 PM
What's brown and sticky?

A STICK.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?

A STICK.

What do you call a cross between a deer and a pickle?

A dill-doe.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Richter on November 18, 2008, 06:15:49 PM
Quote from: Nigel on November 18, 2008, 06:00:44 PM
What do you call a cross between a deer and a pickle?

A dill-doe.

:lulz:
Co workers asked why I laughed, and I had to explain it.

Quote from: Vene on November 18, 2008, 05:45:33 PM
Quote from: Richter on November 18, 2008, 05:30:49 PM
Somewhere in the warmer parts of the Pacific Ocean a cruise ship sank, and all the crew and passengers died except for three people.  Those three were all passengers from the cheap rooms, two men and one woman who managed to make it to a lifeboat.  They drifted for a day or so before washing up on an deserted island.  After landing, they soon had built a rudimentary shelter and found all the food and water they'd need to subsist indeffinietly.  Now feeling much more at ease in their new primitive paradise, they all realized how horny they were.

The two men had something of a disgareement over who would parnter with their female companion, (She cast no vote herself, not wanting to contribute to further unrest), until they hit upon a solution.  Each male would switch off weekly partnering with the woman, thus satisfying all parties as best possible under the circumstances.

No rescue attempts located them, and they lived happily on the island for two years.

Until one day the woman died.

The first week after her death was bad.

The second was worse.

The third sucked.

The fourth week, things finally got so awful, the two men had no choice any longer, and had to bury her.
(http://www.britsuperstore.com/acatalog/Febreze_Classic_1_Litre.jpg)
Problem solved.

Glad someone else here can keep up!  :mrgreen:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Manta Obscura on November 18, 2008, 07:18:33 PM
Awful jokes, eh?



Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come onto a boy's face until he's a teenager.



Q: Why could the Kennedys never be boxers?
A: They couldn't take a shot to the head.




Two atoms are walking down the road when one accidentally bumps into the other.
First atom: "Oh no! I think you've stolen some of my electrons!"
Second atom: "Are you sure?"
First atom: "I'm positive!"






A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.

He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!

"What happened!" screamed the nurse.

"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Dr Goofy on November 18, 2008, 08:13:18 PM
A baby seal walked into a club

A doe walked outta the woods and said "I'd never do that for 2 bucks again"

Why was tigger looking in the toliet?
He was looking for pooh
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Richter on November 18, 2008, 09:12:43 PM
Quote from: Manta Obscura on November 18, 2008, 07:18:33 PM

Two atoms are walking down the road when one accidentally bumps into the other.
First atom: "Oh no! I think you’ve stolen some of my electrons!"
Second atom: "Are you sure?"
First atom: "I’m positive!"


I met a chick at an HIV clinic in Africa.
I asked her if she was sure she was clean.
She says: "I'm positive."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Chairman Risus on November 18, 2008, 09:15:15 PM
What's cold and doesn't fit anymore?

A dead epileptic.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Richter on November 18, 2008, 09:24:28 PM
A small nightclub is looking for a new piano player.  A well dressed middle aged man shows up to audition, and the owner asks him to play a quick blues piece.  The pianist nods, and plays a great piece of music the owner's never heard.

"That was great!", says the owner, "What's that song called?"

"It's one I wrote", replied the pianist, "I call it, 'Angry Birds Fly Into Yo Ass'."

"Hey! Hey! None of that nasty talk."  cried the owner, "I run a classy place here, watch your language.  I like your playing though, can you do any improv?"

The pianist says nothing, but immediately goes into a spirited jazz improv.

"Like it?  It's called, 'Variations on a shitcocking'", he says.

"Your music is great."  the owner says, "You've got the job, just don't tell anyone what you name your songs, allright?"

The pianist starts that night, and the patrons LOVE him.  Appluase and tips just keep comming, none of them expect this kind of quality from background music at a small quiet club.  

Eventually the pianist takes a break to use the restroom.  When he's done, he goes back out, but forgets to close his trousers.
 
"Excuse me."  says one of the patrons, "Do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?"

"KNOW IT?" says the pianist, "I WROTE IT!"

-Robin Williams
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Eater of Clowns on November 18, 2008, 09:28:13 PM
These are old, but I have a soft spot for them:

Hitler walks into a bar and takes a seat.  The bartender does a double-take, and says "Hitler, shit, I thought you were dead."

Hitler looks at him and says, "No, I faked the whole thing and managed to get away."

The bartender, stunned, tries to make conversation, "So uh, what do you think you'll do next?"

Hitler explains, "Well I'm going to start World War III, but this time I'm going to kill 10 million Jews and 2 clowns."

The bartender, confused, asks "Why the two clowns?"

Hitler bursts out, "See?  Nobody cares about the Jews."

_____________________________________

A man gets called into the hospital after finding out his wife has been in a terrible car accident.  He finds the doctor right outside her room when he gets there, and asks "Well, what's the situation?"

The doctor looks him in the eye and says, "It doesn't look good.  She'll never be the same again I'm afraid.  You're going to have to feed her, you're going to have to bathe her.  She'll never walk, she'll always need a respirator.  The physical therapy will be long and painful, but eventually she might be able to rise from her bed.  You may want to look into hiring a nurse to be with her and give her the care she's going to need.  I'm very sorry."

The man is devastated.  Tearing up, he says "That's awful, I just..."

The doctor sprouts a huge grin and says "I'm just fucking with you - she's dead."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 18, 2008, 09:53:21 PM
Quote from: Risus on November 18, 2008, 09:15:15 PM
What's cold and doesn't fit anymore?

A dead epileptic.

:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Valerie - Gone on November 18, 2008, 11:38:35 PM
Quote from: Cainad on November 18, 2008, 03:55:20 PM
So there's this fish in a stream, right? And he sees this fly hovering above the water, just out of reach, and he thinks, "man, if that fly would drop just a few inches I could get it."

And then there's this bear next to the stream, looking at the fish, but he can't get it from where he is. He thinks, "Man, if that fly would just drop a few inches, the fish would go for it and I could get the fish!"

Now, there's this hunter hiding in the trees on the other side of the river, and he wants to get the bear, but he can't get a good shot on it. He thinks, "Hey, if that fly drops a few inches, that fish will go for it, the bear will go for the fish, and then the bear will be in a perfect spot for me to hit it!"

And there's this mouse hiding behind the hunter, eyeing the sandwich in his pocket. He thinks, "If that fly drops a few inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go grab the fish, the hunter will move to shoot the bear, and then the sandwich will fall out of the hunter's pocket, where I can get it."

But there's this cat with his eye on the mouse, see. He knows the mouse will dart into its hole if he goes for it now, but then he sees what's going on and thinks, "Woah, if that fly drops a few inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter will drop his sandwich as he moves to shoot the bear, the mouse will go grab the sandwich, and then I'll have it cornered!"

Then it happens! The fly drops a few inches, the fish jumps to get the fly, the bear moves to snatch the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and drops his sandwich, the mouse goes to get the sandwich, and the cat springs to get the mouse. But the cat misses and goes tumbling headfirst into the river, getting completely soaked.

The moral of the story?

It takes a little more than a fly dropping four inches to get a pussy wet.
Ahh! Mr. Raymond's joke! My god, I miss those trips...

Nice jokes, guys. I like a lot of them. Hadn't heard them before. I have nothing to contribute.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Kai on November 19, 2008, 01:03:18 PM
What, has Apple Talk become Spider Robinson's Crosstime Saloon now?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Lies on November 19, 2008, 02:02:28 PM
What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The 12 year old in my trunk.  :evil:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on November 19, 2008, 02:13:34 PM
Quote from: Kai on November 19, 2008, 01:03:18 PM
What, has Apple Talk become Spider Robinson's Crosstime Saloon now?

I have no idea what that means, but I sure hope it's a tongue-in-cheek compliment or something because this thread has actually put a smile on my face multiple times.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Kai on November 19, 2008, 05:05:18 PM
Quote from: Cainad on November 19, 2008, 02:13:34 PM
Quote from: Kai on November 19, 2008, 01:03:18 PM
What, has Apple Talk become Spider Robinson's Crosstime Saloon now?

I have no idea what that means, but I sure hope it's a tongue-in-cheek compliment or something because this thread has actually put a smile on my face multiple times.

In Spider Robinson's short stories about the Callahan Crosstime Saloon, there is this joke telling contest where each person tries to out do the rest by telling a long winded joke with a horrible pun at the end. If someone guesses the punchline before the end, they loose for the evening. The person with the most horrible pun that gets the most groans and screams of horror wins.

THATS what I was referring to.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on November 19, 2008, 06:23:02 PM
Well in that case, this thread has definitely become the Callahan Crosstime Saloon.

Apple Talk's status as the general repository for spaggotry, drama, fail, lail, furry pr0n, and goofy pictures is not about to change any time soon.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Kai on November 19, 2008, 07:49:37 PM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Callahan's_Crosstime_Saloon for further reference
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on January 12, 2009, 07:56:01 PM
My friend just made up this terrible joke:

a scientist walks into a bar

the bartender says "what do you want to drink?"

the scientist says "whiskey"

the joke is that the scientist is sad that he broke the experiment so he wants a whiskey.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on January 12, 2009, 10:03:14 PM
Quote from: Nigel on January 12, 2009, 07:56:01 PM
My friend just made up this terrible joke:

a scientist walks into a bar

the bartender says "what do you want to drink?"

the scientist says "whiskey"

the joke is that the scientist is sad that he broke the experiment so he wants a whiskey.


Holy fuck, this joke may have the potential to destroy all humour as we know it  :eek:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: indigoblade on January 12, 2009, 10:22:35 PM
A blind man walks into a bar, he sais "ouch". :rimshot:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Triple Zero on January 13, 2009, 02:54:02 PM
a few more, from my old dusty collection of horrible jokes:



- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband
  is in hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life
because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important
that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.


How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other
man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise
her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and
then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
Pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest
A boy walks in a shop n asks for two loaves of bread n a bag of
boiled sweets. D'you wanna bag for that asks the shopkeeper.
No it's ok, says the boy, i've got me bike outside.

and some more actually semi-funny ones:

Q: how do you stop a clown from laughing????
A: hit him in the face with an axe!

Bloke goes to the doctors.
Bloke: Doctor, I feel like a moth.
Doctor: Well, I think you need a psychiatrist not a doctor.
Bloke: Yes, I know.
Doctor: So why are you here then?
Bloke: The light was on.

Ok, ok, you guys, this is a great one. Ok, How does an OCTOPUS go to WAR? Anybody? Huh?
Huh? *snicker* An OCTOPUS going to WAR, how does he do it? *giggle* Do you know? Anybody
know? Ok, here it is -- this is a great one guys -- he goes to wa--wait, let me repeat the
question. How does an OCTOPUS go to WAR? ................. ARMED! Bwahahahahaaaa!!!! Get
it?? Get it??? LOL LOL LOLOL!! It's an OCTOPUS, and he goes to war ARMED ..... because the
octopus-- octopi, they have-- don't you get it?

Q: Why did the monkey get lost?
A: Because jungle is massive!

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "You operate the cannon, I'll drive."

two men were standing on the top of a cliff, one had two parrots on his shoulders and the
other had a load of budgies stuffed down his jacket
the first guy jumped off and on his way down he shot the parrots on his shoulders, hit the
ground, and broke his back
the next guy with the budgies jumped off, and hit the ground feathers everywhere!
on the ground the first guy said to the other,
"oh! that parrot shooting didnt really work did it?"
the other replied,
"no! and the budgie jumping went a bit wrong too"

2 old grannies at the café havin a coffee
one says to the other "did u come on the bus?"
"yeah but i pretended it was an asthma attack"

more later
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Richter on January 13, 2009, 03:21:02 PM
Two old ladies meet outside their nursing home for a smoke.  As they each start their second cigarette, it begins to rain.  The first lady, undeterred, pulls out a condom, deftly removes the tip with sewing scissors, rolls it over her smoke, and takes another drag. 

The second little old lady sees this, and is impressed.

"Where do you get those funny rubber things?" , she asks.  "I could sure use some."

"They're called condoms.  I get them at the pharmacists, but you have to ask at the counter for them.", her friend replies.

So the little old lady heads to the pharmacy, and goes to the counter.

"Good afternoon,", says the pharmacist, "What can I help you with?"

"I'd like a pack of condoms.", she tells him.

The pharmacist is somewhat taken aback at this, but remains professional.  "What size would you like, ma'am?"

"Oh, I don't know", say the elderly lady, "What's the right size for a Camel?"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Triple Zero on January 13, 2009, 06:42:27 PM
A bear goes into a bar & says "I'll have...


















... a pint of lager please"
and the barman says "Why the big pause?"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: indigoblade on January 13, 2009, 07:00:24 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender sais "hey, no pets!". The guy sais "I promise I'll make sure he doesn't mess up the place." The bartender agrees to serve the guy and the monkey and him sit down. The monkey goes ape-shit and beggins throwing peanuts, brakes some mugs and finishes off by swallowing the eightball. The bartender yells "Alright GTFO and don't bring that damn monkey back!"

After a couple of weeks the guy decides he has been away for long enough so the bartender may let him come back. When he enters the bar with the monkey the bartender sais "Oh no, not you again." To which the guy replies "it's ok, I've got him trained priofessionaly now." The guy and monkey sit at the bar at the bartenders uneasy acceptance and the guy orders a beer. The monkey reaches for a peanut then, sticks it up his ass, then eats it. "I thought you said you had him trained." sais the bar tender. "I did." sais the guy.
"So what is the monkey doing then?" asks the bartender. The guy replies "Checking for size".
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Triple Zero on January 13, 2009, 08:06:29 PM
Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were
shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said
he was de-composing.

MSBNC have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from
Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

Q: What do you call a Spaniard who loses his car?
A: Carlos!



....(Dave and Chris) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed
man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to
speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Chris: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave
and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a
urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a
living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er....mmm....well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then
you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you
haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a
regular basis?
Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Chris: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Chris: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Chris: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: fomenter on January 13, 2009, 08:10:30 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on January 13, 2009, 08:06:29 PM

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker
:lulz: :lulz:

Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Triple Zero on January 13, 2009, 11:59:19 PM
A circus owner is at home and hears a knock at the door. Opening it, he finds a man
standing there with a carrier bag in his hand.

"Can I help you?" the circus owner asks.

"Yes," replies the man, "I have a great act which will be a hit with your circus."

"And what would that be?" he asks.

"I am the man that can feel no pain" he declares. "Hit me, burn me - I feel no pain."

The man reaches into his carrier bag and hands the circus owner a large hammer.

"Go on." says the man "Hit me on the head with it."

"But..."

"It's all right," says the man, "I'll feel no pain. Go on."

The circus owner takes the hammer and delivers the most restrained tap to the man's head.
The man yelps, clasps his head and falls to the ground. The circus owner, frantic with
worry, calls for an ambulance and soon the man is taken to hospital. He goes into a coma.

The circus owner, overwhelmed with guilt, visits the man every night and sits by his
bedside. After three months, the man sits bolt upright in his bed and goes "Ta-Daaaaaaaaa!"




How do you catch a unique rabbit?
  Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
  Tame way, unique up on it.




Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building
had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,
level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17,
level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26,
level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35,
level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in
case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The
system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6,
level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15,
level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,
level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33,
level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the
pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager,
turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the
building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The
accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact,
workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7,
level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,
level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25,
level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34,
level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should
he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss
back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your
joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on
level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10,
level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19,
level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28,
level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37,
level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on
so many levels."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on January 14, 2009, 12:06:09 AM
 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
:fuckmittens:

This is my favorite goddamn thread EVER.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Triple Zero on January 14, 2009, 01:08:16 AM
i'm so glad i found the other old textfile of crappy jokes today :) continuing ...


Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the dog.


Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.


There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell.
Eventually they all starved to death.


Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape the Nazis.


a guy is in a pub with his sister, karaoke night.
at some point he goes and takes the mic, and says
"right, i know this isn't exactly karaoke, but this is my sister's birthday today, and i'd
like us all to sing 'happy birthday' to her"
the crowd cheers for the sister and everybody sings happy birthday to her, while she looks
slightly embarassed.
once the song is finished, the guy takes the mic once again and says:
"i'd like to thank you all. actually it isn't exactly her birthday today, but it's been a
year exactly that she's been off the methadone"


What do you call someone who used to like tractors?
An extractor fan.


there once was a woman from prague
whose forehead was shaped like a book
she stood on a nail
it went into her shoe
and now there's a nail in her shoe.





the insane boy put his finger into the sky and asks his father what is there.

- "Its a plane, son"

- "Daddy, I want his meat"


Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: indigoblade on January 14, 2009, 01:09:35 AM
Keep em coming TZ  :lulz:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Triple Zero on January 14, 2009, 01:23:17 AM
.. that was the end of the file, unfortunately. well I did only pick the most funny ones. I also have another collection, but I already posted parts of that a long time ago.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: indigoblade on January 14, 2009, 01:26:54 AM
Quote from: Triple Zero on January 14, 2009, 01:23:17 AM
.. that was the end of the file, unfortunately. well I did only pick the most funny ones. I also have another collection, but I already posted parts of that a long time ago.
I'll dig up some stuff later then.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on January 14, 2009, 02:16:32 AM
Quote from: Triple Zero on January 14, 2009, 01:08:16 AM
there once was a woman from prague
whose forehead was shaped like a book
she stood on a nail
it went into her shoe
and now there's a nail in her shoe.


:lulz: I don't know why, but this one is my favorite.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Vene on January 14, 2009, 02:50:29 AM
I disagree Nigel, this is better.
Quote from: Triple Zero on January 14, 2009, 01:08:16 AM
the insane boy put his finger into the sky and asks his father what is there.

- "Its a plane, son"

- "Daddy, I want his meat"



Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on January 14, 2009, 08:31:04 AM
I made up a joke today that is now my favorite joke.

A moth encounters a dead bush, and decides to land. What does it land on?




A stick.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Iason Ouabache on January 26, 2009, 06:32:49 PM
BUMP.  Just in case RWHN needs it in his meeting.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: AFK on January 26, 2009, 06:37:00 PM
Thank you, but as some of the long-timers can attest, I've got plenty of my own material.   :evil:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 14, 2009, 06:30:03 PM
What did 0 say to 8?


Nice belt.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: rong on March 14, 2009, 07:07:36 PM
a guy walks into a bakery and orders a cake shaped like the letter "B"

the baker says, "well, i think i can do that, but it'll take a few days."

the guy says, "that's fine, i'm in no hurry."

three days go by and the man returns to the bakery. 

the baker presents him with the cake and says, "well, what do you think?"

the guy says, "oh geez- it's really nice and all, but i forgot to explain that what i really needed was a cake shaped like a lower case 'b' - i'll gladly pay you for all the extra trouble"

the baker says that's fine and to come back in another three days.

three more days pass and the guy returns to the bakery and the baker shows him the cake.

"oh man, that's perfect.  that's exactly what i wanted," the guy said.

"you want i should box that up for you then?" said the baker.

"no, i'll just eat it here."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


little billy has to write a report for school about the history of his town, so he goes and asks his grandpa if he has any stories that he can use in his report.

"well," said grandpa, "one time i remember old farmer pete had a pig get loose.  it ran off into the woods and got lost.  so we rounded up a search party and went a lookin' for it.  for hours and hours we searched and searched.  it was about dusk when we finally found it, and when we did, we made sweet, sweet love to it all night long."

"Grandpa!" billy said, "i can't use that story.  do you know any other ones?"

"well," said grandpa, "one time i remember little betty mabel ran off into the woods and got lost.  so we rounded up a search party and went a lookin' for her.  for hours and hours we searched and searched.  it was about dusk when we finally found her, and when we did, we made sweet, sweet love to her all night long."

"Come on, Grandpa!" billy said, "i can't use that story, either.  you must know another story i can use."

"well," said grandpa, "one time, i wandered off into the woods and got lost.  .  .

Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Sir Squid Diddimus on March 15, 2009, 09:49:12 PM
Quote from: Nigel on January 14, 2009, 02:16:32 AM
Quote from: Triple Zero on January 14, 2009, 01:08:16 AM
there once was a woman from prague
whose forehead was shaped like a book
she stood on a nail
it went into her shoe
and now there's a nail in her shoe.


:lulz: I don't know why, but this one is my favorite.

damn, that's really funny.  :lulz:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: rong on March 15, 2009, 10:37:32 PM
Quote from: Squid on March 15, 2009, 09:49:12 PM
Quote from: Nigel on January 14, 2009, 02:16:32 AM
Quote from: Triple Zero on January 14, 2009, 01:08:16 AM
there once was a woman from prague
whose forehead was shaped like a book
she stood on a nail
it went into her shoe
and now there's a nail in her shoe.


:lulz: I don't know why, but this one is my favorite.

damn, that's really funny.  :lulz:

for me, it's cuz the only 2 lines that rhyme aren't supposed to.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Idem on March 15, 2009, 11:04:57 PM
A piece of gold walks in to a bar, the barman says A U get out of here.


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.


Q:  Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs?
A:  They don't commute


The world's dead geniuses play hide and seek in heaven. Einstein goes over to a tree to count, while everyone scurry around to hide. In the meantime, Newton draws a 1 meter square with a stick and sits in the middle of it.
When Einstein finishes counting, he turns around and sees Newton in his square. "I've found you", he says. "No you didn't", Newton answers. "But you're right here in front of me!" Einstein says, puzzled. "Tell me, what do you see?" Newton asks. "I see you, Newton, sitting in a one meter square."
"And what is a Newton on a 1 meter square?"
"A pascal."
Newton grins.


A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are all paid to observe this house. They watch it for a week and nobody enters, or leaves the complex. On the 8th day somebody walks in, and on the 9th, two people walk out.
The biologist says: "Clearly they must have reproduced"
The physicist says: "Obviously our initial observations were incorrect"
The mathematician says: "If one more person walks into that house, there will be nobody in it"


An architect, an engineer, and a physicist are all hired by a farmer to help him design a fence. He tells them, "I want to enclose the largest area using the least amount of materials." The architect draws a square. The engineer draws a circle. The physicist takes the engineer's circle and writes "outside" on the inside.


Q: Why do chemists like nitrates?
A: because they are cheaper than dayrates


my ground is non-zero. That's why it hurts to walk


A man walks into a chemist's shop and says 'I'd like some adenosine triphosphate please.'
'Certainly sir,' says the chemist, 'that'll be 80p.'


A trichinosis larva and a botfly maggot walk into a bar. The botfly maggot turns to the trichinosis larva and says "hey buddy, I heard you like pork." The trichonosis larva looks the the botfly maggot right in the spiracles and says "indeed, I encyst upon it."


An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher are taking a walk through the Scottish highlands when they come across a black sheep. The engineer blurts out "hey look, the sheep in Scotland are black!" The experimental physicist turns to him and says "some of the sheep in Scotland are black." The theoretical physicist, looking bemused, chuckles and says "actually, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." The philosopher, who had been kneeling to examine a flower, looks up and says "on one side, anyway."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: rong on March 15, 2009, 11:11:15 PM
Quote from: Idem on March 15, 2009, 11:04:57 PM
my ground is non-zero. That's why it hurts to walk

those were great - but please to explain this one?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Zenpeanut on March 16, 2009, 05:06:19 AM
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 raped 6 and made him promise not to tell.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Requia ☣ on March 16, 2009, 05:40:54 AM
Cain: Where the fuck did you get the Nate & Lever joke?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on March 22, 2009, 07:26:21 PM
Bump.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread
Post by: -Kel- on March 23, 2009, 03:53:18 AM
Quote from: Squid on November 18, 2008, 05:09:51 PM
skeleton walks into a bar
orders a beer and a mop.


WonkWonk.

Yonk!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 23, 2009, 03:44:10 PM
Quote from: Idem on March 15, 2009, 11:04:57 PM

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.


Q:  Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs?
A:  They don't commute

These are fucking hilarious!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Vene on March 23, 2009, 05:33:11 PM
Good lord Idem, how did I miss that post? :mittens:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: AFK on March 30, 2009, 07:09:25 PM
Trekkie Geek #1 "Hey, have you heard the rumor about Brent Spiner being gay?"

Trekkie Geek #2 "No.  But that would explain why he is advertising a Data entry position." 

Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Apikoros II on March 31, 2009, 01:29:34 PM
I am so glad I came back..... Not only do I Love bad Jokes... I know Millions:

1. What is the difference between Natasha Richardson and Natasha Richardson jokes? Natasha Richardson jokes will grow old. (I originally heard the joke as Eric Clapton's son... Insert your fave dead celebrity and it keeps working!)

2. What's brown and found in kid's pants? Michael Jackson's Hand

3. This Priest and kid are walking deep into the woods. It keeps getting deeper and darker, and they keep going further inside. Finally, the kid says, "Father, I'm scared" The priest replies "Think about me, I gotta walk out of here alone!"

4. This Priest and Rabbi are talking and a little boy walks past. The priest says, "Let's Screw Him!" and the Rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

5. What's better then winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded

6. These 2 priests are peeing and one looks over and sees the second priest has Nicotine patches all over his penis. He says, "Say, is that working for you?" and the second priest replies, "Yah, I'm down to 2 butts a day"

Now, I am going to give you some out-dated topical humor jokes:

1. Who are the 2 most famous people shot in the head in a theater? Abe Lincoln and the guy in front of Pee-Wee Herman

2. Where are the Challenger Astronauts buried? All over Florida

3. Did you know that Christa McCauliffe had dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders

4. What's the difference between Ronald Reagan and the Apple IIE in the White House? The Apple IIE has a memory and a colon

5. What is Pee-Wee Herman's Favorite Baseball team? The Expos (Dated on SO MANY LEVELS!)

6. What's white and runs down bathroom walls? George Michael's latest release

Ahhh, Me Love JOKES!


Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Richter on April 02, 2009, 07:29:54 PM
This is a joke / urban legend from my hometown.  The moral and sentiment is "Well, SHIT."

The punchline:
"...and they Shot the Dog."

There's this young teenage girl who's parents are out of town for the weekend, and she has her boyfriend over to hang out.
Like any hot blooded young couple, they are taking the opportunity to do the Nasty on the couch.

It should be mentioned that this is the parent's new couch.  A new, pristine white, cloth couch. 

Oh yeah, they're doing it anal too.
As they finish up, the aforementioned abused sphincter is a bit fatigued form the vigorous action it has just endured, and there is a loss of control.
On the Couch.  On the new, pristine white, cloth couch.

Well, needless to say, the rest of the weekend involves  the young couple trying every cleaning product in existence to remove the brown staining, but nothing does the trick, this stain is not going anywhere.  The girl's parents come home, notice the stain, and ask what happened to the couch.
Our young heroine is dumbfounded.  She can't admit her carnal sins to her parents, so she stammers out the first feasible thing.
"The Dog did it."

Her parent's don't say anything to her, and don't raise any fuss.  Much to her surprise, they only put their bags away and go out to the kennel in the back yard. 
And they shot the dog.

Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: fomenter on April 02, 2009, 07:36:47 PM
Quote from: Richter on April 02, 2009, 07:29:54 PM
This is a joke / urban legend from my hometown.  The moral and sentiment is "Well, SHIT."

The punchline:
"...and they Shot the Dog."

There's this young teenage girl who's parents are out of town for the weekend, and she has her boyfriend over to hang out.
Like any hot blooded young couple, they are taking the opportunity to do the Nasty on the couch.

It should be mentioned that this is the parent's new couch.  A new, pristine white, cloth couch. 

Oh yeah, they're doing it anal too.
As they finish up, the aforementioned abused sphincter is a bit fatigued form the vigorous action it has just endured, and there is a loss of control.
On the Couch.  On the new, pristine white, cloth couch.

Well, needless to say, the rest of the weekend involves  the young couple trying every cleaning product in existence to remove the santorum stain, but nothing does the trick, this stain is not going anywhere.  The girl's parents come home, notice the stain, and ask what happened to the couch.
Our young heroine is dumbfounded.  She can't admit her carnal sins to her parents, so she stammers out the first feasible thing.
"The Dog did it."

Her parent's don't say anything to her, and don't raise any fuss.  Much to her surprise, they only put their bags away and go out to the kennel in the back yard. 
And they shot the dog.


fixed
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Richter on April 02, 2009, 07:55:37 PM
Might not have been santorum.  You may note, the myth never specifies who's pitching / catching.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: fomenter on April 02, 2009, 08:02:41 PM
 :?  does it matter? santorum definition http://www.spreadingsantorum.com/  it (the myth) doesn't mention lube so i guess it might just be shit...
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Richter on April 02, 2009, 08:07:20 PM
I'm not going to look it up at work, but I was under the impression it was a frothy mixture of both fecal leakage and semen.
If it's just shit / lube, then your fix is correct.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Dysfunctional Cunt on April 02, 2009, 09:16:49 PM
EWWWW, it was funny till y'all detailed it to gross....   :x
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Cramulus on July 14, 2009, 07:33:54 PM
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf, can I thee her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: AFK on July 14, 2009, 07:39:13 PM
 :lulz:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on November 11, 2009, 01:28:14 AM
OH GOD

http://www.dumbjokesthatarefunny.com/j/30 :lulz:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Iason Ouabache on November 11, 2009, 02:12:59 AM
Quote from: Cainad on November 11, 2009, 01:28:14 AM
OH GOD

http://www.dumbjokesthatarefunny.com/j/30 :lulz:
:crankey:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Suu on November 11, 2009, 05:01:50 AM
Quote from: Cainad on November 11, 2009, 01:28:14 AM
OH GOD

http://www.dumbjokesthatarefunny.com/j/30 :lulz:

The rimshot wav really adds to the humor.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Richter on November 12, 2009, 02:48:53 PM
A TRUE STORY

The baseball legend Mickey Mantle was an avid hunter.  During off season he and his agent would often take off to blow away hapless wildlife. 
One day, they're driving around the country in upstate NY, and see a farm with a good bit of land they'd like to hunt on.  The agent goes up to the farmhouse, and asks the farmer's permission for them to hunt on their land. 

"By all means," say the farmer, "but I'd like you to do me a favor.  My old mule is really past it, needs to be put down.  I don't have the heart to do it myself, so would you mind doing it for me?"

The agent agrees, and goes back to the truck to get his gun to euthanize the animal.  On the way he decides to have some fun with Mickey.

"So what'd he say?", Mickey asks.

"Bastard says we can't hunt on his land!  I'm going to shoot his mule!" the agent proclaims.

So he gets his gun and makes a show of storming off behind the barn, where he shoots the mule and walks back towards the truck. 
As he's giggling over how surprised Mickey will be, he notices the truck is empty.  Then he hears two more shots echo out from across the field, and Mickey comes running back, grinning like an idiot.

"Let's go!" he cries, "I just got two of the cocksucker's cows too!" 
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: LMNO on December 03, 2009, 06:18:55 PM
A travelling salesman is making the rounds in a new neighborhood.

He knocks on the door of one house, and when the door opens he is surprised to see a 12-year-old kid standing there, with a glass of scotch in one hand, and a cigar in the other.


"Excuse me son," he says.  "Are your parents home?"



The kid takes a long look at him, and then says, "What the fuck do you think?"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Da6s on December 03, 2009, 07:43:26 PM
You know why jesus died on the cross right? He forgot the safeword.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: LMNO on December 03, 2009, 07:56:09 PM
And old married Chinese couple are celebrating their 50th anniversary, and the wife wants to surprise her husband.  She says, "Darling, is there any fantasy you've ever had that we haven't done yet?"

The husband looks bashful and says, "Well, if there's one thing..."

"Yes?" she replies.

"Well, I would really love a sixty-nine with you."



She looks confused.  "At a time like this, you want Beef with Broccoli?"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on December 03, 2009, 08:01:53 PM
Quote from: LMNO on December 03, 2009, 07:56:09 PM
And old married Chinese couple are celebrating their 50th anniversary, and the wife wants to surprise her husband.  She says, "Darling, is there any fantasy you've ever had that we haven't done yet?"

The husband looks bashful and says, "Well, if there's one thing..."

"Yes?" she replies.

"Well, I would really love a sixty-nine with you."



She looks confused.  "At a time like this, you want Beef with Broccoli?"

:lulz:  :argh!:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on December 24, 2009, 02:59:51 AM
Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?


A: In his sleevies.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: NotPublished on December 24, 2009, 03:04:37 AM
Hear about the blind skunk... who tried to rape a fart?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on December 24, 2009, 03:18:27 AM
Q: Why do businessmen carry umbrellas?
A: Because umbrellas can't walk.


Q: Why did Humpty-Dumpty have a great fall?
A: To make up for a bad summer.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: NotPublished on December 24, 2009, 03:21:59 AM
Why don't Greeks need to wear life preservers? Because oil floats.

Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Salty on December 24, 2009, 03:26:12 AM
-What happens when you squish a little grape?

-It makes a little whine.


-What's the best thing about a hippie drumming circle?

-Nothing.



Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Chief Uwachiquen on December 24, 2009, 04:27:45 AM
What did Michael Jackson and Farra Fawcett get for Christmas?



Patrick Swayzee.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: NotPublished on December 24, 2009, 04:31:26 AM
What was Farra Fawcett's final wish? To save the children
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: NotPublished on February 22, 2010, 09:24:41 PM
Two Asians walk into a bar.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Freeky on February 22, 2010, 09:45:26 PM
The third ducked.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: NotPublished on February 22, 2010, 09:50:08 PM
 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: damn it
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Freeky on February 22, 2010, 09:53:01 PM
That's my favorite joke of all time. I always think its best to tell after a string of bar jokes, because people are all like "wut" and then after a few minutes they're :facepalm:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on March 12, 2010, 06:04:21 PM
boomp
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Cramulus on June 23, 2011, 05:12:51 PM
Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving in a car and they get pulled over. The police officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" and Heisenberg says, "Well, not really, but I can tell you exactly where I was."

The officer thinks that this peculiar response is grounds for a search, and he finds a dead cat in the trunk, and he says, "Do you guys know that there's a dead cat in your trunk?!" Schrödinger replies, "Um, now I do."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Suu on June 23, 2011, 05:24:02 PM
 :|
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 23, 2011, 05:28:36 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on June 23, 2011, 05:12:51 PM
Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving in a car and they get pulled over. The police officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" and Heisenberg says, "Well, not really, but I can tell you exactly where I was."

The officer thinks that this peculiar response is grounds for a search, and he finds a dead cat in the trunk, and he says, "Do you guys know that there's a dead cat in your trunk?!" Schrödinger replies, "Um, now I do."

:mittens:

Add to this Terry Pratchett's angry quote from Death:  "Well, is it alive or dead?  I have a schedule to keep!"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Disco Pickle on June 23, 2011, 05:29:14 PM
 :lulz:

oh I'm keeping that one.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: LMNO on June 23, 2011, 05:40:07 PM
I just sent that to my dad.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Telarus on June 23, 2011, 05:53:23 PM
 :lulz: Frankenjoke.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Idem on June 23, 2011, 05:56:11 PM
In the early 1900s, the president of America went to visit Russia. Of course, Russia was still ruled by the Czar back then, and the American President was warmly welcomed by the whole Russian royal household.
As the two leaders and their entourages were dining one day, in one of the huge dining rooms in the palace, the Americans were telling the Russians about some of the great things in their country. One of thetopics of conversaion was the Grand Canyon in Colorado. Of course, the American were quite boastful about this being the largest canyon in the world, when suddenly, from the head of the table, the Czar stood up,and made an announcement.
"In Russia," he said, "we have a canyon even bigger than your Grand Canyon!"
Now no-one was going to stand up and contradict the Czar, but of course no-one believed him either.
Finally, the American president stood up, and said "Okay. Let's see this canyon then."
So an expedition was organised. Of course, their destination was way out in the remote wilderness, and they only had horses to travel with, so the going was slow. But eventually, after several weeks gruellingjourney, they finally arrived at where the canyon was supposed to be.
But there wasn't one. Not even a little one.
And then it dawned on everyone - he had been using Czar chasm to make them look stupid.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 23, 2011, 06:27:28 PM
ah hate yew
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Dysfunctional Cunt on June 23, 2011, 07:32:07 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 23, 2011, 06:27:28 PM
ah hate yew

:lulz:

I was so mad I read that whole thing for a pun....

RWHN however is probably cackling somewhere.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Telarus on June 24, 2011, 02:49:53 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 23, 2011, 05:28:36 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on June 23, 2011, 05:12:51 PM
Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving in a car and they get pulled over. The police officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" and Heisenberg says, "Well, not really, but I can tell you exactly where I was."

The officer thinks that this peculiar response is grounds for a search, and he finds a dead cat in the trunk, and he says, "Do you guys know that there's a dead cat in your trunk?!" Schrödinger replies, "Um, now I do."

:mittens:

Add to this Terry Pratchett's angry quote from Death:  "Well, is it alive or dead?  I have a schedule to keep!"

Frankenjoke posted to FB. 10 likes in 5 minutes.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)
Post by: Idem on June 25, 2011, 09:48:51 PM
Shortly after the Korean War, the son of then South Korean President Syngman Rhee was hired as a Life Magazine correspondent. The younger Rhee was a remarkably kind, gentle and considerate man, but he had one problem: He loved to drink and sometimes was gone on a bender for days. On one occasion, Rhee was missing for three days before someone at the magazine's office finally suggested they look for him. Other correspondents and even the police were involved in the search. Finally, about two weeks later, a policeman walked into a tavern, looked at the man slumped over the bar and cried, "Ah, Sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you."