Rant 51: The Hints

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Rant 51
The Hints

,ÄúF??ibh f?©in at?° sin!,Äù
-Tequilarius Malignatus (when asked about the secret handshake)

,ÄúAnd lo, Eris stood before us with a smirk, even though the rite was intended for some other deity. She spoke before any of us had the chance to. ,ÄòMy children, I give you hotdogs, pop-tarts, and even chili-dogs. What further need have you beyond imbibing of the freedom that is yours?,Äô And we all looked upon Her in awe of the profundity. She just laughed and started throwing unopened beer cans at us. None of us achieved any measure of enlightenment that night, though we remained in awe, no matter how drunk we got.,Äù
-from the Book of the Tequila M??stica Cabal

,ÄúA Note To Homeland Security: Rest assured that the Great Purple Monkey Tzaddik Rouge Discordian Jihad has nothing to do with America or Islamic fanatics, in as much as it can be said that they exist; but solely involves the Discordian Society, which is no threat to American security, in as much as both can be said to exist, in as much as this could be the truth; in as much as the Discordian Society is no threat to anything, whatever any of this can be said to mean.,Äù
-PMM Response to an Email query

There are squirrels everywhere,Ķso many squirrels that the land is completely devoid of nuts and the populace is forced to survive on pizza and beer. The squirrels are said to be taking over. The squirrels are said to be angry at the way the domesticated monkeys known as humans are running things and they have decided to hide all of the nuts. They have gotten the crows and pigeons to join in and now Order,Ñ¢ is threatened as they gnaw their way through the wires and cables that keep the humans in touch with anything that is unreal. If this state of affairs seems sorry to you, then maybe you were only meant to be squirrel bait anyway. Do you think they actually EAT the nuts they hide? No, my friends, but they just might eat you after fattening you up on pizza and beer. Squirrels are the messengers of Eris, and when She is pissy, they get pissed off. And you don,Äôt want to be standing anywhere near them when THEY get angry (although they are a lot of fun when drunk).

,ÄúBut what does that have to do with pop-tarts?,Äù you ask? Well, let me tell you. It,Äôs all about the pigeon shit splattered all over your nice new shiny cars. It,Äôs about the toilet overflowing when you have diarrhea. It,Äôs about the sorry state of the sad lines of commuters you brush past every morning on your way home from Cabal doings on certain glorious mornings. It,Äôs about the reasons why you can,Äôt understand the phrase ,ÄúBeth sy wedi eich deffro chi?,Äù or the phrase ,ÄúOes tequila yn y jwg?,Äù  It,Äôs about the fact that people have decided to start banning cigarette smoke from bars. It,Äôs why you can,Äôt seem to find all of your socks. It,Äôs about the fact that no one outside of the European aristocracy ever believed the earth was flat, even though history books claim otherwise. It,Äôs the reason why Cthulhu is now on a low-carb diet. It,Äôs the reason why portraits of Bob Dobbs,Ñ¢ are being seen in cathedrals across the country. It is why you listen to cats in heat. It,Äôs the reason the Principia Discordia was written. It,Äôs the reason why my pipe can smoke you all. It,Äôs the reason why we Purple Monkeys are moving our base of operations. It is why people often remark that the world is fucked-up when they are stoned. It,Äôs the reason why experimental monkeys can run the government. It is why the roaches like to hide in your toaster. It,Äôs the reason you can,Äôt seem to find your car keys when they,Äôre in your pocket. It is the reason why gnomes go batty for cookies. It is why we are all here. It is why you like plumbing jakes best of all. It,Äôs the reason for this perverse digression. And finally, it,Äôs about the fact that you can either eat pop-tarts toasted or not.

Chaos hints and clues are all over the place. You are one of them, possibly several of them. Would I lie to you? (Forget the truth for a moment and let me play my trustworthy episkopos role, okay?) I want you to know that enlightenment is just a light switch away, but make sure the bulb is screwed in all the way and that you have enough toothpaste for the night. Rejoice, for there is whiskey or tequila in the jar! Rejoice, for the sink is maddening! Rejoice, for the wisps of chaos waft by ever so fragrantly for us Discordians! Rejoice, for the fact that you can just flush your poop down the toilet and don,Äôt have to carry it outside in buckets (no matter which method you yourself prefer)! Rejoice, for air fresheners! Rejoice, for there are fnords on your dollar bills! Rejoice, for whatever Bobdamned reason makes you want to rejoice! The hints and opportunities for laughter are everywhere. Rejoice! Otherwise the squirrels may take you and do all sorts of perverse things to you while singing Tom Jones songs of key in high-pitched wails. And don,Äôt think Eris will save you from that,Ķit is too funny of a spectacle for Her to put a stop to.

This rant is spent. My pipe is smoking and I must be off to tend to it. Remember that donations of tobacco, so you can avoid being smoked in it, are gladly accepted. Its bowl is large and can accommodate any amount of tobacco.

In conclusion, mae ,Äòy mhib yn smygu. Hail Eris!

(Bureaucracy 3rd, 3170)

[AFK]

Aww, not even one comment.  Poor Hugh.