Aunty BadBeast's Agony Column.

[BadBeast]

"Dear Aunrty BadBeast,
My Boyfriend dumped me when I admitted to him that I was cross gendered. Can I sue him for breach of something or other?
Love, Puberta."

Well, Pubert(a) ?,
There's a little bit more to it than that, isn't there Sweety?
It was the way that you told him that drove him away.
Coming home all drunk, and saying you had "something important" to ask him?  (OK, up until now)

Making him wear a blindfold?  That was a really vulnerable moment for him.
And  then, according to his friend, (Who was ONLY IN THE KITCHEN, FFS!!)
You said  "I have a lovely surprise for you, Big Boy, open your mouth!"
He thought it was going to be a Hearts and flowers moment, and that you were going to ask him to marry you!
But  then you said, (And I quote) "Open wider Baby, I've got a throb on, and it's going right in your pie-hole",  then tactlessly  forced him to fellate your new p3nis, in an act of brutal mouth raep!
Well, it came as a bit of a shock to the poor fella, know what I mean?

He said the real clincher,  and what really drove the big spiky stick of skullfuck so  irretrievably deep into his poor abused and battered heart, was the fact that your new c0ck is nearly TWICE THE SIZE OF HIS!

And asking him to refer to it as your "Flame Grilled Whopper" as you almost drowned him with your "Special sauce"??  That was *ahem* the Icing on the Cake!
That must be the crassest thing I ever heard, and beleive me, I've heard some real doodies!

So, In summary, NO, OF COURSE YOU CAN'T SUE HIM, YOU STUPID BITCH!
(And forgive me if I quote your own, long suffering and thankfully, dead Mother's last words here)

"Pubert, Sweety, I love you like a Son,  but you have all the tact and charm, of a pair of badly wrapped, shit sharted underpants, in a 'special' child's Christmas stocking.  If there's any Justice at all in this World, you will die alone, in pain, with sharp things in your face."
(That woman had a rare gift for understatement if you ask me)
I know it sounds a bit brutal, but that's only because I am enjoying this so much  I care about you. ( lol)
Now fuck off.
Hope this helps Dear,   Aunty BadBeast, x.

[Freeky]

 

[BadBeast]

Dear Aunty BadBeast,
Can microbes send telepathic messages?
I know dogs, hamsters, and hedgehogs can.... But I
swear there isn't anyone here and I am still getting messages. How would
mictrobes know that I didn't take my meds today anyway? I think someone
is playing a trick on me perhaps.. I am going to turn the house upside
down, I know there is a hidden camera here.
Love from Trudolph.


Dear Trudolph,
They usually hide the cameras in the bathtub overflow,
or in the lightsockets. Next time you are in the Bath, stand up, and
remove the Bulb from the socket. Poke around in the empty socket, until
the tiny camera falls out. But be careful, as the bulb might be quite
hot.
Hope this helps, Aunty BadBeast.

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Aunty Badbeast,

To whom do I explain my case?  I know, as you know, that it is utterly impossible to get through a day without breaking a law.  To whom do I explain my position, who are the right people?  How do I get absolution from our Glorious Bureaucracy?  I am just a common man, I pay my taxes, they won't drag me away in the night for reasons that are never made clear, right?  Right?

Yours,
F. Kafka

[BadBeast]

Dr F.Kafka (hope I promounced that correctly)
You are not alone. What with today's legislative proceedures, appeal processes, counter appeals, etc, the Laws you are worrying about, actually mean nothing. You will only be expected to account for the Laws you are actually caught in the act of breaking.
Even then, most of the work will be done by a specialist "Get me off" operative or Attorney, who will weasel and lie in order to prove that you didn't actually break anything at all. So things aren't really as bleak as they seem. Absolution is arbitrary. Bureaucracy doesn't care about the details, just the process. And when they come in the night for you, (As they will, for us all one day) they will inform you of the particular transgression for which you are being renditioned.

Eventually.
Hope this helps, Aunty BadBeast.   

[anthonyony]

Dear Aunty BadBeast,
How in the heck am I supposed to keep order in the workplace?  For every-ones' sake Higher Management has decreed smoking to be "...an infectious, subversive, unauthorized habit that steals souls and lowers productivity."  As office manager and enforcer of policy, should I un-employ offenders, or just invent a merit/demotion system?  Should I embarrassingly Fa-breeze these ungrateful schmucks? 
Side Question: Can we conduct urine analysis on the homeless?  Think of the job stimulus THAT would create!!!
Sincerely (oops, just typed the word "Sin")  The Boss

[BadBeast]

Dear Aunty BadBeast,
How in the heck am I supposed to keep order in the workplace?  For every-ones' sake Higher Management has decreed smoking to be "...an infectious, subversive, unauthorized habit that steals souls and lowers productivity."  As office manager and enforcer of policy, should I un-employ offenders, or just invent a merit/demotion system?  Should I embarrassingly Fa-breeze these ungrateful schmucks? 
Side Question: Can we conduct urine analysis on the homeless?  Think of the job stimulus THAT would create!!!
Sincerely (oops, just typed the word "Sin")  The Boss

Dear Anthannoynoy,
You sign yourself off as "The Boss", but maybe you've been punching over your weight, career wise. This is not a popularity contest God damn it! YOU are supposed to be the fist in the velvet glove of Higher Management, not the mitigating Mommy figure! Get those signs up! "SMOKING IS FORBIDDEN IN THE WORKPLACE. ANY EMPLOYEE CAUGHT SMOKING WILL HAVE THEIR CONTRACT TERMINATED"  The Boss.
Then sack anyone who lights up. These spineless addict underlings aren't being paid to like you. Or even to respect you. They are paid to OBEY YOU! Now get back out there, and crack the whip of authority that your shortsighted Bosses have seen fit to entrust you with! Fuck their sensibilities, Fuck their lack of moral fortitude, and Fuck your own namby pamby liberal ideas of fairness! Get out there and make those ungrateful Bolshy bastards FEAR YOU!

Side question. Taking the piss out of the homeless is an unsavoury task, and one that will never be popular. But what you do in your own time is entirely up to you. Now put that cigarette out, and get back to work!
Love, Aunty BadBeast.   

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I miss Badbeast.

It's a rotten shame that he ran off and joined the Cult of Eartha.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Yeah, I liked him, and we made a great trolling team. I still don't get what the deal is with that Eartha chick.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Yeah, I liked him, and we made a great trolling team. I still don't get what the deal is with that Eartha chick.

There's always a con man (person), and they will always find marks.

[Salty]

I wanted to write more RealDoll love stories with him.



I blame Eartha. Whom I assume is actually named Bertha.

[Cain]

Which would make for a fascinating conspiracy theory, since Bertha is the name of a minor PD antagonist circa 2008.