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The Audience is Listening, part I

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, September 21, 2012, 06:16:25 PM

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Freeky

Warning: I'm about to honestly critique this work.

What does the investigation team fear or represent?

I liked it overall, but the juxtaposition doesn't make so much sense, and it was mentioned before that there are perhaps too many things going on.

I'm not sure what I think of the dead crew being called the audience. There is no link between them and the club scenes, so it confuses me a bit.

/critique.

This would make an excellent short story!

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on September 21, 2012, 10:26:01 PM
Warning: I'm about to honestly critique this work.

What does the investigation team fear or represent?

I liked it overall, but the juxtaposition doesn't make so much sense, and it was mentioned before that there are perhaps too many things going on.

I'm not sure what I think of the dead crew being called the audience. There is no link between them and the club scenes, so it confuses me a bit.

/critique.

This would make an excellent short story!

That's going to be how it has to be written, because the idea I had didn't work.  Not all of them DO.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Freeky

Yeah that happens sometimes. The idea is cool, though

tyrannosaurus vex

My brain keeps trying to construct a story where, at the moment of the explosion, the guys in the truck get knocked into their subconsciouses where they assume the roles of the other characters in the story, only the story doesn't reveal that's what is going on until the end.
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: v3x on September 21, 2012, 11:11:50 PM
My brain keeps trying to construct a story where, at the moment of the explosion, the guys in the truck get knocked into their subconsciouses where they assume the roles of the other characters in the story, only the story doesn't reveal that's what is going on until the end.

The guys in the vehicle were already toast.  The fire team found them that way when they opened the crew door.

I need to redo this completely.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

The initial attempt was interesting enough to garner critique, so it's not a total loss.

Nephew Twiddleton

Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

President Television

Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 02:31:52 AM
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant by "temping for Twid."
You generally like Roger's OPs but need time to digest them, and this time around I needed that time.
My shit list: Stephen Harper, anarchists that complain about taxes instead of institutionalized torture, those people walking, anyone who lets a single aspect of themselves define their entire personality, salesmen that don't smoke pipes, Fredericton New Brunswick, bigots, philosophy majors, my nemesis, pirates that don't do anything, criminals without class, sociopaths, narcissists, furries, juggalos, foes.

Nephew Twiddleton

Quote from: Uncle Wallified on September 22, 2012, 04:41:48 AM
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 02:31:52 AM
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant by "temping for Twid."
You generally like Roger's OPs but need time to digest them, and this time around I needed that time.

Ah.  THat's a fair criticism, and one that I noted in myself (but made no attempt to fix) before anyone pointed it out.

I'm not sure if it's that Rog thinks differently, if I do, or a little of both. The hangover bit threw me off since, I think that I'm more or less the town drunk. Or at least the North American town drunk.
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

Nephew Twiddleton

Quote from: Uncle Wallified on September 22, 2012, 04:41:48 AM
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 02:31:52 AM
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant by "temping for Twid."
You generally like Roger's OPs but need time to digest them, and this time around I needed that time.

In addition:

I guess to clarify my general responses though, usually it's "I get it, but I need a little time to think of an appropriate and just as well thought out response (since I usually furtively post from my phone at work these days) as a legitimate response" vs in this, "I... missed something here. I don't know what happened, even though I do like it, and I'm going to keep my idiot mouth shut until someone makes it intelligible to me"
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

Nephew Twiddleton

Though, there was at least one time that I totally misinterpreted him, but he was in favor of that misinterpretation.

Don't ask me what or when it was.

It's Friday ni... very early on Saturday.....
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

Nephew Twiddleton

Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 05:03:46 AM
Though, there was at least one time that I totally misinterpreted him, but he was in favor of that misinterpretation.

Don't ask me what or when it was.

It's Friday ni... very early on Saturday.....

As in, Friday was 5 minutes ago....
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS