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A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, January 23, 2010, 02:58:51 PM

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Rococo Modem Basilisk

Quote from: Cain on January 24, 2010, 08:12:28 PM
Havent you considered literary terrorism?

By which I mean you write thousands of praising reviews and steal phrases from literary theory textbooks to "prove" how amazing it really is?  Then you can sucker others into buying it and having their brains rotted.

I'm pretty sure that's the status quo for professional reviewers -- be overly pretentious in order to make shitty books look desirable.


I am not "full of hate" as if I were some passive container. I am a generator of hate, and my rage is a renewable resource, like sunshine.

The Wizard

Sweet mother of fuck.  :vom: I got through a page. I could write better than this when I was seven. God...
Insanity we trust.

Pariah

One thing I noticed from that ten page excerpt is that, Darrin E. Delzer has such an uncanny ability to craft well rounded realistic characters such as "UNDEAD GOLDEN SKELETON CHAMPION SYQUART"
Play safe! Ski only in a clockwise direction! Let's all have fun together!

Pariah

Apparently he's a philosopher as well
"Inside there is a dragon in all of us, but not all dragons are good, and it shows through their actions and words. So be watchful and listen well. Knowing this will keep you from suffering much heartache"

That's some deep shit.
Play safe! Ski only in a clockwise direction! Let's all have fun together!

President Television

#19
Oh, fuck. Where do I begin? Roger, I'm not surprised that the guy's a total cock-mongler. He writes like one.
My shit list: Stephen Harper, anarchists that complain about taxes instead of institutionalized torture, those people walking, anyone who lets a single aspect of themselves define their entire personality, salesmen that don't smoke pipes, Fredericton New Brunswick, bigots, philosophy majors, my nemesis, pirates that don't do anything, criminals without class, sociopaths, narcissists, furries, juggalos, foes.

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: Remington on January 24, 2010, 07:20:47 AM
This book, it give me hope.

After all, if this guy can get such a horrible genre-rape piece of tripe published, then there's still hope left for getting my stuff published.

Lulu.com is a self-publishing company.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

.

No publishing company would take that pile of dog shit. Doesn't surprise me that he had to self publish. 

LMNO

I strongly suggest that you now go all "Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt", and praise the hell out of it.

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 03:20:04 PM
I strongly suggest that you now go all "Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt", and praise the hell out of it.

LINK ME, BABY
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO


The Good Reverend Roger

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

Really?  Amazon?


QuoteThis item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

QuotePlease keep this shirt out of reach of Chuck Norris. Combining the two would yield omnipotent universe destroying powers.

QuoteDear Amazonian Browsers and Purchasers,

For all 37 years of my life, I have never made much of an impact to society or achieved any true goals in my life. Until now that is. From the moment I got my hands on this beautiful garment my life changed forever. I was your average Joe, the man who went to the office from 9-5, drank 3 cups of coffee a day, ordered a Pizza meal every Friday night while sitting home watching Grey's Anatomy and getting up every Saturday morning for my usual cooking classes (so I could cut back on those pizza meals, ya know?). Life as I'm sure you can imagine was just peachy. Just as I was sitting down to another weekly exhilarating episode of the Gilmore girls, with my Wendy's BBQ ribbed based snack (cutting back on the pizza) and a soda (diet), I was thinking how could this day get any better, and that's when the doorbell rang...

I didn't usually get many visits so I was quite startled to hear that intense ringing flowing through my ears. Compelled with excitement, I was almost overcome to put it on right away but i darn't, for fear of spilling delicious Wendy's triple baconator juice on my fabulous new piece of attire. I kindly asked the deliveryman to wait for a brief moment, I then entered the Kitchen, rinsed my hands, and then re-entered the hallway. But alas! To my misfortune, the deliveryman had escaped along with the immortal t-shirt. No one could resist the power of the T-shirt, not even this humble delivery man! (For you see in my brief absence, the brute of a delivery man evidentially had peered into the package and realized its glorious contents). How could this be? It was foretold to me, by reviewers that have stood before me, that I was destined to possess this relic. I could not stand down. Too long had I suffered the greed of humanity. But no longer was I willing to be the underdog. The chase.....was on!

I grabbed my raincoat and trusty pocket knife and was on my way. As I entered the outside World, it appeared that Chaos was all around me. This Sinister daemon of a Deliveryman, who ascended from the bowels hell, had taken my soul (even though I had not yet experienced the product, I still felt it to be an important part of my life). I entered my Smart car and drove off into the night! I searched around town for a while until I came across that familiar Fedex van encasing destiny itself. While putting my pedal to the metal, Mr. Fedex himself glared out of the van and sped up too. This part of the chase was epic in all proportions (But to summarize, 5 motor vehicles had been destroyed along with the deaths of 2 old ladies). As I was gaining on this dreadful foe, my car took a turn for the worst! At a sharp turn, I felt the vehicle lose complete control and so I had to escape. I dived out of the front seat.

As I tumbled to the ground, I could not help but feel extreme anger. Anger in which I had never felt before. Then I ran! I ran so fast that the deliveryman was in close reach. It was then that I realized..... I was the Wolf! Although not possessing it, my quest for the t-shirt was reason enough for my new amazing powers. I clawed open the Fedex Van's side door and caught hold of the package. And there I had it, the great t-shirt bearing the three wolves and a moon for the price of 1!

Now that I have the one t-shirt to rule them all, my life has changed for the better. Chicks notice me more, I get more respect from my co-workers and I get a discount from Wendy's! Life is sweet and it's all thanks to this fantastic three wolf, one moon t-shirt! All for the neat price of $10.98! What a bargain!

...and so on, for another 1000+ reviews.

The Good Reverend Roger

 :lulz:

That's fucking amazing.

On a related note, my next letter to Harry Reid will be up tonight.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Suu

This is one of them:
QuoteSo I got this wolf shirt because of, you know, the sweet wolves on it.

However, having owned this shirt for three weeks now and having tried it out in a variety of situations, both formal and informal, I'm beginning to believe that some of the benefits ---- as described by other reviewers ---- are exaggerated. For example, not ONE supermodel has approached me. Some of you may be used to having supermodels approach you on a regular basis but, believe me, I am not: I would notice one should she appear in my vicinity.

Similarly, I have not been invited to a vision quest, even though I wore my wolf shirt in New Mexico.

There is one thing, though, and that is that whenever I wear the wolf shirt I have a lot less issues with involuntary urination. I have not studied it long enough, however, to establish a cause/effect relationship.

Once, however, while wearing the wolf shirt I was mistaken for Schneider, the building superintendent on "One Day at a Time."

So I guess the jury is still out.
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

The Good Reverend Roger

re-jack.

I'd like to see more reviews of this guy's book.

A writer like that has to be brutally crushed NOW.  Yes, it's cruel, but society must be protected.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.