Hey, YOU!

[Cainad (dec.)]

What in the name of "Bob's" salty orifices do you think you're doing?

You think this is a joke or something?

Cut that shit out. You'll get us all in trouble.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

No one will notice. Just say the giant statute made out of cod and herring and toenail clippings has always been here. HR ordered it, right? RIGHT!

[Freeky]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.  I JUST WITH THE THING AND THEN A SWORD AND EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR AND THEN HOLY SHIT BALLS AND THEN BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I'm just doing what the User Manual is telling me to do. You think I'm going to attempt something of this magnitude without at least a rudimentary understanding about how this thing works?

Go ahead and lose a few fingers or pop out an eyeball if you like. It came with safety goggles and tongs for a goddamn reason Cainad. A GODDAMN REASON CAINAD.

[Cainad (dec.)]

No one will notice. Just say the giant statute made out of cod and herring and toenail clippings has always been here. HR ordered it, right? RIGHT!

You know damn well those clowns can't remember what they shoved up their ass for breakfast this morning. You're supposed to ignore those kinds of demands from HR. We went over this in the Human Resources Management Management workshop last quarter.

[Cainad (dec.)]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.  I JUST WITH THE THING AND THEN A SWORD AND EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR AND THEN HOLY SHIT BALLS AND THEN BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

You know what, just take the day off and get some sleep...

...tomorrow. Right now, I need you to drop what you're doing and help me put that, um, thing back in the basement storage. We're gonna have a little chat about your storage key privileges later.

[Freeky]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.  I JUST WITH THE THING AND THEN A SWORD AND EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR AND THEN HOLY SHIT BALLS AND THEN BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

You know what, just take the day off and get some sleep...

...tomorrow. Right now, I need you to drop what you're doing and help me put that, um, thing back in the basement storage. We're gonna have a little chat about your storage key privileges later.

NEEDS MORE MAYO FOR THAT.


OH GOD.  NOT THE MAYO.  NOT THE MAYOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[Cainad (dec.)]

I'm just doing what the User Manual is telling me to do. You think I'm going to attempt something of this magnitude without at least a rudimentary understanding about how this thing works?

Go ahead and lose a few fingers or pop out an eyeball if you like. It came with safety goggles and tongs for a goddamn reason Cainad. A GODDAMN REASON CAINAD.

DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, MISTER.

The consultant told me that the interface is intuitive and idiot-proofed. Unless you've managed to invent a better idiot, I'd suggest you cut the crap.

Oh, and you're not allowed to snoop around the server room wearing the gas mask and scaring the interns anymore. It's damned uncivilized.

[Cainad (dec.)]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.  I JUST WITH THE THING AND THEN A SWORD AND EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR AND THEN HOLY SHIT BALLS AND THEN BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

You know what, just take the day off and get some sleep...

...tomorrow. Right now, I need you to drop what you're doing and help me put that, um, thing back in the basement storage. We're gonna have a little chat about your storage key privileges later.

NEEDS MORE MAYO FOR THAT.


OH GOD.  NOT THE MAYO.  NOT THE MAYOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Alright, look, we'll have the specialists come in and handle it.

Please, just stop chewing on my spleen.

[Freeky]

But it's so delicious.

AND IT HELPS ME CALM DOWN!!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I'm just doing what the User Manual is telling me to do. You think I'm going to attempt something of this magnitude without at least a rudimentary understanding about how this thing works?

Go ahead and lose a few fingers or pop out an eyeball if you like. It came with safety goggles and tongs for a goddamn reason Cainad. A GODDAMN REASON CAINAD.

DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, MISTER.

The consultant told me that the interface is intuitive and idiot-proofed. Unless you've managed to invent a better idiot, I'd suggest you cut the crap.

Oh, and you're not allowed to snoop around the server room wearing the gas mask and scaring the interns anymore. It's damned uncivilized.

Intuitive? Just look at this thing! What's this button for? It's GREEN. Who the hell makes a green button? This one is grey. And this one? I don't even know what this color is, do I look like someone who knows about interior design? See this shirt I'm wearing? I call that blue. This thing over here? I call that different kind of blue. If there are no shiny red buttons, how will I know which one does the thing? I want to get the job done efficiently, and with minimal lawsuits.

[Cainad (dec.)]

DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, MISTER.

The consultant told me that the interface is intuitive and idiot-proofed. Unless you've managed to invent a better idiot, I'd suggest you cut the crap.

Oh, and you're not allowed to snoop around the server room wearing the gas mask and scaring the interns anymore. It's damned uncivilized.

Intuitive? Just look at this thing! What's this button for? It's GREEN. Who the hell makes a green button? This one is grey. And this one? I don't even know what this color is, do I look like someone who knows about interior design? See this shirt I'm wearing? I call that blue. This thing over here? I call that different kind of blue. If there are no shiny red buttons, how will I know which one does the thing? I want to get the job done efficiently, and with minimal lawsuits.

Look, you were hired to push the buttons, not earn a goddamn PhD in how to operate these specific buttons.

So just push some goddamn buttons and then we can all go home. Everything else is for the graveyard shift to handle.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, MISTER.

The consultant told me that the interface is intuitive and idiot-proofed. Unless you've managed to invent a better idiot, I'd suggest you cut the crap.

Oh, and you're not allowed to snoop around the server room wearing the gas mask and scaring the interns anymore. It's damned uncivilized.

Intuitive? Just look at this thing! What's this button for? It's GREEN. Who the hell makes a green button? This one is grey. And this one? I don't even know what this color is, do I look like someone who knows about interior design? See this shirt I'm wearing? I call that blue. This thing over here? I call that different kind of blue. If there are no shiny red buttons, how will I know which one does the thing? I want to get the job done efficiently, and with minimal lawsuits.

Look, you were hired to push the buttons, not earn a goddamn PhD in how to operate these specific buttons.

So just push some goddamn buttons and then we can all go home. Everything else is for the graveyard shift to handle.

Alright, I will. But....

I want you to sign this piece of paper saying that I am not legally liable for the consequences. I also want to remotely activate it, via the robot that was included by the good people at Discordicorp, behind the personal shield, also provided by the good people at Discordicorp.

Then I want you to tell me the sequence of buttons to push. I'm guessing from my reading (before you so rudely interrupted me), that it should be turquoise, off-purple, uh.... :pulls out 64 pack of crayola crayons: no... no... Noooooooo... yes! Ah.... burnt sienna, pull the lever to activate the voice command interface, recite Hail Mary in Swahili backwards, sing Bohemian Rhapsody off key, do the Safety Dance, and then hit the big shiny yellow (ish) button and hope for the best?

[Salty]

I've been at it for a decade. What's the harm now?

Plus, look. *shows palms*

Free and clear.

[Cainad (dec.)]

I've been at it for a decade. What's the harm now?

Plus, look. *shows palms*

Free and clear.

Oh sure, it LOOKS clear.

They'll all know the truth the next time the TSA comes to your house for your Friendly Neighborhood Backscatter appointment. Damn things start smoking and blowing circuits when you put that kind of crap in 'em.