Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Two vast and trunkless legs of stone => Topic started by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 21, 2012, 06:16:25 PM

Title: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 21, 2012, 06:16:25 PM
So, yeah, she was a socialite.  Nice girl, if a little shallow...Partied til the small hours, everybody loved her.  This was back in the day, you know?  Reagan years, maybe into Bush 41's presidency.  But she was so dazzled by the strobe lights and the music that she didn't realize that years had passed, and the crowd is kind of laughing behind her back at parties, because she isn't what she used to be.  Well, fuck that crowd.  They loved her when she was young, and she IS still the same person.  Nice, pleasant, wouldn't harm a fly.  Shut your hipster mouth.

Then there's That Guy.  He's almost like her, only he's not as nice.  Same amount of shallow thought, but directed inward.  Still trying to hit on the hotties, only he's balding and looks fucking ridiculous.  Hey, Shaky, take your team and check out that command vehicle, looks almost undamaged.  What the hell goes on in a middle-aged guy's head, if he's the type to constantly creep on 22 year old college students.  Ick.

They're both at the party, and the audience is listening.  The audience is all grins.  Maybe the grins are a little too large, you know almost as if they were rictuses.  Can't get the Goddamn crew door open, go get a tanker bar.  The audience is amused, yet they just sit there, unmoving.

She realizes one day that she hasn't heard an Abba song at a party in decades.  She looks around at the rest of the crowd, and realizes that there's only one other person her age at the party, and he's a nasty creeper that keeps eyeballing the kids.  What's that smell, corporal?  Then she takes the next logical step and realizes that she's partying with kids.  She grabs her jacket, makes her excuses, and goes out to the car.  She cries for 10 minutes before she can calm herself enough to drive.

That Guy tries out his best line on the redhead.  She looks at him, and - she's not a mean kid, she just can't help it - bursts out laughing.  Everyone stops and looks.  Hah, got the bastard, help me open it, and Jones, you stay ready with your rifle.  That Guy, humiliated, looks around at the rest of the audience, who just stand there in a mob, staring though him and grinning that awful grin.  He, too, flees.  He isn't crying, though, he's cursing under his breath at that bitch, that snotty bitch.

She gets off the highway at Congress, and heads for the Hotel Congress.  Walking in, she sees a crowd about her own age, with a few younger and older people there.  JESUS CHRIST, OH SHIT, AW MAN!  She sits at a table by herself, orders a drink, and collects her thoughts.  She's enjoying the band.  This isn't so bad.

That Guy goes home, but the audience is still grinning at him, with their hollow eyes staring right through him.  He sits down in his lazy boy and pulls his pistol out of the desk next to the chair.  Jenkins, for Chrissakes, don't puke on them!  He puts the pistol up to his head, and looks at the audience.

*bang*

And the audience, looking on from the back of the destroyed command vehicle, stacked around the crew door they tried in vain to open when IT happened, applauds with their carbonized hands, staring with their empty sockets, and grinning with their charred teeth.


Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 21, 2012, 06:44:05 PM
Well, this flopped.   :lol:

I was pretty sure it was too clumsy in written form.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Elder Iptuous on September 21, 2012, 06:47:08 PM
i checked thread a few times to see if there was any comment, because i was embarrassed to admit that it flew just over my head.
i'm fuzzy on what the command vehicle represents...
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: President Television on September 21, 2012, 06:49:37 PM
No, it was good, I just don't get the metaphor.
I suspect this is mainly because I'm hung over at the moment and my brain's still pulling itself together. I suppose I'm temping for Twid in that regard.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 21, 2012, 06:49:45 PM
Quote from: Elder Iptuous on September 21, 2012, 06:47:08 PM
i checked thread a few times to see if there was any comment, because i was embarrassed to admit that it flew just over my head.
i'm fuzzy on what the command vehicle represents...

There's four different things happening.  One is the aging socialite, the other is the creeper, and the third is a fire team of infantry investigating a destroyed armored vehicle in one war or another.  The fourth, the audience, are the carbonized crew members who were in the vehicle when it got hit, and were unable to escape the interior fire in the vehicle, due to a jammed crew door.

Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Elder Iptuous on September 21, 2012, 07:01:20 PM
what's the line between the first two and the second two?
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: LMNO on September 21, 2012, 07:08:14 PM
I was going to weigh in, but it looks like this is being covered.  What I didn't get was the metaphorical connection between the stories.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 21, 2012, 07:08:39 PM
Quote from: Elder Iptuous on September 21, 2012, 07:01:20 PM
what's the line between the first two and the second two?

There isn't one.  I kinda mixed the second two in with the first two (It would probaby work better in a visual medium).  The party slowly becomes the audience as the two older people leave the scene, and the fire team sort of just run along inside the rest of the narrative.

There has to be a better way to structure it.  I'm trying to make this work for a larger idea, and I just sort of threw this together as a trial run.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 21, 2012, 07:11:11 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on September 21, 2012, 07:08:14 PM
I was going to weigh in, but it looks like this is being covered.  What I didn't get was the metaphorical connection between the stories.

In this case, different kinds of fear.  Fear of getting old, fear of "losing your place" in the "scene", and fear of death/the dead.

I'm trying to see if I can develop the mechanic to make this work for a longer, different story.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Elder Iptuous on September 21, 2012, 07:11:53 PM
curious to see how you develop it.  :)
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 21, 2012, 07:14:37 PM
Quote from: Fidel Castro on September 21, 2012, 07:11:11 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on September 21, 2012, 07:08:14 PM
I was going to weigh in, but it looks like this is being covered.  What I didn't get was the metaphorical connection between the stories.

In this case, different kinds of fear.  Fear of getting old, fear of "losing your place" in the "scene", and fear of death/the dead.

I'm trying to see if I can develop the mechanic to make this work for a longer, different story.

Could of shortened that to "they're all a form of fear of dying".
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on September 21, 2012, 08:12:08 PM
I think this has promise, especially if you develop the fire team and the crew members a little more early on.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 21, 2012, 08:13:09 PM
Quote from: A Very Hairy Monkey In An Ill-Fitting Tunic on September 21, 2012, 08:12:08 PM
I think this has promise, especially if you develop the fire team and the crew members a little more early on.

Yeah, to do this right it needs to be a short story, not a one-pager.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Luna on September 21, 2012, 08:26:50 PM
It's good, it's just too many images in the same spot, I think...  The reference frame doesn't quite fit.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 21, 2012, 10:16:42 PM
Tempt me to what?

My period of abstaining from booze is well over.

:?
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Freeky on September 21, 2012, 10:26:01 PM
Warning: I'm about to honestly critique this work.

What does the investigation team fear or represent?

I liked it overall, but the juxtaposition doesn't make so much sense, and it was mentioned before that there are perhaps too many things going on.

I'm not sure what I think of the dead crew being called the audience. There is no link between them and the club scenes, so it confuses me a bit.

/critique.

This would make an excellent short story!
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 21, 2012, 10:27:06 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on September 21, 2012, 10:26:01 PM
Warning: I'm about to honestly critique this work.

What does the investigation team fear or represent?

I liked it overall, but the juxtaposition doesn't make so much sense, and it was mentioned before that there are perhaps too many things going on.

I'm not sure what I think of the dead crew being called the audience. There is no link between them and the club scenes, so it confuses me a bit.

/critique.

This would make an excellent short story!

That's going to be how it has to be written, because the idea I had didn't work.  Not all of them DO.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Freeky on September 21, 2012, 10:46:34 PM
Yeah that happens sometimes. The idea is cool, though
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on September 21, 2012, 11:11:50 PM
My brain keeps trying to construct a story where, at the moment of the explosion, the guys in the truck get knocked into their subconsciouses where they assume the roles of the other characters in the story, only the story doesn't reveal that's what is going on until the end.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 21, 2012, 11:36:45 PM
Quote from: v3x on September 21, 2012, 11:11:50 PM
My brain keeps trying to construct a story where, at the moment of the explosion, the guys in the truck get knocked into their subconsciouses where they assume the roles of the other characters in the story, only the story doesn't reveal that's what is going on until the end.

The guys in the vehicle were already toast.  The fire team found them that way when they opened the crew door.

I need to redo this completely.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: LMNO on September 22, 2012, 02:01:04 AM
The initial attempt was interesting enough to garner critique, so it's not a total loss.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 02:31:52 AM
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: President Television on September 22, 2012, 04:41:48 AM
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 02:31:52 AM
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant by "temping for Twid."
You generally like Roger's OPs but need time to digest them, and this time around I needed that time.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 04:54:55 AM
Quote from: Uncle Wallified on September 22, 2012, 04:41:48 AM
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 02:31:52 AM
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant by "temping for Twid."
You generally like Roger's OPs but need time to digest them, and this time around I needed that time.

Ah.  THat's a fair criticism, and one that I noted in myself (but made no attempt to fix) before anyone pointed it out.

I'm not sure if it's that Rog thinks differently, if I do, or a little of both. The hangover bit threw me off since, I think that I'm more or less the town drunk. Or at least the North American town drunk.
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 05:00:14 AM
Quote from: Uncle Wallified on September 22, 2012, 04:41:48 AM
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 02:31:52 AM
Truth be told, I thought I was just retarded/too sleep deprived.

I was interested but had no idea what to make of it.

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant by "temping for Twid."
You generally like Roger's OPs but need time to digest them, and this time around I needed that time.

In addition:

I guess to clarify my general responses though, usually it's "I get it, but I need a little time to think of an appropriate and just as well thought out response (since I usually furtively post from my phone at work these days) as a legitimate response" vs in this, "I... missed something here. I don't know what happened, even though I do like it, and I'm going to keep my idiot mouth shut until someone makes it intelligible to me"
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 05:03:46 AM
Though, there was at least one time that I totally misinterpreted him, but he was in favor of that misinterpretation.

Don't ask me what or when it was.

It's Friday ni... very early on Saturday.....
Title: Re: The Audience is Listening, part I
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 05:04:56 AM
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2012, 05:03:46 AM
Though, there was at least one time that I totally misinterpreted him, but he was in favor of that misinterpretation.

Don't ask me what or when it was.

It's Friday ni... very early on Saturday.....

As in, Friday was 5 minutes ago....