OPEN BAR: it rubs the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again

[Chelagoras The Boulder]

wear a female condom and line it with hot sauce.


pretty sure this one is disproportionate to the crime, but damnit if this didn't occur to me just now and was too beautiful not to share

[Suu]

wear a female condom and line it with hot sauce.


pretty sure this one is disproportionate to the crime, but damnit if this didn't occur to me just now and was too beautiful not to share

...Yeah no. I like the guy, hence why, ya know, I'm marrying him. There will be no Srirachasex.

Our pranks are never hurtful, just sometimes a bit jarring. He knows I don't like Valentine's Day, so he's finding this coincidence HYSTERICAL, whereas I am not. Now, his birthday is April Fools, so I think that's going to be my target.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

wear a female condom and line it with hot sauce.


pretty sure this one is disproportionate to the crime, but damnit if this didn't occur to me just now and was too beautiful not to share

...Yeah no. I like the guy, hence why, ya know, I'm marrying him. There will be no Srirachasex.

Our pranks are never hurtful, just sometimes a bit jarring. He knows I don't like Valentine's Day, so he's finding this coincidence HYSTERICAL, whereas I am not. Now, his birthday is April Fools, so I think that's going to be my target.

I can see it now. He unwraps his present. It's a Victoria Secret box. You say "Well really, it's for me and you." He lifts the lid with an eager leer. And gets a cream pie in the kisser. You take pictures and post on YouTube, Pintrest, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Many LULZ ensue.

Or. You tell him for his birthday you gave him chlamydia, etc. And then present the box of plushie microbes. Bonus: plushie sperm with pictures of his face as a toddler taped on.

[Salty]

Booze is no longer my friend. Every time I have a beer or a couple vodkas I get depressed and want to bang anything, I don't want to massage anyone, and just fall into dispair.

Which isn't really a problem, it's just weird. Still think I'll go to the bars I like, sip on some virgin cocktails, chat with strangers. There's not much else to do socially around here.

[Junkenstein]

People I have never met, or even heard of are sending me linkedin requests. I don't even have a linkedin account.

The strange thing is the industries involved - Publishing, IT and Education are realms where I know fuck all. Some kind of virus or spam seems the most logical explanation, but I'm almost inclined to call the chap from the publishing house just in case.

[Suu]

wear a female condom and line it with hot sauce.


pretty sure this one is disproportionate to the crime, but damnit if this didn't occur to me just now and was too beautiful not to share

...Yeah no. I like the guy, hence why, ya know, I'm marrying him. There will be no Srirachasex.

Our pranks are never hurtful, just sometimes a bit jarring. He knows I don't like Valentine's Day, so he's finding this coincidence HYSTERICAL, whereas I am not. Now, his birthday is April Fools, so I think that's going to be my target.

I can see it now. He unwraps his present. It's a Victoria Secret box. You say "Well really, it's for me and you." He lifts the lid with an eager leer. And gets a cream pie in the kisser. You take pictures and post on YouTube, Pintrest, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Many LULZ ensue.

Or. You tell him for his birthday you gave him chlamydia, etc. And then present the box of plushie microbes. Bonus: plushie sperm with pictures of his face as a toddler taped on.

The STD one doesn't work as well because he's required by the Navy to be tested annually, though the plushy sperm could be funny. The cream pie would be full of win until he found a way to backfire it on me.  ~_~

I'm thinking of making him a cake this year. I made him one last year that was his favorite, and covered it with exactly 32 burning candles. This year, the cake will be an iced cardboard box.  And then I'll hide brownies in the fridge or something.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Booze is no longer my friend. Every time I have a beer or a couple vodkas I get depressed and want to bang anything, I don't want to massage anyone, and just fall into dispair.

Which isn't really a problem, it's just weird. Still think I'll go to the bars I like, sip on some virgin cocktails, chat with strangers. There's not much else to do socially around here.

That's not at all an uncommon reaction to alcohol during times of emotional strain. Knocking it off is a great idea. So is socializing.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I am having a moment of amuse browsing Yelp and seeing all these Seattlites shrilly insisting that Portland doesn't have its own cuisine or culture, it's just a trickle-down of Seattle. One guy insisted - I shit you not - that salmon really has its origins in Seattle. Salmon. That fish that's, like, everywhere, and that NW indians all up and down the Pacific NW coast eat an average of 300 lbs of per year. Came from Seattle, apparently. Hell, maybe the idea of eating came from Seattle, too. And fire. And the sun, and being on the West Coast.

What I don't get is why so many Seattlites seem to be so threatened by Portland having its own identity. It isn't a competition. There's no challenge. I've never heard anybody in Portland be all "OMG Seattle drools, they just wish they were Portland!" because, c'mon, it's another city, in another state, perfectly lovely in its own right.

[East Coast Hustle]

I spent about 3 minutes trying to find an appropriate analogy for how ridiculously huge Seattle's inferiority complex is but I failed because I couldn't think of a grandiose enough analogy. I mean, they're so insecure that they spend a good chunk of time bashing Everett, FFS, and we're just the far-flung ass-end of the metro area with about 1/6 as many people as Seattle proper.

[Suu]

Booze is no longer my friend. Every time I have a beer or a couple vodkas I get depressed and want to bang anything, I don't want to massage anyone, and just fall into dispair.

Which isn't really a problem, it's just weird. Still think I'll go to the bars I like, sip on some virgin cocktails, chat with strangers. There's not much else to do socially around here.

That's not at all an uncommon reaction to alcohol during times of emotional strain. Knocking it off is a great idea. So is socializing.

What she said.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I spent about 3 minutes trying to find an appropriate analogy for how ridiculously huge Seattle's inferiority complex is but I failed because I couldn't think of a grandiose enough analogy. I mean, they're so insecure that they spend a good chunk of time bashing Everett, FFS, and we're just the far-flung ass-end of the metro area with about 1/6 as many people as Seattle proper.

They bash EVERETT??? That's like Portland feeling threatened by Aloha. An inferiority complex explains a lot, although I can't for the life of me understand why they'd have one. It's a perfectly lovely city by just about any standards.

[Salty]

From what I have observed the people of Seattle possess a default state of tepid misery and bland self loathing.

The only people I ever got along with there were all from outside as well.

[Suu]

I received a package today that was accidentally addressed to me. I was hoping for a present, but, alas, I have 45lbs of Rev War white knickers.

FORTY-FIVE POUNDS OF REDCOAT PANCE I HAD TO CARRY UP 3 FLOORS.

[East Coast Hustle]

I spent about 3 minutes trying to find an appropriate analogy for how ridiculously huge Seattle's inferiority complex is but I failed because I couldn't think of a grandiose enough analogy. I mean, they're so insecure that they spend a good chunk of time bashing Everett, FFS, and we're just the far-flung ass-end of the metro area with about 1/6 as many people as Seattle proper.

They bash EVERETT??? That's like Portland feeling threatened by Aloha. An inferiority complex explains a lot, although I can't for the life of me understand why they'd have one. It's a perfectly lovely city by just about any standards.

We won a major sports championship and ONE MILLION PEOPLE showed up to celebrate. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm a lifelong fan and I'm stoked. But this was some sort of MAJOR VALIDATING MOMENT in these peoples' lives.

And there's hardly anybody left in Seattle that's actually FROM Seattle. It's true of Pugetopolis in general but way more so in Seattle, with it's population made up almost entirely of immigrants, both foreign and domestic. The people that actually qualify as old PNW stock, if you can find them, are usually pretty solid people. They're the descendents of the Scandihoovians and Finns that moved out here to fish and log and be somewhere that sort of reminded them of home and they built a largely tolerant and progressive society (with a mean pro-labor streak and lingering overtones of socialism) that subsequent generations of interlopers have done their best to destroy.

It is awfully pretty, though. But then, so are Everett or Tacoma or any number of other smaller cities that line Puget Sound and don't suffer from Seattle's melange of bullshit.

[minuspace]

Plus they were always there to catch Eddie Vedder's stage dives.