Messages

I'm not gonna quit. I just need to keep eating, keep sleeping and dreaming, keep breathing deep, keep reading and KEEP FUCKING WRITING.

Holy shit, when did I start loving to write?

Who cares?  Fucking RUN WITH IT!

[give a reach around unless you tie it down and hold a gun to its head.]

Sometimes when things fuck you up you have to fuck them back. Cause life doesn't often give a reach around unless you tie it down and hold a gun to its head. Life is kinky like that.

Picturing this is mind boggling.

[fuck caddisflies]

Fuck this assistantship, fuck caddisflies, fuck Cheumatofuckingpsyche, fuck my thesis, fuck my advisor, fuck this department, this entomology program, this school, fuck this town, fuck football, fuck the south and fuck all the goddamn people who live there.

KAI!  NOOOOOOO!

Oh man I know what you're talking about.  I'm pretty new at this job, you know, so I was pretty freaked out when my eyelids and half of my left eyebrow split off and dropped onto my lap (the right one is still on and only got patchy at places so it has a crazy zig-zaggy style to it that I'm really into right now).  I thought it was from staring at these computer screens all day, what with one being on each side of me then a strategically placed television on a third side so to escape them I'd need to burrow.

My co-workers were getting pissed at me because they thought I was staring at them all the time.  I mean, I get it, because I definitely was staring at them.  I couldn't help it, I saw them in a whole new light, which is to say total light because my damn eyelids were tucked away in a tissue in my wallet so that I can staple them back on when I have some privacy.  Anyway sometimes the light showed me great things like a bunch of them are just working stiffs who want to make their buck and go home to their families and I'm COOL WITH THAT, you know, if that's what they want to do.  I mean these are the guys who know more about personal finance and not getting fucked over better than most bankers.  Sometimes they just buy dumb shit and eat like crap until they have to get gastric bypass surgery.

Then the other ones are all about Being In Charge and I don't like those co-workers of mine now that my eyelids have fallen off.  My work is a jail, not in the metaphorical sense of having black iron bars and stone walls and stuff but in the literal sense of us keeping rapists and gang members behind electronically sealed doors.  So those Being In Charge people are pretty much everywhere on BOTH sides of the cell doors.  Yesterday one of them was pissed at me because I parked too close to his car so he was telling me off in the parking lot.

The guy kept telling me that if my car was too close to his when he left he'd "go right through the fuckin' door."  So I told him I'd move it soon and asked him when he'd be leaving and he said "whenever I'm ready to go."  Now my eyeballs are all burning because there's a nice fall breeze outside but there's nothing to protect them but I knew what to do in this situation.  I walked up to him and said "What's your name?"  He gave me his name and I said "Hi, I'm EaterOfClowns," which is my real name, and I shook his hand and said "nice to meet you."  Just then he wasn't Being In Charge, I showed him that I could do it too and that it wasn't always the same as Being A Dick.

I mean, maybe if all the people who are into Being In Charge stopped and thought about that Someone Else In Charge we could find that person and show them what it's like to have their faces crack, that it's not all that bad.  It should be easy to find them, right?  After all, I don't have any eyelids anymore.

[Almost every generation seems to think that the world is gonna end in their time]

I was raised knowing the TRUTH about this fucked up world. I knew that humans had been on earth exactly 6000 years when I was born. I knew that Satan had been kicked out of heaven in 1914 which started WWI and I knew that "This generation that saw all of these things would by no means pass away" before Jesus came to put Satan in the Abyss, kill the evil leaders of Christendom and other False Religions, as well as all those evil government leaders... and anyone else who was a Bad Person.

Then I knew the truth about how he would heal all of our ailments and scars and injuries. God would raise the dead, bring us all back to perfection, we would no longer have to eat meat and we would be at perfect peace with the animals... just like in the Garden of Eden.

These days, I've decided that I don't know the Truth about this fucked up world... I only know the experiences I have, in the context that I had them. I'm perhaps more optimistic than many other Discordians... but after hearing that the world was gonna end, my entire life... the concept seems silly now. Almost every generation seems to  think that the world is gonna end in their time, that things have Never Been Worse. In some sense, they're right... the world that they were born into, the world that they grew up in WILL end. It likely will be destroyed before the end of their life, replaced by the next generations world... and that generation will see Armageddon come for them as well.

It was my intent to partially comment on this in my last post, but Iason's Hebrews comment was just to goddamn good.

Life has gone on for millions of years (or thousands depending on what you believe)... I doubt we're in much worse of a shit sandwich than the people before us. I mean hell, a couple hundred years ago we'd be drinking Quicksilver for our health. We'd have a life expectancy of 30 or 40 years, we'd most likely be illiterate and work in fields with little time to think about how shitty the world around us is, or what our philosophy was. I'm not saying we live in a world of roses and candy, but this world is "fucked up" only in some sense... in many other ways, its amazing, fantastic, beautiful, mysterious, exciting and weird as hell.

I also don't see this world as artificial. It's as real as any version of the world before. Sure, people manipulate other people, but that's always been true. People treat each other badly, but that also seems a permanent part of our species.

For me, I can stand it and endure it because the world I live in right now, is a billion times more interesting, exciting, challenging and inspiring than the world that I grew up in.

And we might well have been happier for it.

It's easy.  The end of the world will probably come in our lifetimes.

And we'll have front row tickets.

Yes, that's just what the Hebrews thought.

It's easy.  The end of the world will probably come in our lifetimes.

And we'll have front row tickets.

and I'll forget this city.

Do you really believe that?

No.  But it's a forgotten city and that's not what we do to it that's what it does to us.

I live in a city forgotten, where streetlights lit the way in splendor unseen worldwide.  Eventually those lights went out because they were fueled by oil from whales and we all know that's wrong because whales are beautiful and we were guilty about killing them more than we ever were about taking advantage of those evil men with the long beards and strange clothes.  Once called the city of the future by foreign dignitaries we became a city dependent on its past for its future.  But they were right.  It's a grim city and that future that is now the present is grim.

In every direction is an old Victorian house with creaky boards and woodwork as grand as anything, the kind with narrow staircases and not very many windows.  And on some of these those windows are boarded up and spraypainted with that furious unselfaware wailing of the disenfranchised.  Then in others those narrow staircases lead to a heavy door at each floor bolted by the families inside who don't talk to the people living above or below them.  Everywhere else is vinyl sided with a dingy city grime on it that settles itself even onto the new things.  It's all very cheap though, for quality woodwork that only needs love that nobody can give it anymore.  Maybe the governor will put a commuter rail stop here to the big city up north and maybe we can find work there and maybe they can come live for something less than the value of their kidneys.

My place is cheap, too, and my street is in the thick of the rundown but it's a nice street where you can forget about how the rest of the city looks.  It's almost like the downtown area, with its cobblestones and its arts nights and its waterfront that perpetually smells like low tide.  The shiny downtown where not enough people spend not enough money.  But on my street everything's fine.  The landlords live on site and there's a church three houses down from mine and I think I even spotted a BMW and a Prius parked here once.  It's a still standing bastion of how good this city can be.  I'll be sure to tell the old lady who lives downstairs that sleeps on her couch because her place is so big and she's all alone and she got robbed last week in the time it took me to get an oil change.  I guess even if we look out for each other there are plenty others looking out for when we aren't able to look out.

All my friends and I went to college and we came back so excited to pick this city up and dust it off and let it breath.  They're working at liquor stores or unemployed now and I work at the Sheriff's office where I dispatch our ambulances to our hospitals and I don't even hear of that many gunshot wounds.  The rest of the talent left the city; they knew it doesn't want their talent.  And one day I'll bring mine elsewhere.  I'll get out of here, and I'll forget this city.

NO THEY DON'T, GO DIE IN A FIRE
I WANT TO REACH THROUGH YOUR MONITOR, GRAB YOU BY THE LIPS, AND YANK

WILL YOU BE LIKE, "THAT WAS OKAY"?

NO, YOU'LL BE LIKE, "THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME AND NOW MY EYES ARE OPEN TO THE RAINBOWS AND THE MIRACLES"

The love, it is so great!

Newsfeed.

the LOVE revolution > the HATE revolution > the Meh revolution

They all have their virtues.

what are you talking about? Everything is great! 

I DISAGREE ENTIRELY.

Everything is okay.  Everything is always exactly as good as okay. 

that's bullshit trash ass-post that you typed with your butt and you know it
you milquetoast turd burgler

That's okay with me.

That looks dangerous.  And delicious.

what are you talking about? Everything is great! 

I DISAGREE ENTIRELY.

Everything is okay.  Everything is always exactly as good as okay.