Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Discordian Recipes => Topic started by: The Dark Monk on June 24, 2012, 02:31:39 PM

Title: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Dark Monk on June 24, 2012, 02:31:39 PM
(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/546931_333827209998771_1124692925_n.jpg)
This.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Cain on June 24, 2012, 04:50:49 PM
You know nothing.

(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/94/Deep-fried_mars_bars.JPG/220px-Deep-fried_mars_bars.JPG)

(http://fxcuisine.com/blogimages/scotland/deep-fried-pizza/scottish-deep-fried-pizza-07-500.jpg)

(http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2006-12/14/xinsrc_1421203142106078796137.jpg)

The above is known in Scotland as "an afternoon snack".
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Dark Monk on June 24, 2012, 05:00:06 PM
I must delve more into the secrets of the South, birthplace of type 2 diabetes, I will be back with a recipe/butter/artery clogging response!
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Cain on June 24, 2012, 05:04:46 PM
That second one is a deep-fried kebab pizza.

Deep fried.

Kebab.

Pizza!

There is a reason people in Scotland have a shorter life expectancy than people in Central Africa.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Dark Monk on June 24, 2012, 05:09:13 PM
(http://images.media-allrecipes.com/userphotos/250x250/00/09/76/97698.jpg)
(http://images.media-allrecipes.com/userphotos/250x250/00/00/74/7495.jpg)
(http://www.sptsb.com/HTH%20Fried%20Pickle%20at%20Magnolia.jpg)

Here we have colon incinerating pulled pork, chili that WILL give you a beer gut, this picture lacks the 9lbs of cheese and sour cream however, and fried pickles which though not all that unhealthy, should be posted because they are FUCKING DELICIOUS. Previous picture was deep fried bacon wrapped cornish game hen with twice baked cheddar garlic potatoes.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Dark Monk on June 24, 2012, 05:09:53 PM
Quote from: Cain on June 24, 2012, 05:04:46 PM
That second one is a deep-fried kebab pizza.

Deep fried.

Kebab.

Pizza!

There is a reason people in Scotland have a shorter life expectancy than people in Central Africa.

I would and WILL find a way to eat this.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Cain on June 24, 2012, 05:22:42 PM
I've had the deep fried Mars Bar.  I do not recommend.  It sits on your stomach like a small, lead weight of doom and bad indigestion, making you discinlined to move or in fact do anything for the next 12 hours.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Dark Monk on June 24, 2012, 05:36:17 PM
Quote from: Cain on June 24, 2012, 05:22:42 PM
I've had the deep fried Mars Bar.  I do not recommend.  It sits on your stomach like a small, lead weight of doom and bad indigestion, making you discinlined to move or in fact do anything for the next 12 hours.

Here at carnivals we get deep fried snickers bars, deep fried coke (which is actually funnel cake flavored with coke), pigs feet (chewy but not all bad tasting, pickled eggs, and I once saw a contest for deep fried habaneros, with a ghost chili kicker at the end. I think there was a waver for that one. We got some crazy shit from time to time, like tobacco spitting contests which of course, the toothless inbreeds always win at that, the physics of lacking teeth to forceful mouth projectiles is astounding.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on June 24, 2012, 05:56:22 PM
You've forgotten deep fried Twinkies, and now I want one.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: MMIX on June 24, 2012, 06:18:44 PM
I disagree Cain, you are probably mostly right but deep fried Mars Bars aren't always indigestible. There's a chippy in Stirling that used to do a stunning haggis and chips and a really delicate deep fried Mars Bar.

Haggis makes everything better, though, here's a bag I bought the other day for a laugh. Turns out they are really really tasty

(http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a289/goblinhill/Haggiscrisps.jpg)


and what is not to love about naturally grown haggis?


edited for fat fingers . . .
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 24, 2012, 06:30:50 PM
Texas: If the death penalty doesn't kill you, the chickenfried steak smothered in white gravy with sausage chunks in it and a side of hash browns or french fries (also generally smothered in gravy but I couldn't find a pic) will!

(http://www.nicegraphics.com/chow/WhitePalace-CFS.jpg)
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 24, 2012, 07:21:41 PM
I hate to rain on y'alls' parades, but done properly, deep-frying is a reasonably healthy way to prepare your food.

Of course, the food being deep-fried can, itself, be horribly unhealthy, and most people don't have the first clue how to deep-fry things correctly, but still.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Salty on June 24, 2012, 07:45:14 PM
I try to stick to food that will give me the most bang for my buck. I don't like eating as much as most people for some reason. Fried food is all right, more dense than a lot of stuff but it fills me up and I don't eat anything else. Same goes for ice cream. I can eat a tub of that stuff and nothing else for most of the day.

I think the #1 way to start is just like NOT being a fat bastard eat a piece of fruit, not a banana, to get things going. Then oatmeal every single morning. Then add an egg or two.

Lunch and dinner is easy to make big. It's breakfast that's a challenge, for me anyway.

Sorry, I'm out of food-porn.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Salty on June 24, 2012, 07:48:31 PM
I used to eat peanut butter like it was going out of style.

And then it did. At least in my body. Fucking legumes. Fuck legumes.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Cain on June 24, 2012, 07:59:31 PM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on June 24, 2012, 07:21:41 PM
I hate to rain on y'alls' parades, but done properly, deep-frying is a reasonably healthy way to prepare your food.

Of course, the food being deep-fried can, itself, be horribly unhealthy, and most people don't have the first clue how to deep-fry things correctly, but still.

"Done properly" is not one frequently associates with Scottish cuisine.

They'd deep fry Irn-Bru up there, if they could figure out how.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 24, 2012, 08:34:47 PM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on June 24, 2012, 07:21:41 PM
I hate to rain on y'alls' parades, but done properly, deep-frying is a reasonably healthy way to prepare your food.

Of course, the food being deep-fried can, itself, be horribly unhealthy, and most people don't have the first clue how to deep-fry things correctly, but still.

You mean "hot, fast, in a decent oil and well drained"? Like fish?
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 24, 2012, 09:33:12 PM
Fish, chicken, veggies, etc. The key is to have CLEAN oil, know the correct temperature for what you're frying (fish, potatoes, and chicken all have different ideal temps), and DO FUCKING NOT put anything in the oil until it has reached that target temp. And then drain it properly, on paper-covered racks.

Needless to say, hardly anybody does all of that.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 24, 2012, 09:33:30 PM
So yeah, basically what you already said. :lulz:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 24, 2012, 09:41:07 PM
You explained it better.  :lol:

You're right about the different temperatures. Chicken seems to need a good hot scald first to keep the crust from coming off, but after that I always had to turn it down some.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 24, 2012, 10:25:03 PM
Chicken wants 375, fish wants 340, and potatoes are a little more flexible but should generally be around 350. It's important to cut everything to sizes/thicknesses that will ensure they're fully cooked at their target temp before the batter/breading burns (or the outside surface in the case of potatoes).
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 24, 2012, 11:12:04 PM
Chicken hotter than fish? So best to avoid bone-in cut-up fryers and just cut everything small?

The way I learned (NOT saying this is right, bear with me) is this, it's pretty SOP in the south:

We never used thermometers or anything. For fish, get the oil so hot it's almost ready to smoke. The person who showed me held a kitchen match over the oil and it lit by itself from the heat. Put the pieces in one by one. When they float up, they're ready. It doesn't take much time so have everything set up before you start frying. This always works great.

For chicken (a cut-up fryer, not strips) get the oil almost as hot as for fish but not quite. Put the pieces in the same way and get a good scald on them, then turn the heat down and put a lid on it. If you cook it too fast it'll be bloody in the middle. Those deep cast iron pans are best for chicken, BTW. The downside is that it tends to be GREASY AS FUCK.

I learned my frying from old people and all of them were kind of pro-grease. :x  I've actually been yelled at for poking fork holes in boiling sausage to let some of the grease out.  :lol:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on June 24, 2012, 11:58:37 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on June 24, 2012, 06:30:50 PM
Texas: If the death penalty doesn't kill you, the chickenfried steak smothered in white gravy with sausage chunks in it and a side of hash browns or french fries (also generally smothered in gravy but I couldn't find a pic) will!

(http://www.nicegraphics.com/chow/WhitePalace-CFS.jpg)

I fucking love chickenfried steak! LOVE IT.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Elder Iptuous on June 25, 2012, 12:01:17 AM
texas state fair had deep fried butter a couple years ago here.
just....
butter.
deep-fried.

ETA: oh. and we had deep fried beer.  some guy figured out how to do it.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 25, 2012, 12:08:44 AM
Quote from: Elder Iptuous on June 25, 2012, 12:01:17 AM
texas state fair had deep fried butter a couple years ago here.
just....
butter.
deep-fried.

ETA: oh. and we had deep fried beer.  some guy figured out how to do it.

I knew somebody would figure that out sooner or later.  :lulz:

And yes, Nigel. Chickenfried steak is fucking AMBROSIA.
But lethal. Not so much the steak itself but the pile of fries and cup of white gravy that's almost mandated with it. :lol:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Elder Iptuous on June 25, 2012, 12:13:00 AM
the steak itself is really just a medium for the gravy.
and it adds a bit of texture.
but it's the gravy that's the key.
god, i love that shit.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 25, 2012, 12:57:01 AM
And the crust. Crust should be a thickish wrinkley mass of OMFGYES.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 25, 2012, 01:02:27 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on June 24, 2012, 11:12:04 PM
Chicken hotter than fish? So best to avoid bone-in cut-up fryers and just cut everything small?

The way I learned (NOT saying this is right, bear with me) is this, it's pretty SOP in the south:

We never used thermometers or anything. For fish, get the oil so hot it's almost ready to smoke. The person who showed me held a kitchen match over the oil and it lit by itself from the heat. Put the pieces in one by one. When they float up, they're ready. It doesn't take much time so have everything set up before you start frying. This always works great.

For chicken (a cut-up fryer, not strips) get the oil almost as hot as for fish but not quite. Put the pieces in the same way and get a good scald on them, then turn the heat down and put a lid on it. If you cook it too fast it'll be bloody in the middle. Those deep cast iron pans are best for chicken, BTW. The downside is that it tends to be GREASY AS FUCK.

I learned my frying from old people and all of them were kind of pro-grease. :x  I've actually been yelled at for poking fork holes in boiling sausage to let some of the grease out.  :lol:

TBH, when I do bone-in fryers I par-cook the chicken before I bread it and fry it. I'm sure it's sacrilege, but it turns out really good and it really cuts down on worrying about your time-to-temp ratio. My preferred method is to brine the chicken for a day then roast it in a foil-covered pan until it's about 2/3 done. The brining and foil-covering keeps it moist and then all you have to do is batter it and let it sit in the fryer until the batter is crispy and you're all good.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on June 25, 2012, 01:10:12 AM
I want all of this in my face RIGHT NOW.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 25, 2012, 01:15:19 AM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on June 25, 2012, 01:02:27 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on June 24, 2012, 11:12:04 PM
Chicken hotter than fish? So best to avoid bone-in cut-up fryers and just cut everything small?

The way I learned (NOT saying this is right, bear with me) is this, it's pretty SOP in the south:

We never used thermometers or anything. For fish, get the oil so hot it's almost ready to smoke. The person who showed me held a kitchen match over the oil and it lit by itself from the heat. Put the pieces in one by one. When they float up, they're ready. It doesn't take much time so have everything set up before you start frying. This always works great.

For chicken (a cut-up fryer, not strips) get the oil almost as hot as for fish but not quite. Put the pieces in the same way and get a good scald on them, then turn the heat down and put a lid on it. If you cook it too fast it'll be bloody in the middle. Those deep cast iron pans are best for chicken, BTW. The downside is that it tends to be GREASY AS FUCK.

I learned my frying from old people and all of them were kind of pro-grease. :x  I've actually been yelled at for poking fork holes in boiling sausage to let some of the grease out.  :lol:

TBH, when I do bone-in fryers I par-cook the chicken before I bread it and fry it. I'm sure it's sacrilege, but it turns out really good and it really cuts down on worrying about your time-to-temp ratio. My preferred method is to brine the chicken for a day then roast it in a foil-covered pan until it's about 2/3 done. The brining and foil-covering keeps it moist and then all you have to do is batter it and let it sit in the fryer until the batter is crispy and you're all good.

That sounds excellent.
We used to brine rabbits and they were always awesome. It was to get the funkiness out, people usually added some vinegar too. But now that I think about it, I never had a dry piece of rabbit and they really don't have fat on them.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on June 25, 2012, 03:17:25 AM
ECH, you're dodging the question, what do I need to eat to be a fat bastard?

I'm 6'1" and barely 138 pounds. :crankey:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 25, 2012, 04:26:14 AM
Peanut butter milkshakes with cheesecake.  :fap:

But seriously, I wouldn't worry about it. You'll probably outlive EVERYBODY.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 25, 2012, 04:57:22 AM
Quote from: Net on June 25, 2012, 03:17:25 AM
ECH, you're dodging the question, what do I need to eat to be a fat bastard?

I'm 6'1" and barely 138 pounds. :crankey:

That reminds me, when I get home you're coming over for dinner. I'll try to make it as calorie-laden as possible.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Triple Zero on June 25, 2012, 02:57:13 PM
This thread inspired me to make a toast cheese sandwich with bacon and aged gouda and sambal badjak and bacon.

I tried to snap a picture but I ated it.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: LMNO on June 25, 2012, 04:50:21 PM
I offer the following for your consideration:

(http://image3.examiner.com/images/blog/EXID4208/images/Krispy_Kreme_Burger1.jpg)

This is a bacon cheesburger between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts.

Courtesy our newest poster child for DIABEETUS, Paula Deen.

Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Elder Iptuous on June 25, 2012, 05:07:16 PM
wtf is the appeal of that?!
the sugar would ruin the taste of a burger.
plus, a decent burger is already messy enough without being glazed.



ooh... but if you could make a burger in kolache format, that would be awesome...
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 25, 2012, 06:35:38 PM
Quote from: Elder Iptuous on June 25, 2012, 05:07:16 PM
wtf is the appeal of that?!
the sugar would ruin the taste of a burger.
plus, a decent burger is already messy enough without being glazed.



ooh... but if you could make a burger in kolache format, that would be awesome...

Sausage kolaches. I've never seen them frosted, though. Just wrapped in mildly sweet yellow dough made with a fuckton of egg yolks and no whites. I can post the recipe if anybody wants it.

Sausage goes with all kinds of sweet. That's why people push them around in pancake syrup.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Elder Iptuous on June 25, 2012, 06:42:37 PM
they have the pastry kolaches with the fruit in them, and they are sugary.  like with the crystallized sugar on top...
not the meat ones though.

i love stopping at the czech stop in West whenever i go down to austin.

but i'm wondering if there's a way to have a cheeseburger in a kolache.  somehow have the meat, cheese and bread hot with the veggies cold inside...
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on June 26, 2012, 02:33:45 AM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on June 25, 2012, 04:57:22 AM
Quote from: Net on June 25, 2012, 03:17:25 AM
ECH, you're dodging the question, what do I need to eat to be a fat bastard?

I'm 6'1" and barely 138 pounds. :crankey:

That reminds me, when I get home you're coming over for dinner. I'll try to make it as calorie-laden as possible.

8)
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on June 26, 2012, 02:38:22 AM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 25, 2012, 04:50:21 PM
I offer the following for your consideration:

(http://image3.examiner.com/images/blog/EXID4208/images/Krispy_Kreme_Burger1.jpg)

This is a bacon cheesburger between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts.

Courtesy our newest poster child for DIABEETUS, Paula Deen.

You're shitting me.

"Hey, everybody!  We don't need to worry about things we eat!  Yeah, screw making insulin, we'll just shoot up whenever!"
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 26, 2012, 06:20:03 AM
Quote from: Elder Iptuous on June 25, 2012, 06:42:37 PM
they have the pastry kolaches with the fruit in them, and they are sugary.  like with the crystallized sugar on top...
not the meat ones though.

i love stopping at the czech stop in West whenever i go down to austin.

but i'm wondering if there's a way to have a cheeseburger in a kolache.  somehow have the meat, cheese and bread hot with the veggies cold inside...

Just make hamburger buns out of kolache dough, I guess.
Takes awhile, though. The good kind has to rise twice.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Cain on June 26, 2012, 08:48:52 AM
Quote from: Cain on June 24, 2012, 07:59:31 PM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on June 24, 2012, 07:21:41 PM
I hate to rain on y'alls' parades, but done properly, deep-frying is a reasonably healthy way to prepare your food.

Of course, the food being deep-fried can, itself, be horribly unhealthy, and most people don't have the first clue how to deep-fry things correctly, but still.

"Done properly" is not one frequently associates with Scottish cuisine.

They'd deep fry Irn-Bru up there, if they could figure out how.

Via TDM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDimFZ0peu4

Deep Fried Irn Bru Butter Balls  :argh!:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Cain on June 26, 2012, 08:52:52 AM
Quote from: MMIX on June 24, 2012, 06:18:44 PM
I disagree Cain, you are probably mostly right but deep fried Mars Bars aren't always indigestible. There's a chippy in Stirling that used to do a stunning haggis and chips and a really delicate deep fried Mars Bar.

Haggis makes everything better, though, here's a bag I bought the other day for a laugh. Turns out they are really really tasty

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a289/goblinhill/Haggiscrisps.jpg


and what is not to love about naturally grown haggis?


edited for fat fingers . . .

Properly made haggis is a joy to eat.  In my four years in Scotland, I managed to have it once.  The rest of the time it was the dreaded haggis from a can, or worse, vegetarian haggis.

I suppose anywhere that could make haggis well probably could do a decent deep fried Mars Bar....but that place is mostly certainly not the St Andrews Fish and Chip shop.  Batter and deep fry ALL THE THINGS is all they know how to do.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: MMIX on June 26, 2012, 01:55:44 PM
There's nothing sadder than a bad chippy when it comes to take-aways.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: zengmar on July 02, 2012, 04:49:55 AM
what's in a vegetarian haggis?
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 02, 2012, 05:43:00 AM
Quote from: zengmar on July 02, 2012, 04:49:55 AM
what's in a vegetarian haggis?

PLEASE NO ONE ANSWER THAT.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Pope Pixie Pickle on July 02, 2012, 06:03:25 AM
http://www.macsween.co.uk/recipes/macsween-haggis-nachos/

I want to eat this.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Cain on July 02, 2012, 02:06:50 PM
Quote from: zengmar on July 02, 2012, 04:49:55 AM
what's in a vegetarian haggis?

I'm not entirely sure.

Given I have eaten it several times, and I'm still not certain...well, you can draw your own conclusions from that.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on July 02, 2012, 06:05:56 PM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 02, 2012, 05:43:00 AM
Quote from: zengmar on July 02, 2012, 04:49:55 AM
what's in a vegetarian haggis?

PLEASE NO ONE ANSWER THAT.

Too late.

It's a haggis made out of a vegetarian.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Dark Monk on July 02, 2012, 09:10:30 PM
Gigantic shredded wheat biscuits, butter and granulated sugar popped in the broiler 2 minutes coated with milk that turns delightfully warm...
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on July 02, 2012, 09:19:45 PM
Quote from: The Dark Monk on July 02, 2012, 09:10:30 PM
Gigantic shredded wheat biscuits, butter and granulated sugar popped in the broiler 2 minutes coated with milk that turns delightfully warm...

That's hot shredded wheat.

FFS.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Dark Monk on July 02, 2012, 09:45:12 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 02, 2012, 09:19:45 PM
Quote from: The Dark Monk on July 02, 2012, 09:10:30 PM
Gigantic shredded wheat biscuits, butter and granulated sugar popped in the broiler 2 minutes coated with milk that turns delightfully warm...

That's hot shredded wheat.

FFS.

You'd be surprised at how many people have not heard of this, it's something I make all the time that people are like, "Huh, you can do that?"
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on July 02, 2012, 09:58:29 PM
Quote from: The Dark Monk on July 02, 2012, 09:45:12 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 02, 2012, 09:19:45 PM
Quote from: The Dark Monk on July 02, 2012, 09:10:30 PM
Gigantic shredded wheat biscuits, butter and granulated sugar popped in the broiler 2 minutes coated with milk that turns delightfully warm...

That's hot shredded wheat.

FFS.

You'd be surprised at how many people have not heard of this, it's something I make all the time that people are like, "Huh, you can do that?"

It is NOT a haggis.

The only vegetarian haggis would be flipping Fiona Apple inside out.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 03, 2012, 04:39:09 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 02, 2012, 09:58:29 PM
Quote from: The Dark Monk on July 02, 2012, 09:45:12 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 02, 2012, 09:19:45 PM
Quote from: The Dark Monk on July 02, 2012, 09:10:30 PM
Gigantic shredded wheat biscuits, butter and granulated sugar popped in the broiler 2 minutes coated with milk that turns delightfully warm...

That's hot shredded wheat.

FFS.

You'd be surprised at how many people have not heard of this, it's something I make all the time that people are like, "Huh, you can do that?"

It is NOT a haggis.

The only vegetarian haggis would be flipping Fiona Apple inside out.

:horrormirth:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on July 03, 2012, 02:12:51 PM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 03, 2012, 04:39:09 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 02, 2012, 09:58:29 PM
Quote from: The Dark Monk on July 02, 2012, 09:45:12 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on July 02, 2012, 09:19:45 PM
Quote from: The Dark Monk on July 02, 2012, 09:10:30 PM
Gigantic shredded wheat biscuits, butter and granulated sugar popped in the broiler 2 minutes coated with milk that turns delightfully warm...

That's hot shredded wheat.

FFS.

You'd be surprised at how many people have not heard of this, it's something I make all the time that people are like, "Huh, you can do that?"

It is NOT a haggis.

The only vegetarian haggis would be flipping Fiona Apple inside out.

:horrormirth:

Some people say I have bad wiring.  But that's because they don't see the whole picture, like I do.  Holiness™ can be demonstrated, but never explained.  Making a haggis out of Fiona Apple SOUNDS demented, but that's because you're looking at it from a purely secular point of view.

Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Elder Iptuous on July 03, 2012, 02:42:05 PM
i did a GIS to determine whether flipping a fiona apple inside out would be a shame or a blessing.
the image that pooped up was a sullen looking girl with an octopus for a hat.
so, it would be a shame i'm thinking...
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 06, 2012, 12:05:56 PM
A YOUTUBE VIDEO WHOSE HOUR HAS COME AT LAST (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeoa0-U8-Yw)
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: The Dark Monk on July 06, 2012, 05:14:03 PM
http://gawker.com/5923883/socal-burger-chain-introduces-the-merica-burger-100-ground-bacon

I propose this for more coronaries.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 07, 2012, 07:07:23 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 06, 2012, 12:05:56 PM
A YOUTUBE VIDEO WHOSE HOUR HAS COME AT LAST (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeoa0-U8-Yw)

The best part is that by the standards of the day, Allan Sherman was fat enough to be "the fat comedian". Today, if you want to be "the fat comedian", you have to attain a level of obesity that, less than a hundred years ago, would have made you a circus sideshow freak.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 07, 2012, 07:08:12 PM
Quote from: The Dark Monk on July 06, 2012, 05:14:03 PM
http://gawker.com/5923883/socal-burger-chain-introduces-the-merica-burger-100-ground-bacon

I propose this for more coronaries.

I love bacon, but that sounds absolutely disgusting.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: E.O.T. on July 07, 2012, 07:16:40 PM


WATCHING A MOVIE

          with the kids last nite a request for corn dogs was made. and fulfilled. the box had three sets of preparation instructions, traditional oven, microwave and

DEEP FRIED

          on the box
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 07, 2012, 08:26:46 PM
Quote from: E.O.T. on July 07, 2012, 07:16:40 PM


WATCHING A MOVIE

          with the kids last nite a request for corn dogs was made. and fulfilled. the box had three sets of preparation instructions, traditional oven, microwave and

DEEP FRIED

          on the box

Deep fried is the way to go! get a Frydaddy.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 08, 2012, 01:47:19 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 07, 2012, 07:07:23 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 06, 2012, 12:05:56 PM
A YOUTUBE VIDEO WHOSE HOUR HAS COME AT LAST (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeoa0-U8-Yw)


The best part is that by the standards of the day, Allan Sherman was fat enough to be "the fat comedian". Today, if you want to be "the fat comedian", you have to attain a level of obesity that, less than a hundred years ago, would have made you a circus sideshow freak.

True.

These women look...run of the mill.  :x

(http://p2.la-img.com/737/15788/5181627_1_l.jpg)
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 08, 2012, 06:45:49 AM
To be FAT PERSON:

Step one: Develop insatiable appetite for chips and ketchoney (ketchup and honey, don't knock it until you've tried it unless you hate ketchup, then yeah, you won't like it that much).

Step two:  Eat a party size bag of chips in one to two sittings over an average period of less than a day to a day and a half.

Step three:  Stop caring what you look like because there's just too much effort in that and who cares anyway, you definitely don't.  Best to do it in bed, in the dark, while filling that empty feeling inside.

Step four: Repeat until desired fatness has been achieved.

Step five:  Die from hypertension (lol salt).
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 08, 2012, 05:38:50 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 08, 2012, 01:47:19 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 07, 2012, 07:07:23 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 06, 2012, 12:05:56 PM
A YOUTUBE VIDEO WHOSE HOUR HAS COME AT LAST (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeoa0-U8-Yw)


The best part is that by the standards of the day, Allan Sherman was fat enough to be "the fat comedian". Today, if you want to be "the fat comedian", you have to attain a level of obesity that, less than a hundred years ago, would have made you a circus sideshow freak.

True.

These women look...run of the mill.  :x

(http://p2.la-img.com/737/15788/5181627_1_l.jpg)

Yep.

People used to pay money to stare at people that fat. Now, we can just go to Wal-Mart.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 08, 2012, 05:40:10 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 08, 2012, 06:45:49 AM
To be FAT PERSON:

Step one: Develop insatiable appetite for chips and ketchoney (ketchup and honey, don't knock it until you've tried it unless you hate ketchup, then yeah, you won't like it that much).

Step two:  Eat a party size bag of chips in one to two sittings over an average period of less than a day to a day and a half.

Step three:  Stop caring what you look like because there's just too much effort in that and who cares anyway, you definitely don't.  Best to do it in bed, in the dark, while filling that empty feeling inside.

Step four: Repeat until desired fatness has been achieved.

Step five:  Die from hypertension (lol salt).

It's not enough to just eat a lot of fat and starch; you also have to be as physically sedentary as humanly possible. WALK? No way!!!
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: E.O.T. on July 08, 2012, 07:35:38 PM


HAVE WE

          explored the "red neck turtle burger? http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151260842138438&set=a.428464543437.216550.135370908437&type=1&theater
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 08, 2012, 09:32:58 PM
Quote from: E.O.T. on July 08, 2012, 07:35:38 PM


HAVE WE

          explored the "red neck turtle burger? http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151260842138438&set=a.428464543437.216550.135370908437&type=1&theater

:horrormirth:

They feed this shit to kids, don't they?
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 09, 2012, 01:58:41 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 08, 2012, 09:32:58 PM
Quote from: E.O.T. on July 08, 2012, 07:35:38 PM


HAVE WE

          explored the "red neck turtle burger? http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151260842138438&set=a.428464543437.216550.135370908437&type=1&theater

:horrormirth:

They feed this shit to kids, don't they?

                 THIS IS AMERICA!
                                   \
(http://bizgovsociii.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/childhood-obesity.png)
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 09, 2012, 02:43:07 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 08, 2012, 05:40:10 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 08, 2012, 06:45:49 AM
To be FAT PERSON:

Step one: Develop insatiable appetite for chips and ketchoney (ketchup and honey, don't knock it until you've tried it unless you hate ketchup, then yeah, you won't like it that much).

Step two:  Eat a party size bag of chips in one to two sittings over an average period of less than a day to a day and a half.

Step three:  Stop caring what you look like because there's just too much effort in that and who cares anyway, you definitely don't.  Best to do it in bed, in the dark, while filling that empty feeling inside.

Step four: Repeat until desired fatness has been achieved.

Step five:  Die from hypertension (lol salt).

It's not enough to just eat a lot of fat and starch; you also have to be as physically sedentary as humanly possible. WALK? No way!!!

I thought that was implied?

Oh, I guess I forgot to put that in there. :lol:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on July 09, 2012, 08:12:23 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 08, 2012, 05:40:10 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 08, 2012, 06:45:49 AM
To be FAT PERSON:

Step one: Develop insatiable appetite for chips and ketchoney (ketchup and honey, don't knock it until you've tried it unless you hate ketchup, then yeah, you won't like it that much).

Step two:  Eat a party size bag of chips in one to two sittings over an average period of less than a day to a day and a half.

Step three:  Stop caring what you look like because there's just too much effort in that and who cares anyway, you definitely don't.  Best to do it in bed, in the dark, while filling that empty feeling inside.

Step four: Repeat until desired fatness has been achieved.

Step five:  Die from hypertension (lol salt).

It's not enough to just eat a lot of fat and starch; you also have to be as physically sedentary as humanly possible. WALK? No way!!!

Step one: What kind of chips go best with ketchoney? I lurve ketchup.
Step two: CHECK
Step three: CHECK, still don't give a shit in bed (aw, Freeky  :sad:)
Step four: GAINED 5 LBS, 200 TO GO
Step five: WEEEEEEOOOOOOO!

Sedentary as humanly possible: CHECK

I GOT THIS.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 09, 2012, 04:49:47 PM
BBQ is bestest. I could eat that stuff forever.

Also is you have any, put a tiny bit OS liquid smoke in that shit.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 09, 2012, 06:09:10 PM
Quote from: Net on July 09, 2012, 08:12:23 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 08, 2012, 05:40:10 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 08, 2012, 06:45:49 AM
To be FAT PERSON:

Step one: Develop insatiable appetite for chips and ketchoney (ketchup and honey, don't knock it until you've tried it unless you hate ketchup, then yeah, you won't like it that much).

Step two:  Eat a party size bag of chips in one to two sittings over an average period of less than a day to a day and a half.

Step three:  Stop caring what you look like because there's just too much effort in that and who cares anyway, you definitely don't.  Best to do it in bed, in the dark, while filling that empty feeling inside.

Step four: Repeat until desired fatness has been achieved.

Step five:  Die from hypertension (lol salt).

It's not enough to just eat a lot of fat and starch; you also have to be as physically sedentary as humanly possible. WALK? No way!!!

Step one: What kind of chips go best with ketchoney? I lurve ketchup.
Step two: CHECK
Step three: CHECK, still don't give a shit in bed (aw, Freeky  :sad:)
Step four: GAINED 5 LBS, 200 TO GO
Step five: WEEEEEEOOOOOOO!

Sedentary as humanly possible: CHECK

I GOT THIS.

Dude, are you trying to bulk up, or die? I know skinnyass people who ended up having to get their arteries Roto-RooteredTM.

I'd tell you to get into bodybuilding or something but they push a bunch of shitty "supplements".

BE FUCKING SKINNY. SKINNY IS HAWT. ROCK STARS ARE FUCKING SKINNY.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on July 09, 2012, 06:28:22 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 09, 2012, 06:09:10 PMSKINNY IS HAWT.

:cn:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 09, 2012, 06:59:47 PM
I'm with ECH on this one to a point.

Also my phone wants to change "ech " to "echelons".  :lulz:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on July 09, 2012, 07:28:35 PM
Well yeah, morbid obesity isn't hawt either, but from a purely personal preference standpoint people need to have enough meat on them to stand up to what I'm dishing out.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 09, 2012, 07:30:00 PM
Exactly, echelons.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 09, 2012, 08:32:28 PM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on July 09, 2012, 06:28:22 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 09, 2012, 06:09:10 PMSKINNY IS HAWT.

:cn:

Mesomorph faction heard from and hotness acknowledged.

But citation = hundreds of skinny rock stars. Tell me those guys don't get laid.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 09, 2012, 08:37:17 PM
I think they get laid because their famous and because the groupies get all hot and bothered over their music equally much as them being hot sometimes.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 09, 2012, 08:41:05 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 09, 2012, 08:37:17 PM
I think they get laid because their famous and because the groupies get all hot and bothered over their music equally much as them being hot sometimes.

Yeah, but a lot of them kind of cultivate the skinniness as part of the mystique. You don't see a lot of them trying to bulk up.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Elder Iptuous on July 09, 2012, 08:42:10 PM
i thought they cultivated the skinniness as part of the nose candy habit...
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 09, 2012, 08:47:04 PM
Quote from: Elder Iptuous on July 09, 2012, 08:42:10 PM
i thought they cultivated the skinniness as part of the nose candy habit...

It probably started with ALL KINDS of candy, but it's part of the image now.  :lol:
A lot of them are health nuts.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 09, 2012, 08:49:02 PM
But my implied point was, go with your body type.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Juana on July 09, 2012, 09:11:17 PM
Going back to the OP's purpose, I present you with super buttery coffee cake!
(https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-5SHq0U-L9bQ/T_s55E8o-DI/AAAAAAAAAsM/SEmG0oiA49c/s800/IMAG0269.jpg)
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 09, 2012, 09:14:10 PM
 :aaa:

Marry me, Garbo.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Juana on July 09, 2012, 09:20:22 PM
Yes m'am. :lulz: It'll be all baked goods, vindaloo, and ridiculousness forever.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on July 09, 2012, 10:12:22 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 09, 2012, 08:49:02 PM
But my implied point was, go with your body type.

I'm not really trying to gain 200lbs.

I could stand to gain a little weight though.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 09, 2012, 10:15:35 PM
Quote from: Net on July 09, 2012, 10:12:22 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 09, 2012, 08:49:02 PM
But my implied point was, go with your body type.

I'm not really trying to gain 200lbs.

I could stand to gain a little weight though.

Well yeah, but don't clog your arteries.

Load up on olive oil or avocados or something.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 09, 2012, 11:20:07 PM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on July 09, 2012, 09:20:22 PM
Yes m'am. :lulz: It'll be all baked goods, vindaloo, and ridiculousness forever.

Sounds like Paradise to me.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on July 09, 2012, 11:31:31 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 09, 2012, 10:15:35 PM
Quote from: Net on July 09, 2012, 10:12:22 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 09, 2012, 08:49:02 PM
But my implied point was, go with your body type.

I'm not really trying to gain 200lbs.

I could stand to gain a little weight though.

Well yeah, but don't clog your arteries.

Load up on olive oil or avocados or something.

For sure.

I'ma go eat some mershed perderders and chug some olive oil, BRB.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Juana on July 09, 2012, 11:51:42 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 09, 2012, 11:20:07 PM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on July 09, 2012, 09:20:22 PM
Yes m'am. :lulz: It'll be all baked goods, vindaloo, and ridiculousness forever.

Sounds like Paradise to me.
Oh yeah. :D Want the recipe?
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 10, 2012, 01:21:29 AM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on July 09, 2012, 11:51:42 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 09, 2012, 11:20:07 PM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on July 09, 2012, 09:20:22 PM
Yes m'am. :lulz: It'll be all baked goods, vindaloo, and ridiculousness forever.

Sounds like Paradise to me.
Oh yeah. :D Want the recipe?
YES.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 10, 2012, 01:28:51 AM
It does look lethally awesome.
Treat it the way you would opiates, Freeky: once in a blue moon and only when circumstances warrant it.  :lol:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Juana on July 10, 2012, 01:30:34 AM
Yeah, I try not to make things like this too often for that very reason.

Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 10, 2012, 01:21:29 AM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on July 09, 2012, 11:51:42 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 09, 2012, 11:20:07 PM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on July 09, 2012, 09:20:22 PM
Yes m'am. :lulz: It'll be all baked goods, vindaloo, and ridiculousness forever.

Sounds like Paradise to me.
Oh yeah. :D Want the recipe?
YES.
Here (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php/topic,32775.0.html)
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 10, 2012, 01:31:37 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 01:28:51 AM
It does look lethally awesome.
Treat it the way you would opiates, Freeky: once in a blue moon and only when circumstances warrant it.  :lol:

Fuck that noise. :fap:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 10, 2012, 01:34:05 AM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 10, 2012, 01:31:37 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 01:28:51 AM
It does look lethally awesome.
Treat it the way you would opiates, Freeky: once in a blue moon and only when circumstances warrant it.  :lol:

Fuck that noise. :fap:

:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 10, 2012, 07:39:44 AM
Me & FBF are now halfway through disc 2 of "Weight of the Nation".

If you're a little too skinny, thank your lucky fucking stars. Jesus this shit's depressing.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 10, 2012, 07:40:36 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 01:28:51 AM
It does look lethally awesome.
Treat it the way you would opiates, Freeky: once in a blue moon and only when circumstances warrant it.  :lol:

I'm glad I am not a fan of pastries; if I liked sweets I'd be completely spherical.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on July 10, 2012, 05:13:11 PM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 10, 2012, 07:39:44 AM
Me & FBF are now halfway through disc 2 of "Weight of the Nation".

If you're a little too skinny, thank your lucky fucking stars. Jesus this shit's depressing.

It has it's benefits, for sure.

But now that I can't see straight I can no longer depend on my martial arts training to defend myself, can't run without hitting something, and can't see my surroundings well enough to use them to my advantage like I used to.

I've already been violently assaulted since I came down with this unidentified disease and it occurred to me that I'm going to need to learn some new tricks fast. Being a physically larger animal, even a few dozen pounds worth, means people can't shove me to the ground as easily.

It also gives me an advantage in grappling. Not much, but I'll take whatever edge I can get at this point.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Salty on July 10, 2012, 05:37:18 PM
Quote from: Net on July 10, 2012, 05:13:11 PM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 10, 2012, 07:39:44 AM
Me & FBF are now halfway through disc 2 of "Weight of the Nation".

If you're a little too skinny, thank your lucky fucking stars. Jesus this shit's depressing.

It has it's benefits, for sure.

But now that I can't see straight I can no longer depend on my martial arts training to defend myself, can't run without hitting something, and can't see my surroundings well enough to use them to my advantage like I used to.

I've already been violently assaulted since I came down with this unidentified disease and it occurred to me that I'm going to need to learn some new tricks fast. Being a physically larger animal, even a few dozen pounds worth, means people can't shove me to the ground as easily.

It also gives me an advantage in grappling. Not much, but I'll take whatever edge I can get at this point.

Solution=Carry various raw meats on and about your person. Just tie top serloin to your arms, duct tape a rump roast to your rump. In this way you will appear larger than you are, and should you be faced with multiple attackers you can, with a little ingenuity, turn a violent altercation into a BBQ.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on July 10, 2012, 05:44:54 PM
Quote from: Alty on July 10, 2012, 05:37:18 PM
Quote from: Net on July 10, 2012, 05:13:11 PM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 10, 2012, 07:39:44 AM
Me & FBF are now halfway through disc 2 of "Weight of the Nation".

If you're a little too skinny, thank your lucky fucking stars. Jesus this shit's depressing.

It has it's benefits, for sure.

But now that I can't see straight I can no longer depend on my martial arts training to defend myself, can't run without hitting something, and can't see my surroundings well enough to use them to my advantage like I used to.

I've already been violently assaulted since I came down with this unidentified disease and it occurred to me that I'm going to need to learn some new tricks fast. Being a physically larger animal, even a few dozen pounds worth, means people can't shove me to the ground as easily.

It also gives me an advantage in grappling. Not much, but I'll take whatever edge I can get at this point.

Solution=Carry various raw meats on and about your person. Just tie top serloin to your arms, duct tape a rump roast to your rump. In this way you will appear larger than you are, and should you be faced with multiple attackers you can, with a little ingenuity, turn a violent altercation into a BBQ.

:lol:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 10, 2012, 05:46:02 PM
Quote from: Net on July 10, 2012, 05:13:11 PM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 10, 2012, 07:39:44 AM
Me & FBF are now halfway through disc 2 of "Weight of the Nation".

If you're a little too skinny, thank your lucky fucking stars. Jesus this shit's depressing.

It has it's benefits, for sure.

But now that I can't see straight I can no longer depend on my martial arts training to defend myself, can't run without hitting something, and can't see my surroundings well enough to use them to my advantage like I used to.

I've already been violently assaulted since I came down with this unidentified disease and it occurred to me that I'm going to need to learn some new tricks fast. Being a physically larger animal, even a few dozen pounds worth, means people can't shove me to the ground as easily.

It also gives me an advantage in grappling. Not much, but I'll take whatever edge I can get at this point.

You need an equalizer, not size. For intimidation, you can just get a decent-sized dog. Some people like to jump the biggest guy in the bar in order to look like a badass, especially if they know the biggest guy has some disadvantage.

Women have to think about equalizers a lot. How do you think women use parking garages, etc. without becoming power lifters? 

Can you get a permit to carry a concealed weapon?
If not, there's knives, CS gas, etc.

Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on July 10, 2012, 06:19:03 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 05:46:02 PM
Quote from: Net on July 10, 2012, 05:13:11 PM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 10, 2012, 07:39:44 AM
Me & FBF are now halfway through disc 2 of "Weight of the Nation".

If you're a little too skinny, thank your lucky fucking stars. Jesus this shit's depressing.

It has it's benefits, for sure.

But now that I can't see straight I can no longer depend on my martial arts training to defend myself, can't run without hitting something, and can't see my surroundings well enough to use them to my advantage like I used to.

I've already been violently assaulted since I came down with this unidentified disease and it occurred to me that I'm going to need to learn some new tricks fast. Being a physically larger animal, even a few dozen pounds worth, means people can't shove me to the ground as easily.

It also gives me an advantage in grappling. Not much, but I'll take whatever edge I can get at this point.

You need an equalizer, not size. For intimidation, you can just get a decent-sized dog. Some people like to jump the biggest guy in the bar in order to look like a badass, especially if they know the biggest guy has some disadvantage.

Women have to think about equalizers a lot. How do you think women use parking garages, etc. without becoming power lifters? 

Can you get a permit to carry a concealed weapon?
If not, there's knives, CS gas, etc.


Meanwhile, I'm going to keep putting on some pounds.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 10, 2012, 07:15:09 PM
Quote from: Net on July 10, 2012, 06:19:03 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 05:46:02 PM
Quote from: Net on July 10, 2012, 05:13:11 PM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 10, 2012, 07:39:44 AM
Me & FBF are now halfway through disc 2 of "Weight of the Nation".

If you're a little too skinny, thank your lucky fucking stars. Jesus this shit's depressing.

It has it's benefits, for sure.

But now that I can't see straight I can no longer depend on my martial arts training to defend myself, can't run without hitting something, and can't see my surroundings well enough to use them to my advantage like I used to.

I've already been violently assaulted since I came down with this unidentified disease and it occurred to me that I'm going to need to learn some new tricks fast. Being a physically larger animal, even a few dozen pounds worth, means people can't shove me to the ground as easily.

It also gives me an advantage in grappling. Not much, but I'll take whatever edge I can get at this point.

You need an equalizer, not size. For intimidation, you can just get a decent-sized dog. Some people like to jump the biggest guy in the bar in order to look like a badass, especially if they know the biggest guy has some disadvantage.

Women have to think about equalizers a lot. How do you think women use parking garages, etc. without becoming power lifters? 

Can you get a permit to carry a concealed weapon?
If not, there's knives, CS gas, etc.


  • I can't afford a dog. I'm broke as fuck.
  • There's no way I'm ever going to be the biggest guy in the bar unless it's a dwarf bar.
  • Most women have normal vision and can use self-defense techniques effectively if they've learned them. They also can carefully monitor their surroundings since their eyeballs function properly. I know self-defense techniques but sometimes, especially when I'm highly stressed, my vision gets so bad I literally can't walk down a sidewalk. The only thing I can count on is grappling if I can't talk my way out of it.
  • Knives are for killing people. The law treats them as deadly weapons, and as such, are only useful in the most dire of situations. I could get shot for pulling a knife. Furthermore, I have a knife that I always carry with me, but it's purely to be used as a last resort. It's simply not useful in most violent confrontations.
  • I'm going to get some pepper spray as soon as I have the money for it.

Meanwhile, I'm going to keep putting on some pounds.

If you can legally carry CS where you live, get that and not the pepper spray. The trick with pepper spray is you have to get it IN A PERSON'S EYES for it to really work, and that can be a problem if you're grappling and on top of that your vision is compromised.

With CS you just get it in the general vicinity of their face and they're down for the count.  8)

A lot of CS has UV dye in it too, so you can prove it was them if you want to press charges.

http://www.amazon.com/Mace%C2%AE-Michigan-Double-Action-Tear/dp/B0051WQBIW
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 10, 2012, 07:19:29 PM
And I disagree that knives for protection are necessarily for killing people. In some situations you might have to, but the two times that I've actually had to use a knife, the guys got all shocked when they realized they were cut and quit. I guess they didn't expect it, they thought I was going to just beg or something. Might be different with a male on male attack, I don't know.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Juana on July 10, 2012, 10:12:53 PM
Jesus, Net! I hope you get all that (and what-the-fuck-ever it is that's wrong with your eyes) sorted soon. :(
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on July 11, 2012, 10:33:04 PM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on July 10, 2012, 10:12:53 PM
Jesus, Net! I hope you get all that (and what-the-fuck-ever it is that's wrong with your eyes) sorted soon. :(

Thanks, I'm working on it.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on July 12, 2012, 02:49:38 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 07:19:29 PM
And I disagree that knives for protection are necessarily for killing people. In some situations you might have to, but the two times that I've actually had to use a knife, the guys got all shocked when they realized they were cut and quit. I guess they didn't expect it, they thought I was going to just beg or something. Might be different with a male on male attack, I don't know.

If I wasn't trying to kill or seriously injure someone to begin with, them cutting me with a knife would make me start trying.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 12, 2012, 03:26:21 AM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on July 12, 2012, 02:49:38 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 07:19:29 PM
And I disagree that knives for protection are necessarily for killing people. In some situations you might have to, but the two times that I've actually had to use a knife, the guys got all shocked when they realized they were cut and quit. I guess they didn't expect it, they thought I was going to just beg or something. Might be different with a male on male attack, I don't know.

If I wasn't trying to kill or seriously injure someone to begin with, them cutting me with a knife would make me start trying.

Yeah, but you're not the type that jumps women to begin with. Whole different reaction.  :lol:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Don Coyote on July 12, 2012, 05:48:28 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 12, 2012, 03:26:21 AM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on July 12, 2012, 02:49:38 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 07:19:29 PM
And I disagree that knives for protection are necessarily for killing people. In some situations you might have to, but the two times that I've actually had to use a knife, the guys got all shocked when they realized they were cut and quit. I guess they didn't expect it, they thought I was going to just beg or something. Might be different with a male on male attack, I don't know.

If I wasn't trying to kill or seriously injure someone to begin with, them cutting me with a knife would make me start trying.

Yeah, but you're not the type that jumps women to begin with. Whole different reaction.  :lol:

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that anything that does not physically incapacitate or restrain someone is not a good idea to base self defense around. In other words relying on pain from superficial wounds is not a good idea. Not everyone will react in the same way to pain stimulus.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 12, 2012, 06:20:47 AM
Quote from: Guru Quixote on July 12, 2012, 05:48:28 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 12, 2012, 03:26:21 AM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on July 12, 2012, 02:49:38 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 07:19:29 PM
And I disagree that knives for protection are necessarily for killing people. In some situations you might have to, but the two times that I've actually had to use a knife, the guys got all shocked when they realized they were cut and quit. I guess they didn't expect it, they thought I was going to just beg or something. Might be different with a male on male attack, I don't know.

If I wasn't trying to kill or seriously injure someone to begin with, them cutting me with a knife would make me start trying.

Yeah, but you're not the type that jumps women to begin with. Whole different reaction.  :lol:

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that anything that does not physically incapacitate or restrain someone is not a good idea to base self defense around. In other words relying on pain from superficial wounds is not a good idea. Not everyone will react in the same way to pain stimulus.

Well yeah, then you stick 'em in the neck.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on July 12, 2012, 06:36:48 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 12, 2012, 06:20:47 AM
Quote from: Guru Quixote on July 12, 2012, 05:48:28 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 12, 2012, 03:26:21 AM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on July 12, 2012, 02:49:38 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 07:19:29 PM
And I disagree that knives for protection are necessarily for killing people. In some situations you might have to, but the two times that I've actually had to use a knife, the guys got all shocked when they realized they were cut and quit. I guess they didn't expect it, they thought I was going to just beg or something. Might be different with a male on male attack, I don't know.

If I wasn't trying to kill or seriously injure someone to begin with, them cutting me with a knife would make me start trying.

Yeah, but you're not the type that jumps women to begin with. Whole different reaction.  :lol:

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that anything that does not physically incapacitate or restrain someone is not a good idea to base self defense around. In other words relying on pain from superficial wounds is not a good idea. Not everyone will react in the same way to pain stimulus.

Well yeah, then you stick 'em in the neck.

You might not be able to do so after you find that out.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 12, 2012, 07:09:25 AM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on July 12, 2012, 06:36:48 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 12, 2012, 06:20:47 AM
Quote from: Guru Quixote on July 12, 2012, 05:48:28 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 12, 2012, 03:26:21 AM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on July 12, 2012, 02:49:38 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 07:19:29 PM
And I disagree that knives for protection are necessarily for killing people. In some situations you might have to, but the two times that I've actually had to use a knife, the guys got all shocked when they realized they were cut and quit. I guess they didn't expect it, they thought I was going to just beg or something. Might be different with a male on male attack, I don't know.

If I wasn't trying to kill or seriously injure someone to begin with, them cutting me with a knife would make me start trying.

Yeah, but you're not the type that jumps women to begin with. Whole different reaction.  :lol:

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that anything that does not physically incapacitate or restrain someone is not a good idea to base self defense around. In other words relying on pain from superficial wounds is not a good idea. Not everyone will react in the same way to pain stimulus.

Well yeah, then you stick 'em in the neck.

You might not be able to do so after you find that out.

Very true.

But once it gets that clusterfucked, it's probably the only chance you've got.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on July 12, 2012, 08:39:12 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 12, 2012, 03:26:21 AM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on July 12, 2012, 02:49:38 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 10, 2012, 07:19:29 PM
And I disagree that knives for protection are necessarily for killing people. In some situations you might have to, but the two times that I've actually had to use a knife, the guys got all shocked when they realized they were cut and quit. I guess they didn't expect it, they thought I was going to just beg or something. Might be different with a male on male attack, I don't know.

If I wasn't trying to kill or seriously injure someone to begin with, them cutting me with a knife would make me start trying.

Yeah, but you're not the type that jumps women to begin with. Whole different reaction.  :lol:

Not unless they (literally) ask for it. But there are other people whose response to something like that would be similar and some of those people ARE shitnecks of the lowest order. And you never know when someone's hopped to the gills on bad crank and won't even feel it. IMO, if you feel physically threatened enough to try to actually hurt someone, you're better off just killing them or delivering a completely incapacitating strike (throat, solar plexus, knee).
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: LMNO on July 12, 2012, 01:16:22 PM
Yeah, my basic self-defense rule goes two ways:

1)  Make sure they can't temporarily chase you, and then run.

2)  Make sure they will never be able to chase you again, ever (the Enders Game tactic).

Note: both 1) and 2) employ the "by any means possible" technique.




Luckily, I've never had to resort to 2).
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 12, 2012, 05:02:39 PM
Yeah, I've been lucky too.

I'd probably go with "incapacitating", ECH. I don't really trust myself to make a snap decision to kill somebody even if they're a fucking psycho. Back to the CS gas.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: East Coast Hustle on July 12, 2012, 05:27:54 PM
Shit, you live in Texas. I think they actually give you a tax break if you kill someone in self-defense.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on July 12, 2012, 05:32:25 PM
Quote from: Echo Chamber Music on July 12, 2012, 05:27:54 PM
Shit, you live in Texas. I think they actually give you a tax break if you kill someone in self-defense.

:lulz: :lulz: :lulz: More than likely. They buy you drinks if you smack somebody with a bottle.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Epimetheus on November 08, 2012, 07:26:09 AM
RE: thread title,

Anyone have tips on increasing appetite? I ain't got much of one these days...
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Salty on November 08, 2012, 05:57:52 PM
Quote from: chimes on November 08, 2012, 07:26:09 AM
RE: thread title,

Anyone have tips on increasing appetite? I ain't got much of one these days...

Yes. I never have much of an appetite. What helps me is physical exertion, getting my metabolism geared to require fuel is the only way I get hungry, and even then it's often more of a mechanical process than a desire to eat for its own sake.

Even weed doesn't really do it for me. I'm thinking about cooking it all the time so I will have a compelling reason to eat.

You have to do it gradually. Three meals a day, small at first, and then add a little more food every couple of days. Eventually your stomach will grow and hold more, desire more food. I got close to this, almost my needed caloric intake, until I developed a peanut allergy. I was throwing heaping gobs of the stuff into oatmeal, smoothies, whatever.

Oh and don't get food poisoned. Saps the appetite something fierce. Especially don't get food poisoned 6 times in 16 months.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on November 09, 2012, 12:15:38 AM
Quote from: Alty on November 08, 2012, 05:57:52 PM
Quote from: chimes on November 08, 2012, 07:26:09 AM
RE: thread title,

Anyone have tips on increasing appetite? I ain't got much of one these days...

Yes. I never have much of an appetite. What helps me is physical exertion, getting my metabolism geared to require fuel is the only way I get hungry, and even then it's often more of a mechanical process than a desire to eat for its own sake.

Even weed doesn't really do it for me. I'm thinking about cooking it all the time so I will have a compelling reason to eat.

You have to do it gradually. Three meals a day, small at first, and then add a little more food every couple of days. Eventually your stomach will grow and hold more, desire more food. I got close to this, almost my needed caloric intake, until I developed a peanut allergy. I was throwing heaping gobs of the stuff into oatmeal, smoothies, whatever.

Oh and don't get food poisoned. Saps the appetite something fierce. Especially don't get food poisoned 6 times in 16 months.


STOP  GETTING FOOD POISONED, ALTY.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Eater of Clowns on November 09, 2012, 02:57:35 AM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 09, 2012, 12:15:38 AM
STOP  GETTING FOOD POISONED, ALTY.

He loves it.  When I was in AK he was all like "Hey EoC wanna get food poisoned?" and I was like "Nah."
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Salty on November 09, 2012, 04:31:11 AM
I'm sort of like that Into the Wild guy, except lazier and more drunk. And I know how to use a FUCKING MAP.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Cain on November 09, 2012, 06:26:16 PM
Peanut butter is awesome for becoming a fat bastard.

A good friend of mine and his girlfriend, when unemployed, had for some reason nothing but peanut butter and crackers in their house.  Which they ate continuously over a three week period.  The weight gain was...impressive, yet scary.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Freeky on November 09, 2012, 08:49:45 PM
Quote from: Alty on November 09, 2012, 04:31:11 AM
I'm sort of like that Into the Wild guy, except lazier and more drunk. And I know how to use a FUCKING MAP.

NOW LEARN HOW TO NOT GET FOOD POISONED. IS JUST LIKE READING A MAP, ONLY THERE'S MORE CHEWING.
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Ben Shapiro on January 13, 2013, 09:56:10 AM
http://friedmayo.com/

:aaa:
Title: Re: How to BE a fat bastard
Post by: Jaidyn Casey on January 13, 2013, 10:52:30 AM
Quote from: /b/earman on January 13, 2013, 09:56:10 AM
http://friedmayo.com/

:aaa:

I fully admit that I like mayo, but this sounds incredibly repugnant.  :horrormirth: