Attn: RHWN - Tiger Woods Redux

[Mangrove]

People keep on talking about Tiger Woods, his affairs, the endorsements ad nauseum. At first I was like you, I felt that we should be getting 'real news' about 'serious issues' rather than people wringing their hands about whether Mr Woods is a suitable role model for people who buy shaving products.

Various people would tell me their opinons on the matter. Perhaps the most consistent complaint was that he had, somehow, 'cheated' them. The reasoning behind this is that many people believe that TW portrayed himself as a 'family man' and thus, by having multiple (alleged) affairs, he had let them down.

The whole issue put me in the mind, oddly enough, of Princess Diana. Or, Diana Princess of Wales as she was known after the divorce. I remember way back in 1982 when a very large section of the world watched the lavish wedding , myself included. Cue lots of gushing rhetoric about princesses, fairy tales and all that other shit. What we did not know at the time was that this was simply: ILLUSION NUMBER ONE.

Jump ahead a decade and it's 1992. The British papers are buzzing with all sorts of stories concerning the marital failure of the Royal couple. Who cheated? Who with? When? Where? How? Was it any good? etc etc. It was at this time, Diana went from being the girl of fairy tales to being cast as a 'slut' or 'crazy' or even a 'crazy slut'. Charles got a good kicking too as did the equine object of his affections, Camilla! And so we unveilled ILLUSION  NUMBER TWO.

(Incidentally, someone asked me what I thought when Charles got re-married. They had, unfortunately, assumed that  because I lived in the UK for twenty-something years, that I actually cared about the Royal Family. I replied 'You mean, someone I don't know married someone else I don't know?')

1997. Diana ends up in a car wreck in Paris. Before the blood had so much as congealed the public outpouring of grief in Britain reached the most worrying of proportions. Some pro-republican journalists were given the week off to stop them writing about it. There were even night club owners warning stand up comics that they could not, under any circumstances, do any 'Diana Jokes'. Elton John even managed to very (thoughtfully?) re-write his tribute to Marilyn Monroe, 'Candle In the Wind' to make it even more saccharine and awful. Not to  mention he made the lyric completely incomphrensible to boot. There was much wailing, gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. Diana wasn't a crazy slut, no sir - she was DUH PEEPLES PRINCESZ!!! And lo as if by magic, ILLUSION NUMBER THREE was born.

Because here's the thing. - people are complex and anyone who prides themselves on being a 'free thinker' know that the media is largely comprised of lying, sensationalizing, sons-of-bitches who would sell their own kith & kin for the chance of getting pics of  celebrities being dead. And if not dead then a least drunk, stoned, naked or doing something unfeasably stupid. Anyone who is a free thinker knows that the mass media is designed for mass consumption aimed at the lowest common denominator - thus all subtlty, all nuance, all complexity is banished for the annoyance that it is to 'Breaking News!!!'

2009. Turns out that Tiger Woods is a horn dog. It's kind of funny for me, because I didn't even know the dude was married. The first I knew of Elan was when 'teh big story' broke along with his face and a chunk of his SUV. When people talked to me about it, they expressed a great deal of indignant rage that, somehow, Tiger had cheated on them too. Then there's the doofus who shut down his 'Tiger Woods Is God' website because of his 'sin' but that's a whole other rant for another day.

Thing is, I don' t know Tiger Woods. I never met him. I've never spoken to him. I never asked him if he cheated on his wife and he never said 'No Mang, I really didn't.' I never was under the impression that he got his endorsements because he was a responsible husband. I assumed he got them because he was ridiculously famous on account of him being ridiculously good at playing  golf. I was never under the impression that big companies were interested in him  because he was a family man but because he was really fucking famous and that's a great thing to attach to whatever product you're selling.

And then I realized that once again we just shifted from one illusion to another. We took multi faceted  human  beings (Tiger, his wife, the girlfriends etc) and we turned them into superficial, convenient, two dimensional images to feed our 'moral outrage as entertainment' complex. First he's the 'family man' and then he's the 'evil philanderer' all at the click of a button.

But America isn't really mad at Tiger Woods. It's mad at itself. Got fooled again by the oldest trick in the book.

[Payne]

Boo-fucking-Yah!

[Mangrove]

Tiger Woods - Supplemental.

1) The companies that withdrew his sponsorhip - Was there some kind of 'dont fuck around behind your wife's back' clause in the contract?

2) Hypocrisy - I'm willing to be that some of the executives involved in the various Woods endorsements had extra marital activities.

3) If you're buying a product just because Tiger uses it, you're an idiot.

4) If you're boycotting a product because Tiger used it but he's a horn dog - you're an even bigger idiot.

5) I suspect that many of the Tiger-gate women are frauds who've climbed out of the woodwork to get on shitty shows like 'Inside Edition' and 'Entertainment Tonight'.

6) We hear a lot about women he had sex with. Why do we not hear about the women who said 'no'? Why are these so-called girlfriends so morally outraged after the fact? They knew they were sleeping with an internationally famous man that was married. Sorry girls, he clearly knows how to choose his targets.

7) Prior to marriage, Tiger & his wife had discussed his 'wild bachelor days'. Hmm.

[Payne]

I shall be honest, I have pretty much completely avoided all the Tiger Woods story. I knew that he'd had an affair of affairs of some sort. That's about it.

I just like the rant

[Jenne]

I like the rant too.  Spot-on, Mang.  Spot-on.

[LMNO]

Dear Mangrove,

You should write rants more often.  They're good.

Love,
LMNO

[AFK]

to Mang!  Awesome piece!

And I guess, especially in the times we're in, a lot of people want to project.  Their life is in turmoil so it feels good to escape from that briefly and revel in someone else's misery.  Especially a someone else who is loaded and who has appeared to be living the good life for quite a while. 

[Cain]

Mang, maybe you can explain this to me: why are all African-Americans mystically connected to each other?  I must have seen a thousand articles comparing Tiger Woods with [insert black guy here, usually Obama].  I can only assume that it is because all black people share some strange connection that makes them think and act in similar ways.

That, or the media employs racist fuckwits.

[AFK]

Especially when you can stay in the same sport and compare him to, say, John Daly. 

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Mang, maybe you can explain this to me: why are all African-Americans mystically connected to each other?  I must have seen a thousand articles comparing Tiger Woods with [insert black guy here, usually Obama].  I can only assume that it is because all black people share some strange connection that makes them think and act in similar ways.

That, or the media employs racist fuckwits.

THIS!

  to the OP!

That was a great piece of writing there, you should do it more often!!!

[Mangrove]

Mang, maybe you can explain this to me: why are all African-Americans mystically connected to each other?  I must have seen a thousand articles comparing Tiger Woods with [insert black guy here, usually Obama].  I can only assume that it is because all black people share some strange connection that makes them think and act in similar ways.

That, or the media employs racist fuckwits.

Dear Cain,

Although not used much in today's common parlance, I believe the metaphysical phenomena to which your refer is called 'Soul Brothers'. This should explain:

a) They're African American (thus, 'Brothers')
b) Mystical connection (thus, 'Soul')

Of course, an alternative hypothesis is that the media employ racist fuckwits.


PS Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback on the OP.

[Xooxe]

Tiger-gate

What's with this spate of people and institutions fucking up in places with self-referencing names ending with "gate"? It's just asking for trouble. There are plenty of countries that could rename themselves "CIA-Gate" to ward off evil.

Great rant, Mang.    Just like Payne I know sweet fuck all about Tiger Woods, and I've hardly followed any of this, but it's kind of interesting to see from the outside.

[Kai]

Dear Mangrove,

My uncle was constantly making Tiger Woods jokes the whole time I was at my grandparent's house. He thought it was all hilarious. I am sick of hearing about it.

[Mangrove]

SSOOKN intercepted text message:

"Hey Chuck! Thanks for taking some heat off of me. Looking forward to next season of  2/12 men.

TW "