The truth about Hirley0

[Doktor Howl]

Hirley0 is actually the owner of the site, and maintains ECH as a dummy account.  He also owns the server, regularly pranks the US government, and blames it on the Chinese.

Another interesting note is that Hirley0 is the Cabal leader for Portland, and hands out instructions from the back of a Good Humor Truck.  This explains why Nigel is always doing weird shit with staplers at 3AM, and why the Portland spags never actually meet each other.  They don't have to.  He runs them in cells, so that no one person getting busted will compromise the entire agenda.

All those notes Hirley0 keeps on PD mean something, all right, but you don't want to know.  Seriously.  He's basically the only thing between you and a cell in the Philly brig, and the less you know, the better.

Hirley0 is also the reason there are no stray dogs in Portland, and why the hippies try very hard to be indoors before dark.  Hirley0 may be your last hope, but he has unsavory habits, and it's just best not to dwell on it.

Hirley0 knows where you live.  He just doesn't care.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Sounds plausible enough to me.

[Doktor Howl]

Sounds plausible enough to me.

Well, your half-asleep thing blew his cover, so I thought I'd just go ahead and get things out in the open.

Hirley0 is also the reason Peleus had to move to Washington State.

[Payne]

Hirley0 is a scary motherfucker. He hasdevised a monstrous machine within which he can literally steal your dreams and replace them with dreams he chooses to give you. For us on PD, it is often a PD related dream, possibly including killing one or more members of the forum.

Hirley0 has multi-stacked intelligences. Nor personalities, intelligences. They are currently working together to create a fully perfect AI in the center of his brain, for purposes unknown.

Any story that you hear involving duct tape, a syringe, two doctors, and tyre chainseither involves Hirley0 directly, or has been invented by him to create a smoke screen.

Hirley0 invented Windows, but let Bill Gates take the flak.

Hirley0 cannot see the colour green. He can only hear in trinary.

Some say that if you tweak his left "nipple",  you can turn the temperature of showers up and down the  left coast either to FULLY FUCKING HOT, or FULLY FUCKING COLD. No one has ever attempted tweaking his right "nipple". It is presumed this will NOT have a similar effect on the right coast.

Hirley0 learned the alphabet at school as QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM, and is confused by people referring to the "ABC's".

It is told that Hirley0 began life much like a hermit crab does, but instead of re-using old sea shells to live in, he used mobile phones, moving up to larger and more complex technology. It was actualy Hirley0 in Deep Blue.

Hirley's nemesis is O'Reilly, and "Living The Life O' Reilly" was originaly supposed to be a deeply disturbing and terrible curse.

[Jasper]

Dok, no fair just Sherlocking the whole thing like that.  You haven't even analyzed mud stains or cigarette ash yet.

[Stelpa]

So, wait, what the fuck is a Hirley? 

[Richter]

Hirley is blacklisted by all major cancer charities after his last "Donation".  Hirley is the reason you can't have nice things.  Big brand medications list Hirley as a side effect, just to be safe. 

[Salty]

So, wait, what the fuck is a Hirley? 

That's just the kind of question that got three noobs killed last year.

Of course, we can't be sure what killed them or if they're even dead. But when you have police reports of a B&E at three different locations spread across the globe with the owners "missing" and strange-but-identical markings on their walls, as well as their neighbors reporting seeing them being carted away in the middle of the night with black hoods over their heads it doesn't take much to realize that they should have just left well enough alone.

My understanding is that he controls a vast array of sleeper cells, including several benign franchises where even the owners do not realize that at the slightest whim they can be awoken to carry out his orders. All I'm going to say is: don't make fun of fast food employees that have to wear funny paper hats.

[Doktor Howl]

So, wait, what the fuck is a Hirley? 

Nothing.  You never even heard the word.

Play silly buggers with this, and you might not have ever happened, either.

[Suu]

Hirley0 is a himeob.

[Eater of Clowns]

It was a time of everything ending, really.  A small crew of the closest friends held bittersweet ceremonies in defiance of their nearing departure and in celebration of their brief, strong histories.  It was a late on a cool night in the early spring with stars in rural western Massachusetts guiding my path.  Each step toward the small stream near our townhouses was something, not lost, but drawing to a close.

My college job where I met some of these great people.  My relationship; an ugly but entirely too delayed finish.  My years in a place I'd come to love.

I walk lightly yet in that quiet even my shoes scraping against the pavement sounded enough to wake a small city.  I sighed as I arrived at the sad, trickling little waterway and leaned over the concrete bannister blocking it from the road.

"Take this," came a voice.  It was just behind my left shoulder.  A gloved hand held a strip of paper toward me, perfectly still.

I wasn't startled in the regular sense of the word.  I didn't expect this person and they'd made no sound, but they came as no surprise.  Before taking the paper, I studied the newcomer.  The memory is obscured now, though I can recall that then it was so clear, more real than everything else.

I looked at what I now held as the person disappeared down the lonely road.  It read:

TNM 14 hours and 32 minutes.
Aug 1 5 8 10 10 11 11 11 14 16 27
Sept 2 3 4 4 9 10 12 12 15 24

I followed it, and arrived here.

[the last yatto]

Hirley0 is also the reason Peleus had to move to Washington State.

Hirley0 is the reason I'm Suddenly afraid to go outdoors

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I know Hirley0's real name, but I'm too afraid to say it.

[Doktor Howl]

I know Hirley0's real name, but I'm too afraid to say it.

You couldn't pronounce it anyway, due to human physiological limitations.

[Telarus]

As a PDX spag, I can attest to the 100% verisimilitude of all of the above.