Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Or Kill Me => Topic started by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 04, 2010, 08:10:42 am

Title: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 04, 2010, 08:10:42 am
The phone was ringing. I must have been asleep...

I didn't want to pick up the phone, but when you're groggy you don't really have a lot of sense.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Kevin?"
"mmm, yeah..." I yawned. I sat up in bed and put my glasses on.
"Good morning, sir..." I registered the English accent, with a vague alarm. My father went off to England and I haven't heard from him.
The Englishman continued, "...I'm with the British consulate." My vague alarm subsided.
"Ok"
"We're calling to inform you that due to your recent activities with the IRA, Her Majesty's Government has sentenced you to death by lethal injection, to be carried out at half twelve AM, tomorrow morning. If you do not show, you are subject to arrest."
"Oh, hmmm... well is there anyway we could not do that?"
"Terribly sorry no"
"Oh."
"The execution will take place at the consulate. Do you need directions?"
"No. I can google it."
"Right, try to come 15 minutes early. Have a lovely day."
"You too."
"Thanks."

I hung up the phone and went about my morning routine, half asleep like a zombie. I mentioned off-handedly to my roommates that they would have to find a replacement for me immediately.

Fuck it, I'll take the day off.

As the coffee worked its way in, the import of my morning phone call sunk in. I should probably put my affairs into order. I called my mom and my sisters, told them that I loved them. Called my band to let them know what was up. Called my girlfriend, who also happens to be my band's bassist. Every last one of them asked me, "Well, are you involved with the IRA?"
"No, I just go about my business, you know?"
"I think you should call them back and tell them it was a mistake."
"I already agreed to it. Bastards got me while I was half asleep."
"Well you should call them back, and tell them it was a mistake."
"No, that's too much hassle. Besides, they wouldn't buy it anyway."

I went about my business, as usual. Every so often my impending doom would dawn upon me and I'd choke up and feel a mix of emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness, regret. Whenever this happened, I would make note of the time and say to whoever was present how much time I had to live. Around lunch time this happened. "Twelve hours on the dot and I'm dead!"

It was a comfort mechanism. I'm one of those people who resorts to humor when they can't express themselves otherwise. I wasted the time away, thinking of what I should do for my last hours of life. Nothing really came to me. Too short of a notice.

Evening came, and there wasn't much time left. I went to Dorchester to see my girlfriend one last time, to have dinner and a couple of drinks with her, and have one last roll in the hay. When I met up with her we were talking about it.

"You know this doesn't make any fucking sense. I never did anything to warrant the death penalty, let alone from a foreign government. Why should I put up with this shit? Fuck it, I'm not going. They can come and get me. If I can squeeze in an extra 5 minutes all the better. Assholes probably won't even take notice, since I'm just a piece of paper."

This naturally was fuelled by a combo of whiskey and Guinness. We went back to her place and had that roll in the hay. As we were cuddling in the afterglow, I looked over at the clock, which said 12:35.

I smiled. Then I realized that the UK doesn't have the death penalty anymore.

The phone was ringing. I must have been asleep...
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Placid Dingo on June 04, 2010, 08:30:39 am
 :mittens:

This is great.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 04, 2010, 08:40:14 am
:mittens:

This is great.

I actually dreamt this two nights ago. Gotta say, weirdest sex dream I ever had.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on June 04, 2010, 09:30:16 am
:mittens:

This is great.

I actually dreamt this two nights ago. Gotta say, weirdest sex dream I ever had.

You obviously never had the fisting-an-elephant-urethra dream then?  :lulz:
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: NotPublished on June 04, 2010, 10:30:55 am
I will now!

holy crap that was awesome though Twid
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 04, 2010, 02:12:50 pm
I will now!

holy crap that was awesome though Twid

Thanks NP
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 04, 2010, 02:13:40 pm
:mittens:

This is great.

I actually dreamt this two nights ago. Gotta say, weirdest sex dream I ever had.

You obviously never had the fisting-an-elephant-urethra dream then?  :lulz:

No, but I'll let you know when I do
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Adios on June 04, 2010, 07:30:21 pm
Suddenly you scare me.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 04, 2010, 07:32:37 pm
Suddenly you scare me.

How's that?
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Adios on June 04, 2010, 07:33:34 pm
The phone was ringing. I must have been asleep...

I didn't want to pick up the phone, but when you're groggy you don't really have a lot of sense.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Kevin?"
"mmm, yeah..." I yawned. I sat up in bed and put my glasses on.
"Good morning, sir..." I registered the English accent, with a vague alarm. My father went off to England and I haven't heard from him.
The Englishman continued, "...I'm with the British consulate." My vague alarm subsided.
"Ok"
"We're calling to inform you that due to your recent activities with the IRA, Her Majesty's Government has sentenced you to death by lethal injection, to be carried out at half twelve AM, tomorrow morning. If you do not show, you are subject to arrest."
"Oh, hmmm... well is there anyway we could not do that?"
"Terribly sorry no"
"Oh."
"The execution will take place at the consulate. Do you need directions?"
"No. I can google it."
"Right, try to come 15 minutes early. Have a lovely day."
"You too."
"Thanks."

I hung up the phone and went about my morning routine, half asleep like a zombie. I mentioned off-handedly to my roommates that they would have to find a replacement for me immediately.

Fuck it, I'll take the day off.

As the coffee worked its way in, the import of my morning phone call sunk in. I should probably put my affairs into order. I called my mom and my sisters, told them that I loved them. Called my band to let them know what was up. Called my girlfriend, who also happens to be my band's bassist. Every last one of them asked me, "Well, are you involved with the IRA?"
"No, I just go about my business, you know?"
"I think you should call them back and tell them it was a mistake."
"I already agreed to it. Bastards got me while I was half asleep."
"Well you should call them back, and tell them it was a mistake."
"No, that's too much hassle. Besides, they wouldn't buy it anyway."

I went about my business, as usual. Every so often my impending doom would dawn upon me and I'd choke up and feel a mix of emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness, regret. Whenever this happened, I would make note of the time and say to whoever was present how much time I had to live. Around lunch time this happened. "Twelve hours on the dot and I'm dead!"

It was a comfort mechanism. I'm one of those people who resorts to humor when they can't express themselves otherwise. I wasted the time away, thinking of what I should do for my last hours of life. Nothing really came to me. Too short of a notice.

Evening came, and there wasn't much time left. I went to Dorchester to see my girlfriend one last time, to have dinner and a couple of drinks with her, and have one last roll in the hay. When I met up with her we were talking about it.

"You know this doesn't make any fucking sense. I never did anything to warrant the death penalty, let alone from a foreign government. Why should I put up with this shit? Fuck it, I'm not going. They can come and get me. If I can squeeze in an extra 5 minutes all the better. Assholes probably won't even take notice, since I'm just a piece of paper."

This naturally was fuelled by a combo of whiskey and Guinness. We went back to her place and had that roll in the hay. As we were cuddling in the afterglow, I looked over at the clock, which said 12:35.

I smiled. Then I realized that the UK doesn't have the death penalty anymore.

The phone was ringing. I must have been asleep...

I never even had anything like this on acid.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 04, 2010, 07:40:14 pm
Ah, well, I get some pretty funky dreams time and again, though you do have a point, this one's a really weird one.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Jasper on June 05, 2010, 03:20:17 am
I fucking love "Oh. Hmm... Is there any way we could not do that?"  Just the cozy, unalarmed, just wait and see if I give a damn tone.   :lulz:
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 05, 2010, 05:13:56 am
I fucking love "Oh. Hmm... Is there any way we could not do that?"  Just the cozy, unalarmed, just wait and see if I give a damn tone.   :lulz:

Yeah, that's why I included it here. I thought that the general concept jived with Discordia. I thought a lot about the dream and wondered what my subconscious was trying to tell me. Still not sure I have my head wrapped around it. My apparent initial non-chalantness got me thinking. Could be metaphoric that people (myself included) just kinda let stuff happen and don't really question it.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: BadBeast on June 10, 2010, 09:29:51 pm
The phone was ringing. I must have been asleep...

I didn't want to pick up the phone, but when you're groggy you don't really have a lot of sense.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Kevin?"
"mmm, yeah..." I yawned. I sat up in bed and put my glasses on.
"Good morning, sir..." I registered the English accent, with a vague alarm. My father went off to England and I haven't heard from him.
The Englishman continued, "...I'm with the British consulate." My vague alarm subsided.
"Ok"
"We're calling to inform you that due to your recent activities with the IRA, Her Majesty's Government has sentenced you to death by lethal injection, to be carried out at half twelve AM, tomorrow morning. If you do not show, you are subject to arrest."
"Oh, hmmm... well is there anyway we could not do that?"
"Terribly sorry no"
"Oh."
"The execution will take place at the consulate. Do you need directions?"
"No. I can google it."
"Right, try to come 15 minutes early. Have a lovely day."
"You too."
"Thanks."

I hung up the phone and went about my morning routine, half asleep like a zombie. I mentioned off-handedly to my roommates that they would have to find a replacement for me immediately.

Fuck it, I'll take the day off.

As the coffee worked its way in, the import of my morning phone call sunk in. I should probably put my affairs into order. I called my mom and my sisters, told them that I loved them. Called my band to let them know what was up. Called my girlfriend, who also happens to be my band's bassist. Every last one of them asked me, "Well, are you involved with the IRA?"
"No, I just go about my business, you know?"
"I think you should call them back and tell them it was a mistake."
"I already agreed to it. Bastards got me while I was half asleep."
"Well you should call them back, and tell them it was a mistake."
"No, that's too much hassle. Besides, they wouldn't buy it anyway."

I went about my business, as usual. Every so often my impending doom would dawn upon me and I'd choke up and feel a mix of emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness, regret. Whenever this happened, I would make note of the time and say to whoever was present how much time I had to live. Around lunch time this happened. "Twelve hours on the dot and I'm dead!"

It was a comfort mechanism. I'm one of those people who resorts to humor when they can't express themselves otherwise. I wasted the time away, thinking of what I should do for my last hours of life. Nothing really came to me. Too short of a notice.

Evening came, and there wasn't much time left. I went to Dorchester to see my girlfriend one last time, to have dinner and a couple of drinks with her, and have one last roll in the hay. When I met up with her we were talking about it.

"You know this doesn't make any fucking sense. I never did anything to warrant the death penalty, let alone from a foreign government. Why should I put up with this shit? Fuck it, I'm not going. They can come and get me. If I can squeeze in an extra 5 minutes all the better. Assholes probably won't even take notice, since I'm just a piece of paper."

This naturally was fuelled by a combo of whiskey and Guinness. We went back to her place and had that roll in the hay. As we were cuddling in the afterglow, I looked over at the clock, which said 12:35.

I smiled. Then I realized that the UK doesn't have the death penalty anymore.

The phone was ringing. I must have been asleep...

I've seen some imaginative and devious ways to coax a shag out of someone, but Dude, when she realises it was all just a ploy to get some gratuitous, bittersweet sleep sex with her you're going to wish that the phonecall was for real.
But hats off to you, it was very artfully done, and thoroughly entertaining. 

So how come whenever I have sex dreams, they're always about sex. Get's a bit tedious, banging your nail into the same old dream all the time, night after night.  Maybe I just need a bit of "strange".   
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 11, 2010, 04:20:16 am
I've seen some imaginative and devious ways to coax a shag out of someone, but Dude, when she realises it was all just a ploy to get some gratuitous, bittersweet sleep sex with her you're going to wish that the phonecall was for real.
But hats off to you, it was very artfully done, and thoroughly entertaining. 

So how come whenever I have sex dreams, they're always about sex. Get's a bit tedious, banging your nail into the same old dream all the time, night after night.  Maybe I just need a bit of "strange".   

I must have had just the right combination of events and conversations of the previous day plus other stuff on my mind for this dream. No clue. Thought it was pretty cool though, but I was very confused when I was actually transitioning to a waking state. The only bit about this that was added was that the phone wasn't ringing when I woke up for real. I thought it would be cool to have the end mirror the beginning. But thanks man, good to know that some of my weird dreams are worth sharing.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on July 15, 2010, 02:12:41 pm
I'm in a strange building, half a sketchy warehouse, half a home. Like someone's secret lab. I don't know how I got here, or where the stick in my hands came from, or what my partner's name is, but I do know that this place has been overrun by Devil-worshippers and there are crazed chimpanzees running around, along with other lab animals. There are empty cages all over the place.

My partner and I are running around, trying to take care not to be bitten by these things as well as find the people we're looking for. For some reason they're important and are our primary objective in being in this place.

After some searching, I hear something from behind a wall of boxes, I knock them down and there they are. A man and a woman, (I know that they are romantically involved with one another) both fairly attractive. This is their place and they were doing some sort of research here. Now they were stripped down to their underwear, gagged and had their hands tied behind their backs, all with shrink-wrap. Their ankles were similarly bound. They were bouncing around, trying to shout through their gags and avoiding a chimp.

I chase the chimp off with my stick, come back and notice that on the desk is a baphomet surrounded by inverted crosses separating the individual digits of 666, along with the slogan, "Hail Satan!", scrawled in an adolescent hand, similar to my own attempts at defacing school property many years ago.

I take the stick and use it to remove the plastic from her ankles and wrists, saying, "here, you can get the gag, and set him loose too." I didn't want to spend too much time leaving myself open by freeing both of them. I've seen enough movies to know better.

"Oh thank you so much! I prayed and prayed that someone would come and save us!" she sputtered, "Praise Jesus! Amen!"
"All in a day's work ma'am." I looked at the desk and added with a mischievous grin and not a little fire in my eyes, "Hail Satan!"
I think I meant it too.

Everything must have happened very fast after that. The next thing I knew, they had gotten dressed, and the secret lab was secured and the animals all back in their cages. The Devil worshippers in question were long gone.

She was recording a vlog for her YouTube channel. Kinda weird for someone running a secret lab when you think about it. She also looked pretty cute with her glasses back on.

"...my boyfriend and I neutered and spayed our monkeys, but I guess we only half worked on him. Because he came after me with purpose and I was going to get it if not for our heroes..." gesturing to me and my partner, while we were poking through their cool lab stuff. She continued into the camera "I was trying to tell the chimp he didn't want any of that. Because I have herpes. Every so often I get festering sores all over my vagina. Herpes. Even if it wasn't contagious you wouldn't want to touch my itching, burning, scabby genitals." Okay, that took a turn for the fucking weird. This was getting to be too much. Talking a chimp out of raping you by graphically describing your herpes to him isn't going to work, and I don't see the point in sharing that info with YouTube. She continued, "You don't want my vagina scabs on your monkey penis. That's not hot!"

I turned from a book I pulled off their shelf and had been skimming through. I saw myself from across the room. Apparently, I am being played by 1990s David Duchovny. And it's one of those bad haircut episodes. But hey, at least I have a nice ensemble. Too bad my partner isn't Gillian Anderson. Come to think of it, I'm having trouble seeing his face. I/David have that mischievous grin again, turn to her and retort, "What are you talking about? Herpes are shmexy! I know I'm turned on right now from that description."

"Kevin, it's 8 o'clock"
"Hmm?"
"It's 8 o'clock, you wanted me to make sure that you woke up at 8."

I was asleep, what the fuck was that?

"Cool, thanks"
"Did Matt come home last night?"
"Yep, yes he did..."
Cue 15 minute half asleep to fully awake conversation.

I need to stop going to bed so late.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Jasper on July 18, 2010, 03:59:12 am
Your dreams are so damn awesome.  I need to start training myself for lucid dreaming.  Anyway, keep sharing, I like it!

:mittens:
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on July 18, 2010, 07:47:24 am
Nice shit! :mittens:

I also have some crazy half-asleep experiences... my sleep chemicals are all kinds of fucked up, so sometimes I dream when I'm not actually asleep, and sometimes I wake up doing shit sleeping people shouldn't be doing, which has in the past created some serious misunderstandings (especially when I'm angry about being woken up). When the right combination of effects are present, though, I can lie there watching and describing "brain movie", which is often extremely disturbing.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on July 20, 2010, 03:38:50 am
Your dreams are so damn awesome.  I need to start training myself for lucid dreaming.  Anyway, keep sharing, I like it!

:mittens:

I had another one that I wanted to share here a couple of nights before this. Unfortunately I got side tracked that morning, and now and can't really remember the idea behind it. All I can remember is that I thought it was pretty cool.

That said, I've only had lucid dreams a handful of times. One of them involved my old supervisor (who is from Siberia, which I guess makes sense since there was a lot of Russian graffiti, some of it I was able to read) and a zombie outbreak. I realized I was dreaming so I willed myself to grow wings so I could fly to a rooftop and avoid the zombies with my supervisor. She got bit though, so I had to fly off that roof.

I intermittently keep a dream journal. I might go through it to see if I have other gems. If I do, I'll post, along with the date that I had them.

Actually, now I kinda remember the other dream. It involved the house I grew up in. I'll see if I can remember it well enough to post into some narrative, with the caveat that it is half remembered, and probably inaccurate.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on July 20, 2010, 03:43:13 am
Nice shit! :mittens:

I also have some crazy half-asleep experiences... my sleep chemicals are all kinds of fucked up, so sometimes I dream when I'm not actually asleep, and sometimes I wake up doing shit sleeping people shouldn't be doing, which has in the past created some serious misunderstandings (especially when I'm angry about being woken up). When the right combination of effects are present, though, I can lie there watching and describing "brain movie", which is often extremely disturbing.

I was once able to pull something similar off, but it involved severe sleep deprivation. I'm not comfortable sleeping while travelling, and I was basically up for 3 days straight. I started hallucinating. I was only able to tell the fact at the time because when it kicked in, I was on a train from Fishguard, Wales, to Salisbury England, and the English people I wasn't talking to were giving me strange and slightly frightened looks. Which of course, caused me to laugh a lot. Then I passed out on the table in front of me.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on July 20, 2010, 04:03:56 am
Nice shit! :mittens:

I also have some crazy half-asleep experiences... my sleep chemicals are all kinds of fucked up, so sometimes I dream when I'm not actually asleep, and sometimes I wake up doing shit sleeping people shouldn't be doing, which has in the past created some serious misunderstandings (especially when I'm angry about being woken up). When the right combination of effects are present, though, I can lie there watching and describing "brain movie", which is often extremely disturbing.

I was once able to pull something similar off, but it involved severe sleep deprivation. I'm not comfortable sleeping while travelling, and I was basically up for 3 days straight. I started hallucinating. I was only able to tell the fact at the time because when it kicked in, I was on a train from Fishguard, Wales, to Salisbury England, and the English people I wasn't talking to were giving me strange and slightly frightened looks. Which of course, caused me to laugh a lot. Then I passed out on the table in front of me.

Strike that. I got a coach bus from Fishguard to, I think, Cardiff. The train was from Cardiff to Salisbury, if I recall correctly. This happened in 2002.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Hoser McRhizzy on July 20, 2010, 07:02:39 am
Loved reading these, Twid! 

 :mittens:

I intermittently keep a dream journal. I might go through it to see if I have other gems. If I do, I'll post, along with the date that I had them.

Really looking forward to this.

I kept a dream journal for about a year, ages ago.  But after a few months, they got ridiculously easy to interpret...  Like my dreambrain was dumbing it down for me or something. Decided I wasn't giving my subconscious enough time to play without oversight (always felt kind of awake anyway), and stopped.

Reading yours makes me want to start logging them again.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on July 20, 2010, 07:49:50 am
Loved reading these, Twid! 

 :mittens:

I intermittently keep a dream journal. I might go through it to see if I have other gems. If I do, I'll post, along with the date that I had them.

Really looking forward to this.

I kept a dream journal for about a year, ages ago.  But after a few months, they got ridiculously easy to interpret...  Like my dreambrain was dumbing it down for me or something. Decided I wasn't giving my subconscious enough time to play without oversight (always felt kind of awake anyway), and stopped.

Reading yours makes me want to start logging them again.

I just skimmed through a few to see if anything jumped out. I must've definitely been half asleep for a good portion of the entries. The descriptions aren't my best writing, and the handwriting is a lot worse than my usual, fully awake handwriting. But I'll see if I can suitably adapt them.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 03, 2010, 05:43:08 pm
I'm at work. The lay out is kinda weird though. It doesn't look like work at all. I'm in a room with a sliding glass door, looking through files, busily looking for something... What am I looking for? I guess I'll know it when I see it. I'm going to be doing this for a long time.

A female employee walks in from the hallway, into the dimly lit ajoining room. She's overweight, but not fat, kinda hot actually. I've never seen her here before. She flashes me her breasts, smiles and proceeds to strip down entirely. As I'm looking, I remember that I have a girlfriend. Before I can tell her to put her clothes back on I see Dr. S, my boss in my previous position, coming down the hall. He gets to the door and the girl has just finished putting her shirt back on.

Dr. S looks at me. Suddenly he's very tall, even though I know that he is shorter than me (if you can believe that). The disappointment on his face draws my attention away from his huge mustache. "This is highly inappropriate," is all he says, and goes into a side door in the dimly lit room. "Mark!" [name intentionally changed] I call after him, trying to explain that I didn't do anything. "Mark!" The door closes.

The woman and I wait in the dimly lit room, waiting for him to come back. She's upset that she's going to lose her job. I'm trying to think of ways to keep my own and possibly save hers. I get the sense that sudden nudity aside, she's really a decent person. Insinctively though, I know there's nothing I can do, and she's going to have to get the axe.

A lot of time passes, and I go back into the file room. Mark comes out of the side room. He's aged considerably. "You're making too much noise." And closes the sliding door. "Mark, let me explain about..." he shakes his head and goes back into the room. I go back to the files. He comes out again and he's considerably younger. "You're going to wake the baby." "Mark, I need to talk to you." He returns to the room. I wait by the door. "Mark, come on man, talk to me!" He comes back out with a baby. "You've woken up Antoine. Who the hell are you anyway?" "Dr. S, you know who I am!" "I'm not a Doctor, I'm a police officer." I suddenly realize that I've been travelling through time, and I tell him this. "I know you as Dr. S, several years from now."
The thing is, Dr. S was never a cop, and never had a kid named Antoine. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

The next day, I was at a barbecue. Dr. S happened to be there also. I walked up to him. "Mark, did you have a really weird dream last night?" He looks at me kinda shocked, and says "Yes." "Did it involve time travel?" "Uh, yes..." Then he looks uncomfortable and quickly moves to talk to someone else.

I open my eyes, and I'm lying down on the couch. Last thing I remember was watching Jon Stewart.

I must have been asleep.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2010, 03:08:49 pm
I'm on an island somewhere in New England, but I don't really know where. I look around and I'm in a bar, and my mother is the bartender. We're trying to decide what to order out from Bertucci's (an Italian restaurant chain that makes brick oven pizza and really awesome rolls). Mom tells me what she and my sister were getting, and if I wanted any of it. I don't really but the idea of Bertucci's sounds good. I count out 10 dollars and 4 empty wallets, and hand them to her, saying that I'll have a large pizza from there and a beer from the bar. This angers her and she starts talking about how she wants me out and that I'm taking up too much space. I get angry and demand the 10 dollars back (but oddly, not the wallets) so I can go to Bertucci's myself and enjoy my pizza alone. She gives the money back and I go outside and get on my bike.

Funny, when did I get a bike? I know I was thinking of getting one...

I'm riding around, trying to figure out how to get to Bertucci's, and the locals are gawking at me and wondering if I'm a 1 percenter. It's a bicycle, not a motorcycle and I don't look the part... Forget about that, there's Mr. M on his bike. Good old Mr. M, the receptionist where I work, who calls everyone Mr/Ms/Dr Lastname even if you're a regular old grunt like me. He took to calling me Dr. M after a postdoc made a mistake about my role in the office. Anyway, there he was, in his tweed jacket, riding his bike. He'll know how to get back to Boston.

I start following him. He's going very fast, and it's hard to keep up with him, and I'm starting to get nervous about my own speed. He zips through red lights, so I do too, just to try and catch up. Just as I start to get close, he does a complete turn and guns it past me in the other direction. He must be evading me but why? I turn around, and he's already gotten very far, but he's slowed down a little, because I can see that he is now fighting elderly Asians from his bike. I think one of them is actually Bruce Lee. Wasn't he dead? They must be zombies. Zombies who know martial arts. He breaks through the zombies and goes very quickly to a side street on the left. As I pass the zombies I push them out of the way and try and gain speed. I come up to the side street, take the left and....

My eyes open. I'm on the couch and sore from last night's coughing fit. I must have been asleep.

At least Mr. M successfully led me back to Boston.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Adios on September 22, 2010, 03:11:40 pm
I am enjoying these.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 22, 2010, 03:18:48 pm
I am enjoying these.

 :)
Thanks Charley, I enjoy writing them. I have weird dreams more frequently than this, but usually by the time that I get up to record them, I've already forgotten them. Maybe with more practice I'll be able to remember more.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 23, 2010, 06:23:15 pm
I've moved into a new apartment, apparently I have a roommate that came with the place. As I look around at my new place, I see a piece of paper in the living room on an end table. It turns itself slightly clockwise and then counter clockwise, over and over in a regular beat like it's some sort of weird metronome. My roommate doesn't seem to notice. I pick it up and it stops moving. I read it and start laughing at the gibberish on it.

"What's so funny?"
"This, it was written by Hirley!"
"Who?"
"hirley0- he's a guy on this forum I go to, this is the only sort of stuff he posts, here, look..."

I grab my laptop and log into PD, show him a hirley thread and he starts laughing. The landlord opens the door abruptly and says, "Stop making so much noise, or I'll take your computers away!" and closes the door just abruptly. We quiet down and then the door opens again. There is a man with grey hair and glasses there, and says, "Hi, is this 236?"
"Yeah," we both respond.

"I'm Hirley. Would have come down sooner to let you know but I was upstairs masturbating. That's why the paper was moving."
"You're hirley from PD?"
"Yeah."
"I'll will take the computers away!!!!" we heard the landlord shout up to us.
"So, why did you bring the paper down here?"
"Because I was masturbating."

Made sense to me.

"So you live above us?"
"Yep"
"So, the stuff you post on PD..."
"I don't like the Principia Discordia"
"Well, some people on PD don't..."
"I don't like Discordianism. I disagree with all of it."
"Ohhh-kay, not what I'm asking, but..."

The landlord bursts in:
"I told you to be quiet! I'm taking the computers away!"
And he did so.

Hirley started to leave. All I wanted to know was what his stuff meant. I wanted to make some sense of it. I followed him out to the hallway.

Just as I exited the door, the landlord was at the bottom of the stairs yelling up:
"Attention all tenants! Come out here! I know one of you is intending on breaking your lease in a couple of months. I will find out who you are! I will take your computer away! And when you leave here you better keep paying the rent OR I WILL FUCK YOU UP!!!!!"

For some reason, I knew that I was the one who would break the lease. I just moved in today and I already hate this guy. Guess I'll have to get a second job and a new computer.

Hirley keeps going, and exits the back door. I follow him out. He's smoking a cigarette. "Um, I'm Doktor Blight--err, Kevin, by the way," I say as I extend my hand.
"I don't care," he responds, ignoring the handshake.
"So seriously, what does this stuff mean?" I insisted, waving the paper a little for emphasis.
"That's just some stuff I type. There is no meaning."
"But, it has to make some sort of sense to you at least"
"No it doesn't, and no, it doesn't."

There was a knock at my door.
"Kevin, it's time for us to go and pick up your mother."

I must have been asleep.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 23, 2010, 06:25:21 pm
Hirley0 is the Philo Drummond of PD.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 23, 2010, 06:34:54 pm
Hirley0 is the Philo Drummond of PD.

Had to google that. Putting reading up on SubGenii on my list of things to do.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on September 30, 2010, 01:49:43 pm
I'm on a spaceship. Not one that I would have expected. I look down, and I'm wearing NASA patches, one of which says Apollo 23. Obama must have sent us back to the Moon instead of Mars. I look at my crew mates. Random guy I've never seen before, and... George W. Bush? Oh fuck, he's the mission commander.

The random guy stays in the lunar orbiter while Commander Bush and I take the module down to the moon. We stay there for awhile going over the mission. Take some photos, collect some samples, continue erecting structures for the lunar science station, rescue the survivors of Apollo 22.

We suit up and start exploring. I keep telling myself not to jump because I'll go very high and have to piss in my spacesuit. We take our photos, and start putting up some of the automated stuff that can be controlled from earth, helping make observations about space before the moon lab is complete, as well as continue unmanned construction. A second lunar module is going to be permanently left here for the purpose of building the base around.

W isn't looking so well when we return to the module. He starts telling me about this old injury he got back in his Yale days. He's drinking whiskey. A lot of whiskey. The former president is the first drunk on the moon. I start thinking about his qualifications about this. Well, he did pilot that fighter jet onto the USS Mission Accomplished. The other guy is a pilot I guess. And I... know nothing about how to fly. Matter of fact I am entirely un-qualified for this mission. What the fuck am I doing here? Bush continues to drink, and his face begins to swell on one side. "I can't complete the mission right now, you'll have to go out there on your own."

Fuck. I'm outside the module again. Doing various tasks. Then I hear gunfire. There are Chinese soldiers on the moon, and they're pissed off and I don't have any weapons. I guess I know what happened to Apollo 22.

Wait, fuckin' frat boy brought some sais with him. Damned if I know why, but they'll come in handy right about now.

I sneak back to the module, and W is still drinking and getting face bloat. I grab his sais, return outside and throw them at the Chinese soldiers, smashing their face visors and causing them to asphyxiate.

I see the survivors now, they're lying down on the ground. I crawl on over to them, in case there are more Chinese soldiers. I'm using 10 lb dumbbells to keep myself weighted down, even though I'm still heavy enough not to accidentally push myself into orbit.

I grab the two survivors, put the dumbbells into my backpack, as well as the sais and a pair of earrings, and head back to the module. THe survivors are grateful for the food and a place to stay indoors, and a chance to go home. The mission isn't done yet though. Still have to get some samples.

I go back outside, grab a couple of samples, keep an extra one for a keepsake, and pull a bottle of wine out of my back pack. I make some invocations and pour the wine onto the ground.

Returning to the module it's time to get back to the orbiter and head home. Arriving back on Earth, I think, man people aren't going to believe this! I'm going to have to tell everyone I just got back from the Moon and shit. Update my facebook status, start a new thread on PD, go to the bar and get free drinks... I'm a fucking hero dammit, pulling off the first lunar rescue mission. I'm going to get the Congressional Medal of Honor and shit. But do people know about it? Wasn't I only gone for a day? It takes like, 3 days or something to get to the Moon. It's July 2011. I don't even know when I left, but I think I was gone for a week and a half. I try googling Apollo 23, and nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing about Apollo 22... or 21.... or 20....

Obama's been secretly sending people to the Moon. Considering there were Chinese soldiers and the Mission Commander was one of the worst presidents in history (even though he and I became friends during the course of the mission, drunken face bloating aside), I can only assume that Obama was sending expendibles on clandestine missions to the moon for the purpose of removing the Chinese presence.

That bastard.

I open my eyes. I'm on the couch again. It's a good couch, by the way.

I must have been asleep. That noted, for a brief minute, I still believed that I had just returned from the moon.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on October 01, 2010, 02:41:23 pm
I'm walking down a street, and everyone is wearing old style clothing. I look around and all the signs are in German. Hmmm. I keep walking, not really thinking about where I'm going or even why I'm here, when I pass by a small side street and see none other than Adolf Hitler and his high ranking goons walking to the street I'm on. Sensing an opportunity for a little bit of mischief I duck behind the building on the corner and listen to them talk to gauge how close they are.

Maybe this is not a good idea. Nazis are kinda dangerous. Too late I'm already jumping out in front of them.

I land square in front of the Fuhrer himself, give the salute and shout "Heil Juden!"

This startles them all, at first from having someone suddenly jump out in front of them, and then from the size of my proverbial balls. I personally am now thinking this is by far the stupidest single thing I have done in what is now probably going to be my short life. Hitler glares at me, to infuriated to speak. Himmler asks me something in German, and subtitles appear in my field of vision saying, "Did you just say... Hail the Jews???" "Yep!" and I slap the cap off of his head. Goering speaks and the subtitles say, "You should have said, 'Heil den Juden.' You must be American."

"Shut up!" Hitler yells at Goering. "You. How dare you say that to us! Don't you know who I am?"
"Yeah, the retarded mustache gave it away."
"Who are you?"

I start to put together that I must be travelling through time. Funny, I seem to recall having a dream about that recently involving work and a naked chick.

"I'm from the future."
Suddenly, Hitler is intrigued. "The future?"
"Yes. I come from the year 2010."
"And what happens in the future?"
"In a nutshell, America and Russia kick your ass, you kill yourself and most of your buddies here are hanged, an angry mob kills Mussolini with their bare hands, and the US nukes Japan, then America and Russia yell and wave atomic weapons at each other until the 1980s when everything is too colorful and over the top ridiculous to worry about that shit anyway, then Russia gives up Communism, people wear flannel and stop bathing in between 1992 and 1995, a few Muslims blow shit up so the US decides to blow up all Muslims that we think look at us funny, the Red Sox win the World Series, people reelect a president that they think is an absolute moron, and after him we elect a black guy. Then angry white people from the trailer park get pissed off and call him a Socialist even though they really want to call him something else. Oh, and since everyone hates you, those who don't like him draw your mustache on his pictures. And everything is made in China, which is run by Communists."
"I don't believe you."
"Here, I'll show you."
There's a flash of light and we're in 2010, Berlin. I throw him a bunch of clothes, a wig, some glasses and make up. He looks like he's homeless, which I find very amusing.

"How do I look?"
"More mustache. Like I said it's a dead give away."
He puts on some make up to make his mustache look longer. He's ready to go explore.

"Go ahead, take a tour around Berlin. I'm sure you'll find it all very interesting."

He leaves the building we're in. Then I decide to leave him there, in today's Germany, for it to be eventually discovered that he's Hitler and get thrown in jail for the crime of being Hitler. Teleporting back to Boston, I think to myself, if I leave Hitler here and don't bring him back, won't that screw up history? Fuck it. I can always bring him back later. Better make my mind up before they hand him over to the Israelis.

My alarms going off. I must have been asleep.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Adios on October 01, 2010, 03:02:18 pm
Loved this one!
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on October 01, 2010, 03:04:09 pm
Loved this one!

Yeah, everyone loves the idea of fucking with Hitler and friends. Guess my subconscious finally indulged me.  :lulz:
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Don Coyote on October 01, 2010, 03:05:07 pm
That was great.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Adios on October 01, 2010, 03:05:33 pm
Loved this one!

Yeah, everyone loves the idea of fucking with Hitler and friends. Guess my subconscious finally indulged me.  :lulz:

There was a lot more that I read into it.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on October 01, 2010, 03:10:57 pm
Loved this one!

Yeah, everyone loves the idea of fucking with Hitler and friends. Guess my subconscious finally indulged me.  :lulz:

There was a lot more that I read into it.

Cool, what was it?
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Adios on October 01, 2010, 03:18:53 pm
Replace Hitler with {insert name}, here is what you did. In spite of being the biggest dick of your time, you altered NOTHING!

ed: sp
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on October 01, 2010, 03:23:57 pm
Replace Hitler with {insert name}, here is what you did. I spite of being the biggest dick of your time, you altered NOTHING!

I like that.  :D
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Adios on October 01, 2010, 03:25:53 pm
Replace Hitler with {insert name}, here is what you did. I spite of being the biggest dick of your time, you altered NOTHING!

I like that.  :D

It's the infallible self importance test. Stick your finger in a glass of water. Remove it. Check for lasting impression.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on October 01, 2010, 03:30:15 pm
Replace Hitler with {insert name}, here is what you did. I spite of being the biggest dick of your time, you altered NOTHING!

I like that.  :D

It's the infallible self importance test. Stick your finger in a glass of water. Remove it. Check for lasting impression.

 :lulz:
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on November 13, 2010, 07:01:27 am
Bump since I haven't had a full interesting dream lately (seriously they've been dull or too vague to share), and plus I'm on a Monty Python kick:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlmGknvr_Pg
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on January 07, 2011, 06:08:58 pm
I'm in a fairly nice house, looking at a pair of speakers with nothing attached to it, and yet music is coming out of it. I marvel at this, when I hear someone go, "Great isn't it?"

I turn around and there is a large bee in the shape of a man standing behind me. I know that this is his house.

Normally I am petrified of bees but for some reason this very large drone, taller than me, did not frighten me. Nor did his massive stinger or huge insectoid mouth.

"They're not attached to anything though."
"Sure they are, look."

Bee man zapped the speakers with a laser and they started to morph into the stereo itself.

"How did you do that?"
"They are in the same place but the stereo is located in the extra dimensions that humans can't perceive."
"Like in string theory?"
"Kind of. The rest of my house is like that too. Great way to save space."

The house was pretty spacious. He zapped again and the couches appeared. We sat down.

"I'm not going to harm you. Bees are built with a lot of design flaws. If I sting you, I die. That's great if you're still a primitive bee defending the hive, but not when you evolve past the hive mentality and start having individuality. Hell, I've never even had sex. Our penises break off after mating. And c'mon, who wants to live without their dick?"
"How do you reproduce then?"
"We jack off into a cup and send it off to the queen."

Makes sense to me.

"Why am I here?"
"I needed to tell you something."
"About extra dimensions?"
"No, that's just something that we bees are more aware of."
"What is it then?"

"You can be a bee man too."

Alarm's going off. I must have been asleep.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Adios on January 07, 2011, 07:54:07 pm
Terri and i had been on the list for quite some time. We had signed up as a tandem, which meant we had to be transplanted at the same time. Even with the amount of brain damage the younger generation sustained coming up with a compatible male and female body was still very much of a challenge.

Then we got the call. We needed to go down right away and sign off on the bodies. We looked them over and they were perfect. They were both in their early 20's, in good shape and attractive. More than we had dared dream.

Since the male was at the most critical point it was decided my brain would be transplanted first. So the two teams of surgeons went to work. At some point the male body for me had had complications and was unusable. The bad news is once they started on a living person there was no way to undo the process.

They called Terri in for an emergency consult and it was decided to place me in the female. Terri wasn't too upset because they expected another male in a day or two and she could be placed in it and we could still be together.

Well, when I woke up to say the least I was very surprised. The normal recovery was 2 weeks but since I had to learn how to use the new equipment it was going to take 3 weeks. Terri has already been placed in the male and was recovering as well.

We learned how to use our new bodies and just enjoying the feeling of youth and being free of pain. Now the bodies of 20 year olds still had urges that we hadn't experienced in a while and things were taking their natural course.

Then things got weird. I was looking at Terris new body and suddenly wasn't sure about this. I could see she had the same feelings looking at me. Well as awkward as it was we decided to go ahead and try.

Once we got past the first steps of kissing and touching the bodies kind of took over on their own.

As Terri entered me I lost all control and the feeling was so incredible intense..........


I woke sweating.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on January 08, 2011, 12:48:09 am
Whoa Charley! That's a winner!
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Adios on January 08, 2011, 03:40:00 pm
Whoa Charley! That's a winner!

I have really considered making this one a short story, because of the weird.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on January 08, 2011, 06:02:16 pm
Whoa Charley! That's a winner!

I have really considered making this one a short story, because of the weird.

Go for it
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Adios on January 09, 2011, 04:38:03 am
I think I will.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on February 28, 2012, 11:29:43 am
I was talking to Peter, my old manager at the liquor store from years ago. We're in a bar in West Roxbury. Odd. Never been in here before. He owns the bar now. He pours me a drink and we start talking. Mentions something about spending $10,000 on something. "Wish I had that kind of money. Must be good business this. How long and how much would it take me to get my bartender's license?" "You don't want to get into this business, Kevin. It's much more fun on the other side of that glass." I nod, shoot down my Jameson. "I'd still like to have the kind of money you have though. It's because you're a Freemason, isn't it?"

And, then, I come out of some strange daze and Villager and I walk through the casino, and we see an open roulette table.

"Roulette's fun, love. I'm going to go an play it."

"Hello sir, how much would you like to put down?"

I reach into my pockets and pull out $10,000. Hmm. Where the hell did I get money like that?

"10k, it looks like. On number 23." Number 23. Of course I would. But why not? The odds are the same for any other number. The wheel spins.

"Number 23 it is. Would you like to go again?"
"No. That was incredibly lucky. I'm going to keep what you give me."
Villager whispers in my ear, "I think this man is the Devil..."
I nod and say, "He is." And I believe it. I am talking to the Prince of Darkness himself.

Some of the other gamblers are patting me on the back and raising their glasses to me. The Devil hands me a whiskey. "Jameson, neat. Just how you like it, I believe." I nod. "How much?" "On the house. That was a good win."

Villager whispers in my ear again, "He's trying to get you drunk so you keep playing and lose all your money." I nod again. I shoot down the Jameson, and put the glass down on the table.

I look at the Devil and said, "I'll see you later."

"Oh, you most certainly will."


I roll over. Sure. 4 am is a good time to get up.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 30, 2012, 01:51:08 am
Bump.

I rarely have notable dreams, but I have to tell you guys about this.

I'm driving the shit out of this miniature BMW on a beach when I lose control of it and violently thump over several iguanas. I open the passenger side door to get a better look at the damageŚit's grisly. Feeling guilty I let the small lizard out of the glovebox, "better luck to you buddy" I say and set him free on the beach. I'm about to drive off when a bipedal crocodile walks up with a hunting spear, jumps into the passenger seat, and says, "Drive motherfucker". So I drive.

He explains that he's been trying to form a union at the supermarket that he worked at. The boss set him and the union organizers up, framed them, in order to fire them. We pull up at the place and he hustles me inside, still at spearpoint. The human union-busters are getting gored by other bipedal crocs all around me, their harpoon guns making horrible metallic clanking noises as they fire, knocking people back 10 feet upon impact, showers of blood spraying everywhere.

In the chaos I escape back to the tiny BMW and start fiddling with a touchscreen marble camera phone when the croc who kidnapped me returns and forces his way into the car. "Let's go," he says. I pocket the marble and peel out of the parking lot. We have a long boring talk along the way, as my kidnapper has gotten comfortable and talkative. Something about back in his day they did things differently. I'm instructed to drive to a mansion and we're stopped in a foyer by some skinny security tards in tuxedos. The croc is explaining something to the poorly armed bastard on duty so I pull out the marble again. This time he notices it and gnashes his teeth at me, preparing to stab me with his spear and I wake up, laughing my ass off.

You all can do the same here. It's not just about my dreams.

Also, about to go back and reread my old ones.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 30, 2012, 01:58:15 am
The phone was ringing. I must have been asleep...

I didn't want to pick up the phone, but when you're groggy you don't really have a lot of sense.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Kevin?"
"mmm, yeah..." I yawned. I sat up in bed and put my glasses on.
"Good morning, sir..." I registered the English accent, with a vague alarm. My father went off to England and I haven't heard from him.
The Englishman continued, "...I'm with the British consulate." My vague alarm subsided.
"Ok"
"We're calling to inform you that due to your recent activities with the IRA, Her Majesty's Government has sentenced you to death by lethal injection, to be carried out at half twelve AM, tomorrow morning. If you do not show, you are subject to arrest."
"Oh, hmmm... well is there anyway we could not do that?"
"Terribly sorry no"
"Oh."
"The execution will take place at the consulate. Do you need directions?"
"No. I can google it."
"Right, try to come 15 minutes early. Have a lovely day."
"You too."
"Thanks."

I hung up the phone and went about my morning routine, half asleep like a zombie. I mentioned off-handedly to my roommates that they would have to find a replacement for me immediately.

Fuck it, I'll take the day off.

As the coffee worked its way in, the import of my morning phone call sunk in. I should probably put my affairs into order. I called my mom and my sisters, told them that I loved them. Called my band to let them know what was up. Called my girlfriend, who also happens to be my band's bassist. Every last one of them asked me, "Well, are you involved with the IRA?"
"No, I just go about my business, you know?"
"I think you should call them back and tell them it was a mistake."
"I already agreed to it. Bastards got me while I was half asleep."
"Well you should call them back, and tell them it was a mistake."
"No, that's too much hassle. Besides, they wouldn't buy it anyway."

I went about my business, as usual. Every so often my impending doom would dawn upon me and I'd choke up and feel a mix of emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness, regret. Whenever this happened, I would make note of the time and say to whoever was present how much time I had to live. Around lunch time this happened. "Twelve hours on the dot and I'm dead!"

It was a comfort mechanism. I'm one of those people who resorts to humor when they can't express themselves otherwise. I wasted the time away, thinking of what I should do for my last hours of life. Nothing really came to me. Too short of a notice.

Evening came, and there wasn't much time left. I went to Dorchester to see my girlfriend one last time, to have dinner and a couple of drinks with her, and have one last roll in the hay. When I met up with her we were talking about it.

"You know this doesn't make any fucking sense. I never did anything to warrant the death penalty, let alone from a foreign government. Why should I put up with this shit? Fuck it, I'm not going. They can come and get me. If I can squeeze in an extra 5 minutes all the better. Assholes probably won't even take notice, since I'm just a piece of paper."

This naturally was fuelled by a combo of whiskey and Guinness. We went back to her place and had that roll in the hay. As we were cuddling in the afterglow, I looked over at the clock, which said 12:35.

I smiled. Then I realized that the UK doesn't have the death penalty anymore.

The phone was ringing. I must have been asleep...

 :lulz:

Wow.

Obviously the girlfriend here is Villager. (yes I've been with her that long)

At the time, my father had moved abruptly to England and we never heard from him until a long time later. It was the same year that Britain was entirely iced over in winter. Turns out that my father was actually homeless at the time (he has a long history of mental illness, which is now under control. I wept when he admitted it to me that he was homeless. I could have lost him and I never would have known. He told me a year and a half after I last heard from him).

I'm glad my father is ok, and that the UK never executed me.  :lulz:
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: N E T on June 30, 2012, 01:59:42 am
Bump.

I rarely have notable dreams, but I have to tell you guys about this.

I'm driving the shit out of this miniature BMW on a beach when I lose control of it and violently thump over several iguanas. I open the passenger side door to get a better look at the damageŚit's grisly. Feeling guilty I let the small lizard out of the glovebox, "better luck to you buddy" I say and set him free on the beach. I'm about to drive off when a bipedal crocodile walks up with a hunting spear, jumps into the passenger seat, and says, "Drive motherfucker". So I drive.

He explains that he's been trying to form a union at the supermarket that he worked at. The boss set him and the union organizers up, framed them, in order to fire them. We pull up at the place and he hustles me inside, still at spearpoint. The human union-busters are getting gored by other bipedal crocs all around me, their harpoon guns making horrible metallic clanking noises as they fire, knocking people back 10 feet upon impact, showers of blood spraying everywhere.

In the chaos I escape back to the tiny BMW and start fiddling with a touchscreen marble camera phone when the croc who kidnapped me returns and forces his way into the car. "Let's go," he says. I pocket the marble and peel out of the parking lot. We have a long boring talk along the way, as my kidnapper has gotten comfortable and talkative. Something about back in his day they did things differently. I'm instructed to drive to a mansion and we're stopped in a foyer by some skinny security tards in tuxedos. The croc is explaining something to the poorly armed bastard on duty so I pull out the marble again. This time he notices it and gnashes his teeth at me, preparing to stab me with his spear and I wake up, laughing my ass off.

You all can do the same here. It's not just about my dreams.

Also, about to go back and reread my old ones.

I wasn't sure where to put it, but I'm honored to be included in your epic dream thread.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 30, 2012, 02:06:09 am
I'm in a strange building, half a sketchy warehouse, half a home. Like someone's secret lab. I don't know how I got here, or where the stick in my hands came from, or what my partner's name is, but I do know that this place has been overrun by Devil-worshippers and there are crazed chimpanzees running around, along with other lab animals. There are empty cages all over the place.

My partner and I are running around, trying to take care not to be bitten by these things as well as find the people we're looking for. For some reason they're important and are our primary objective in being in this place.

After some searching, I hear something from behind a wall of boxes, I knock them down and there they are. A man and a woman, (I know that they are romantically involved with one another) both fairly attractive. This is their place and they were doing some sort of research here. Now they were stripped down to their underwear, gagged and had their hands tied behind their backs, all with shrink-wrap. Their ankles were similarly bound. They were bouncing around, trying to shout through their gags and avoiding a chimp.

I chase the chimp off with my stick, come back and notice that on the desk is a baphomet surrounded by inverted crosses separating the individual digits of 666, along with the slogan, "Hail Satan!", scrawled in an adolescent hand, similar to my own attempts at defacing school property many years ago.

I take the stick and use it to remove the plastic from her ankles and wrists, saying, "here, you can get the gag, and set him loose too." I didn't want to spend too much time leaving myself open by freeing both of them. I've seen enough movies to know better.

"Oh thank you so much! I prayed and prayed that someone would come and save us!" she sputtered, "Praise Jesus! Amen!"
"All in a day's work ma'am." I looked at the desk and added with a mischievous grin and not a little fire in my eyes, "Hail Satan!"
I think I meant it too.

Everything must have happened very fast after that. The next thing I knew, they had gotten dressed, and the secret lab was secured and the animals all back in their cages. The Devil worshippers in question were long gone.

She was recording a vlog for her YouTube channel. Kinda weird for someone running a secret lab when you think about it. She also looked pretty cute with her glasses back on.

"...my boyfriend and I neutered and spayed our monkeys, but I guess we only half worked on him. Because he came after me with purpose and I was going to get it if not for our heroes..." gesturing to me and my partner, while we were poking through their cool lab stuff. She continued into the camera "I was trying to tell the chimp he didn't want any of that. Because I have herpes. Every so often I get festering sores all over my vagina. Herpes. Even if it wasn't contagious you wouldn't want to touch my itching, burning, scabby genitals." Okay, that took a turn for the fucking weird. This was getting to be too much. Talking a chimp out of raping you by graphically describing your herpes to him isn't going to work, and I don't see the point in sharing that info with YouTube. She continued, "You don't want my vagina scabs on your monkey penis. That's not hot!"

I turned from a book I pulled off their shelf and had been skimming through. I saw myself from across the room. Apparently, I am being played by 1990s David Duchovny. And it's one of those bad haircut episodes. But hey, at least I have a nice ensemble. Too bad my partner isn't Gillian Anderson. Come to think of it, I'm having trouble seeing his face. I/David have that mischievous grin again, turn to her and retort, "What are you talking about? Herpes are shmexy! I know I'm turned on right now from that description."

"Kevin, it's 8 o'clock"
"Hmm?"
"It's 8 o'clock, you wanted me to make sure that you woke up at 8."

I was asleep, what the fuck was that?

"Cool, thanks"
"Did Matt come home last night?"
"Yep, yes he did..."
Cue 15 minute half asleep to fully awake conversation.

I need to stop going to bed so late.

 :lulz:

Holy shit!

The person who woke me up was my ex, who was awkwardly my roommate at the time.

This is some fun archaeology!
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 30, 2012, 02:06:48 am
Bump.

I rarely have notable dreams, but I have to tell you guys about this.

I'm driving the shit out of this miniature BMW on a beach when I lose control of it and violently thump over several iguanas. I open the passenger side door to get a better look at the damageŚit's grisly. Feeling guilty I let the small lizard out of the glovebox, "better luck to you buddy" I say and set him free on the beach. I'm about to drive off when a bipedal crocodile walks up with a hunting spear, jumps into the passenger seat, and says, "Drive motherfucker". So I drive.

He explains that he's been trying to form a union at the supermarket that he worked at. The boss set him and the union organizers up, framed them, in order to fire them. We pull up at the place and he hustles me inside, still at spearpoint. The human union-busters are getting gored by other bipedal crocs all around me, their harpoon guns making horrible metallic clanking noises as they fire, knocking people back 10 feet upon impact, showers of blood spraying everywhere.

In the chaos I escape back to the tiny BMW and start fiddling with a touchscreen marble camera phone when the croc who kidnapped me returns and forces his way into the car. "Let's go," he says. I pocket the marble and peel out of the parking lot. We have a long boring talk along the way, as my kidnapper has gotten comfortable and talkative. Something about back in his day they did things differently. I'm instructed to drive to a mansion and we're stopped in a foyer by some skinny security tards in tuxedos. The croc is explaining something to the poorly armed bastard on duty so I pull out the marble again. This time he notices it and gnashes his teeth at me, preparing to stab me with his spear and I wake up, laughing my ass off.

You all can do the same here. It's not just about my dreams.

Also, about to go back and reread my old ones.

I wasn't sure where to put it, but I'm honored to be included in your epic dream thread.

I didn't think it epic at the time, but damn.

I need to get back on this.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 30, 2012, 02:15:36 am
I'm at work. The lay out is kinda weird though. It doesn't look like work at all. I'm in a room with a sliding glass door, looking through files, busily looking for something... What am I looking for? I guess I'll know it when I see it. I'm going to be doing this for a long time.

A female employee walks in from the hallway, into the dimly lit ajoining room. She's overweight, but not fat, kinda hot actually. I've never seen her here before. She flashes me her breasts, smiles and proceeds to strip down entirely. As I'm looking, I remember that I have a girlfriend. Before I can tell her to put her clothes back on I see Dr. S, my boss in my previous position, coming down the hall. He gets to the door and the girl has just finished putting her shirt back on.

Dr. S looks at me. Suddenly he's very tall, even though I know that he is shorter than me (if you can believe that). The disappointment on his face draws my attention away from his huge mustache. "This is highly inappropriate," is all he says, and goes into a side door in the dimly lit room. "Mark!" [name intentionally changed] I call after him, trying to explain that I didn't do anything. "Mark!" The door closes.

The woman and I wait in the dimly lit room, waiting for him to come back. She's upset that she's going to lose her job. I'm trying to think of ways to keep my own and possibly save hers. I get the sense that sudden nudity aside, she's really a decent person. Insinctively though, I know there's nothing I can do, and she's going to have to get the axe.

A lot of time passes, and I go back into the file room. Mark comes out of the side room. He's aged considerably. "You're making too much noise." And closes the sliding door. "Mark, let me explain about..." he shakes his head and goes back into the room. I go back to the files. He comes out again and he's considerably younger. "You're going to wake the baby." "Mark, I need to talk to you." He returns to the room. I wait by the door. "Mark, come on man, talk to me!" He comes back out with a baby. "You've woken up Antoine. Who the hell are you anyway?" "Dr. S, you know who I am!" "I'm not a Doctor, I'm a police officer." I suddenly realize that I've been travelling through time, and I tell him this. "I know you as Dr. S, several years from now."
The thing is, Dr. S was never a cop, and never had a kid named Antoine. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

The next day, I was at a barbecue. Dr. S happened to be there also. I walked up to him. "Mark, did you have a really weird dream last night?" He looks at me kinda shocked, and says "Yes." "Did it involve time travel?" "Uh, yes..." Then he looks uncomfortable and quickly moves to talk to someone else.

I open my eyes, and I'm lying down on the couch. Last thing I remember was watching Jon Stewart.

I must have been asleep.

The only people on this board aside from me who knows who Dr. S is is Nigel (since she now has a good chunk of my work info) and Villager.

Picture that, Nigel!
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 30, 2012, 02:32:53 am
I'm in a fairly nice house, looking at a pair of speakers with nothing attached to it, and yet music is coming out of it. I marvel at this, when I hear someone go, "Great isn't it?"

I turn around and there is a large bee in the shape of a man standing behind me. I know that this is his house.

Normally I am petrified of bees but for some reason this very large drone, taller than me, did not frighten me. Nor did his massive stinger or huge insectoid mouth.

"They're not attached to anything though."
"Sure they are, look."

Bee man zapped the speakers with a laser and they started to morph into the stereo itself.

"How did you do that?"
"They are in the same place but the stereo is located in the extra dimensions that humans can't perceive."
"Like in string theory?"
"Kind of. The rest of my house is like that too. Great way to save space."

The house was pretty spacious. He zapped again and the couches appeared. We sat down.

"I'm not going to harm you. Bees are built with a lot of design flaws. If I sting you, I die. That's great if you're still a primitive bee defending the hive, but not when you evolve past the hive mentality and start having individuality. Hell, I've never even had sex. Our penises break off after mating. And c'mon, who wants to live without their dick?"
"How do you reproduce then?"
"We jack off into a cup and send it off to the queen."

Makes sense to me.

"Why am I here?"
"I needed to tell you something."
"About extra dimensions?"
"No, that's just something that we bees are more aware of."
"What is it then?"

"You can be a bee man too."

Alarm's going off. I must have been asleep.

Holy fuck... me being a bee man.

Also, this "house" is similar to an MIT frat apartment I once visited.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 30, 2012, 02:36:48 am
I was talking to Peter, my old manager at the liquor store from years ago. We're in a bar in West Roxbury. Odd. Never been in here before. He owns the bar now. He pours me a drink and we start talking. Mentions something about spending $10,000 on something. "Wish I had that kind of money. Must be good business this. How long and how much would it take me to get my bartender's license?" "You don't want to get into this business, Kevin. It's much more fun on the other side of that glass." I nod, shoot down my Jameson. "I'd still like to have the kind of money you have though. It's because you're a Freemason, isn't it?"

And, then, I come out of some strange daze and Villager and I walk through the casino, and we see an open roulette table.

"Roulette's fun, love. I'm going to go an play it."

"Hello sir, how much would you like to put down?"

I reach into my pockets and pull out $10,000. Hmm. Where the hell did I get money like that?

"10k, it looks like. On number 23." Number 23. Of course I would. But why not? The odds are the same for any other number. The wheel spins.

"Number 23 it is. Would you like to go again?"
"No. That was incredibly lucky. I'm going to keep what you give me."
Villager whispers in my ear, "I think this man is the Devil..."
I nod and say, "He is." And I believe it. I am talking to the Prince of Darkness himself.

Some of the other gamblers are patting me on the back and raising their glasses to me. The Devil hands me a whiskey. "Jameson, neat. Just how you like it, I believe." I nod. "How much?" "On the house. That was a good win."

Villager whispers in my ear again, "He's trying to get you drunk so you keep playing and lose all your money." I nod again. I shoot down the Jameson, and put the glass down on the table.

I look at the Devil and said, "I'll see you later."

"Oh, you most certainly will."


I roll over. Sure. 4 am is a good time to get up.

Ah yes. I remember this one too. I was a bit spooked when I woke up.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 30, 2012, 06:10:20 pm
Last nights dream starred Alty. However I don't remember any of it. This is the first night all week I slept through the whole night. I'm still tired too.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on November 01, 2013, 06:17:56 am
Dr. KP came up to me. KP is about my age. She was one of Dr. S's post-docs. Had a bit of a crush on her. But then again, I had a crush on most of Dr S's post docs... particularly JS the Statistician. But that's unimportant. KP looks like she has something serious to talk about.

"Kev, you should talk to SH.."
"Why?"
"Welll.... maybe you should go up to the 5th floor."

Oh. The 5th floor. Main reception when you get off the elevator. The only floor accessible without a keycard. The brains. The spot where a few friends and acquaintances are, and at least one joke about the time I played an unexpected 3 hour solo set in Salem still floats around.

I don't know this person.

"Kev, I have some bad news."
"Heh. Yeah, let me go talk to my supervisor. Later."

I go back down to the third floor, where I work. I tap my supervisor, a fellow Discordian, of a fairly Erisian persuasion, and a friend on the shoulder and I ask her if we can go out for a smoke. She gives me a wincey smile. We walk to the elevator and get on. She knows that I'm on a bit of a spiritual journey, though, I haven't told her that I have temporarily recently adopted her ancestral religion. I'm tempted to ask her more about Judaism, but I don't actually know how involved she is, if at all. And well, really, this is more about the informality.

We sit on the bench in front of the art college, where she and I usually smoke together.

"I hate to tell you this, but..."
"I'm laid off."
"Yes."
"Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do now?"
"I wish I could tell you."
"Why me? I've been working here for 13 years."
"Well, the reason for that is because you've worked here for 13 years, you're the highest paid per hour."
"And I'm scheduled at the minimum 20 hours. Which means I make less than everyone else."
"I know. It doesn't make a lot of sense."
"You're right. It doesn't."

I must've been half asleep.

"SH, I think that I'm asleep."
"You're not."
"This doesn't make sense. Even less sense than expected."
"You're awake. This is real."
"I'm having my doubts."
"Does this hurt?"

SH pinched me hard.

"OWWW!!! Yeah, that hurt! But I'm still not convinced. There's only one way to prove it."

I begin to stare at the glass bowl in front of me. (Hey, where did this glass bowl come from?)

"Are you trying telekinesis?"
"Yes."
"You're awake. This is real. It's not going to work."

I strain. I hope. Goddamnit how is telekinesis done anyway?

MOVE YOU FUCKER!!!!

The bowl went flying. Into JS the Statistician's boob. Whoops....

"Sorry about that!"
"I thought I was real."
"I'm pretty sure you're real. At any rate I know you in real life. Don't know about anyone else, since they mostly seem like background characters. I know them in real life too, but they don't seem to be interacting with us. Maybe we're stuck in the same dream?"

Then we're both back on the third floor, but it's dark, and chaotic, and all of the post-docs and principal investigators are getting manic and psychotic. They're tearing the place up. I turn to SH and say, "Either way, I think we need to get out of here."

I roll over. My alarm hasn't gone off yet. Maybe it doesn't have to. Did I get laid off or not?

I must have been asleep.

:alarm goes off:

So... do I have to get up or not? I can't remember. I must have just woken up.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on November 01, 2013, 07:29:50 am
Fucking hell. Reread all of these. Half the time I'd read the first several sentences and go, "the fuck..." and the remember the rest of the dream, but not all of it.

Like the warehouse dream. I remembered I was David Duchovny and there were chimpanzees, but the herpes were entirely forgotten.

Damn. The human brain is a weird ass place.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on November 01, 2013, 07:43:02 am
I had a particularly funny one that I shared with Villager about a year ago (so it's going to be vaguely remembered and brief).

But, I had a dream about this one former coworker who just showed up and really really wanted to do me. And I was like, "you're really hot and I would love to, but I can't." "Why not?" "I.... I don't know. I'm not supposed to have sex with you though." "Are you sure?" "Yes. Unfortunately. Can't put my finger on why, I just know I'm not supposed to." "Well... that's disappointing." "You're telling me. I just know I can't have sex with you. No idea why. But there's a really good reason for it." "Ok." and she goes away and I go dammit. Then I roll over, open my eyes and see the back of Villager's head and go, "Oh, right... that's why I caaaaIWASFUCKINGDREAMINGANDTOTALLYCOULDGOBACKGOBA CKGOBACK!!!!!!"

Didn't happen. Villager got a huge kick out of it though.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on November 01, 2013, 12:47:02 pm
Your brain is a JERK  :lulz:
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on November 01, 2013, 03:51:13 pm
Your brain is a JERK  :lulz:

 :lulz:

It's kind of a weird head to sleep in.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 05, 2014, 02:42:46 pm
Bump for later
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 06, 2014, 12:15:12 am
I was in the house I grew up in, in the attic, midsister's old room. But it's where I live now, I live in the attic. I'm with my friend Chris. We're drinking and there's a party going on on the lower floors. Chris and I are hanging out up here so we can catch up. He goes to light a smoke, opens the window and leans out. This is making me nervous, so I turn away and try to tell him to come back in. Except that I can't. I'm suddenly unable to express words, and I sound like some sort of grunting protohuman with no verbal language. He takes this to mean that he should go out the window entirely and take a ladder up to the roof, which freaks me out more.

The landlady pulls up and parks. She's going to freak out. She does, and chases the party goers away and comes up to Chris and starts shouting at him in Portuguese. Chris, somehow, starts shouting back to her in Portuguese, she starts to chase him off too, and the only thing I can say is no. I'm trying to explain to her who he is. We get down to the road, and he drives off and she goes back into the house.

I smell something burning, like mulch on fire. Chris must have flicked his cigarette. I find an ember and spit on it to put it out, but the smell continues. I see more embers, so I spit on them too. This does not work. It makes the ember increase into a small puddle of lava. My curiosity is piqued and despite all logic telling me not to, I touch the lava, quickly. It's hot, so I pull my hand away before I'm injured. More lava bubbles up, and I step away. But now my hand is burning. I look down, and lava is spreading on my hand too. I start spitting on my hand to put it out, and rub my hand on my pants. This seems to work but now my leg is burning, and the lava is eating its way across my calf to the otherside. I freak out, thinking that I'm going to burn away, but that's not what's happening. Something different is going on. Something is changing in me. The lava disappears, my leg and hand are fine, but there is something different about me now.

I go inside, and my landlady starts hitting on me. I know now what has happened. My soul has burned away, and I am one of the Devil's agents. All will find me irresistible, because I need that in my arsenal to lead people astray. I tell my landlady to stay put, and I leave the room. And there stands the Devil. Good looking guy. Well dressed, young. Actually, you'd probably not know he was the Devil at first glance, unless you were one of the damned. He and I converse, all the while, I try to find a way to get myself out of this jam. I don't want to be a Satanist. Though, I suppose it settles whatever religious doubts I had prior to tonight. The thing is, I kinda like the Devil. He doesn't seem that bad. He's charming, and kinda funny. He does in fact seem very misunderstood. I find myself considering myself his friend. Time stopped having meaning at this point. In the space of a few mortal seconds, weeks had passed from my perspective. Demonic Standard Time, I suppose.

A remnant of my humanity manages reassert itself, and I start to chase him off. He finds it amusing and starts laughing. It's not a maniacal laugh or an evil laugh, but the laugh of a close friend thinking you're having a bit of fun. But it is working. He begins retreating. I muster up a bit of strength to begin a prayer. He's still finding this playful, and in that moment it seems like the Devil really doesn't fully understand who he is. He really does think this is all some sort of fun cosmic game. He's... childlike. The prayer gets caught, like how I forgot how to speak earlier. I switch to Hebrew, "baruch ata Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha-Olam..." and the Devil turns into a pigeon. I'm human again. A shout, "Get outta here!" and stomp in a manner that would frighten a pigeon, and the Devil flew out the door.

I jump up to a start, realizing that I must have been asleep, but there's saliva on my pillow, like I had been spitting.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: N E T on June 06, 2014, 02:00:33 am
Hey that reminds me! I still have that copy of Roger's comic if you have changed your mind about my offer.

It's just a pair of very official-looking certificates that you'd sign with an included calligraphy pen in blood of course, that's all.

I tell you what, if I resell your soul I'll even give you 23% of the proceeds.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 06, 2014, 02:05:07 am
Hey that reminds me! I still have that copy of Roger's comic if you have changed your mind about my offer.

It's just a pair of very official-looking certificates that you'd sign with an included calligraphy pen in blood of course, that's all.

I tell you what, if I resell your soul I'll even give you 23% of the proceeds.

Does it have to be my blood?
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 06, 2014, 05:09:11 am
My subconscious seems to have a thing about Satan, incidentally. That probably bears reflection.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 06, 2014, 05:15:50 am
Judging from my dreams, spaced though they are, toggling between sympathy (and maybe even admiration) and revulsion for a complex psychological symbol, that, due to its cultural (and sub-cultural, as both a former Catholic and a Metalhead) baggage is probably impossible to suss out completely.
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: N E T on June 06, 2014, 07:25:00 am
Hey that reminds me! I still have that copy of Roger's comic if you have changed your mind about my offer.

It's just a pair of very official-looking certificates that you'd sign with an included calligraphy pen in blood of course, that's all.

I tell you what, if I resell your soul I'll even give you 23% of the proceeds.

Does it have to be my blood?

Yes.

You'd probably want to let it dry and then iron it to sterilize it for the mail.

How about you get a 23% cut for every resale of your soul for perpetuity?
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on June 06, 2014, 07:33:16 am
Hey that reminds me! I still have that copy of Roger's comic if you have changed your mind about my offer.

It's just a pair of very official-looking certificates that you'd sign with an included calligraphy pen in blood of course, that's all.

I tell you what, if I resell your soul I'll even give you 23% of the proceeds.

Does it have to be my blood?

Yes.

You'd probably want to let it dry and then iron it to sterilize it for the mail.

How about you get a 23% cut for every resale of your soul for perpetuity?

Lava?
Title: Re: Half Asleep
Post by: N E T on June 06, 2014, 07:50:52 am
Hey that reminds me! I still have that copy of Roger's comic if you have changed your mind about my offer.

It's just a pair of very official-looking certificates that you'd sign with an included calligraphy pen in blood of course, that's all.

I tell you what, if I resell your soul I'll even give you 23% of the proceeds.

Does it have to be my blood?

Yes.

You'd probably want to let it dry and then iron it to sterilize it for the mail.

How about you get a 23% cut for every resale of your soul for perpetuity?

Lava?

I can custom design a lava motif into the certificate.

What's a little spooky though, is that I've always really liked pigeons for no particular reason...