Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Principia Discussion => Topic started by: Nebuchadnezzar Capon on February 24, 2014, 05:45:20 pm

Title: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Nebuchadnezzar Capon on February 24, 2014, 05:45:20 pm
Greetings,

I have been around for a very long time, but I'm new around here.

I am seeking 4 Discordians on terra firma --- one on each of the following 4 continents --- to experience a mind-altering new concept record:

- North America (unavailable at present)
- South America - participant required
- Europe - participant required
- Africa (unavailable at present)
- Asia - participant required
- Australia - participant required
- Antarctica (unavailable at present)

The work is presented in physical form: a pack comprising a CD and a Listeners' Guide, which will be dispatched at no charge via the inter-continental postal system.

So if you are in South America, Europe, Asia or Australia and feel the urge to participate, send me a PM now. (If more than one person gets in touch from the same continent, the record will be dispatched to the person who gets in touch first, or perhaps last).

Thank you for your time; it's running out.

Nebuchadnezzar Capon
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 24, 2014, 05:52:27 pm
Time ran out a long time ago.  That's why there's so much "retro" shit.  We're recycling.  Hell, even the movies are all about your granddad's superhero comics.  Clothing styles are taken from 1960, and all the cars are Edsels.

Personally, I fled to 1979.  Nigel says that's a bad idea, but you and I both know that The Future is bad for you.  So I'm shaking my ass to Abba and Gloria Gaynor, and those people who feel that they MUST live in 2014 can scream all they like as they're led off to the camps.  I'm playing Pong, and I can't hear them.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 24, 2014, 05:59:52 pm
Pshhhhht don't listen to Roger.

I'm waiting for you here in the future, and it's just fine.

Be careful about that guy Hirley0 though, he's been  places and things tend to get a little wavy around the edges when he's nearby, if you know what I mean. He'll wormhole the place up if you give him half a chance, and next thing you know one ear will be listening to Milli Vanilli while half your body jerks to Gloria Gaynor and half of Roger is freaking you while the other half sits back and laughs and laughs.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 24, 2014, 06:02:35 pm
Pshhhhht don't listen to Roger.

I'm waiting for you here in the future, and it's just fine.

Be careful about that guy Hirley0 though, he's been  places and things tend to get a little wavy around the edges when he's nearby, if you know what I mean. He'll wormhole the place up if you give him half a chance, and next thing you know one ear will be listening to Milli Vanilli while half your body jerks to Gloria Gaynor and half of Roger is freaking you while the other half sits back and laughs and laughs.

Nigel is here to punish The Future, because it's been bad and it won't HUSH and SIT DOWN.

But I would totally freak him.  I would freak him wearing the harness I made for Freaky's little dog.  The one we tested on the midget.  The shock harness, you know what I mean.  There's no time left.  The hourglass is empty...But my love for new people is not.  It is a truck.  A great big truck, driven by some fuckwit with too much back hair and a BAD ATTITUDE.  In short, me.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 24, 2014, 06:04:26 pm
Pshhhhht don't listen to Roger.

I'm waiting for you here in the future, and it's just fine.

Be careful about that guy Hirley0 though, he's been  places and things tend to get a little wavy around the edges when he's nearby, if you know what I mean. He'll wormhole the place up if you give him half a chance, and next thing you know one ear will be listening to Milli Vanilli while half your body jerks to Gloria Gaynor and half of Roger is freaking you while the other half sits back and laughs and laughs.

Nigel is here to punish The Future, because it's been bad and it won't HUSH and SIT DOWN.

But I would totally freak him.  I would freak him wearing the harness I made for Freaky's little dog.  The one we tested on the midget.  The shock harness, you know what I mean.  There's no time left.  The hourglass is empty...But my love for new people is not.  It is a truck.  A great big truck, driven by some fuckwit with too much back hair and a BAD ATTITUDE.  In short, me.

Well, as long as you keep all that scary shit like love and back hair in 1979, we're cool. I have things to do here in the Future, people to skin, bridges to fluff, that kind of thing.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 24, 2014, 06:10:04 pm
Well, as long as you keep all that scary shit like love and back hair in 1979, we're cool. I have things to do here in the Future, people to skin, bridges to fluff, that kind of thing.

See what I mean?

1979 is love.  It's loving so much that you don't take The Bay City Rollers and stuff them in a sack with some sand weasels and throw them down Davidson Canyon.  And then throw a case of dynamite after them.  And then moonwalk over the smoking remains like Mothra.

1979 is FABULOUS.  It's wide collars and flare pants and disco balls.  It's the music blasting so loud and so much cocaine up your face that you can hardly hear the junkie Vietnam vets crying in the alley out back.  It's COOL cars and drag races and get me out of here I can't stand it and girls with poofy haircuts and men all dressed like Andy Gibb.

1979 is The Sugar Hill Gang and All in the Family on rerun.

It's everything you ever wanted but forgot how to get.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 24, 2014, 06:38:52 pm
Well, as long as you keep all that scary shit like love and back hair in 1979, we're cool. I have things to do here in the Future, people to skin, bridges to fluff, that kind of thing.

See what I mean?

1979 is love.  It's loving so much that you don't take The Bay City Rollers and stuff them in a sack with some sand weasels and throw them down Davidson Canyon.  And then throw a case of dynamite after them.  And then moonwalk over the smoking remains like Mothra.

1979 is FABULOUS.  It's wide collars and flare pants and disco balls.  It's the music blasting so loud and so much cocaine up your face that you can hardly hear the junkie Vietnam vets crying in the alley out back.  It's COOL cars and drag races and get me out of here I can't stand it and girls with poofy haircuts and men all dressed like Andy Gibb.

1979 is The Sugar Hill Gang and All in the Family on rerun.

It's everything you ever wanted but forgot how to get.

Oh, you would LOVE the Future. Here, everybody's nostalgic for all that shit, but they've totally forgotten how to DO it, so they dress up in thrift store rags and fake it as best they can, their eyes fixed in a hollow stare and their limbs jerking mechanically while the sweat of desperation pours off them and the lights spin faster and faster and faster until they wake up half-dangling from the Broadway Bridge, gagging and spitting up the remains of their kimchi quesadilla, saying please, please, Mommy please while the tears leak uncontrollably down to the tip of their nose and drip into the wind.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 24, 2014, 06:40:21 pm
I'm just saying I love it, is all.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 24, 2014, 06:41:49 pm
Well, as long as you keep all that scary shit like love and back hair in 1979, we're cool. I have things to do here in the Future, people to skin, bridges to fluff, that kind of thing.

See what I mean?

1979 is love.  It's loving so much that you don't take The Bay City Rollers and stuff them in a sack with some sand weasels and throw them down Davidson Canyon.  And then throw a case of dynamite after them.  And then moonwalk over the smoking remains like Mothra.

1979 is FABULOUS.  It's wide collars and flare pants and disco balls.  It's the music blasting so loud and so much cocaine up your face that you can hardly hear the junkie Vietnam vets crying in the alley out back.  It's COOL cars and drag races and get me out of here I can't stand it and girls with poofy haircuts and men all dressed like Andy Gibb.

1979 is The Sugar Hill Gang and All in the Family on rerun.

It's everything you ever wanted but forgot how to get.

Oh, you would LOVE the Future. Here, everybody's nostalgic for all that shit, but they've totally forgotten how to DO it, so they dress up in thrift store rags and fake it as best they can, their eyes fixed in a hollow stare and their limbs jerking mechanically while the sweat of desperation pours off them and the lights spin faster and faster and faster until they wake up half-dangling from the Broadway Bridge, gagging and spitting put the remains of their kimchi quesadilla, saying please, please, Mommy please while the tears leak uncontrollably down to the tip of their nose and drip into the wind.

Actually, that sounds remarkably like 1979.  Waiting for days to get into the club (only the sexy people please) where you can snort coke until it rinses away that troubling personality you had, then waking up with a needle in your arm in a filthy bed with someone you don't even recognize by face, let alone name, with the herpes boogalooing up and down your spinal column and your face prematurely lined.

It's great.  It's everything I ever demanded.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 24, 2014, 06:44:26 pm
Well, as long as you keep all that scary shit like love and back hair in 1979, we're cool. I have things to do here in the Future, people to skin, bridges to fluff, that kind of thing.

See what I mean?

1979 is love.  It's loving so much that you don't take The Bay City Rollers and stuff them in a sack with some sand weasels and throw them down Davidson Canyon.  And then throw a case of dynamite after them.  And then moonwalk over the smoking remains like Mothra.

1979 is FABULOUS.  It's wide collars and flare pants and disco balls.  It's the music blasting so loud and so much cocaine up your face that you can hardly hear the junkie Vietnam vets crying in the alley out back.  It's COOL cars and drag races and get me out of here I can't stand it and girls with poofy haircuts and men all dressed like Andy Gibb.

1979 is The Sugar Hill Gang and All in the Family on rerun.

It's everything you ever wanted but forgot how to get.

Oh, you would LOVE the Future. Here, everybody's nostalgic for all that shit, but they've totally forgotten how to DO it, so they dress up in thrift store rags and fake it as best they can, their eyes fixed in a hollow stare and their limbs jerking mechanically while the sweat of desperation pours off them and the lights spin faster and faster and faster until they wake up half-dangling from the Broadway Bridge, gagging and spitting put the remains of their kimchi quesadilla, saying please, please, Mommy please while the tears leak uncontrollably down to the tip of their nose and drip into the wind.

Actually, that sounds remarkably like 1979.  Waiting for days to get into the club (only the sexy people please) where you can snort coke until it rinses away that troubling personality you had, then waking up with a needle in your arm in a filthy bed with someone you don't even recognize by face, let alone name, with the herpes boogalooing up and down your spinal column and your face prematurely lined.

It's great.  It's everything I ever demanded.

It sounds like the one thing 1979 really has in common with the Future is that they're both more fun than you really wanted.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 24, 2014, 06:48:48 pm
It sounds like the one thing 1979 really has in common with the Future is that they're both more fun than you really wanted.

Well, it's like a dog eating meat...They'll eat and eat until they DIE, if you let them.  Same thing goes for fun.  You can jam it up your sinus cavities until your heart explodes out your ass like Evel Kneivel on a rocket sled, if you want.

And most people want.  All that Portland and Providence and Tucson ever gave anyone was what they yelled and hollered for...Doesn't matter which year.

The difference is that The Future wants to say "HI, THERE!" whether or not you want to meet it.  1979 waits for YOU to come to IT.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 26, 2014, 03:53:36 pm
See, THIS point in time may seem like a bad sci-fi story, with Nigel's dirty love eclipsing any hope of redemption, there's no victory, no glory, none of that stuff.  Just Nigel rubbing up against you in a way that SHOULDN'T be sexy, but IS.  But it's the wrong kind of sexy, and you feel all filthy even trying to FORGET that it ever happened!

Don't even bother.  You can't forget.  You can smash your brain flat with booze or pills or that new drug you take online.  It doesn't help.  Now you're traumatized AND you're fucked up.

But it doesn't stop there.  If only it would!  Because next come ECH and LMNO, doing that dance, you know the one.  And while they dance on your head & torso, Twid comes out jabbering and chittering in the Irish "language" and steals your credit cards.

The Future™:  NOT on your side.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 26, 2014, 03:58:39 pm
And sometimes The Future™ can be a whole LOT like a sci-fi story.  Nobody's heard from Pixie or Payne since the Nessie stories, and thus we don't even TALK about visiting Southampton anymore.  And we stay away from the storm drains here in Tucson.  Yes.  We haven't got big enough sewers for Nessies, but sometimes the utility workers get drunk and sob about dead babies oozing and slithering around in the pipes.  But then we beat the utility geeks across the neck until they shut up, til they shut their stupid mouths, because who wants to hear THAT sort of shit on a nice night in 1979, when love is in the air and the music is playing?
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 26, 2014, 04:04:30 pm
The Future™, it seems, is built the same way the past was...On gigantic stacks of bones.  Those used to be Native American bones, and the bones of Black people and Chinese people and so on.  In this Future™, though, we are far more egilitarian.  Any old bones will do.  Yours, for example.  Or mine.  Or your kids, off to some horrible foreign war, or that nice old man down the street that was taken away in a government van, and nobody will say why.

Because - and this is the important part - Nigel lies.  This isn't the future!  It's some horrible facsimile of the future that They built around you while you were sleeping.  The Future™ is bullshit.  It never happened, and I hope it never does.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Suu on February 26, 2014, 04:17:48 pm
In the Future™, there is no central government. All citizens are required to report to their designated corporation upon successful completion of their educational program as planned upon their birth by said corporation. You have one purpose, citizen: To work. To create profit. To live. In that order. There is no living in the Future™ until you work, and no living unless through that work, you create a profit for your Corporation. Through profit, you gain the right to vote, to own property, to be successfully nourished and provided for. There are no rights if you are not willing to earn them, so sayeth the Corporation. Don't even try to quit your job, or get another one, to be Unemployed is a fate worse than death in the Future™. Just keep working, citizen, it's for the greater good for everyone.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 26, 2014, 04:28:39 pm
Here in 1979, our cops are all Starsky & Hutch types, driving muscle cars and being all hard-edged.  In The Future™, the cops all sit and tremble while they sob into their whiskey.  "I don't get paid enough for this", they say to themselves, "Nobody does."  They try to smoke a cigarette, but their hands are shaking too much, so they give up and just stare at the TV screen, while Concrete Blond sings Joey.  And then they usually throw up.

Back in 1979, they're too busy sexing the dispatch crew.  The Horror hasn't yet had time to gel.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Eater of Clowns on February 26, 2014, 04:39:18 pm
The Future? Yeah I remember it. Came and went like any other day. See the problem was they put a date on it and they said "Here." "Right here that's the spot. That's The Future." So the rest of us took the slow path to the promised land and found out the hard way it's the same goddamn thing as the past. That's how I came to find out it ain't no fucking time, it's a beast, a great big mother of a beast that sneaks up on you from the front. It'll take a swipe every now and then and leave a scar but it'll never kill. That's not what it does. It doesn't kill. It just bleeds you from a thousand wounds, scratches at you until you, the flayed man, meet oblivion.

Ain't afraid of it, though. Can't bring myself to be. It's like a child. No idea what it's doing, just doing its nature, doesn't mean you any harm.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 26, 2014, 04:45:04 pm
The Future might not intend harm, but Nigel DOES, and when it comes right down to the nut-cutting, IS THERE ANY DIFFERENCE?  No.  Why do you think all the prophets were killed?  Because they eventually looked far enough into the future and saw the Skinsaw Queen, and when they told people about it, they just reacted.  They didn't mean to...It was a kneejerk thing.

This is why I always rip the last two months off of my calendar & desk blotter.  So I won't flip the page on the last day of November and THERE SHE IS, SMILING AND TRYING TO LOOK HARMLESS.  But I am a Holy Man™, and I am not fooled.  I know the face of DEGENERACY when I see it.  Also, the extra 3 rows of teeth kinda give it away.

I'm on fire, man, I'm on FIRE, but I can't "stop, drop, & roll" because she is in the future and she will therefore see the tapes and see that I stopped dancing for a minute.  And you know what THAT means.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

And I have become very attached to ALL of the layers of my skin, and I want to keep them.  Keep them safe, back here in the Carter presidency.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 26, 2014, 04:49:10 pm
The Future™ is warm, guys, and the water is fine, just a little higher than it used to be. Come on in! Settle in with a gluten-free beer and the cricket basket. It's not so bad, especially since the government got wise and crowdsourced surveillance.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 26, 2014, 04:54:01 pm
The Future™ is warm, guys, and the water is fine, just a little higher than it used to be. Come on in! Settle in with a gluten-free beer and the cricket basket. It's not so bad, especially since the government got wise and crowdsourced surveillance.

Everyone with a phone is a camera for the government.  Every protestor is a plant.

This is why, as gross as it sounds, we in Tucson paint patterns on our windows with blood & semen, to keep Nigel's flappers away.  They come down the street in their lace-up boots and their bobbed hair and their Betty Boop hats, with their iPods out and aimed at the foolish and the slow.

And those unfortunates are almost never seen again, and their families vanish as well.  The few that do come back have the blood on their faces and they never talk about what happened to them in those camps.  In fact, they never talk at all.  They just keep their heads down and DO THEIR JOBS. 

"LOOK, I'M DOING WHAT I'M TOLD!", they'd scream, if they ever did say anything.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 26, 2014, 05:11:04 pm
LMNO never meant to be the Hero of the Beach.  He was just sick and tired of that big bastard kicking sand in his face, trying to impress Mrs LMNO.  Then one day, he was looking at the ads on the back of a comic book, and there was this one from Eater of Clowns.  "Gamble a Stamp", it said, "I can teach you how to be a REAL man!"

So LMNO sent the ad off with $1 for shipping and handling.  2 weeks later, his packet showed up.  We don't know what was in that packet, but we do know most of what happened next.

LMNO and his wife were at the beach again, and the big guy shows up and boots sand all over LMNO.  "HAR HAR, WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT?", he bellowed.

LMNO just kinda smiled, and said "I'm going to kill you."

"HAR HAR!", the big guy said, and raised one huge fist...

...At which point LMNO hauled a big-ass sword out from under the blanket and sprayed big guy's guts all over the sand.

Things changed after that.  Last time I was down to the oceanside, LMNO was kicking a great white shark out of the way, because it was attacking some children and was thus blocking their view of the sunset.  And Mrs LMNO has always loved the sunset.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 26, 2014, 05:30:18 pm
That LMNO... ever the romantic!
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 26, 2014, 05:31:11 pm
That LMNO... ever the romantic!

That Mrs LMNO is a lucky gal.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: LMNO on February 26, 2014, 05:41:45 pm
And I owe it all to EoC, for the small price of $1.00 and a stamp!


And no, I am contractionally obligated never to reveal what was in the packet.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on February 26, 2014, 06:08:41 pm
The FUTURETM is all about The Next Big Thing and you better not get in the way of that, mister, or you'll find yourself on the ground gazing upwards in a haze of concussed confusion and roofied into a stupor while the next Justin Bieber stands on his balcony, smiling down a you . . . before spitting into your eyeballs until there is no more spit.

You see, citizen, everyone needs something to cling to. And The FUTURETM provides that. In spades. All you have to do is pick your poison and pay. Pay for the privilege of experiencing what it is to have the life you want - super star, super model, sport celebrity - dangled in front of you. And then pay for the privilege of watching that star, that celebrity go down in a pile of flaming crazy.

The FUTURETM shows you the glitz and the glamor. And then it shows you what happens to people who attain the glitz and the glamor. You're safe, little citizen. Safe where you are. It's nice here, really. Sure there is debt. Sure there is pain. But you aren't tempted and broken by power and prestige you could never handle.

Huddle in your little hole, citizen. Gaze at the burning, burning stars and know you're safe. Better things, brighter lives are bad for you. They lead to ruin. They turn people, even the most beautiful people, ugly.

The FUTURETM gives you a taste of what you want and the destroys it. Over and over again. For you. Always for you.

Finish your beer and go to bed, dear citizen. Work starts bright and early.
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 26, 2014, 06:27:31 pm
I CAN'T HELP IT
I WAS BORN IN A HOUSE WITH THE TELEVISION ALWAYS ON
Title: Re: Discordian concept record available
Post by: LuciferX on May 26, 2014, 08:24:16 pm
THE FUTURE AIN'T SOMETHING YOU KNOW
AND THEY WON'T TELL YOU, SO.

IT WILL NOT BE RECORDED
OR EVEN REPORTED.
IT WILL NEVER BE LATE
MAKE NO MISTAKE.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT THERE
NOTHING NEW, IF YOU SO CARE

WHY DON'T YOU SEEM TO SEE
THE FUTURE'S INVISIBILITY
TAKES YOU BY THE HAND
DRAWING WATER FROM SAND

CASTLES IN YOUR MIND WILL UPWARD GROW
YOU CAN'T MAINTAIN I DIDN'T SAY SO