Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Apple Talk => Topic started by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 16, 2017, 04:57:32 am

Title: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 16, 2017, 04:57:32 am
If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that humans are awful at governing themselves. I've completely given up all hope of convincing people to improve, because even if they eventually do (which they won't), I'll be dead long before I see it. So instead of giving a shite about the state of human affairs, I will spend the rest of my life dreaming up new rules for You People to live by. Here are a few I'm working on at the moment.

1. No more music about feelings and relationships. "I have feelings and I will adjust my relationship status accordingly" has been expressed so many times there's no way there's anything left to say here. From now on, all songs will address dragons, space monsters, epic historical arcs, or something else that's completely unrelated to how you "feel", which no one cares to hear.

2. Driving slow in the fast lane will be a holy sacrament. There's no reason to be in a hurry to get anywhere people are expecting you. Life is too short, and besides, nobody really gives a fuck about you showing up on time unless you get there early and make them look bad by comparison. All the more reason to take your time.

3. Everyone will be required to spend at least 3 hours per day piling insults on anyone on the internet who tries to look cool by being "edgy". Being offensive isn't witty, it just drags conversations into chaos by short-circuiting the human instinct to be right about everything all the time.

4. No more songs that are written entirely in 4/4. Just knock it off. It's the 21st century, we shouldn't still need musical training wheels.

5. All scientists will be pulled from any projects and research currently underway and will be assigned tasks that contribute directly to the development of cold fusion, flying cars, and faster-than-light interstellar travel. They will not be allowed to visit their children until certain breakthroughs have been made. We live in the future, and it's time we started acting like it.

This list is not finished, so don't get comfortable.
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: LMNO on November 16, 2017, 01:00:40 pm
I resolve from here on out to write all my songs in 1/1.
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 16, 2017, 01:39:48 pm
I resolve from here on out to write all my songs in 1/1.
This is simultaneously unavoidable and irresponsible. I see I will also need a Ministry of Punishing Technicalities and Loopholes.

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Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: Cain on November 16, 2017, 05:07:59 pm
If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 16, 2017, 05:11:58 pm
If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.
At your own peril.

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Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 16, 2017, 09:38:36 pm
If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.

Also mine, according to LMNO.   :lulz:
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: LMNO on November 17, 2017, 12:49:41 pm
If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.

Also mine, according to LMNO.   :lulz:

A guy says that Burn Down the Mission is "okay" just once, and look what happens.
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 17, 2017, 01:32:36 pm
If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.

Also mine, according to LMNO.   :lulz:

A guy says that Burn Down the Mission is "okay" just once, and look what happens.
Burn Down for what now

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Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 17, 2017, 10:15:25 pm
If 200+ years of "democracy" has taught us anything, it's that we can disregard Vex's views on anything musical.

Also mine, according to LMNO.   :lulz:

A guy says that Burn Down the Mission is "okay" just once, and look what happens.

Hey, I also like Safety Dance.
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: LMNO on November 17, 2017, 10:29:26 pm
In penance, blast Bearforce1 at work. Make Billy dance.
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 17, 2017, 11:48:54 pm
In penance, blast Bearforce1 at work. Make Billy dance.

I apparently do penance every day.   :lulz:
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 18, 2017, 02:34:54 am
more rules.

6. Building codes will require that for every 5 fire drills in any densely populated building, there must be at least 1 actual fire. Otherwise, we're practicing for nothing. Think of it as a Kobayashi Maru for desk jockeys.

7. There will be absolutely no films or television programs set in the real world where all the characters are subject to the normal laws of physics or probability, because that defeats the purpose of escapism.

8. All elections will be carried out by randomly recruiting D&D players to a central location, where they will each be assigned a candidate and proceed to decide the election by a series of D20 rolls.

9. All professional sports will be condensed three-week period and run simultaneously with no access to the public, and with no coverage in any communication medium other than interpretive dance.

10. Country music can never be eradicated because it is a deeply loved cultural phenomenon. However, all performances of it must occur in the Louisiana swamps, outdoors, without amplification.
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 18, 2017, 05:13:05 am
*eradicated

It's like I don't even know you, anymore.
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 18, 2017, 03:15:43 pm
*eradicated

It's like I don't even know you, anymore.
I'm drunk most of the time. Not on alcohol, tho, or I'd know how to stop. Maybe it's that bottomless depression I keep hearing about.

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Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on November 19, 2017, 11:08:36 pm
I DEMAND 3D6 MECHANICS AT THE VERY LEAST. THE PROBABILITY SPREAD ON D20 IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT.
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 20, 2017, 02:38:35 am
I DEMAND 3D6 MECHANICS AT THE VERY LEAST. THE PROBABILITY SPREAD ON D20 IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT.

That's way too complicated for the general public. Maybe for Senate, because nobody really understands what those suits do anyway. Then again, if we keep it to things most people can comprehend, all elections would have to be settled by literal pissing matches. I'll compromise. 2 D6+1D8.
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: Prelate Diogenes Shandor on December 08, 2017, 05:42:31 am
10. Country music can never be eradicated because it is a deeply loved cultural phenomenon. However, all performances of it must occur in the Louisiana swamps, outdoors, without amplification.

Even Mojo Nixon?
Title: Re: things I will do when I am emperor of the universe
Post by: Chelagoras The Boulder on January 09, 2018, 02:59:35 am
I DEMAND 3D6 MECHANICS AT THE VERY LEAST. THE PROBABILITY SPREAD ON D20 IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT.
*Stares blankly* Sorry, had a flashback to a very opinionated friend I had in high school you would have agreed with.