Messages

1

Apple Zone / Re: How to Win Enemies and Influence People

« on: May 17, 2013, 08:01:43 pm »

I needed to read this sort of thing today.  Bravo for pwnage,welcome  to being the most fit monkey in their eyes.

2

Apple Zone / Re: ICONS OF HATE

« on: May 09, 2013, 11:36:22 pm »

There is no benevolent incarnation of big brother, Google included.

3

Apple Zone / Re: A Collection of Nightmares

« on: May 08, 2013, 11:21:57 pm »

It's red outside.  Like that snow-storm pink in the inner city at night, except it's dark red.  I'm in the house I grew up in so I msut be visiting. I don't know.  I run to the porch to see where the red is coming from, and all these grey aliens are sort of underwater walking up to me.  The mind control doesn't work though.  Too wrong, too basic, too much of the old berserker blood.  They're after my family, I'm mad, and they are tissue paper..

<flip>

It's one of those backwards worlds again, I know somehow.

"Back for another shoot, huh?"  says the blonde bombshell with the camera and the deranged smile.  "Bet you're SO proud of what you're doing for the conception of men as objects.  Since you've been so naughty, we're going to start with THIS."

She hands me a can of Fosters that ain't for where I want

<flip>

I'm walking through a hall, remembering. 

I'm remembering being with her.  The good times.  Her laugh, her life, her energy, the sweat on her skin...

"No."  Growls the thing living behind my eyes.  "That will bring sadness.  Or happiness.  Be cold now.  Cold and mad."

<flip>

I'm at the game again.  Everyone's there, Cram, Cainad, the rest of the team of nuts.  It's at the new camp site too.  The one with the cabins surrounded by dead ironwood trees hung with the skulls of our enemies.  The ones with the sand dunes of Wood End covered in fragrant northeast pine.  The one on the bay where the family has just brought the boat in, and are riding at anchor.  We'll take a row out at dinner hour for wine and food with them, then back in for the nighttime raids.  Best place and people for LARP ever.

...and I've left my fucking boffer weapons in Rhode Island....

<flip>

The Tribe dude (Sioux, Blackfoot?  I can never remember...) and I are in the woods again.  No nature hikes or herb lessons this time, this is actually risky.  He knows some short cut to power, and it involves hanging fake dead babies from trees in their weird wrapped coffin things.  Why in the name of Hell am I helping him?

Then the spirits show up and shred him before I can even blink.  They're in the form of these three little kids of cold unflinching demeanor and unquestioning purpose. 

There's a creek, so I lie down in it, and make one with the water.  Flowing away slowly, but maybe silently enough that they'll miss me.

They don't and lined up, side by side, they lean over the stream as I float by.  Each in turn kisses my forehead as I pass, and says the same thing to me.

"Murder - chaun"

"Murder - chaun"

"Murder - chaun"

4

Apple Zone / Re: Spagbook

« on: May 08, 2013, 01:57:22 am »

How does that work?

Two old vets get the young guy drunk and then just listen.

Best fix there is, really. Aside from not having to go.

Yeah, it would be.

Anybody else would be too sheltered. It wouldn't work.

Well anyone can listen. But it's hard not to flinch sometimes, unless you've been there.

It's hard to SAY THINGS to people who haven't been there, if "there" is sufficiently horrible.

But you don't say.  The only thing you say is, "So, Snake, where ya been?"

Then you shut up and keep the tumblers full.

"Just get your ass back and we'll figure out the rest."  - To my buddy before he went off.  He did, luckier than a lot, and doing OK since. 

5

Apple Zone / Re: Open Bar VII: written by George Lucas!

« on: May 08, 2013, 01:36:20 am »

You won't get far calling it "Butthair Wig"

Try "Ass-Merkin"

It's all about the marketing.

I am all about truth in advertising.

"Genuine TGRR Asshair Wig.  Specially treated with vindaloo squeezings."

"Tribbles existing would collapse the Merkin Market in less than one fiscal quarter."   - Epistle to the perverts on FB

6

Apple Zone / Re: ICONS OF HATE

« on: May 08, 2013, 01:35:18 am »

Windows 8 was actually a postmodern art student's PHD thesis with the "masturbating Ghanesh screen rush" censored out.

7

Apple Zone / Re: Richter & I.

« on: May 08, 2013, 01:31:41 am »

We are Holy Men™, and we regularly practice "laying on wrench", also known as "appliance healing" or "Make the fucking thing work by INTIMIDATION".  Richter once scared a Fiat into functioning.  True story.

Many years ago, Richter and I were tasked with a Holy Quest™, in which we were tasked with finding just 50 honest people in Providence, lest the LORD grow wrathful and smite the city for its iniquities.  The result was the great Providence flood a few years back.  Sorry truth is, we found 50 honest people in about an hour, but then we got into the Maker's Mark, and God got sick of waiting and trashed the joint while we were passed out.  We felt kinda bad about that one.

We were tasked with CLEANSING THE TEMPLE, but Richter hogged up all the fun.  Before I even had my hip waders on, he'd sharpened a basketball and taken out the entire mafia, including a 3 pointer from way downtown that beheaded Vinnie "The Butthole" Garbanzo.  I was peeved, I can tell you.  I had to settle for tying Vinnie's brother to the Jeep's trailer hitch and taking him out for a drag.

Richter WRITES the hymns, and I MAKE the people sing them.  Castrato, if need be.

Thus endeth the lesson, unless Richter has anything to add.

Or Kill Me.

My mistake, I got carried away.

The 50 honest dudes were a hoot, last I saw they were plywood parasailing in Hurricane Sandy to the guitar solo from "Millenium King". 

The Good Reverend has it here.  I am off to meditate on how much PB Blaster will be needed to silence the recalcitrance of old bolts.   

8

Apple Zone / Re: Richter & I.

« on: May 08, 2013, 01:23:18 am »

I'm not really a Holy Man™ but I am striving for added Holy™ daily. I'm not there yet, but I try hard.

Of late, I have neglected my most Sacred Crowbar. It had been many a day since I beat the truth from an inanimate object. To rectify this grievance, I have begun to bring it EVERYWHERE. It is my walking stick. My pointing stick. My reaching Stick. My "Just holding a Crowbar while you talk to me" stick. And it was Good. Joy has been found, and the opportunity to extract vengeance upon your surroundings arises more often that you'd think.

Opportunity knocks. Holy™ carries a Crowbar.

I preach to these savages in this Godless foreign land. I spake unto them the most ancient of words "NO." I try to limit any explanation to single grunts and mime. I largely succeed. My sermons are short, yet they seem to keep the spirit at heart even if only temporarily.

My exile has been long and hard. My return shall be glorious. My people will not remember me in song, or fondly. But they will remember.

Advice on how to up my Holy™?

HOLY is what happens when you stop doing it to BE the HOLY guy, but because YOUR PEOPLE NEED THAT SHIT.

See this is the fucked up thing;
Show most people an elevated position, and some  will want to BE in it just because.  These are the last people who should be, they jsut want an ego trip. 
Some, as a result, will approach it blathering about "service", and how being a doormat for your fellow peeps is some sort of virtue.  It's not, it's only a pale justification for your lack of spine.
HOLY  cannot be stopped.  HOLY is a sneeze or an orgasm.  HOLY has critical mass.  HOLY is breathing the truth to the others, and then being able to hear it when they spout the good stuff back.  HOLY is Mohamed Ali, in that was NEVER too good to hone his basics. 

Don't preach to please, preach to make them squirm and twitch on what you REALLY THINK. 

9

Apple Zone / Re: Little Orange Breaks Bad

« on: May 08, 2013, 01:02:28 am »

Like a summer storm, you always seem to say "gee it's nice out" jsut as the front's bearing down.

10

Apple Zone / Re: From the Who Didn't See THIS Coming Department

« on: May 07, 2013, 12:49:37 pm »

Also has a serious problem with religious assaults too.  Atheists, Jews and Muslims all report routine harassment within Air Force ranks.

A buddy of mine ranted about this whenever he got time to call home from Afghanistan.  Apparently things were highly Jesus - based.  He got shit for not wanting to join pre - patrol prayer.  Not that he wasn't Christian, he just didn't believe in praying for help shooting people.

11

Apple Zone / Re: Now, THIS is interesting, though not terribly surprising.

« on: May 07, 2013, 12:42:10 pm »

He came to my old school for a lecture once.  In person he's pretty much exactly as he is the interview there; quirky, excited, and sort of unassuming about what he's doing (and if you're tuned in to the results, he doesn't have to boast about it.  It WORKS).  "Anthropologist on Mars" was very much the same sort of presentation, very little about the writer / narrator, more about the people and how they're dealing or responding to their own condition. 

12

Apple Zone / Re: Little Orange Breaks Bad

« on: May 07, 2013, 12:24:23 pm »

Wow, I hadn't thought about that angle to being a prophet.

Short, messy careers with a hard exit are usually the norm.  It would almighty suck if it didnt end!

13

Apple Zone / Re: Authenticating your ECH

« on: May 07, 2013, 12:20:37 pm »

Most counterfet ECH is the product of the now unluckiest province of rural china

14

Apple Zone / Re: Little Orange Breaks Bad

« on: May 04, 2013, 03:19:13 am »

Fucking CHILLS.  First time literature has done that since some pulp detective stuff, or that thing by Gerald's bastard.

15

Apple Zone / Re: I was all ready for my Peedee Party.

« on: May 03, 2013, 02:53:51 am »

Project BITCHHAMMER caught up and had me locked in a port-a-john, blasting "Elmo" songs in an effort to activate my kill-programing. 

If I'd known you were ready I'd have sucked it up and snorkled out through the blue shit sooner.