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Messages - PretentiousMovieDirector

Pages: [1] 2
1
Or Kill Me / Re: The left and the right
« on: April 17, 2018, 06:39:01 pm »
While on another forum I frequent I came across a topic from a poster who was confused about what constituted the "left" and the " right politically, as he had seen contradictory explanations. Inspired by that I came up with a handy chart and posted it as a response. I'd like to repost it here too:

The Right is about:

*regressive abrahamic superstition
*pathological obsession with money and power
*being a shill for polluters and robber barons
*difficulty getting a job due to lack of skills that can't be done better and cheaper by a machine
*white supremicism
*proudly ignorant backwoods hicks
*a bizarrely narrow view of what kind of relationships are acceptable
*bullshit degrees in divinity
*fear and hatred of science
*the racist, sectarian, nationalistic, cultural chauvinist, sexist, homophobic, militant, and world dominating aspects of Naziism

The Left is about:

*fatuous new-age superstition
*insufferably saccharine and/or emo obsession with feelings and identity
*being a pipe-dreaming hippie
*difficulty getting a job due to lack of skills that are useful
*refusal to integrate/assimilate
*pseudointellectuals
*a bizarrely narrow view of what constitutes consent
*bullshit degrees in the humanities
*fear and hatred of technology
*the eugenic, and scientifically unethical aspects of Naziism

What the fuck? CUT!

YOU come to ME begging for a chance at fame and fortune, and you give me this mainstream, moderate, bourgeoisie B-List bullshit? Being in the middle is the equivalent of not caring.

Having the whole world hate you makes you a Super Villain that the masses can cherish. Having the whole world hate you because you won't take a side in the fight against evil makes you a FUCKING HIPSTER CUNT-STAIN.

WHAT DID I DO TO THE LAST HIPSTER CUNT-STAIN WHO STEPPED FOOT ON THIS SET? ANYONE?...

I AMPUTATED BOTH OF HIS HALVES TO CREATE A METAPHOR. SUSAN GET ME MY GODDAMN WATER PILLS. MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS REACHING CURLY HOWARD LEVELS.

2
Or Kill Me / Re: The left and the right
« on: April 16, 2018, 02:37:44 pm »
I'm so far beyond the primitive left/right paradigm that all you rubes are backward conservatives compared to my enlightened progressivism.

I'm so far advanced that I had the left and right side of my body amputated.

I'm so advanced that I had Trent's left and right sides amputated.

You see, my progressive advancement is so far beyond that of the physical, that I amputated Trent as a metaphor for the elimination of physical differentiation between all living things, including neurological tendency toward one area of the political spectrum over the other. At this point, my existence lies only in the unspeakable metaphysical world, only accessible by abstract analogy that is only achievable with art.

NO, STEVE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO ROB ME OF MY LATTE, YOU LITTLE TWIT. AND SUSAN, THAT LAST ARC SHOT MADE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH - AND NOT BECAUSE I GET MOTION SICKNESS. IF YOU DON'T GET ME A PACK OF MINTS IN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS, I WILL MAKE YOUR RIGHT AND LEFT HALVES UNDIFFERENTIABLE TO YOUR BRAIN. YOU WILL MOVE SYMMETRICALLY FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE.

3
High Weirdness / Re: Chicken grows face of dinosaur
« on: January 09, 2018, 08:31:05 pm »
No sense trying to make non-sense of this board. The live posts this moment: yours, gaming posts, other cramps. Is this all there is? Any of y'all get out of yer house and do somethings? Or is it a sit-in-your-room & post on the internet dealy? ( O.K., I really like the shared art. That r'ocks) But can I show you an image of a mouse with a human ear growing out it's side?  I'll be sitting in my room when I post it.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE! CUT!

This ad-lib bullshit is the reason why you'll never reach A-list status. Unfortunately, your contract was written up tighter than John Goodman in a clown car, so I won't be able to can you like I intended.

MIKE, IF THAT BACKDROP DOESN'T CONVINCE ME I'M IN THE GRAND FUCKING CANYON, I'M REPLACING YOU WITH YOUR TWIN BROTHER. To think, it's possible to be so much more useless than someone who STARTED OUT WITH THE SAME GENES AS YOU.

At this rate, Alan Smithee's gonna get credit for yet another B-Movie.

LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.

And kid, this time, go by the script. There's a goddamn DINOSAUR CHICKEN in the room and you're mumbling on about the goddamn outdoors. Do the outdoors have FUCKING DINOSAUR CHICKENS, FUCK FACE? DIDN'T THINK SO.

ACTION!

4
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Free Russian Orphans with Every Purchase
« on: August 31, 2017, 06:38:18 pm »
Please tell me I at least hocked the diamond for some hookers and blow.

Well, of course. But the hooker's asshole you snorted the blow out of had a syphilitic chancre. And because it was 1912, you weren't given proper treatment for syphilis before the neurological symptoms started. You went insane before you got treatment, and have been sitting in a straight jacket for 10 years mumbling about Eris and PEEDEE and GAY BARS.

You could have just moved over to the other side of the door, y'know.

5
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Free Russian Orphans with Every Purchase
« on: August 31, 2017, 04:08:00 pm »
Wait, when did we meet?

It was in the Summer of 1912, aboard a magnificent cruise.

Your mother insisted that your recent engagement and upcoming marriage to a wealthy upper-classman would maintain your family's financial elevation. But you didn't love him.

Out of desire to act for yourself, and make one final decision on your own, you intended to leap from the ship to a watery death. But a handsome, poor artist stopped you only moments before. CRAM, was his name.

4 days later, the ship hit an iceberg, and you floated away on a door big enough for 2 while he slowly died of hypothermia feet away from you.








Or was it the Spring of 1912? I can't remember.

6
Advertise for the hit Blockbuster of the century.

"History in the Making: The History of the GOP: How Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Returned Reagan's Groove: The Documentary: The Musical"

Use Calibri bold or Times New Roman font for the title. Description of your choice goes below in Comic Sans.

All other pages, links, and images consist of nothing but cat memes and elephants humping.

Richard Spencer starring as Marky Mark.

And Richard Nixon's Festering Corpse is all of the other Funky Bunch Members.

And now we have our plot for the prequel we'll say we're releasing in 2 years, but everyone knows it'll be out in 1 because we'll be short on money: "The True Story of Nixon: Watergate Crook to Undead Meth Cook (And Every Dangerous Experiment and Hobo Blowjob in Between): The Animation"

I'm a sucker for kid flicks.

7
Advertise for the hit Blockbuster of the century.

"History in the Making: The History of the GOP: How Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Returned Reagan's Groove: The Documentary: The Musical"

Use Calibri bold or Times New Roman font for the title. Description of your choice goes below in Comic Sans.

All other pages, links, and images consist of nothing but cat memes and elephants humping.

8
Aneristic Illusions / Re: Is anyone here an advocate for non-violence?
« on: August 23, 2017, 01:54:53 am »
Unfortunately, I didn't manage to get it out before Pretentious Movie Director quoted it, and well, there it is.

IS THAT A FOURTH-WALL BREAK? WHAT THE FUCK? THIS ISN'T HOUSE OF CARDS, AND I'M NOT WOODY ALLEN. YOU ARE SO FIRED.

9
Aneristic Illusions / Re: Is anyone here an advocate for non-violence?
« on: August 21, 2017, 05:57:44 pm »
:herewego:

10
Apple Talk / Re: PICS VIII: 10% LARGER THAN PICS VII
« on: August 21, 2017, 02:58:12 pm »
I wish PMD would do The Life and Times of Generalissimo Enrico Salazar, bless his rotten and decaying heart.

That bastard paid me in orphan teeth for that... that monstrosity of a musical.

WARNING: ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM. SERIOUSLY, THE FILM ITSELF WAS RECORDED ON GOAT SCROTE.

11
Aneristic Illusions / Re: Is anyone here an advocate for non-violence?
« on: August 21, 2017, 02:51:35 pm »
Right on cue.

Three or four more and no-one will remember why this thread was started.

CUT!

Get this man some more butthurt. Go ahead and dim the front light and focus it on his eyes. This time, as he states his prediction, fade the light and cut to black.

ROGER, TIGHTEN MICHAEL BAY'S BALL GAG, I CAN HEAR HIS SCREAMS OVER THE BRAND X MUSIC!

Look, we're gonna need you step up the energy. I'm getting a lot of "DISCRODIA IS NOT NICE" but not enough "BEES BEES BEES."

Do you get what I'm saying?

I WANT JIM CARREY MEETS JOHN WAYNE GACY. I WANT FRENCH FRY MEETS WENDY'S CHOCOLATE FROSTY. I WANT SHARKNADO MEETS THE MUNSTERS.

Make me proud.


Alright, from the top of Scene 5.

ACTION!

12
Aneristic Illusions / Re: WHERE'S YOUR GODWIN, NOW?
« on: August 17, 2017, 09:42:58 pm »
Alright, I'm going to leave you guys probably for another six months with this last, less assholish message of unconventional means to approaching peace.

I'm watching a documentary called Accidental Courtesy. You can see it on Netflix (https://www.netflix.com/title/80105514).

You might have seen it, you might not. You might think it's bullshit, you might not. I probably won't check back to find out, but I think it sums up pretty much part of what I came back here to say.

Catch you cats later.

Are you fucking kidding me? We didn't even get enough for B-Roll and now we're gonna have to shoot the Martini with some asshole off the street. I HAD YOU CONTRACTED FOR 9 PAGES YOU SANCTIMONIOUS SACK OF SHIT.

AND THEN YOU DISRESPECT THE INDUSTRY WITH YOUR SUB-5-STAR NETFLIX DOCUMENTARIES? YOU WOULDN'T KNOW TALENT IF IT BIT YOU IN THE DICK!

...

I need a fucking latte...

Trent, WHERE'S MY FUCKING LATTE?

Trent is being beaten for putting whole milk in your latte, sir.

Like I'm a FUCKING COW?

I REQUESTED ALMOND BECAUSE I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT. THAT FUCKER WAS TRYING TO HINDER MY BOWELS!

And nobody is allowed to hinder my bowels except Stanley Kubrick.

I'M GONNA PRESS CHARGES AND MILK HIM FOR ALL HE'S WORTH. WHO'S THE COW NOW, BITCH?

Trent was never gonna be a team player, sir.  I caught him watching Michael Bay flicks.

OOOO BIG ROBOTS, BIG EXPLOSIONS, CONSTANT TERROR.

What an aspie, washed up sell out. He should go back to music video production. All those Transformer movies, and he still didn't understand how to transform into a halfway decent producer.

You know, that Trent fucker was probably working for Michael Bay... He's always been trying to steal my ideas...



WATERBOARD THAT CUNT, AND GET ME MICHAEL BAY'S DIRECT LINE.

13
Apple Talk / Re: PICS VIII: 10% LARGER THAN PICS VII
« on: August 17, 2017, 06:05:40 pm »
what dark times these are


Cousin against cousin
juggalo against juggalo

 :cry:

The documentary and re-enactment will be the most provocative and innovative of its kind when I'm done with it. I can see it now:

Broken chains on the ground - links half dug into the dirt from wild and unaware foot steps of frantic goth clowns.

You can see the Juggalo with the boombox being stabbed by another with an eye-liner applicator in the distance. You can hear the ICP beat from the boombox, just faintly - "Murderin, murderin, murderin fun..."

The Juggalo near the back of the crowd charging money to show off her tits is cunt-punching the nearest Skinhead.

GODDAMNIT LISA, I CAN HEAR YOUR STUPIDITY. GO THINK SOMEWHERE ELSE, YOU'RE DISRUPTING MY CREATIVE FLOW!

Where was I?... Ah

A Juggalo lays on the ground, staring up at another sitting beside him.

"I... I can't feel my face..." he says.

"I couldn't find the Stein's brand facepaint in Hot Topic... so I... I had to go with SILLY FARM..." the other says.

"I... I'M ALLERGIC TO SILLY FARM."

They both weep.

End scene.

14
Aneristic Illusions / Re: WHERE'S YOUR GODWIN, NOW?
« on: August 17, 2017, 03:01:20 pm »
Alright, I'm going to leave you guys probably for another six months with this last, less assholish message of unconventional means to approaching peace.

I'm watching a documentary called Accidental Courtesy. You can see it on Netflix (https://www.netflix.com/title/80105514).

You might have seen it, you might not. You might think it's bullshit, you might not. I probably won't check back to find out, but I think it sums up pretty much part of what I came back here to say.

Catch you cats later.

Are you fucking kidding me? We didn't even get enough for B-Roll and now we're gonna have to shoot the Martini with some asshole off the street. I HAD YOU CONTRACTED FOR 9 PAGES YOU SANCTIMONIOUS SACK OF SHIT.

AND THEN YOU DISRESPECT THE INDUSTRY WITH YOUR SUB-5-STAR NETFLIX DOCUMENTARIES? YOU WOULDN'T KNOW TALENT IF IT BIT YOU IN THE DICK!

...

I need a fucking latte...

Trent, WHERE'S MY FUCKING LATTE?

Trent is being beaten for putting whole milk in your latte, sir.

Like I'm a FUCKING COW?

I REQUESTED ALMOND BECAUSE I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT. THAT FUCKER WAS TRYING TO HINDER MY BOWELS!

And nobody is allowed to hinder my bowels except Stanley Kubrick.

I'M GONNA PRESS CHARGES AND MILK HIM FOR ALL HE'S WORTH. WHO'S THE COW NOW, BITCH?

15
Aneristic Illusions / Re: WHERE'S YOUR GODWIN, NOW?
« on: August 17, 2017, 04:03:46 am »
Alright, I'm going to leave you guys probably for another six months with this last, less assholish message of unconventional means to approaching peace.

I'm watching a documentary called Accidental Courtesy. You can see it on Netflix (https://www.netflix.com/title/80105514).

You might have seen it, you might not. You might think it's bullshit, you might not. I probably won't check back to find out, but I think it sums up pretty much part of what I came back here to say.

Catch you cats later.

Are you fucking kidding me? We didn't even get enough for B-Roll and now we're gonna have to shoot the Martini with some asshole off the street. I HAD YOU CONTRACTED FOR 9 PAGES YOU SANCTIMONIOUS SACK OF SHIT.

AND THEN YOU DISRESPECT THE INDUSTRY WITH YOUR SUB-5-STAR NETFLIX DOCUMENTARIES? YOU WOULDN'T KNOW TALENT IF IT BIT YOU IN THE DICK!

...

I need a fucking latte...

Trent, WHERE'S MY FUCKING LATTE?

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