« on: July 21, 2016, 05:59:59 pm »
"Got one of those stalker virus yesterday, creepy as fuck."
"Aye, what happened?"
"Walking down Main Street, talking to Melissa, getting the trip organised. She's checking flights and hotels and cars and shit. We'd just got to the cross and I get that creepy - being watched - feeling and I turn around and there's this shady looking fucker standing outside RS and he's looking right at me. "
"So what'd you do?"
"Well nothing at first. Just figured I was being paranoid. It's just after twelve, street was mobbed."
"So then what?"
"So, we walk on a couple of hundred yards, past the Eyeshop and I turn around again, kinda humouring myself, yanno?"
"There he is, half a block back and staring at me, this fucked up grin on his face."
"My thoughts exactly. I told Mel to check him out. You'll never guess what she tells me?"
"She can't see him."
"That's what I'm thinking. So I turn back to the guy who's fucking marching toward us at this point, and he's got one hand inside his coat, you know like..."
"...he's going for a weapon."
"Aye, and I'm still thinking - paranoid but he's pretty fucking close now."
"Like a couple of car lengths."
"So I turn to ask Mel if she can see him now."
"And, fuck all. She's gone."
"Aye, no sign."
"So I shout her a couple of times but nothing. I'm standing at the entrance to the star and it's mobbed. Saturday afternoon, right?"
"And I'm thinking, I'll be safe in there, maybe lose the cunt."
"So I head in and I'm straight up to the bar for a pint and I'm standing there and Mel appears, right next to me and I'm like, fuck happened to you?"
"So what's she say?"
"She leans in, right in my face, like inches away and then her face changes into the creepy cunt and he takes a step back, in a split second I can see a knife in his hand and then he stabs me right in the gut."
"Seriously. There was blood pishing out and everything."
"Aw, that's heavy man."
"That's no the worst part."
"What's that, like?"
"The worst part is I've just made a complete twat of myself, in the middle of the Star on a saturday avo, in front of half the fucking town."
"Like I jumped back like fuck, cracked my back on the bar. I think I screamed like a wee lassie. Got some mental looks off the punters."
"Aw you did not?"
"Seriously, man, it was realistic as fuck, my heart was pure pounding. Dropped my pint and everything."
"So how'd you fix it?"
"Fucker keeps doing it."
"What I told you - it's a virus."
"Aye I know but you deleted it, right?"
"Took the virus-scanner out, mate. Most of the time, it's just normal Melissa but, every now and again she turns into the creepy dude and stabs me and then for the next half hour I'm surrounded wi porn spam. Getting boners in the most inappropriate places. Can't even turn my eyes off."
"So what now?"
"Half an hour, was on my way there when I saw you."
"Good luck. Hey, what's that fucker over there think he's staring at?"
"Dude in the trenchcoat, wi the hat."
"Better come down wi me. Think you might have caught it too."