Sometimes I rattle the cage and beat my head uselessly against its bars, but sometimes, I can shake one loose and use it as a dildo.
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The United States is the world's new facial hair super power, having captured eleven world championship titles out of eighteen categories at the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Anchorage, Alaska on May 23, 2009. Possessing home field advantage, the USA was able to dethrone Germany which had dominated this competition since its inception.
Hometown favorite and Beard Team USA member David Traver was crowned overall champ, having styled his beard to resemble an Alaska snowshoe which earned him top honors in the freestle full beard category. Meanwhile Germany's Karl-Heinz Hille's elaborate moustache earned him second. San Franciscan Jack Passion placed third with his long, red natural beard.
Nearly 300 competitors from 15 separate countries competed. All of the winners received engraved Alaska gold pans as trophies.
WHAT'S A FUSION CENTER YOU ASK? THEY'RE A SET OF LOCAL INTELLIGENCE CENTERS ACROSS THE COUNTRY CREATED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY TO COMBAT TERRORISM AND RELATED CRIMINAL ACTIVITY. AND NOW ACORDING TO A REPORT BY ONE OF THESE FUSION CENTERS, IF YOU'RE AN ANTI ABORTION ACTIVIST, IF YOU'VE SUPPORTED THIRD PARTY PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES LIKE RON PAUL, CHUCK BALDWIN, OR BOB BARR. OR BELIEVE IN THE IDEA THAT THE U S, MEXICO, AND CANADA WILL SOMEDAY FORM A NORTH AMERICAN UNION, THEN YOU MAY BE SPECIALLY TARGETED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY