is not Tim fucking Tebow. Disclaimer: I will talk about sports herein, including american football. I do not consider myself a sports enthusiast (excluding "winter" sports), so don't try to discuss this shit with me. You'll be speaking greek and I really don't give a fuck.
Fuck I hate that dude. Oh how I hate him. Oh how I've hated him. And somehow, by some twisted joke of fate or whatthefuck have you, I cannot escape this goody fuck two shoes.
I tried. He followed me.
My tech monkey job back in knox was working for a mba program at the university of tennessee. TN's football team was utter shit all five years I lived there. Hell, the only decent TN game I saw in those five years was when we stomped a hole in LSU's ass using our shitty third string QB right after Katrina fucked their shit up. That night was awesome. There was a student "riot" (at least that's what the knoxville news sentinel called it), complete with a futon mattress being torched at the entrance to Neyland. Yep, them crazy tn kids sure know how to throw on a good riot.
That game was my freshman year, and we had the shittiest of shitty qb's, a true fuckoff named Eric Ainge. I used to hate him more than any sports figure I'd ever heard of. I was naive.
TN's arguably worst rival in the SEC is fucking florida. The animosity was bred by Steve Spurrier, a native tennesseean, snubbing the head coaching position at TN in favor of going to the swamp. This hatred ran, and still runs deep in the hearts of all orange blooded vol fans. A popular shirt in the tackiest of orange and white, that was still being worn by the fandom just before my exodus read "Hey Spurrier, Up Yours!" Point being, volfans hate gators. They tailgate and eat gator tail. It's not uncommon at these tail gate events to see whateverthefuck the fl mascot gator is named stuffed animals hanging from nooses or being drug behind trucks. That state is full of fucking rednecks.
It was in the midst of this shitty decade of football that spurriers replacement urban meyer lifted this golden child up to become my most hated of all sports celebrities. He blasted onto the scene the year after the futon bonfire game, and didn't do much, though the gators won the championship. The next year he won the heisman. The next year they again won the championship. The next year they lost to Bama, and tebow wept.
Just looking at his face makes me want to shank something. Also, it should be noted that tebow was known for crying. A lot. I'm not sure what always brought him to tears, but it makes me happy nonetheless.
Graduation time came, and wonder child shocked everyone by saying he was declining continuing his football career, and instead was going to go into mission work to spread the word o' the lord. This was fine with me, because he looks like a third world country might do him some good. I'd especially enjoy seeing him in Africa trying to tell a bloated stomach dying child that jesus loves him. I honestly believe he'd do that too. Fucking zealots.
Tebow was leaving on his jesus journey, and there was peace for a time. I began to plan my exodus, and as I tend to do, stopped giving a shit about sports. I left tn, and visited an old friend for a night in st louis. This friend is a big dude, 6'4", criminal justice major, but has been unable to find a legit cop job on account of knee problems, and so he works as a security guard. He's also a huge sports fan. He's also cruel.
Within 10 minutes of arriving in st louis and saying hello to the long lost friend we departed for a nearby dive bar to drink and catch up. In the course of this conversation he asks my target destination, i discuss the interview, and the following conversation occurs, to the best of my memory:
B - so how far are you going to be from denver?
Me - I dunno, an hour, maybe two.
B - so are you a broncos fan now?
M - ha, we'll see. do they suck as bad as the titans?
B - off and on. you know who their new quarterback for this season is right?
M - No clue. you know me, I don't keep up with this shit.
B - It's tim tebow.
M - *20 seconds pass, denial strikes* I thought he was doing missionary stuff?
B - Nah, he actually released a statement that he felt being in the NFL would give him a greater platform to spread gods word
M - ...you mean he's fucking following me? GOD DAMMIT!!!
B - You seriously didn't know that?
M - No, I fucking didn't, and I'm not happy about it.
B - Yep, Bronco's drafted him on first round. He's been in denver training all summer.
M - oh for fucks sake.
I drink more, and try to push it out of my mind. I mean it was colorado right? everyone's going to be obsessed with the slopes and no ones going to give a shit about broncos football, right?
Every. Goddamn. Game. Weekly on the radio. All over twitter. All over the bars I frequent TV's. Tim fucking Tebow. He won't go the fuck away, and I can't escape him. Zealots cite every victory he pulls out of his ass at the end of the game as proof of gods existence. They also have no comment when the broncos lose.
Tonight the final straw broke the camels back. The broncs beat the steelers, and that was ok. I glanced at my twitter feed, because I'm a fucking addict, and sure enough four different fuckfaces have retweeted the following tonight: "Tebow threw for 316 yards in the game tonight. John 3:16!!! Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!" or "So Tebow threw for 316 yards at a 31.6 per attempt. Is this God influencing football"
I can't fucking take it anymore. I've known this country was full of the batshit insane, but fuck.
I can handle the tebow-ing thing, despite the name, because mocking fundamentalists brings me joy. Hell, I even forgive the tourists who insist on doing it at the top of the mountain while they have their picture taken. That's forgivable. But jesus fuck people, stop invoking tebow's name as proof of gods existence.
TIM TEBOW DOES NOT HAVE A SINGLE FUCKING THING TO DO WITH THE EXISTENCE OF GOD. JUST BECAUSE HE OPENLY BARES HIS MISGUIDED ZEALOTRY DOES NOT MEAN THAT A DIVINE CREATOR GIVES A SINGLE CLOUD FLOATING FUCK ABOUT AMERICAN FOOTBALL.
Hell, fucking football wasn't even around until eons and eons after the major religious texts were written. And no, no one gives a shit about you, book of mormon.
I'd continue this rant further on all the little appearances of Tebow that happen in my daily life, and why he's a fucking horrible person and should be assassinated by a member of a crazy kooky cult, but christmas hell made me start smoking again and I've gone four days with no nicotine and this rant and my own pissed-off-ness over tim fuckhead tebow isn't going to ruin that for me.
- Or Kill Me. Better yet, slay tebow. Bonus points if you crucify him.