« on: September 06, 2014, 05:24:43 am »
I was butthurt for years. My asshole was inexplicably and incredibly irritated no matter what I did. Hypoallergenic everything. Cotton underpants. Jamming a giant dildo all up in there. Cutting out the spicy food. Taking medication for intestinal parasites. Having a nurse show me where my prostate is. Showers. Baths. No bathing period. It was fucked up man.
Everywhere I would go, my butthole taunted me. You can't itch it in public but you can scratch your buttcheek in a way that causes friction on your shithole—an art that I mastered very quickly. On an near autonomic level, I would smear my buttcheeks against the chair in a twitch of rage, my face slightly flushing in extreme restrained horror. Did someone see that? Can other people decode these surreptitious anal paroxysms? I became suspicious of anyone shifting a little too vigorously in their seat.
I started having fantasies of being in the passenger seat of a car doing 60 on a gravel road, opening the car door, and dragging my bare anus against the ground. I stopped trusting myself around power sanders. Rose bushes and their long straight stems full of thorns beckoned me. Maybe I could just murder it with a large bore power drill and get a prosthetic anus installed.
I went to a Vipassana meditation retreat for a week where you had to sit still on your ass for hours and hours and hours every day. The first day I wanted to violently attack every human being in my vicinity. Look at those shits, sitting peacefully on their stupid fucking meditation pillows. They have no idea I'm a raging nutcase barely holding on to my stillness by half an ass hair. By day two, I was hallucinating. By day three, I received waking visions of a rusted, filthy ten foot diameter pipe expelling fish at total capacity, but the pipe turned into an laughing Asian man's anus, still excreting the same volume of fish. After the last day, I told everyone I hated them and I went home.
Then, for no apparent reason, I was fine. I have no idea when exactly or why it went away. It was like it never happened. All this time I thought I'd be shitting out a gigantic, mutant tapeworm, snapping at my buttcheeks, thrashing in the toilet water. But instead, it just vanished, just as mysteriously as it arrived.