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Topics - Cainad (dec.)

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Aneristic Illusions / USA TODAY: Protests tilt views on health care bill
« on: August 13, 2009, 12:27:08 pm »
From the USA Today outside my hotel room:

By Susan Page, USA TODAY

WASHINGTON — The raucous protests at congressional town-hall-style meetings have succeeded in fueling opposition to proposed health care bills among some Americans, a USA TODAY/Gallup Poll finds — particularly among the independents who tend to be at the center of political debates.

In a survey of 1,000 adults taken Tuesday, 34% say demonstrations at the hometown sessions have made them more sympathetic to the protesters' views; 21% say they are less sympathetic.

Independents by 2-to-1, 35%-16%, say they are more sympathetic to the protesters now.

The findings are unwelcome news for President Obama and Democratic congressional leaders, who have scrambled to respond to the protests and in some cases even to be heard. From Pennsylvania to Texas, those who oppose plans to overhaul the health care system have asked aggressive questions and staged noisy demonstrations.

The forums have grabbed public attention: Seven in 10 respondents are following the news closely.

"No one condones the actions of those who disrupt public events," House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio said in an op-ed article published in today's USA TODAY. "But those in Washington who dismiss the frustration of the American people and call it 'manufactured' do so at their own peril."

White House adviser David Axelrod questioned the USA TODAY survey's methodology, saying those who report being more sympathetic to the protesters now were likely to have been on that side from the start. "There is a media fetish about these things," Axelrod said of the protests, "but I don't think this has changed much" when it comes to public opinion.

A study by the non-partisan Pew Research Center concluded that 59% of the airtime last week on 13 cable TV and radio talk shows were devoted to the health care debate.

In the USA TODAY Poll:

• A 57% majority of those surveyed, including six in 10 independents, say a major factor behind the protests are concerns that average citizens had well before the meetings took place; 48% say efforts by activists to create organized opposition to the health care bills are a major factor.

• There's some tolerance for loud voices: 51% say individuals making "angry attacks" on a health care bill are an example of "democracy in action" rather than "abuse of democracy."

• Some actions are seen as going too far. Six in 10 say shouting down supporters of a bill is an abuse of democracy. On that question, unlike most others, there isn't much of a partisan divide: 69% of Democrats and 58% of Republicans agree.

In Hagerstown, Md., Wednesday, nearly 1,000 people turned out for a forum held by Democratic Sen. Ben Cardin; only 440 could fit in the community-college theater. The crowd often interrupted the senator, but was generally respectful.

In State College, Pa., Democratic Sen. Arlen Specter was jeered at a forum at a Penn State conference center. The 90-minute meeting at times became a shouting match between bill backers and foes.

Contributing: The Associated Press

let me be among the first to say: FUCK :crankey:

Alright, so this is proof positive that people are swayed by blatant, sensationalist lies shouted in an angry voice.


This is a pdf sheet of address label-sized stickers (Avery 8660). Half of them say "Most men secretly hate women, and most women secretly think they deserve it" and the other half say "Most women secretly hate men, and most men secretly think they deserve it."

Print these out, and put them up all over the goddamn place. Then report back with stories of how being exposed to this idea has caused men to devolve into women-haters.

« on: June 17, 2009, 09:37:34 pm »
Okay, take this situation:
1) My aunt and uncle, "T" and "R" live in my grandparents' house because they are both out of work and the grandparents are old enough to need someone in the house to care for them.

2) "T" cannot work a regular job because she is mentally disabled from a head injury, and "R" is trying to recover from a massive retinal tear that requires a lot of time and rest to heal. Sustained high blood pressure is enough to prevent it from healing properly, in which case he will be permanently blind in that eye. Oh, and his other eye is forming a cataract.

3) My grandfather is aged and ailing, and my grandmother is even more so. She may be on her way out.

4) Two of my aunt's sisters, my aunts D1 and D2, are both healthy, employed, married to husbands who are healthy and employed, and own homes.

Now, given these circumstances, consider that D1 and D2 have "found" some evidence of computer misconduct (on a computer which D1 stole from her job) by T and R. D1 and D2 have pressed upon my grandfather, who is ancient and preoccupied with the poor condition of my grandmother, his wife of 50 years, to have T and R thrown out of the house.

T and R own nothing but the clothes on their backs and a car. They have done nothing but help my grandparents in their old age. They are unable to work, and putting R in a stressful situation and preventing him from resting will cause him to go blind in one of his eyes.

So my question for the ethics committee... this is not okay, ever, right? This is the sort of thing you disown relatives over, yes?

"We are going to exhaust every avenue that we have to prosecute those at Guantanamo who pose a danger to our country," Obama said. "But even when this process is complete, there may be a number of people who cannot be prosecuted for past crimes, but who nonetheless pose a threat to the security of the United States."

The idea is that some people can't be prosecuted for anything, but they still seem like dangerous or shady characters, so we'd better keep them locked up. Of course, with the planned closing of Guantanamo Bay, no one will know where any of these people are being kept.

Of course, as defenders of the president's idea will remind you, no one ever said anything about applying this policy to future detainees.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Mr. President knows how the law works, and so should you. There's this little thing called “precedent,” and in this case it basically means that if no one in power stomps on this idea and calls it out for what it is, it essentially becomes accepted practice. That means the USA will have accepted that it's okay for the government to detain someone for as long as they feel like, without trial, for no reason other than that they suspect the person might maybe possibly be dangerous. And they'll laugh at the poor sucker if he dares suggest that he's entitled to something silly and stupid like due process of law.

Once we, the people, let government have that power (and believe me, we will, being the simpering security-worshiping government kiss-ups we have become), do you really believe that they'll ever give it up?

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Not funny anymore.

If “indefinite preventive detention” doesn't make you spitting angry, then you'd better cancel your membership to the “I Like Freedom and Civilization” Club right about now.

At least the terrorists aren't pretending to be my friends and protectors. At least they're supposed to be my enemy. I'd rather be killed by an enemy than betrayed by my government under the pretense of protecting me.

Yes that's right folks, I came up with a dumb idea for a theme, and I'm requesting your help in making yet another issue possible!

One of the issues that often comes up in this community is the difference between what I will call "cheerful" and "angry" Discordianism, for lack of better terms. The distinction between the Black Iron Prison and the Golden Sphere of Possibility is one facet of this: they address the same subject from different angles.

Basically, what I'm envisioning is an issue where we juxtapose angry, in-your-face Discordian rants and essays with silly, funny, and light-hearted pieces. This theme will be complemented by putting Darker And Edgier images on one page and lighter, brighter images on the next page (possibly mixing up the angry rants with the cheerful pictures and vice-versa on some pages).

To give some examples of what I mean:
Compare the piece on page 7 of the BIP ( with the one on page 25 ( The first one isn't necessarily "angry," but it is much more SRS BIZNIS than an interview with a computer program that is apparently the true Queen of England, running on a Commodore 64.

Bitter cynicism and Glorious Hate contrasted with playfulness and/or optimism. That sort of thing.

I will commence digging for essays. If you have written or can recall any essays that had either a distinctly angry or bitter tone or a distinctly cheerful or positive tone, post them here.

ALSO, ATTN OTHER INTERMITTENS EDITORS: Please check this thread from time to time to make sure I'm not stepping on your toes. I will be posting lists of what works I plan to include, and I'll do my best to make sure I don't use anything already reserved for another issue (which I've already done once :oops:), but ONLY YUO can prevent my dumb mistakes.

Or Kill Me / Get Out!
« on: May 02, 2009, 05:54:41 pm »
Don't you know what you're getting in to?

You're coming dangerously close to becoming one of the fringe loonies. You laugh at their weird jokes, ponder their quirky sayings, and maybe you've even read some of their bizarre essays and publications. Maybe you've even thought, once or twice, that there just might be something worthwhile amidst all their crackpot buffoonery.

For crying out loud, get out while you still can.

They might have some novelty value, but ultimately they're nothing but a modern mental circus act. A freak show of ideas. A little playing around with one's imagination is all well and good, but that's all it is: playing around. At the end of the day, we all need to come back down to the kind of thinking that keeps our society running smoothly. How are you supposed to get any real work done if you're off in La-La Land, questioning your motives and the motives of others?

We do what we do in our everyday lives because that's what we need. It's what you need, and it's what society needs. The fringe loonies like to make up fairy tales and science fiction stories about what's "really" going on inside our heads. There's nothing substantial about what they say. You know as well as we do that you're a completely rational person, and there's always a good reason for what you do, even if you can't remember exactly what it is at any given moment.

So quit listening to their ridiculous ranting sermons, quit reading their obnoxious psychobabble, and go back to reputable sources of ideas. Television, mainstream news; stuff like that keeps society happily humming along like it is.

I mean, you don't want things to start changing, do you?

GASM Command / ZalgoGASM
« on: April 10, 2009, 02:07:01 am »
So far, I've only seen one explanation for the origin of this "Zalgo" nonsense: hxxp://


I’m leaving this because it is officially over.

Zalgo was originally created in 1998 as a Super Hoax/get rich quick scheme titled “Bawaji” by now defunct short-film studio Zeke and Ralph Productions (ZNR) in Portland, OR. The proprietors of ZNR, Robb and Nolan (last names witheld- Im sure you’ll understand why) had originally decided on a UFO hoax but, later deciding UFO’s were real, thought a more plausible hoax would be something leading to the end of the world hysteria surrounding 2000 and the Y2K. We were going to create and sell a product that “offered nothing, did nothing, promised everything and cost a fortune”. Thus Bawaji was born. Unfortunately no one could spell it right so we had to change the name.

What we needed was a product that sold exclusively from word of mouth and had nothing to do with elegant code, shiny finishes, solid workmanship or quality merchandise- we needed mass praise for having done nothing and we needed referrals. We used to define the referral process as “That hive-minded zombie algorithm that sensible people have deep embedded in their psyche which allows them to abandon research and logic for the ease of simply taking someone else’s word for it”.

Then we got jobs and raises and promotions at our real places of business and Bawaji/ZAlgo got put on the back burner.

Until late 2003, 2004.

As the internet became an entity more closely resembling what it is today we started working on Bawaji/ZAlgo as a hoax simply to mess with people more than anything else. There was no longer the Get Rich Quick angle because we couldn’t imagine how to actually do that without going to jail. We decided that religious cults are always fun and had set out to play at starting one based around the internet as an living entity and some darker overtones.

Our original idea was to found a cult based on Christian principles but later deduced that most Christianity-based cults go horribly wrong and usually end up with the leaders dead or in jail so we figured why not start with a doomsday cult and expect that it will go horribly right?

What we really needed, however, was more time and a clear deadline. Our original plans for Bawaji only gave us less than two years between the day we had the idea and 01.01.2000, not nearly enough time. What we figured- using Jim Jones, David Koresh and Heavens Gate as templates- was about a decade and the then-obscure Mayan Baktun calendar year 2012 was close enough as anything was going to get.

We decided on the date 4.04.2012 for three reasons- 12.21.2012 was taken, 2012 was as good a year as any and 404 was a popular number on the internet and the numerologist conspiracy theory nutjobs would have a field day with it.

Now all we needed was a deity. Originally going back to the intended marks as being “hive-minded zombie alorythm” types we decided a good deity name would be ZAlgo. (The “hive-minded zombie algorithm” was shortened to ZAlgo, as you may have seen it on the ’net.) We used a lot of typical “He Who Waits Behind the Wall” (referring to the mythical locked gate in Jerusalem that, when breached, will begin the End Of Days juxtaposed against Stephen Kings He who Walks Between The Rows from Children of the Corn) and “will sing the last song at the dying of the earth” which was inevitably shortened to “sings the last song of earth” which was plucked from Norse mythology. Those guys sang of EVERYTHING. Believe it or not some of the other stuff surrounding Zalgo we had nothing to do with at all. It did pick up a certain amount of its own steam for a while.

But to sell it all we had to do was say H.P. Lovecraft had written of ZAlgo.

Of course he hadnt. Ever. In none of his works has Lovecraft ever referenced anything named ZAlgo. We expected to get called out on that first and had even considered spreading internet rumors about a lost Lovecraft short story or letter or something but then “it must be true- I read it on the internet” took over so we just didnt pursue that.

Thus ZAlgo was born (admittedly without the capitalized “A”) and he was to be the Bringer Of Chaos- neither good nor bad. He just WAS. Or was NOT as it evolved.

The first logical dropping off point for Zalgo was the internet bulletin boards because those kids will buy into anything. We expanded on ideas by Marilyn Manson of bringing hopeless disillusioned nobodies into the mix because they have an infinite amount of collective income and no common sense to spend it on but more so because they are an un-leadable group starving for a leader. Add to it the Anonymous freedom provided by the web and the kids like you find on 4chan’s /b/tards rosters and you get an army of pliable minds wiling to disrupt and spam and create repetitive chaos simply because they have little else to do with their time.

ZAlgo was a forced meme before we even knew what a forced meme was.

Its important to point out that ZAlgo never originally was intended to be a “he” at all. ZAlgo just was, or was not, hence the black tendrils. I originally defined ZAlgo as “simply encroaching darkness” and had mentioned that if it could be seen then it would look kinda like Spiderman’s nemesis Venom and had drawn a quick representation on the funnies page during a rather dull sales meeting with a black Pilot G-2 gel-roller pen. Basically it was Venom kiling Ziggy… damn I hate Ziggy. I still have that cutout from a paper in 2003.

The rest is history, I suppose. The cult never even got close to getting started, the meme as it would be called today is dying out and the /b/tards are tired of the reference. Even Wikipedia wont carry the page anymore and google searches are all but nonexistent.

And we never made a dime from it.


Now, I don't know if this story is bullshit, and I don't care. However, I do think that this is prime territory for us to MAKE more bullshit, and spread the air of confusion. Anyone who googles Zalgo gets little more than 'it's a weird thing that appeared on the internet' and a few dozen of the signature Zalgo-shoops of popular comics. As far as I know, "Zalgo" appeared out of practically nowhere.

So I suggest that we create a handful of alternative origin stories for the Zalgo phenomenon. They should clearly differ from the story quoted above, and from each other. The stories will then be spread around, with the intent of generating confusion and disagreement.

Discuss, and start writing!

Or Kill Me / Concerning The Immediate Future
« on: March 09, 2009, 02:40:15 am »
There is no 'solution.' This crisis will not be 'fixed.' A few of its symptoms will be alleviated, a little bit. Maybe. For some people.

An uncaring and uncontrolled juggernaut of changes will run its course across the fields of humanity, leaving ruin, death, poverty, and confusion in its wake. No, it is running its course as I write this. It cannot be stopped, slowed, or hastened to its destination. It will have its way with us before the survivors are left to build yet another empire from the rubble.

And we shall make up a story or two explaining why it all happened, what we did wrong, and how to avoid such things in the future. But it won't make a lick of difference because it's too late and we're fucking hopeless when it comes to finding out where the next juggernaut is coming from.

This is not the end of days, nor even the end of civilization. Do not be so optimistic. Humanity has prophesied its own demise a thousand times in the hopes that the next big catastrophic clusterfuck will be the last one we have to struggle through. The doomsayers are the hopeful ones; once humanity is destroyed or reduced to barbarism it won't have to live with memories of the disasters it can't believe it didn't see coming, and the torturous knowledge that it will happen again. And again, and again.

But humanity is big, dumb, and resilient. It cannot be destroyed, not even by its own hands. It shall lumber along as it always has, clumsily and nearly-blind, crawling and drooling its way into the future.

There will be another huge fucking disaster; a maelstrom of blood, anger, and misery. And when the dust settles we'll have lots and lots of dead people and still no answers.

It's what we do.

Or Kill Me / The Truth About The "Octomom"
« on: March 04, 2009, 06:00:45 pm »
Just like Terri Schiavo, the Octomom story is a media circus. It's nothing more or less than a cash cow for the TV and newspapers, and frankly it's (yet another) wretched disgrace to journalism.

Why do they do it? Why do they keep sending people out to dredge up every last damn detail about this woman's life and her fourteen children?

Because it's a "human interest" story, where in this case the humans are interested in flinging their shit, er, excuse, me, opinions (we aren't monkeys, of course!) at a pointless and insignificant spectacle because everyone is too chickenshit to fling their opinions at the people around them, or at the issues that actually matter. I'd bet my left testicle that 99% of the people who gleefully share their "strong opinions" about Nadya Suleman wouldn't make so much as a peep if they lived next door to her.

The media has put this woman on a stage, under the limelight, with a nice big sign that says "JUDGE THIS" because we humans absolutely love to pass shit, um, pardon me, judgment on other people, but most of us are too damn cowardly to do it to the people near us, or too lazy to do it to the issues that might actually influence their own lives.

And NOW look what you made me do; now I'm flinging shit right along with everybody else. Bob fucking damn it.

Or Kill Me / Fear
« on: February 21, 2009, 05:35:58 pm »
So here I am, in the college world. A million opportunities in the form of both education and people to network with. An incubator world full of booze and weed and hope and the feeling of being able to do anything, given enough time and effort.

The ship is beginning to rock, ever so slightly.

All the most rational predictions tell me I'm in a good field. Environmental science is gonna be an even bigger deal than it is now as the Green Movement comes to a head and as people aren't able to afford petroleum anymore.

Tuition went up this semester. The state is feeling the ache.

I don't know what to do. I'm gripping the railings on this ship, staring white-knuckled into the choppy waters. Nobody's really talking about it; at most there's a light clap on the shoulder and a muttered word of advice to stay on board, not to worry too much. The truth is we're all hoping the waters will calm down soon and we'll be able to get off comfortably when graduation day comes. Now, I don't know much about the world and maybe I'm just a scared little rat on board this collegiate ship... but the skies look dark, the wind is blowing, and the waves don't look like they're going to settle down any time soon.

I'm seeing the world from this little realm of safety, and I what I see looks unfriendly. Things aren't going well for a lot of people out there, and soon I will have to be one of those people. How long can I safely stay here? I can barely focus on my studies because I'm keeping one eye on the conditions outside the incubator, hoping dearly that I'll be able to jump ship at the right moment if I need to.

At this point I can barely think beyond financial security. I hear talk of accomplishing great things and doing anything I want given enough time and effort, but it all sounds like static. I've tuned my brain to hear only weather forecasts and advice on how to stay afloat in the event of disaster. Other than that, I putter along in the academics and engage in goofy shenanigans to keep my mind working on something besides paranoia.

The ship is rocking, and I'm looking desperately for the lifeboats. They put lifeboats on this thing, right?

Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / Sometimes, I can't help but wonder...
« on: February 16, 2009, 06:15:48 am »
What if we're actually wrong about all this? This whole "Discordian" thing: the Reality Grids, the Black Iron Prison, the Shrapnel.

What if there really, truly is an Absolute Truth out there that has been figured out and distilled by wiser spags than us? Somewhere, one of those more serious religions has genuinely figured it out and is waiting patiently (or impatiently, as the case may be) for us to realize the error of our ways.

I wonder if the real truth of the matter is that we're all fucking nuts. We've all bought into this common delusion and taken the whole concept of subjective reality way too fucking far. By some common mental fault that has yet to be recognized in the psychiatric community, our diseased minds can't hold on to any one worldview long enough for it to sink in, and as a result the Real Truth just slipped through along with all the other ideas.

We're all going to hell. Or we're going to be reincarnated and forced to live through yet another life until we Figure It Out. Or we've just fucked up ourselves, and in the meantime built a movement around fucking with other people and trying get them to buy into our madness. We're sinners, or suckers, or a plague upon humanity. Maybe all three.

And then, I think about it some more and realize something. Crazy talk or not, Discordia--whatever the hell it is--is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore, and I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because dwelling on the "what-if"s will kill me faster than I'm ready to deal with.

Hail Eris.

Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / Cainad's Discordia
« on: November 19, 2008, 10:10:27 pm »
Fucking shitty week.

Nothing worked out. Nothing. Everything went completely fucking WRONG.

Flunked a test. Realized that I'm physically weaker than I was only a few years ago. Missed a meeting for not one, but two clubs that I was really excited to be a part of. Then, while I'm tallying up these failures in my head, I get reminded that I missed an important meeting that night. I laugh it off to the person who said it, then slink back to my room. I sit down and suddenly one more thing pops into my head: I have two assignments due, and I cannot possibly finish both. Holy fucking shit.
You know the kind of week I'm talking about. You've had 'em.

If you're anything like me (you poor soul), it really kills your whole evening. There's no alcohol or tobacco to be had, so you go to bed with a clear head to contemplate how pissed off you are. The darkness and the quiet will give your mind space to think about everything; to absorb and digest every little failure in all its hideous glory. And when you're this full of anger and frustration, bed starts to look pretty good really fast. This shit tires you out. So I think I'll go to bed, let the bile stew, and see how I feel tomorrow. It's worked in the past.



If you're like me, it hasn't worked in the past. Not once in the countless number of times that I've been this pissed has "sleeping it off" worked.

If you're like me, you might recognize this as the early stages of depression. Bad depression. The kind where you hate everything but you hate yourself just as much (or more) because you know it's partly, if not mostly, your own damn fault.

My own damn fault.

Okay. I've done this before, I think to myself. A relatively intelligent man once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. I've been through this before. I remember that mulling over my own frustration and misery until I pass out was what I did last time. I remember the vicious cycle: self-loathing and apathy lead to more self-loathing and apathy.

The cycle.

Repetition. Doing the same thing again, expecting things to turn out better. Or just falling into the same bottomless pit and not giving a shit how far down I go.
I may be a bit screwed up in the head and I may be weird by many people's standards, but I'm not insane. Not by that definition.

So I try something different. I go for a walk, even though it's starting to get chilly outside. I remember that worked once, even though it was a different situation. Walking helps. Once I get outside, I'm not tired anymore. The blood rushes back into my body, presumably away from the part of my brain that focuses on how much I hate everything and myself.

Now comes the painful part. This is where I contemplate how fucking pathetic it is that one shitty week will leave me horribly depressed for a month.

"But at least you know you can survive it, right? It's happened before. The people who love you will shield you from the worst the world has to offer, and once you've spent some time with the shrink and taken your pills you'll be back on your feet and you can start again."

"Yeah, but that plan kinda sucks. I can't ask my parents to keep being my safety net. I mean, shit, I have to grow up pretty damn soon, if not right now. On the other hand, if I try to tough it out, things might just get worse and I don't know if I can handle all that failure."

Hey, what the hell?

That's weird. I never noticed this dialogue before from a third perspective. Looks like the competing parts of my mind are both focusing on failure. Well, shit, no wonder this kind of thing never worked out well in the past!

I think back to the Black Iron Prison. I feel around the bars and notice a few that seem particularly foreboding. Frighteningly strong. These are the bars of my failures. Or rather, they are my preoccupation with failure and inadequacy. These are the bars of my depression. In an effort to prevent more devastating failure and misery, I've hidden behind these bars and let them keep me from venturing out into the world and trying again.

I recognize now that it doesn't work. It never worked. Yet I've done it many times before, and it terrifies me to think of going out into that cruel world that will put me to many tests that I will no doubt fail. I am afraid to change the way my mind works, to let go of my past losses and seek opportunities to make amends. I am torn in an internal struggle.

Strife. Discord. Change.

The Black Iron Bars. They're strong, but... I made them. Now that I can see that, I can tear them out.

Don't think that it was easy, or that it was fun. Sometimes, tearing out those prison bars, forcibly changing the pathways of your mind, hurts. A lot. But I did it anyway. No more focus on failures. I decide not to even think any more about this horrible fucking week. Then, I finally let myself go to bed, my mind suitably blank.

The next day, I don't feel too bad. It's still sort of a crummy day, but still I focus on not focusing on the previous several days. The day after that isn't all that great either, but I keep it up. Sure, the memories intrude, but the important thing is that I don't dwell on them. Let the thoughts come, and let them pass. In other words, I'm okay.

On the third day, something cool happens. I'm lucky enough to get a ride to an event that I thought I was going to have to miss because I was stupid and forgot to arrange transportation. I realize what just happened: I snagged an opportunity that I would not have if I'd let the misery overtake me. Depression would have kept me in my room and I wouldn't have been able to take advantage of that one guy who was going to the same place and was late. One less failure that would have happened if I'd stuck to my old habits.

It worked. I'm okay.

Not many things in this world feel better than feeling "okay," and right now I owe that feeling to Discordianism. My Discordia.

So I was browsing through the recent archives of "Or Kill Me," and happened upon the following idea.

Many of the people here who submit their own original rants or essays have probably taken heat at one point or another, specifically because their piece was interpreted in a way they did not intend. What would it look like to create an entire Intermittens issue comprised of such works? I honestly have no idea what would come of this. Let's find out!

That's where you come in: Dig through your old rants, essays, etc. and post links to the ones that, for whatever reason, pissed people off and you spent the rest of the thread desperately trying to prove, "No, I didn't mean THAT, what I meant was <your original point>."

This thread is for sharing the worst fucking jokes you know. I'll start.

So there's this fish in a stream, right? And he sees this fly hovering above the water, just out of reach, and he thinks, "man, if that fly would drop just a few inches I could get it."

And then there's this bear next to the stream, looking at the fish, but he can't get it from where he is. He thinks, "Man, if that fly would just drop a few inches, the fish would go for it and I could get the fish!"

Now, there's this hunter hiding in the trees on the other side of the river, and he wants to get the bear, but he can't get a good shot on it. He thinks, "Hey, if that fly drops a few inches, that fish will go for it, the bear will go for the fish, and then the bear will be in a perfect spot for me to hit it!"

And there's this mouse hiding behind the hunter, eyeing the sandwich in his pocket. He thinks, "If that fly drops a few inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go grab the fish, the hunter will move to shoot the bear, and then the sandwich will fall out of the hunter's pocket, where I can get it."

But there's this cat with his eye on the mouse, see. He knows the mouse will dart into its hole if he goes for it now, but then he sees what's going on and thinks, "Woah, if that fly drops a few inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter will drop his sandwich as he moves to shoot the bear, the mouse will go grab the sandwich, and then I'll have it cornered!"

Then it happens! The fly drops a few inches, the fish jumps to get the fly, the bear moves to snatch the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and drops his sandwich, the mouse goes to get the sandwich, and the cat springs to get the mouse. But the cat misses and goes tumbling headfirst into the river, getting completely soaked.

The moral of the story?

It takes a little more than a fly dropping four inches to get a pussy wet.

There's this middle-aged guy who's gone impotent. He decides he wants a permanent fix, rather than taking a pill every time he wants to get it on, so he undergoes this really weird experimental surgery that involves grafting the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant onto his junk.

After healing up from the surgery, he takes his wife out to a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant. The waiter takes their drink orders and leaves a basket of dinner rolls on the table.

All of a sudden, the guy feels this really strange sensation "down there." Since the place is dark and no one's around but his wife, he unzips his fly and tries to see what the hell is going on. His dick snakes out of his pants, grabs a roll, and pulls it back in to his pants. His wife gives him a sly look and says, "Could you do that again?"

He replies, "Probably, but I really don't want another dinner roll shoved up my ass."

Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says, "Wow, it sure is hot in here, isn't it?"
The second muffin says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple!

What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

A wife turns to her husband and asks, "Why don't we fly to Hawaii this summer?"

He replies, "Because you're a cunt."

Q: What do you call an Arab who flies a plane?

A: A pilot, you fucking racist.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

A rather toadish businessman has a wife who is frankly far better looking than he deserves, which consumes him with perpetual jealousy.  However, he must go on a weeklong trip for work and leave her to her own devices.  To test her fidelity, he leaves a jar of cream under the center of their bed.  Right above it under the mattress, he suspends a spoon.  He figures it will have cream on it if she has too much fun while he's away.

A week later he returns home from his trip.  His wife runs up to him in her apron, joyfully embracing and kissing him.  Filled with suspicion he scornfully turns her aside.

"I'll see just how faithful you've been, woman," and rushes to their bedroom.  He reaches under the bed and pulls out the jar.  It's filled with butter.

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