« on: September 14, 2015, 04:38:38 pm »
Ah yes, the roads of New York. What can be said about them that is not already written in black rubber, shattered glass, discarded mufflers, and the corpses of deer?
Alas, many cannot read such an abstracted form of language, so I must strive to put it into mere words. First, the roads of Long Island.
On a map in comparison to the rest of North America, Long Island seems to be merely a somewhat exaggerated and expensive sandbar. What the reader must understand is that Long Island is long. Very, very long. The warmer the weather, longer it is. A trip to the Hamptons can take 2 hours in November and a lifetime in June. There are only about 4 major roads that go north-to-south on the island, all the others lead directly into the city. You must pay a toll for the privilege of leaving the island, either by bridge or by boat.
And then there are the deer. Lord save us, the deer.
They are as the Biblical Plagues of Moses, except no one on Long Island is willing to give up the sin of being in the real estate market. So the deer are fruitful and multiply. They're practically fucking in the middle of the damned expressway. We have abandoned traffic barriers and now simply rely on piles of deer bones to cushion the assholes who think they can cut ahead by driving on the shoulder. When it becomes too much, the deer carcasses are taken to landfills. The mass slaughter of the deer will, I predict, provide enough fill to raise Long Island above sea level when the ice caps melt.
But enough of this shit. What you are all really here for is New York City. The Big Apple. The Stinkhouse. Where the hipsters go to die.
The roads of The City are, famously, arranged in a grid. This is true for approximately 10% of the actual area of the city you will drive through. The vast majority of the roads are paved in gum and styrofoam cups, and are made for horses. Once you are on the roads of The City, you have but two options: find one of the bridges that will lead to your salvation, or pray to every god you can think of that The Tunnels will be merciful today. Because, of course, you will not be parking here today. Why didn't you take the train, asshole?
The Tunnels are where six lanes of traffic must compress down to two. Here, you would expect me t report drivers reduced to total barbarism and anarchy. Well, we might be in New York, but we aren't goddamn Bostonians, for fuck's sake. At The Tunnels, there is only the most token effort at being a dickhead, and folks move glacially towards the entrance in relatively orderly fashion. There is a kind of horrible peace as you all lose years of your life wondering why you didn't take to Cross Island Parkway. WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE THE PARKWAY I'M THROWING THIS GPS INTO THE FUCKING HUDSON RIVER.