Depression is a fuck of a thing. It's strongest asset is it's ability to sap your will to fight it. Like sleep but totally shite and serving no discernible purpose. Fighting it isn't just possible, it's crucial. Lot of strategies out there. Grab a handful and muster the will to use them.
Sometimes I feel like while I'm moving I'm outrunning it but it's still there, chasing me down like a rabid bear. The minute I stop, I'm fucked. So I keep going, keep lying to myself about how cool I am, how strong I am, how everybody loves me. It may be pile of steaming horseshit but the part of my brain I need to convince is pretty fucking gullible.
This is the truth. I'm usually pretty good at distracting myself, but there are definitely times where it catches up with me and as much as I try to tell myself "go do stuff", there are just no fucks to be found, not even buried deep in the couch where all the lighters and coins wind up. The occasional paranoia/self-doubt when it comes to the people around me doesn't help either. And the "fake it til you make it" attitude definitely can be a help, I just have to work on not confusing that with "bottle everything deep down into a pocket of sadness until everything comes bursting out at once because you spilled a little milk".I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all this, TPZ... I really hope it starts to lift for you soon. The worrying and "what I might be forgetting" sounds really familiar and can be an early stage of an OCD episode, if you're prone to such things.
I'm not usually big on recommending drugs or supplements, but I've beed taking 5-HTP for about two years now and it does several things for me that are very noticeable; it keeps the OCD at bay, it helps to stave off my seasonal affective disorder and generally stabilizes my mood, and it helps me with my insomnia without making me groggy during the day. And it's cheap, in the vitamin section. It might be worth looking at, if you can take stuff like that.
The best part is that it seems to help stop that hamster-wheel of worry from spinning endlessly.
I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but it is a feeling that has come up more often. I figured it was part of the "generalized anxiety", but I have been known to turn around and go home because I didn't "watch" myself lock the door so I don't think that I did (it's always locked when I go back) or have to fight to keep heading to my destination because I am convinced something horrible is going to happen just because I left the house.
I do remember you talking about 5-HTP once, I believe in relation to this sort of issue. My boyfriend was taking it for insomnia for a bit so we may still have some at home. Usually I can barely stay awake by the end of the day, but I could be worn out from worrying all day. I did know he mentioned he did like the fact it helped him sleep without that "Nyquil" effect in the morning. Do you usually take it in the morning? It is worth trying at least. I have an anti-anxiety medication that I take as-needed, but I try to save that for REALLY bad days (I probably should have taken it yesterday), and a month's prescription can last me up to a year. I would like to see if the 5-HTP can maybe help regulate/stabilize things, at least, as you said, slow down that hamster on his wheel.
Yes, I generally take it in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon after class if I forget it in the morning. It takes a while to really take effect, maybe two weeks of taking it consistently. I take 100mg and it's perfect; I started with 50 and it wasn't quite enough.