Messages

1

Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / Re: weird money idea

« on: Yesterday at 09:37:36 pm »

I hate pennies. Useless crap that clogs up my pockets. Some people save them like shiny rocks in huge jars to someday trade them for $37.50. I just throw every penny I get right in the trash.

Into the trash it goes.

I love how this is written. There's something appealing about it that I can't place.

It's also, while not a thing I agree with, a more sensible money idea than the OP.

2

Apple Talk / Re: PICS VIII: 10% LARGER THAN PICS VII

« on: Yesterday at 09:04:36 pm »

Yeah I'm not getting it. It presumes, somehow, that Audrey Hepburn is not one of the most venerated actresses of all time. And it ignores that Marilyn Monroe's public persona, which it addresses, was largely an act put on by a very troubled woman with surprising hidden depths.

3

Apple Talk / Re: OPEN BAR: it rubs the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again

« on: Yesterday at 03:05:32 pm »

In other news, my desk phone has mysteriously been beaten to death.

Common problem, although I thought they'd recalled that model.

4

Apple Talk / Re: OPEN BAR: it rubs the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again

« on: Yesterday at 02:11:14 pm »

And now it's motherfucking yoga time.

I fucking hate yoga.

  Isn't yoga, like, a hobby kind of thing?

If you don't do yoga, they kick you out of Portland.

5

Apple Talk / Re: The Courtship of Kitty Parson

« on: March 10, 2014, 04:03:07 pm »

Perfect.   

6

Apple Talk / Re: OPEN BAR: it rubs the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again

« on: March 08, 2014, 04:26:25 am »

On the other hand, the 17th...

You ever see movies, where there's a corporate heavy who shows up and causes all manner of trouble?

That's me, a week from Monday. I am going to Ohio to deliver threats of Doom to the manufacturer of the jet mill that's been causing us so much trouble.  And while I know that I will be shot by the hero or eaten by an alien before it's all over, I shall enjoy my status as The Villain until that occurs.

Correction:  Hannover, MA, not Ohio.  Easy mistake, anyone could have done it. 

FUCKS SAKE THAT PUTS ME IN THE BLAST ZONE

7

Apple Talk / Re: Oh, hand model lady

« on: March 07, 2014, 01:22:02 am »

She needs her hand modeling. It's her one special thing, that nobody else can do but her. Her precious gift, what makes her unique. She doesn't just do hand modeling, she is a hand model. There is nothing else.

It's everything to her, everything. This thing that makes her special.

EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

 

When I get out of work I'm going to have to actually watch the video.

8

Apple Talk / Re: Oh, hand model lady

« on: March 07, 2014, 01:14:29 am »

04:18

...that means all the day before I have to be very careful about what I eat, I'm not eating salt or sugar, or caffeine, or anything that's going to pump the blood through my veins, so its a whole hand model diet...

04:46

...you don't want your veins, to be coursing, you know, with blood...

 

This reminds me of the time my co-worker told me about when he's tried to donate blood. At some point, it just stops coming out. There is no more blood to bleed.

9

Apple Talk / Re: Oh, hand model lady

« on: March 07, 2014, 01:12:36 am »

She needs her hand modeling. It's her one special thing, that nobody else can do but her. Her precious gift, what makes her unique. She doesn't just do hand modeling, she is a hand model. There is nothing else.

It's everything to her, everything. This thing that makes her special.

10

Apple Talk / Re: The Courtship of Kitty Parson

« on: March 06, 2014, 07:20:09 pm »

 

This is fucking GLORIOUS!

11

Apple Talk / Re: WHY NORWEGIANS PISS ME OFF.

« on: March 05, 2014, 09:39:25 pm »

I've seen those. The arrogant fucker has them EVERYWHERE.

Oh, except in the Northeast.

What'sa matter, you're too good to have a house in New England?

12

Apple Talk / Re: EoC's World of Dispatching

« on: March 05, 2014, 09:27:34 pm »

I will attempt to explain the process of bailing an individual out from our facility.

On weekdays until 4pm, all bails are held at the courthouse. After 4pm, they have to come to one of our locations to do it. We have two, one in the town I work in and one in the neighboring city (which, incidentally, is the oldest working jail in the US – there are boarded up trap doors from where they used to have hangings). The bails are held at set times and are conducted by the Bail Clerk.

The Bail Clerks are Clerk Magistrates. They make $40 cash for every bail they process, be it $10,000 or $50 – an hour’s work can rake in a few hundred dollars for these guys, who are already compensated well into six figures for their regular jobs (this came under scrutiny recently when a clerk in Boston posted bail for the son of the area’s most famous sports announcer, who was locked up for beating the crap out of his girlfriend, and the man promptly left the jail and killed her). They’re on a rotation.

The bails are held at set times every day – 4:30, 7:30, and midnight, at both locations. At both locations. A single bail clerk works. If you are asking how an individual can be in two places, you have spotted a flaw in our system. The clerks themselves determine which of the locations they will be visiting in which order, based largely on their present whereabouts. People looking to pay bail are expected to check in at the proper location at least a half hour before the bail time, so 4:00, 7:00, and 11:30. On top of the half hour wait, they wait for every bail in line before them, and possibly at every bail at the other location, as well as transportation time for the bail clerk. Waiting two hours is not uncommon. There is no lobby or waiting area – they wait in their cars. Oh, and bail clerks can cancel certain bail times, day of. One of them has a policy of no bails at midnight at my location on weekends.

A person navigates this labyrinthine system and comes to my location more than a half hour prior to the next bail period –w hat now? Well, there’s no sign directing them where to go. They drive down a winding access road, past three buildings, to a parking lot where a sign reads “Bail Parking.” The sign faces away from the parking lot. It has no further instructions. Sometimes, sometimes, a K-9 officer notices them and directs them how to proceed, provided one is in the area and one is even on duty.

The person does not go to the front entrance, nor to the gate where the bail is actually conducted. They are to go to the women’s holding facility, whether they are bailing a woman out or not. It is the least obvious entrance, again with no sign, and the most recessed of the three buildings on the road. They inform the officer at the desk that they are here to bail as well as who they are here to bail. They are instructed to go wait in bail parking.

That officer then contacts the receiving area of the jail where the bail will actually be conducted. The receiving area informs my department, either with a phone call or by sending the paperwork we need to go through up the pneumatic tube. We run the paperwork and send it back down to them. The bail clerk then calls us and we inform the bail clerk how many bails are on the property. On duty K-9 officers have us run thorough warrant, vehicle registration, and driver’s license checks on every individual in the vehicle.

The first bail period coincides with the day shift getting off of work, so naturally they are asked by the confused bail parties how to go about bailing somebody out. The employees, almost universally, do not know, and direct them to bail parking without informing anybody. If nobody notices them, the bail period comes, and goes, and they are waiting there completely unnoticed. If they check in at the front entrance rather than the women’s center, the officer staffing the reception area may or may not inform the appropriate areas that they are on site, so the bail period will come, and go, while they wait there completely unnoticed. If, like today, the extended game of telephone wherein they talk to one officer, who tells another officer, who tells us, who tell the bail clerk, fails by one of those people down the line not telling us, we are not able to tell the bail clerk and the bail period will come, and go, while they wait here completely unnoticed.

13

Apple Talk / Re: OPEN BAR: it rubs the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again

« on: March 04, 2014, 09:36:25 pm »

I went to my regular Portuguese bakery today to get a malasada on this, the traditional day of using the last of the sugar and lard before Lent. They did not have them. Instead, I had to go into the Portuguese bakery that I usually walk past in order to get to my regular Portuguese bakery. Failing that, I could go to the third Portuguese bakery within two blocks of my apartment.

My neighborhood is ridiculous. 

14

Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / Re: weird money idea

« on: March 04, 2014, 09:12:58 pm »

Hi everybody.  On my way home from sniffing glue I had a strange money idea. 

Wouldn't it be handy if all of our currency was chocolate coins

That way, if you wanted to buy chocolate but there weren't any stores open, you could eat your coins instead. Partially eaten chocolate coins would still be legal tender and their weight after nibbling would be used to determine current value.

Stores that accumulate lots of chocolate coins could melt them down into chocolate bars which they then sell for chocolate coins.

In some ways, it's a lot like falling in love.

I don't see a way, however, to resolve the problem of where to get the chocolate, other than buying it with chocolate of inequal value.

anyhow - weird idea - thought i'd share.

I see no reason for these two ideas to be exclusive.

Why not make negative value chocolate coins?

15

Apple Talk / Re: OPEN BAR: it rubs the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again

« on: March 03, 2014, 10:18:20 pm »

I think I will consider myself sufficiently wise when I no longer stand in front of a chair, fart, and then sit myself into my own fart cloud.