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Messages - Eater of Clowns

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76
Or Kill Me / Re: Some of it.
« on: March 18, 2014, 07:50:06 pm »
Prepare yourself for vented drivel. Murky inane self-absorbed garbage that I just need to let out:
I donít know how to act, even these some four months later. The initial flood of support washed nothing away and in its wake a rot slowly settles, thick ugly foundation stuff, choking mildews and malignant molds. Iím on a constant search for fresh water. I feel like a beggar.

A single winter isnít long enough to reconcile the life I thought I had ahead of me. There are too many individual things to sort out, too many parts malfunctioning in the engine. Thereís the rage in all its directions. Inward for letting so precious a thing slip away, for accepting defeat so quickly, for this great heaping horrible pride, pride of kings and gods and too much for me. Pride dangling a body from a marionetteís strings. Outward to the one I trusted more than any other person I ever dared. Outward to the other man.

I let go altogether. Iíve seen her twice since the breakup while she picked up things she left behind. We texted back and forth a little bit, talked on facebook. Nothing real. A year ago when her brotherís girlfriend of four years left him, she didnít agree with how the girl was keeping him so close; like itíd be easier for him if the break were clean. I know sheís doing the same with me. I havenít attempted contact because, hey, pick a reason:  I hope it will help to move on, I hope sheíll see my illusion of doing well and itíll hurt, I canít be some sad wretch clinging onto that great unreal ghost of two years.

Iíve been running and writing letters. Both help, to some degree. Iíve been writing to a pretty woman Iíve known for a while and things looked promising between us, like maybe a new beauty to nurture and a move forward. We met up a few times, even. I donít know if we both wanted something to be there, but there didnít seem to be. A great relationship, maybe, but not one of love.

Iím still in love with my ex. Thatís all there is. There hasnít been a day where I donít think of her. Lately I feel, absurdly, like I want her to know that. Thatís all. Just to know it, and nothing else. Whatís so unhealthy about some small knowledge?

Iím tired and tense. I can feel muscles tightened and coiled but I donít know how to let them go. My vacation to Colombia is coming in two weeks and I keep thinking how easy it would be to disappear in that country. My step mother has family that owns a cattle farm and Iíll just be vaquero Americano, yeah? Never learn Spanish, just never speak again, living on coffee and beans. I donít believe in fresh starts unburdened by the big messy piles we keep building. New beginnings are only made once in a lifetime. But I believe in new air and sweeping grandiose change, in stupid romantic false futures. I chased one for two years.

77
The Richard Nixon school of ballet and the arts / Re: The Pit, 5 parts
« on: March 18, 2014, 06:21:35 pm »
Quote
I was really tired of the world war I thing.


This has a heartbreaking resignation to it.  I can't wait for more.

Tonight, at some point.  I am now having the usual "I'm afraid to continue" willies.

Those are unbearable. I've had them for just about every writing project I've ever started.

I'm looking forward to more of this one.

78
So, I was doing some SCIENCE, and I discovered that the fitbit interprets male masturbation as "steps". Just something to keep in mind.



LMNO
-hit my goal in 15 minutes.

I feel cheated. My fitbit doesn't count anything that doesn't involve at least some change in location.

Neither does LMNO's.

79
So, I was doing some SCIENCE, and I discovered that the fitbit interprets male masturbation as "steps". Just something to keep in mind.



LMNO
-hit my goal in 15 minutes.

 :lulz:

80
Guess who's back .. . . . ?

Hey, BadBeast. Good to see you.

82
I'm taking a lady out to this today:

http://www.bodyworldsboston.com/

I am excited for preserved anatomy, and for potential, and for this being my first attempt at dating since the breakup that totally fucked me up four months ago.   :)

Also, Roger, if you're looking to kill some time while you're in Boston - there's always this.

And this:

http://www.museumofbadart.org/

83
I'm taking a lady out to this today:

http://www.bodyworldsboston.com/

I am excited for preserved anatomy, and for potential, and for this being my first attempt at dating since the breakup that totally fucked me up four months ago.   :)

Also, Roger, if you're looking to kill some time while you're in Boston - there's always this.

84
Bring and Brag / Re: Gold Discordian Sigil Buttons
« on: March 13, 2014, 02:07:10 pm »
Discordia Brand is a subsidiary of Cowardly Editing Messages Because You're Too Much of a Wimp To Handle Direct Online Confrontation, Which is Hilarious Given Your Previous Internet Tough Guy Posting...International Holding Group.

CEMBYTMWTHDOCWHGYPITGPIHG - For a More Chaotic, But Only On Our Own Terms, Tomorrow

85
Bring and Brag / Re: Gold Discordian Sigil Buttons
« on: March 13, 2014, 01:57:55 pm »
"Give these bitter bitches something uplifting to criticize"

This message brought to you by Discordia Brand.

86
Yeah, pretty sure the last 7 days have been the worst days of my life, at least the worst days since I left the fucking military.  I tried to get fired, they fucking promoted me.  I am full to the gills with benzos, and I'm still so stressed that my muscles keep fucking cramping up.  I hate my fucking job, I hate my fucking city, I hate my fucking life, and right now, I hate everybody and everything.

4 more months.  4 stinking months and I can flee back into the fucking desert, where I belong.  Benson area, maybe.

Fuck, Roger. I know this doesn't help, but I'm sorry it's been that shitty for you. Really, I am. I'm looking forward to the night of the 21st and just maybe some of that frustration drain out into a sea of FABULOUS.

I am really looking forward to this trip.  First, I get to shit all over the shareholders of the company that has made my life so fucking difficult.  Then I get to go to THE GAY BAR and Richter and I are making a fucking harpoon.  A HARPOON.

I am unsure that I should own one of those these days.  Fuck, I can't even talk without pissing someone off, without pissing MYSELF off.  So naturally, gigantic spear.

If it's harpoons you're after, New Bedford does have the Whaling Museum. Shit, our downtown library has a monument to Lewis Temple out in front.

Are you suggesting we rob the museum?

I'LL DO THAT SHIT.

The Southworth Library in Dartmouth has a display of about 5 different harpoons that would be much easier to rob.

87
Yeah, pretty sure the last 7 days have been the worst days of my life, at least the worst days since I left the fucking military.  I tried to get fired, they fucking promoted me.  I am full to the gills with benzos, and I'm still so stressed that my muscles keep fucking cramping up.  I hate my fucking job, I hate my fucking city, I hate my fucking life, and right now, I hate everybody and everything.

4 more months.  4 stinking months and I can flee back into the fucking desert, where I belong.  Benson area, maybe.

Fuck, Roger. I know this doesn't help, but I'm sorry it's been that shitty for you. Really, I am. I'm looking forward to the night of the 21st and just maybe some of that frustration drain out into a sea of FABULOUS.

I am really looking forward to this trip.  First, I get to shit all over the shareholders of the company that has made my life so fucking difficult.  Then I get to go to THE GAY BAR and Richter and I are making a fucking harpoon.  A HARPOON.

I am unsure that I should own one of those these days.  Fuck, I can't even talk without pissing someone off, without pissing MYSELF off.  So naturally, gigantic spear.

If it's harpoons you're after, New Bedford does have the Whaling Museum. Shit, our downtown library has a monument to Lewis Temple out in front.

88
Yeah, pretty sure the last 7 days have been the worst days of my life, at least the worst days since I left the fucking military.  I tried to get fired, they fucking promoted me.  I am full to the gills with benzos, and I'm still so stressed that my muscles keep fucking cramping up.  I hate my fucking job, I hate my fucking city, I hate my fucking life, and right now, I hate everybody and everything.

4 more months.  4 stinking months and I can flee back into the fucking desert, where I belong.  Benson area, maybe.

Fuck, Roger. I know this doesn't help, but I'm sorry it's been that shitty for you. Really, I am. I'm looking forward to the night of the 21st and just maybe some of that frustration drain out into a sea of FABULOUS.

89
Literate Chaotic / Re: Unofficial What are you Reading Thread?
« on: March 12, 2014, 11:00:26 pm »
Thanks, man. Your Google fu is impressive.

I remembered it was in Principia Discussion and that I'd replied to it to, so I just scrolled through a few pages of the board, skimming for large topics that I'd replied to.

Your bit starts here.

90
Literate Chaotic / Re: Unofficial What are you Reading Thread?
« on: March 12, 2014, 10:54:46 pm »
Found it.

It'll take some scrolling to get to LMNO's stuff.

Also this is what I'm reading now.

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